Okay, I don't know what happened here,
but 100 bucks says I get blamed for it.
Sabrina, before I go, I just wanted to say...
Salem.
Where is my bookie when I need him?
Wait a minute.
This looks like Sabrina's mouth.
These are her eyes and this looks like her...
Sorry, Sabrina.
Well, don't just stand there, lug nut, sweep her up.
Whoa.
Sabrina, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine,
except that you were standing on my tongue.
- How did I get put back together? I did it.
Aunt Zelda?
You gave up your adult years for me?
That is so generous
and a very crafty way to get rid of wrinkles.
I know it might be a little strange having an 8-year-old to look after you.
You don't have to look after me anymore.
You and Aunt Hilda have taught me everything I need to know.
Now, I need to prove that I can get by without relying on you guys.
I'm gonna be graduating soon.
I'm gonna be looking for a new job as a reporter.
So you don't have to take care of anyone anymore.
We've got to do something.
Three months living in this house and we still run out of hot water.
I don't know what you are talking about.
I take a two-hour shower every morning and it never runs out.
- Is that the mail? Can I have it? - Excuse me.
You are not the only "occupant" here.
I can't believe I haven't gotten a response to my résumé.
Sabrina, you gotta use connections.
I don't know why you don't take me up on my offer.
I mean, my friend does write for The Village Voice.
He writes letters to the editor. He's a crackpot.
A published crackpot.
Oh, my God, I won. I won the MTVcontest.
What contest?
Uh, it's some writing contest where you...
- Oh, it's MTV. Who cares? - Wow.
"Based on the essay that you submitted,
you have been selected to interview a rock band for Scorch magazine. "
Oh, maybe it'll be the Rolling Stones. My nana will be so tickled, ha, ha.
Great, you bust your butt trying to get a reporting job,
she gets one by submitting a 3-by-5 card listing her turn-ons.
Hey, that's the way it goes. I'm happy for her.
It says I'm supposed to go to Scorch magazine for the details.
I'm out of it. Scorch?
What's that? Some kind of trade publication for pyromaniacs?
It's only, like, the coolest magazine ever.
If it weren't for them, I wouldn't know what music I like.
Sabrina, get dressed.
- Why? - Well, you have to come with me.
I mean, you can do all that face-to-face stuff.
What I do is write.
And what I'm thinking of doing is so wrong.
Wow. Everybody here is so young.
And they all look so...
What's the word?
Tragically hip?
Uh, that's two words.
Um, excuse me. Hi.
My friend is here to find out about some contest she won.
She's supposed to talk to a senior editor, Annie Martos?
Yeah, that's me. Why are you speaking for her?
Uh, where's the little girl's room? I kind of have to tinkle.
I get it. Come with me.
We'll go over the details.
You here for the contest?
Oh, no, my friend won the contest.
I'm just along for moral support.
Period. Close quote.
She punctuates when she talks.
No, I know this is none of my business,
but the quotes go on the outside of the period.
Damn, that's gutsy.
Exclamation point.
Sorry, force of habit. I'm a writer too.
Well, not this kind of stuff. Serious journalism.
Oh, and, uh, this isn't serious journalism?
Kandinsky Vodka just gave us four free cases.
It's gonna be a early day, people.
Our advertisers love to give me the freebies.
Hi, I'm Leonard. Want a case of vodka?
- No, thanks. - No problem.
- Wanna go out for eggs? - Len.
Too much. I know.
Sabrina.
I get to go New York and interview that band, Course of Nature
and write a 1,200-word article about it.
You're kidding. Do you even know 1,200 words?
Plus, I get to bring two friends.
I doubt this friend will wanna go.
It doesn't sound like, uh, serious journalism.
You'd pass up a trip to MTV?
No, no. I'll go.
But only because I have a very solid connection at the Village Voice.
I'm just following up on the reporter job.
Yeah, but you got my résumé, right?
What does it matter if I don't know how to surf. I'm a writer, not a surfer.
Fine. Unh.
Well, scratch off True Surfer Stories Monthly.
Wow, you've been working the phones non-stop for the past 24 hours.
I gotta get a job as a reporter, even if I have to go as far as New York.
Why do you have to go to New York?
You've already got an offer from The Boston Globe.
Yeah, three days a week
as an assistant associate to the associate assistant.
I think I'm a little beyond that.
Well, you better get something,
or I won't be the only one in this house that's eating cat food.
Herald Examiner, Fleming speaking.
Hi, my name is Sabrina Spellman,
calling to follow up about my résumé.
Yeah, yeah, it's either in a file drawer or in a pile. I'll get to it when I get to it.
But... - Hold on.
Hello.
Okay, well, I can either sit here on hold all day
or I can make something happen.
You sent me a fax?
I don't know, I can't find anything around here.
Get my résumé out of the file And put it right on top of the pile
I don't know where it is. Why don't you fax me another one?
Uh, better yet, just bring it over.
Yeah, uh, who am I talking to again?
Oh, yeah. Uh...
Oh, how about that? It's right on top.
Well, I can squeeze one more in tomorrow, all right? 1:00.
This is so exciting.
Hello, New York.
Be careful, Morgan. New Yorkers love a moving target.
Hm-mm. I would have come out earlier,
but I was stuck to a jawbreaker.
Hey, remember our deal.
I bring you to New York, you don't whine,
complain or talk in front of people.
Don't worry, while you gals are on your little MTVjunket,
I'm gonna take in the sights.
I'm not going to MTV.
I have that interview at the Herald Examiner.
I really need this job and I'm not leaving until they give it to me.
Mm.
The new Sabrina is feisty. Me likey.
It's just part of a hot dog. It's their way of saying welcome.
Well, they can throw whatever they want.
They can't stop me from going on MTV.
Me neither. I can't wait to go on TRL.
You? You don't seem like a Total Request Live kind of person.
Of course not,
but I'll blend in with all the desperate, squealing teenyboppers,
cozy up to Carson Daly,
and as soon as I'm on camera, demand that people stop eating meat.
I'm not sure TRL is the place for a protest.
I mean, it's not like it's the Oscars.
Oh, sir, can you pull over here? All right, I'll meet you guys later.
Oh, no, no, no.
You have to help me with the interview.
Morgan, my Herald Examiner meeting is in 47 minutes.
I have to prepare to be spontaneous. You'll be fine.
I don't know how to do an interview. I can't write.
I stole a writing sample of yours for the contest.
You did what?
Morgan, what a lousy thing to do. You totally used Sabrina.
My writing sample won?
Wow.
To MTV. And step on it.
You won the contest, you meet the band.
You two meet the street.
But they have to go in.
Yeah, we're interpreters.
Uh, one of the band members is French and the other is German.
N'est pas, Mein Kampf?
Nice try. You'll have to wait in the lobby.
My tooth.
Well, uh, at least now he has something he wants for Christmas.
- Oh, hi, hi, we're here from... - Yeah, can you give us just a sec?
We've gotta finish working out this one part.
What if I missed you?
You got caught in the sun
What if I did something?
Never to be undone
Do you guys know, "Oops! I Did It Again"?
Uh, why don't you jump in with the interview questions?
I just did.
Ask him, uh, what his influences are.
So who influenced you to cut your hair so short?
Oh, uh, what distinguishes Course of Nature from other bands?
Well, for one thing, we're not conventional.
Don't play conventions.
No, I mean, we don't do the usual rock-band thing.
Um, partying all night, getting wasted. I don't even drink.
Well, now with all those piercings, you'd leak. Ha, ha.
- I think she's gonna be just fine. - Don't leave me.
I have to get to my interview at the Herald Examiner
before my dream job gets taken by somebody else.
Just ask whatever comes into your head.
This could take a while.
Oh, I've got one.
Who here doesn't have a girlfriend?
All right, there you have your little favorite Canadian Avril Lavigne
and "Sk8er Boi" at number three.
Avril Lavigne no stranger to the top ten.
Roxie, I'm gonna be late for my interview.
But I need your help and so do a million cows.
Now, when we get next to Carson,
I'll show my shirt and then you show yours.
Ugh. Can't I just wear one that says "I'm with stupid"?
Anybody wanna give a shoutout? Anybody?
Back here? How about you, right over here?
Who do you wanna give a shout out to?
Carson Daly.
Ha, ha, that's me. But who do you wanna...?
What's this all about? It says "Meat. " That's no way to refer yourself.
Oh, no, no, no. Um...
She has a message she wants to get out.
- Right, Roxie? - Okay, what is that?
Carson Daly.
- The message? - What's this say?
"Kills meat. "
You guys are a member of the Ted Nugent fan club?
Anything?
Anybody want to give a shoutout that's not on medication?
How about you over here?
Oh, Roxie, I'm sorry the message got all messed up.
I can't believe how hot he is and how great it is to be on TRL.
Oh, way to fight the power, Roxie.
Oh, no, my interview.
Must have taken a wrong turn.
Whoa.
If this is Hell's Kitchen, I'd hate to see the bathroom.
Okay, that is one big rat.
Hey, hi, uh, what's up, bro?
How about those teeth? A little bleach will help that.
Sorry, I'm late.
- And you are? - Way out of shape.
I'm Sabrina Spellman, your 1:00ish.
The important thing is you're here. I need someone right away.
Really? Great.
All right. Details.
I like my coffee black, my pencils sharp,
and someone's who not afraid to ask questions.
I have a question. Why would I need to know how you like your coffee?
That's what any good secretary needs to know.
Secretary?
Yeah, well, that's not exactly my dream job,
but I guess it's a start.
Well, absolutely.
Yeah, if you play your cards right, do a good job,
10 to 15 years, you work your way up to executive secretary.
- Is there a problem? - Yeah, a big one.
For starters, I don't have any secretarial skills,
and when I make coffee, it comes out tasting like witches' brew, literally.
Then why are you here?
For a job as a reporter.
No, no, no. Your résumé was in the secretary pile.
Look, I came all the way here from Boston.
Could you at least read my writing sample?
This is an article I wrote for the Boston Citizen.
I blew the lid off a phony baked bean scandal.
The lead's quite catchy, but...
But what?
Well, a reporter at The Herald Examiner
needs to be a little more seasoned.
Why don't we agree to talk
when you've had a little more writing experience
and, uh, matured a little.
Oh, I am very mature.
I was just at MTV and between you and me, unh,
all that screaming gave me a headache.
Kids, huh?
You were at MTV, huh?
One of my friends was hanging out with a rock band
and the other one needed me there because she's on TRL.
TRL? My God, it seems like every day they're into some new drug.
- No, no, no, TRL is a... - Look.
You're obviously a very fine writer,
and, uh, you have a lot of youthful exuberance,
so why don't we agree to talk when that wears off?
Okay, just a little setback. No biggie.
I mean, I said I could get along on my own and I can. Right, Salem?
What do I care?
I got beat up by a rat. He humiliated me.
I thought you said you gave him a licking?
I did, but not in a macho way.
I'm sorry, Salem, I have bigger problems.
Just butch it up.
Hmm, butch it up. That's an idea.
Work out a little, ha, ha.
Unh! One.
Sabrina, can you help me?
I don't know what to write about Course of Nature.
Well, just use your notes.
"Lead singer, dreamy. Guitarist, married.
Drummer, ignored me. Gay?"
What I'm saying is be resourceful.
There's all kinds of information on the Internet,
in their liner notes, or you can contact their fan club.
Boy, that sounds like a lot of work.
Hey, Sabrina, why don't you write the article?
Fine. I'll write it, but I'm taking the credit.
No more fronting for you.
I would never take credit for something that you wrote.
Twice in one week.
So how'd it go in New York?
You know, with that connection of yours.
Oh, oh. I decided that newspaper job just wasn't for me.
Oh, good choice. I mean, you'd have to move there.
Plus, you'd need a bicycle and a, uh, good throwing arm.
It's very well-written.
Thank you. It came very easily.
Sometimes when the muse strikes... Okay, she wrote it.
But I tried to write about the band,
but then I ran out of words for "cute" and...
Okay, I absolutely do not care.
Well, I'm glad you liked it. Now, we haven't discussed money.
I don't know what the rate is these days,
but how does 10 cents a word sound?
Oh, I'll give you a quarter just to stop talking.
How about that? I already got a raise.
This article was for a contest. We don't pay for it.
And in this case, we don't publish it.
You wanna send this to your mother. She can tack it up on her fridge.
But I thought you said you liked it?
I said, it was very well-written.
Very professional. Very well researched, very bland.
Are you calling my writing bland?
No, I think I'm calling the author bland.
Anything printed in Scorch magazine represents a certain point of view.
I mean, look around. These people have life experience.
Cole was in a rock band that used to open for Green Day.
James has traveled to every continent.
Leonard is the publisher's cousin, but the point is, when I look at you,
I'm guessing your life comes down to,
oh, a junior high certificate for perfect attendance,
and maybe once you smoked a ham.
This may come at a bad time, but, uh, I still have some of that vodka.
Len. - Worth a shot.
Let's go.
Everyone keeps telling me I need more experience.
At this rate, I'll never find a job.
What happened to the part-time job at the Boston Globe?
The job's taken. By my journalism professor.
Oh, Sabrina, you really blew it.
Honey, put this behind you.
You've been going on and on about it. You've gotta stop obsessing.
Oh, my God, TRL is on. Out of my way.
All right, there you have it. Everybody loves Eminem.
Yeah, do it, Carson.
Okay, getting carried away.
Dial it down.
Cold turkey.
Yeah, talk about obsessed.
I'm going into the kitchen to make a sandwich. Don't turn that off.
At seven, it's your favorite Australian...
Move, you're blocking the view.
Whoa, someone got into the Kibbles 'n Steroids.
Next time you're going to the Big Apple,
take me with you.
I want to deliver a little message to my friend Ratso.
Yeah, I got a message I wanna deliver too.
Anyway, we're gonna get to our next question...
Sorry, Roxie.
Cable's out.
Whatever you're doing, do it fast.
We gotta get back before Roxie knows we're gone.
Don't worry, it will only take a second for me
to turn that rodent into ratatouille.
All right, guys, before we get to our next video,
I'm gonna give this young man an opportunity
to say something to America. He wants... Ha, ha, or her.
Survival of the fittest on TRL today.
- Uh, what's your request? - I want a job.
Okay, what is that, the new O-Town single?
No, I'm talking about me. This sounds crazy.
My name is Sabrina Spellman, I'm a journalist and I can't find a job.
I've gotten a few job offers but, you know, I said no to them.
Uh, long story short, I'm an idiot.
Okay, there's definitely gonna be a job in Security opening up here.
You could have that one. Good luck. All right, we gotta get over here.
Does Security ever lead to reporting on the air?
All right, cheese-breath.
It's you and me, right here, right now.
So you brought some of your friends from the sewer, huh?
Oh, please.
Not the face.
Welcome back, New York City, Times Square.
I'm Carson Daly. TRL, we're...
I'm sorry, one last thing. I wanna say to all you guys out there,
make sure you know a good opportunity when you see it, okay?
People aren't just gonna hand you your dream job on a silver platter.
Well, in fact, if they give you a job carrying a silver platter, take it.
What I'm saying is
whether it's an established publication like New York Herald Examiner
or a pretentious upstart zine like Scorch,
don't be too proud to start at the bottom.
- Anything else? - Uh...
- Meat kills, wo-hoo! - All right, guys.
Sorry. Sorry about that everybody.
All right...
If you called me here to tell me I'll never work in this business,
I figured that out.
And that's why I'm done with this stupid job search,
and who knows, maybe journalism all together.
And just because I don't have metal things sticking out of my face,
doesn't mean I'm not a good writer.
Period. End of sentence.
Fine. I'll tell Jonathan you're turning down the job.
Job?
I called you down here because I'm offering you a position.
Actually, our publisher is.
The only thing I'd offer you is a new wardrobe.
That's insane. Why would the publisher offer me a job?
That was my question exactly, except for the profanity.
Apparently Jonathan caught you on TRL. Liked what he saw.
He hired me because he said I remind him of Diana Ross.
It doesn't matter. She's not interested in this gig.
I mean, it's not serious journalism, right?
He saw me on TV.
You happen to know if he taped it, because I forgot.
I'll tell him you can't do it. The club scene...
Excuse me, I can do it.
Yeah, I get it, Bo-peep. The job's not right for you.
Okay, my name's not Bo-peep,
and job may not be right for me, but I am right for the job.
I just wanna make that fine yet important distinction.
I can do it. Don't want to.
- So you'll take it? - Yes, please. When do I start?
Okay, smoothies all around.
It's time for a toast to Sabrina's new job.
Morgan, did you leave your laundry on the table?
No, that's Salem.
- He got into the gauze. Ow!
Did you hear that?
"Me-ow. "