Just so you know, Morgan, Roxie and the cat drank out of that carton.
Ick. Well, that explains the lipstick, the crumbs and the fur.
So, Louisa, what's going on?
I mean, I haven't heard from you since the 1-cent frame sale.
The phone works both ways.
Anyhoo, I wanted to warn you
that since so little magic has been used around here lately,
the house is about to undergo a magical systems check.
What? I can't have magic shooting off willy-nilly.
Mortals live here, and they don't know I'm a witch.
Oh, that's going to be tricky.
Lots of luck to you.
No, wait, you can't go. I need to know...
- Who are you talking to? - Uh, to you, heh, obviously.
- Good morning. - Friendly but unconvincing.
- I know I heard voices. - Voices?
Roxie, really, the things you come up with.
- What in the heck is that? - I'm sterilizing the mail.
I mean, you never know where the mailman's hands have been.
Juice?
What is taking them so long? Roxie, Morgan, come on!
I gotta keep them out until this whole magical systems check is over.
You can't keep them at the diner forever.
What's your plan if something happens
while Laverne and Shirley are actually in the house?
Let's just say I'll be making good use of the phrase
"It must have been the cat. "
- Qué? - Ladies, while I'm still young!
I wanna get to the diner before the soup hardens.
What's the hurry? I've only got one eye lined.
Yeah, we just had breakfast two hours ago.
The juice might have gone bad.
Oh, well, uh, nothing soothes the stomach like chili cheese fries.
Okay, let's get a move on.
Yep, let's go or the day will be over before we even get out the door.
So then she says, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco. "
- Get it? - Got it, and I'm gone.
- I got a million of them. - And we've heard every one.
- See you. - Where are you going?
- You're going, uh, shopping, right? - No, home.
Uh, well, that's cool.
You know, I just assumed, you know, with the stores open, having big sales
and you in last season's jeans, maybe...
I'll be at the mall. Don't wait up.
Well, now that Morgan's gone over the wall, I'm taking off too.
I've got an appointment. I wanna stop by the house.
Wait, when did you two become such homebodies?
Okay, so this appointment, um, sounds pretty mysterious.
- It's no big deal. - Well, it is to me.
Sit. Tell. Order something.
You're not leaving here until you tell me all about it.
Sabrina, it's kind of personal.
So personal you can't tell your best friend?
Okay, but it's a little embarrassing.
You've gotta promise not to tell anyone.
- Promise. - I'm seeing a doctor.
- That's great. Congratulations. - No, I'm not dating him.
I'm seeing a doctor about possibly having a tattoo removed.
- Wow, I didn't know you had a tattoo. - That's the secret part.
I got it when I was in high school and have regretted it since.
I just want it gone.
Uh, does it have some long, seedy story behind it?
I wish, heh. It says...
This is just between us, right?
You know when you're young and get obsessed with a band?
Oh, totally. I had a wall full of Nine Inch Nails posters.
Which, ironically, I put up with thumbtacks.
So, what band left a "permanent" impression on you?
Hanson.
My tattoo says "I heart Hanson. "
- I'm guessing you lost a bet. - Mm, if only that were true.
Great, now I'm late and I'm not gonna have a chance to go home.
Excellent... Decision to have that tattoo removed.
Yeah, so when you're at the doctor's, um, take your time.
Get to know him.
You know, maybe you'll get that date after all.
Okay, I've successfully capped the geyser of Sparkle Farkle
and managed to put out the fire in the number-six cauldron.
- How are things going up here? - All clear.
The armchair started to talk, but I threatened to shred its dust ruffle.
Good cat. So how are our girls?
Back, but not to worry.
They're in the kitchen, still none the wiser.
Perfect.
Not so perfect.
Aah, stop.
No. Open.
Oh, good. No, stop, stop. Close, close, close!
Sabrina, we have a problem.
Uh, the cat did it. He's crazy. I'm thinking of having him put down.
No, not Salem, Roxie.
Uh, fine, then we'll have her put down too.
That's the problem.
I think something is seriously wrong with her.
I just overheard her on the phone to a doctor.
She's scheduling an appointment to have something removed.
I think that she may be dying, or worse.
I'm really kind of busy right now.
I know, and you're doing that all wrong.
This exercise is meant for toning the thighs and the glutes.
I'm sure if there were anything wrong, Roxie would've let us know.
No, I asked her about it,
and all she said was something about a MYOB.
- "Mind your own business"? - Great.
Now you're shutting me out too. You know, I am just worried about her.
Look, Morgan, you have to trust me. It's gonna be okay.
There's nothing to worry about. It's a simple procedure.
Procedure? Oh, poor Roxie.
I wish I'd been nicer to her. What does she have, like six months?
No, no, no, it's gonna be fine, really. It's just, she's having a tattoo removed.
Oh, is that all? Oh, I am so relieved.
- I could do this for hours. - Really? Great.
Knock yourself out, ha, ha.
Hey, and don't repeat what I told you about Roxie.
She's really kind of sensitive about it.
I promise. You don't have to worry about me.
Come on, just let me see it, please? Just a peek.
Get away from me.
I can't believe you told her.
- But she promised. - So did you.
Well, I'm sorry. It wasn't malicious.
Look, I was just trying to put her mind at ease.
- She thought you were dying. She's right.
And believe me, I'd wanna die too
if I had "I heart Hanson" on my butt. Ha-ha-ha.
You gave her details?
Now, see, that's probably where I crossed the line.
The first time I ask you to promise me something.
Thanks a lot, Sabrina. I thought I could trust you.
Thanks a lot, Morgan. I thought I could trust you.
I'm not exactly sure why.
Roxie, I'm sorry.
I never should've told Morgan about your tattoo.
I shouldn't be surprised you couldn't keep my secrets.
The only secrets you're able to keep are your own.
What are you talking about? I don't keep secrets from you.
Give me a break. Ever since I've known you,
I've always felt there was something you were hiding from everyone.
You're always covering things up and acting all cagey.
I can't believe this. I am so not cagey.
Oh, please, you're always being evasive
or darting out of the room unexplained.
Then you come up with these weird, lame excuses
that couldn't possibly be true.
Just changing the bag.
That's right up there with sterilizing the mail.
Bottom line, I just don't trust you anymore.
Hey, you try to come up with a decent excuse
while you're wrestling an upright. Stop it.
Trust is very important, Sabrina.
Without it, you can't run the really big cons.
Did I ever tell you about the Bible scam I ran in Kansas City back in the '20s?
You don't know how horrible it feels to have your best friend not trust you.
Boo-hoo.
Talk to me when you have to groom yourself with your tongue.
- Ooh. What about that one? - "Elixir of Trust.
Whoever serves this tonic will instantly gain the trust of whomever drinks it. "
I guarantee it.
Jeez, is there anyone who's not doing an endorsement these days?
You know, I don't know if I should do this.
Well, with magic going off left and right,
I don't think you have a choice.
Well, and 10 percent of the profits goes to preserving the union.
I'm sold.
Hey, Roxie, I made smoothies.
That certainly takes the sting out of being betrayed.
Come on, it's my sweet, nutritious way of apologizing.
Don't waste your breath.
There's no way that I'm accepting your apology.
Because you have nothing to apologize for.
You're my best friend in the whole wide world,
and I totally trust you.
If you say you had a good reason for telling Morgan about my tattoo
or slapping around the vacuum, then I believe you.
Wow, I gotta say, Abe really knows his stuff.
Hi, Sabrina. Just wanted to check...
Not now. - Did that painting just talk?
Yeah, it's one of those, uh, you know, gag pictures,
like the fake flounder that sings.
Yeah, you should hear her belt out "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy. " Ha, ha.
- That's cool. - You bought that?
I mean, you're okay with that explanation?
Of course.
I know you'd never, ever lie or keep secrets from me.
I just feel bad that I keep so many secrets from you.
Well, never, ever is a little... You keep secrets from me?
Come on. I'll show you.
Roxie, this place is so not you.
That's why I've kept it a secret.
I know I'm always railing against the beauty myth,
but even the most eco-friendly, post-feminist, vegan girl in the world
wants pretty toes.
Hey, that goes for us meat-eating, paper-wasting girls too.
Thanks for sharing this with me.
If I can't trust you with my secrets, who can I trust?
True, but let's not get carried away.
You know, there are some things better left unsaid.
I miss my binkie.
Aah! Too much information.
La-la-la, la-la-la
Oh, you silly, silly witch,
leaving me with the Elixir of Trust.
If I had thumbs, I'd be twirling my whiskers right now
and laughing maniacally.
Perfect. Ha-ha-ha.
Hmm, I feel like something cold and fruity.
Meow. Meow.
Oh, hi, kitty. Oh, maybe a banana.
Whatever you're hacking up, take it outside.
Oh, smoothies. This should hit the spot.
- Mm. - Hey, Red, way to take a hint.
- How are you talking to me? - Trust me, all cats talk.
- Would I lie to you? - Oh, of course not.
- I trust you. - Enough to do whatever I want?
- Of course. - Excellent.
Now twirl my whiskers while I laugh maniacally.
Yes, I'm serious, and... - No, no, just hang up. Hang up.
Look, you can't just call your boss and quit out of the blue.
You said if I wasn't being creatively fulfilled...
All right, Roxie, stop.
You can't entrust me with your secrets
and ask me to make life-altering decisions for you.
I know, it's just that I have such complete and total faith in you.
I know you'd never let any harm come to me.
Not knowingly, but you're getting carried...
No! What are you doing?
See? I knew you'd never, ever let anything bad happen to me.
Okay, you know what? This is getting a little out of hand.
We gotta get you home before...
- Catch me, Sabrina! - Roxie!
Oh, dang!
Oh, come on.
Oh, so close.
I knew I could trust you.
A friend's undying devotion and I didn't even break a nail.
You'd think I'd feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Roxie. Get out of the street!
That bus came so close to hitting my head,
it was almost spiritual.
Yeah, about as life-affirming as when you were taunting that pit bull.
All right, sit here and count the floorboards...
It's fun... While I go beat the tar out of an ex-president
and make sure the house isn't inflicting itself on Morgan.
Uh, what's going on here?
Uh, nothing you need to furrow your pretty little brow about.
Just carry on with whatever you were doing.
Salem, I can't believe that you're talking,
because it is totally freaking me out.
Oh, all cats talk. Salem told me so.
I bet he did.
Morgan, don't you have to use the bathroom?
- I don't think so. - Salem.
- You do. - Now that you mention it...
Salem, I cannot believe you fed her the trust elixir.
I'm this close to turning you over to creepy Jimmy down the street.
He has firecrackers and very little supervision.
Hey, you left the stuff out on the counter.
Besides, how is this any different than what you did to Roxie?
Oh, it's totally different. I did it to fix a friendship.
You did it to get a free tummy rub.
As soon as I figure out the antidote,
you can say sayonara to your little geisha with...
Wait a minute, did you say I left it on the counter? Oh, man.
Morgan, chop-chop!
These grapes aren't gonna peel themselves.
No. No more.
- I told you to count the floorboards. - Did it. One hundred and eleven.
Yes, but how many of them have knots?
One, two, three...
"Do not pour down drain.
May cause severe damage to septic tank. "
It's always a little scary when it's bad for the sewage system.
Oh, perfect. I'll just boil it away.
Excellent.
- Now that that's done... - Thirty-four, 35...
All right, you and I have an appointment with a musty book,
which, ironically, gets me in more trouble than it gets me out of.
Come on.
- What in the? - A pretty kitty is a happy kitty.
This is part of Cat-Appreciation Week.
It comes right before Selling-Them-on-eBay Week.
- What? - Hi, I'm your neighbor.
Do these pants make me look fat?
Why are you asking me? Oh, no, don't say it.
I just know I can trust you.
- Oh, you said it. - I trust her too.
So do I. I'm entrusting you with my life savings.
Oh, no. Please go.
Please, I don't want your money, sir. And those pants are very slimming, sir.
There she is. That's the woman you'll be living with.
I mean, who else am I gonna trust them with?
Okay, could you hold down the fort? I'll be right back.
And I think she needs to be changed.
Okay, how come I didn't see that there?
And who's playing with the lights?
- Hello. - Hi. Hi.
If you're here about the systems check,
let's just say "Now is a bad time" is the understatement of the century.
I'm not here about any systems check.
What's going on with my eyes? And when did this print get smaller?
You're not gonna find the answer to your problem in there.
- How do you know? - Perhaps I should introduce myself.
- I'm Blind Faith. - Oh, I so don't like where this is going.
I don't suppose you're here to help with my problem, hope, hope?
No, I'm here to hand over the reins, so to speak.
Now that you've got all of Boston worshipping at your feet,
you're the new Blind Faith.
I don't wanna be Blind Faith.
I can never find sunglasses that work with my face.
And most importantly, I just wanted Roxie to trust me.
But you used magic to make her trust you.
That's not real trust, that's blind faith.
Instead of arguing over semantics,
how about you tell me how to get people to stop trusting me?
I mean, short of running for political office.
Mm, no clue.
Here, you're going to need my Seeing Eye dog.
But that's a goat.
Where are you going? Don't disappear yet.
I'm not going anywhere. You're just losing your sight.
That's better.
Wow, ha, ha, this really is a goat. Ha, ha.
- These look terrible on me, don't they? - Hmm.
- Is anybody there? Hi, Sabrina.
Okay, everybody listen up. This is very important, okay?
Now, I need you all to trust me when I say this:
Don't trust me.
I don't hear anybody leaving.
We know you're just testing our faith.
No, I'm not, really. Trust me.
We trust you, Sabrina.
Okay, as long as we're clear on that.
By the way, there's something very strange going on in the kitchen.
Of course there is. Everybody hang here.
Goat, take me to the kitchen.
- Oh, wait, is my cat here? - Nope.
Figures, the one time he might actually be useful.
I understand you have to soak your hip,
but why do I need to be in here?
Because this crummy tub doesn't have any jets.
Keep pedaling, Red.
Whatever's going on in here,
I'm warning you, I'm armed with an attack goat.
Don't worry, Sabrina, everything's fine.
- I took care of it for you. - Thanks, Louisa.
I thought maybe I'd come in here
and find some of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse defrosting my freezer.
Nothing so dire. Just a man with a summons.
A summons? For me? Why would I be getting a?
...a summons? Order in the court.
Your Honor, sir, I think this has all been a big misunderstanding.
- Over here. - Oh, sorry. Uh...
If I'd been given any warning about a magical systems check,
I would have made sure my roommates were out of the house.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
What? Oh, yeah. I mean I do.
Well, obviously you don't or you wouldn't be here.
Is this about the trust thing and not about the house thing?
It's hard to keep up.
Why else would you be standing before Naked Truth?
No good reason comes to mind,
and I don't suppose the "Naked" part is just a metaphor?
Nope, I'm completely open and honest about everything.
I have absolutely nothing to hide, unlike some people.
Well, of course I have things to hide.
Of course I have to tell lies. I live with mortals.
And I gotta tell you, you're not helping the trust factor, Your Nakedness.
Trust is, as I like to say, a two-way street.
What reason does your friend Roxie have to really trust you?
In my defense, she really, really trusts me now.
I bet you're giving me a look, huh?
All right, I guess she doesn't have a reason to trust me.
I guess she's always willing to share her secrets with me,
but I have gone the extra mile not to share mine with her.
Then I think you know what you have to do.
There's gotta be another way. I mean, I can't just tell her I'm...
- a witch.
Hello?
- Anybody? - Hey, Sabrina.
- Am I in the kitchen? - Yes, you are.
Do we have any Wasa crackers? Little Sabrina is teething.
Are you still sterilizing the mail?
Uh, no, this is the warranty. Yeah. It's good to keep it close.
- Okay. - No, wait, Roxie. That's a lie.
Actually, most of the things I tell you are lies.
But you have to understand,
it's because I didn't feel like I have any other choice.
The only way I can tell you my secret is if I completely trust you.
Don't you trust me?
Yeah, I do.
Roxie, I'm a witch.
A witch?
What am I doing here and?
- Aah! I'm soaking in cat water. - Ah!
Yay! Ah, I can see again.
A witch? That's the weakest lie you've ever told.
Roxie, wait.
Don't walk away from me. This is important.
A witch, huh?
Is that some kind of metaphor for something?
Yeah, maybe it is.
It means a girl who's afraid of people finding out who she really is.
It means a girl who's willing to hide the truth
from those she loves the most.
And it means a girl who feels different and strange every moment of the day.
Look, I wish I could share more things with you, but sometimes I just can't.
I'm sorry.
Sabrina, I'm sorry too. I think I've been a little unfair.
Of course you have secrets. We all do.
Yeah, but you're a little better about sharing yours.
That's okay.
I just have to trust that when you feel comfortable,
you'll share yours with me.
I will. Thanks.
A witch? That was pretty good.
Salem! I'll get you.
Have your lunch with me in the bathtub.
Come back here, you mangy little fur ball.
What's that all about?
Oh, uh, you don't wanna know. Trust me.
Woo-hoo! I passed my magical systems check.
Hell hath no fury
like a woman who's been tricked into bathing with a cat.
Where is that stupid cat?
Quick, close the door. You gotta help me.
Don't worry, I know exactly how to handle this.
- Sabrina, have you seen Salem? - Yeah, bottom cabinet on the right.