I understand we all have busy lives.
Sometimes you miss an episode for the little things in life,
like a heart transplant
or a multiple murder in the family,
but there should be no damn reason on Earth
that I have to tell you what you missed last week
on "Shameless."
Hmm.
Do we really need a piece of paper
from the state to say that I'm committed?
I'm committed.
Maybe one day I will want to get married,
but in the meantime, I love you.
I'm not saying never.
No, you're saying you don't love me enough now.
Can I impose on you to do me a favor?
- Of course. What? - Great.
Um, can you pick Julia up after school?
- Julia? - My kid.
I decided you might just be interesting after all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That was not cool.
Let's just say you are overqualified for this group.
I think I've got somewhere better suited for your talent.
The academy, sir?
How do you feel about trash?
Now that you remember exactly how you destroyed Kyle's life,
I can get on with making you pay for it.
Filling me full of Oxy?
Mm, I need you in an opioid coma,
but not, you know, dead.
Sir, step out of the car.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
Tami.
Tam. Tami, Tami, here, it's your phone.
Hey. Hey.
Hey, handsome.
Oh, good morning.
Ah.
What's the emergency?
Salon run out of hair dye?
No, it's my family group text.
Dad wants us home for a family meeting.
"Us," like you and your sisters?
"Us," like you, too.
You're a baby daddy, so you're a Tamietti now.
Oh.
You're going.
Do-do-do-do-do-do.
Here you go.
- An omelet with... - Oh.
Asparagus, mushrooms,
and cheese from a goat.
Sounds weird, but it's actually pretty good.
You're amazing.
It's just an omelet.
It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.
I love having you around.
I love being around.
Gonna hop in the shower.
Sounds good, honey.
Mmm.
Uh, I'm gonna go call home real quick,
just to check on Franny.
- Okay. - Be right back.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
You're never gonna fix the fucking thing, Byron.
No one that rides a Vespa can fix anything.
Something happen to your little bike thingy?
Yeah.
It's a Vespa, and...
it stopped working all of a sudden.
Oh, weird.
What the hell are you doing here?
I came to drop off some of the stuff
you left at my place.
That it?
And I was hoping that we could talk.
In private.
You know, anything you got to say to me,
you can say in front of the... love of my life, Byron.
Mickey.
Okay.
- It was a mistake coming. - Yeah.
Hey, Ian,
you want to come check out a show tomorrow?
Jesus Christ.
Read the fucking room, Byron.
- Show? - Yeah.
It's the Imperial Mammoth.
I don't know if you've heard about them.
They're—they're, like, my favorite band right now.
Wait. Wait, yeah, yeah.
They're the, uh, the hipster shit
with the suspenders and the—the harp
and all that, huh?
Yeah, you're going to that?
I can get you on the list, too.
I mean, I don't know if you need a plus-one or whatever—
Nah, no. He don't need a plus-one.
Trust me, he's got a lot of, uh, what'd you say,
"personal work" you needed to do
before you'd be ready to play the field?
No. No.
Uh, actually,
I just took a page out of your playbook
and attached myself to the first swinging dick I saw.
We barely know each other, but, pfft...
man, it has been a fairy tale so far.
It's actually why I came here
is, uh...
Looks like we both moved on,
so no reason for things to be awkward, right?
Congrats.
Yeah, it all happened so fast,
but when you know, you know.
Right?
Liam Gallagher.
- Sit down.
We don't have current proof of residency on file for you.
- So? - So...
how are we supposed to know you ain't committing fraud
so you can go to this school?
You think someone would commit fraud
to attend this shithole?
My job is tied to how much paperwork is completed
and how many files are current,
so if your dad, Francis Gallagher,
could just bring us a copy of his valid state-issued ID.
He doesn't have a valid state ID.
Okay, then copies of two utility bills in his name.
All right, then he's gonna have to come in and sign this form
attesting to his residence.
If we don't get this, I'll have to remove you from school
while we investigate this as a fraud case.
A vacation from this school?
What's the downside?
Any student removed from school
triggers an automatic review by CPS.
See the downside of a month or two
in a state-run group home?
- You Carl? - Yeah.
Where are your gloves? Jesus, rookie.
Think you can sling trash without protection?
You'll tear your hands to shreds.
Those are just loaners, though. I want 'em back.
What are you doing on a garbage route, kid?
How'd you get this job?
Someone recommended me.
Ah.
Friends in high places, huh?
So where do we start?
With breakfast.
Okay, when you get home,
here's what you're gonna want to do.
You're gonna want to do the rice method.
That's where you take your entire foot
and submerge it into a bag of rice.
That's not it. RICE is an acronym.
No, it's not.
What's an acronym?
Rest, ice, compress, elevate.
R-I-C-E.
One of us is a trained medical professional,
and one of us fucked her ankle up running through a park
trying to catch a Pokémon with her phone.
I know who I'd trust in this situation.
That'll be $20 for the ankle and $20 for the abortion.
Thank you. Here, let me help you out.
Thank you. Come again.
- Kev. - Yeah?
The girls made it to the next round
of the Eldridge Academy application process.
We're preapproved for a full financial aid package
if we get in, and they invited us to the charity auction.
That's a good sign, right?
Isn't it a little early to talk about kindergarten?
Not at all.
It's super competitive, and it's only a year away.
Plus, I thought you wanted us to apply.
I did, but that's because I thought we'd be rejected...
so the school would be the asshole and not me.
V, wh—our girls—
what if they don't fit in at Eldridge?
There's all those rich kids.
It's diverse,
politically progressive, and safe.
You want the girls going to Coolidge?
A second-grader got caught
going through the metal detector
with a machete last week.
A machete, Kev.
Maybe he had dense foliage to clear after school.
We're getting the girls into Eldridge.
Okay. How?
By being active, reliable, and engaged.
That means going to everything they invite us to,
like this auction.
What the hell are we gonna buy at an auction?
We don't have to buy anything.
We just need to show up.
I'll RSVP.
That's not mine.
Or that.
That is definitely not mine.
Oh, come on.
Use your common sense, fellas.
What could I even do with all those drugs?
I admit I have a healthy appetite,
but I'm only one man.
My guess is you were gonna sell 'em.
Ask around.
Everyone'll tell you, I'm a user, not a dealer.
None of this is mine.
It's a setup.
It's not even my car.
You don't say.
I-I do say.
Already ran the plates, bub.
Car was reported stolen four days ago.
Oh, you really did a number on me, Faye.
You want to give us a hand here?
Not really.
Breakfast is served.
You guys eat out of the garbage?
Hey, these bagels haven't been touched.
End of the night, they just throw out
whatever they didn't sell.
Yeah, I don't know about that.
Eat.
We're the top garbage crew in the city, Carl.
There's guys who worked sanitation ten years,
die to get onto this route,
and you just show up out of nowhere,
actin' like your shit don't stink,
like you're too good to eat a Dumpster bagel.
Strikes me as a little suspicious.
Eat.
Except cinnamon raisin. Those go to the boss man.
Jackpot.
Low-fat garden veggie.
Hey, man, so this, uh, Tamietti family meeting thing?
- Yeah, we got that text, too. - Right.
We don't actually have to— to go, do we?
We absolutely have to go.
You got a kid with a Tamietti.
Comes with certain expectations.
I got a second one on the way, so I'm, like, doubly obligated.
And the pain of sitting
through a family meeting is nothing compared
to the passive-aggressive ball-busting you're gonna get
if you don't go.
I missed a family meeting once, like, three years ago.
They still call me "No Show Brad."
So, uh...
you know, what am I supposed to do during this meeting?
You know, do they expect me to weigh in on shit?
No, not really.
No one expects you to offer up your own opinions.
So, what, I just sit there?
No, just support your lady.
Nod a lot when Tami's talking
and then repeat exactly what she says.
Works like a charm.
So be a yes-man.
- Absolutely. Yes away. - All right.
It's the only way to survive a Tamietti relationship.
Debbie!
Hey.
I have a quick question.
Do you want a job?
Here, with me?
Personal home assistant.
You know, cooking, running errands,
maybe alphabetizing hair products.
Anything that will keep you in my house all day.
You don't think that'd be kind of weird,
me working for you?
It doesn't have to be.
I'll pay you $30 an hour.
And you can drive one of my cars.
The Audi or the, uh, Range Rover.
You pick.
If you can't tell by now,
I'm, uh...
crazy about you.
How about I think about it?
Yeah. No pressure.
But say yes.
- Bye. - Bye.
Shouldn't you be in school?
Got more important stuff to do. Got to find Frank.
Why?
We couldn't find him for most of 2005.
Then one day, there he was,
passed out on the kitchen floor.
He's like a cat. He'll be back.
If I don't find him soon,
they're gonna kick me out of school.
What are you doing?
Trying to find the right Grindr profile picture.
None of the ones I put up got any hits.
Grindr?
Aren't you still in love with Mickey?
Yeah, I am.
But there was the whole half-proposal thing
and the whole "him getting a new boyfriend" thing
and the promise-ring thing,
and I'm desperate.
Now I stupidly told him that I have a date for tomorrow,
and I actually have to find one.
Sorry I asked.
Let me see those pictures.
These are putting me to sleep.
No one wants to date their youth pastor
from their grandma's church.
- Jesus. - You considered spicing it up?
Why not take your shirt off or something?
I'm looking for a date, not a hookup.
The way you're headed,
you're not gonna get either one.
Give me that.
Maybe Frank's dead.
Better go call the morgue.
I didn't see it coming.
I was a fly caught in the web the entire time,
and I didn't realize I was trapped
until the spider was already eating me.
You know you have the right to remain silent, right?
Yeah, uh, I'm waiving all of that.
Only a woman could've done this.
Only a woman can lure you in,
make you feel like the king of the castle,
and stab you in the back all at the same time.
Show me your hands, please.
No. Uh, ears.
You got to do my ears first, then my nose, then my mouth.
Shit. Sorry. I'm—I'm kind of new at this.
Oh, that's all right, lad.
I'll walk you through it.
You—you want to hear the— the real head trip, though?
I still kind of like her.
Her quest for revenge,
albeit bordering on psychopathy,
is justified.
How can you be angry at justifiable revenge?
You can't.
And her thoroughness
and her ruthless efficiency...
Ah.
her attention to detail,
it's impressive, don't you think?
What next?
The scrotum.
With the right testicular configuration,
you can hide all kinds of things under there.
The gooch is mankind's marsupial pouch.
You remember that.
You know, if—if we'd met under different circumstances
and I never got her soul mate locked up for life,
things could've worked out for us.
I think this is the part where you spread your cheeks
and... cough?
Exactly right. You see?
You remember more than you give yourself credit for.
Oh, she's good.
Pay attention.
That's overflowing.
Yo! Car battery, paint thinner.
Prohibited items and an overflowing can.
Leave it.
Wait. All of it?
I mean, it's just a few things.
We could pick through it.
Not our job to sort, man.
If we did it for 'em, how are these fucking people
ever gonna learn?
The only way to teach 'em— tough love.
Leave it.
Got to bend with your knees, man.
You only get 7,000 waist-bends in a lifetime.
Then what happens?
You die.
Hey.
My mom accidentally threw out a bunch of sneakers—
expensive ones I was gonna sell online.
Sorry to hear that, kid.
Can you help me get them out?
Oh, no.
Wh—why not?
I'm just that house right down there.
They're probably still near the top.
Safety issue.
Come on, bro. You're killing me.
I'm gonna be out, like, 1,500 bucks.
Call the sanitation department,
tell 'em you lost something on truck 3871.
They'll send someone to look for you.
Yo.
This isn't truck 3871.
How slow are you, Carl?
Like, short-bus slow, or...
I guess regular.
Let's go fishing.
Chuck, step up. Step right up.
Here you go, my friend.
- Enjoy. - Oh...
More where that came from.
Don't think Frank's dead.
The morgue doesn't have any record of him.
Well, don't be so sure.
Bodies can spend weeks in Lake Michigan
before they finally wash up on shore.
- Maybe he's a floater.
What's going on?
That shirtless picture's getting me tons of attention.
- You were right.
Of course I was.
So was I. None of these are for dates.
Dick pic.
Butthole pic.
Offer to eat my ass.
Dick pic.
Orgy invite.
Dick pic.
Wait. No idea what that one is.
Oh, wait. No, it's a dick.
Hold on.
This guy...
Cole,
says he's always looking for an excuse
to put on his best outfit, and he loves live music.
He's cute. He seems normal.
Cool.
Hi.
Kevin Ball and Veronica Fisher.
Uh, yep. You're all set.
You're lot 14.
Excuse me?
Lot 14. The auction.
Lot 14?
That's when you'll get up onstage to be auctioned.
- We're being auctioned? - Mm-hmm.
V, V, we need to get out of here right now.
I've seen this in movies.
Before you know it, we're gonna be in the woods,
and we're gonna be chased down by rich dudes
that hunt humans for sport.
Look, sweetie,
I shouldn't have to explain to you
the problem of telling a woman who looks like me
that she's up for auction.
Oh...
This is a date-night fund-raising auction.
Applicant parents are auct—
Did you say "African"?
Uh, no.
No, um, applicant parents are auctioned off.
Once the parents that buy you get to know you,
they report back, let us know if you're a good fit
for the Eldridge community.
The email explained everything.
When you RSVP'd, you agreed to participate.
- Right. Got it.
Sorry for the confusion.
Hi.
We need to get out of here while we still have a chance.
No Show Brad showed.
Guys, it's a Christmas miracle.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you. - All right, all right.
Everybody quiet down.
Let's get this meeting started.
First, the bad news.
Oopie and I discovered Nana
wandering the streets of Milwaukee.
She was barefoot, disoriented,
and by the time we caught up with her,
she kept calling me Bing,
and she just wanted to sing Christmas carols with Oopie.
We made the tough choice
of putting her in a nursing home.
I told you we should've put her in a home years ago.
I mean, thank God we found her when we did.
We really should've put her in that home five years ago.
Now for the good news.
Nana's house is empty, no mortgage.
We could rent it out.
One of my clients did that when her grandpa passed,
and it's, like, free money every month.
Yeah, no.
We—we could always— we could rent it out, you know?
Um, Tami's client and the client's grandfather—
that's, you know— you can make a lot of money.
That way—free money.
That's a possibility.
Or we could walk a more Christian path.
Maybe we should use this turn of events to demonstrate
Jesus's love for us by helping family members
who are living with difficult circumstances,
like a new mom working herself to the bone to make ends meet
or a new dad who has to cram his family
into a tiny, decrepit RV in the backyard.
That's one idea,
an idea I am in favor of.
So, if anyone has a problem with our suggestion,
now's the time to speak up.
If anyone has an issue with us doing what's right,
walking the path our Lord and Savior has laid out for us,
helping those less fortunate than us,
speak now.
W—
So you're saying that—
We're giving you Nana's house, sweetheart,
while you get back on your feet.
So you're doing the mom and the daughter?
'Cause that's hot.
No, it's not.
- It's going south fast. - You're going south fast.
No, I'm serious. It's stressing me out.
I almost got busted this morning.
I'm starting to feel really guilty about this whole thing.
No way, girl!
I hooked up with a father and son once—it was awesome.
One of them is the baby daddy of my third daughter,
and I have no clue which one.
Why don't you just take a paternity test?
I just never had to, 'cause, like,
the dad was so afraid of the wife finding out
that he just gave me more child support
than the son ever could, so...
So is that child support or hush money?
I mean, what's the difference?
Claudia, the mom,
she wants to pay me 30 bucks an hour
to basically just sit around the house all day
and cook a little, clean,
run some errands.
Girl, I have done way worse for $30, okay?
I have done... some foot stuff.
Like, a lot of foot stuff.
Yeah, so it's not really just about the money for me.
The daughter, I don't know.
She's really fun and creative and smart
and surprisingly super bendy.
I'm so confused.
How is this even a conversation?
You dump the kid, and you stick with the money.
And after that, we'll go back to our house,
grill up some steaks,
watch an action movie of your choice
on our state-of-the-art basement home theater.
Steaks and action movies.
Who doesn't love that?
All right, let's start the bidding at $300.
- Do we have $300? - $300.
$300, all right. $400, $400?
What about $500?
- $500. - $500. $500—we've got $500.
$550. $550 going once.
$550 going twice.
- Sold, $550.
All right, Please welcome the next couple up for auction,
lot number 14,
prospective parents from the South Side,
Veronica Fisher and Kevin Ball.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Veronica. This is Kevin.
We're the Balls, and, uh, we are small-business owners,
and we can offer you guys
a night of free drinking in our humble little bar.
We also have a newly established medical practice,
where we could offer you and your daughters
unlimited abo—
I also can provide you with a personalized workout.
Uh, V and I are in pretty good shape, so...
Take it off!
All right, a day of drinking
followed by a personal workout—
Okay, Magic Mike.
Let's start the bidding at $50.
Do we have $50? All right, $100, $100.
- Do we have— - $5,000.
$5,000? Is that what—
$5,000.
Can we please move away from the truck?
You get used to it.
- Really? - This?
This is about as good as it gets.
It's not even hot out.
You should smell this shit in July. Whoo!
Remember that time we ate Indian food
with the corpse in the truck?
60% decomposed.
When the compactor hit it—splat!
- Like tomatoes. - Still finished our marsala.
- We're finishing up.
Give us a second. We'll move.
All right, all right. Hold your horses.
Move it up, move it up.
Got a man in a hurry.
Come on back. Cut it hard.
- That's awesome. - Oh!
Fuck that guy. Whoo.
You got five minutes.
I told them we were married.
Slipped 'em 50 to bring you to me.
Well, you wasted your money,
'cause I'm not talking to you.
This is how it had to be, Frank.
I need you to understand
exactly what's gonna happen and why.
They found enough prescription pills on you
to put you away for 30 years.
I expect you'll spend the rest of your life
in a maximum-security prison,
just like my dear, sweet Kyle.
Any way around it?
Justice is justice,
and you got what you deserve.
Will you come visit me in the big house?
Take care of yourself, Frank.
I left you a little something.
- Hey. - Hey.
My dad wanted me to give you these.
Oh, uh, to your grandma's house.
He made copies
as soon as the hardware store opened today.
Cool.
So... you want to go see it?
What, the house?
I mean, it's as good a time as any.
Yeah, no.
I mean, I just started working on this, so...
Work the only thing keeping you from going?
Well, yeah, work and, uh...
the fact that it's in Wisconsin.
You know, "I live in Wisconsin."
Yeah, that—that doesn't even sound right, so...
I'm not excited about Milwaukee either.
But it's a free house.
I mean, I think we got to at least check it out, right?
I haven't even seen it in years.
Right.
What's up, bro? You good?
Never took you for a day drinker.
Yeah, I'm good.
Just waiting for my date to get here.
Oh, Mickey?
No, a new guy. Mickey and I broke up.
Oh, no shit.
Tired of all that Milkovich bullshit, huh?
Hey, what do you know about rich people?
I want to thank you for showing such interest
in our little family and for pledging so much
to spend the day with us— it was very generous.
You ever heard of hunting groups
that track and kill people for sport?
- Uh— - Secret societies
that reach the highest forms of government?
Sex cults? Devil worshipping?
Private islands
that have fighting tournaments to the death?
Human traffic—
Can't say I've heard of any of that, man.
- Holler if you need me. - Sure.
So a little bit about our girls.
They are natural learners.
They know all of their letters and numbers,
and I bet they'll be reading any day now.
Your patrons are fascinating.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
They're just regular workin' folk.
- So back to the girls— - Excuse me.
But how can they be working
if they are here in the day at your bar, drinking?
Night shift? I don't know.
You're here in the middle of the day, right?
Yes, of course, but we are incredibly wealthy.
What are we drinking?
French 75.
Never heard of it.
- Caipirinha. - Cappa-what?
Sazerac? Negroni? Um...
Okay. A La Paloma, hmm?
No-zerac, No-groni, and La Pa-nopa.
The only fancy thing we got back there
is a bottle of "Cream de Mint,"
but that came with the place when we bought it.
We got beer,
and we got alcohol from the bottle.
Well, here's an idea.
Let's skip the bar
and reconvene at your house after the sun sets.
That way, we can discuss your application
and, uh, get to know each other
in a more... intimate setting.
Huh?
Right?
Why are we laughing?
I don't know. Just go with it.
Where Ian Gallagher at?
Hi.
- Oh. Hey.
Bitch, why are you babysitting that drink?
Are we gonna pregame
before we get all musical and shit or what?
Bartender! Bartender!
I'm gonna need a round of Henny immediately,
like, immediately.
Let's get turnt in this motherfucker.
I know you're worried about our age difference,
you know, about my mom,
but the chemistry we have between us...
it's crazy, right?
Yeah, it is.
I-I know it's early,
but I think this could be the real thing,
and if it is, just fuck all the other stuff.
You know? That's just noise.
We can't let noise get in the way of what this could be.
Uh, Julia, what is with all these signs?
Oh, my God.
Is this a promposal?
Okay, Mr. Gallagher.
You've heard the charges against you.
What's your plea?
I plead not guilty.
I was framed.
Humor me, Mr. Gallagher.
Who framed you?
Okay, then.
Let's schedule the preliminary hearing.
My calendar?
It was the drug companies.
Excuse me?
The companies that made the pills—
they're the ones who set me up.
A guy like me,
a father of five— uh, six—
struggling with addiction all his life?
I never stood a chance.
It's entrapment, Your Honor,
pharmaceutical entrapment.
It's the corporations—
Let me get this straight.
You think that a company that doesn't know you from Adam
should be the one standing here today
instead of you, a criminal,
whose record dates back to the Nixon administration?
That's not the way I would've phrased it, but, yes.
More or less, yes.
Okay.
Well, let me elucidate you
on the perspective of this court, Mr. Gallagher.
I agree with you.
I grew up on the South Side of Chicago.
I have friends and family
whose whole lives were turned upside down
just 'cause they had a couple of crack rocks in their pocket.
My own brother did ten years
on some trumped-up possession charge.
That is a crying shame.
Your Honor, I don't mean to speak out of turn,
but what exactly did the War on Drugs get us,
other than generations of locked-up parents
away from families who needed them?
Mm-hmm.
Why repeat the same cycle?
Why tear Mr. Gallagher away from his kids?
Why punish a fellow citizen who has a problem?
An illness, Your Honor.
An illness foisted on me by greedy drug companies.
I've never heard of an illness best cured by prison.
Me neither. Have you, Mr. McClatchy?
No, ma'am.
The district attorney and the citizens of Chicago
agree with you, Your Honor.
I think we all desire a new approach.
Uh, Your Honor,
all due deference and with respect,
but maybe it's time for you to be the change
you want to see in the world.
Don't push it, Mr. Gallagher.
Without any objections from the prosecution,
I believe that a pre-trial intervention is appropriate.
Mr. Gallagher...
the Court hereby orders you
to complete 100 hours of community service
and a court-approved
residential addiction therapy program.
All rise.
Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you.
Hey.
About Lorne and Delphine coming over tonight,
I'm starting to think they might be—
They're swingers?
Why else would they pay $5,000 to date us
if they didn't expect sex?
And at this point, the only way our daughters
are gonna get into Eldridge is by engaging in a night
of extremely perverted wife-swapping.
So I guess we should cancel.
- It's a shame.
Without Eldridge, our girls
are gonna be putting their life on the line
every day in public school.
I mean, unless...
Unless what?
Swinging?
It wouldn't be the freakiest thing we've ever done.
And she's French.
So, in Europe, it's probably pretty normal, right?
Are you saying we should do it?
I'm—no, I'm— I'm saying maybe—
Eldridge is awesome.
I think Scottie Pippen's kids went to Eldridge.
Rumor has it Brian Urlacher's did, too.
It doesn't get cooler than that.
So you would do it? Swing with them?
All right, this feels like a trap.
It's not.
You know I would do anything for you and the girls.
So, if you want me to bang some extremely hot French lady,
I will, I guess.
And I guess... I could stomach
letting some living Ken doll clap my cakes—
for the girls, of course.
- Clap your what? - I don't know.
I used to spend a month each summer
visiting Nana in Milwaukee.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
When I was nine,
this drive felt like it took forever.
I mean, I would've told you that it would take all day,
but look.
GPS says two hours.
It takes longer to get across town in traffic.
- That's not so bad, right? - No. No, it's not bad.
Yo, how long are we standing around
until you tell me what we're doing?
- We're waiting. - For what?
For that.
Hey, boss.
Fellas.
So what do you guys say we check out this open house?
Hmm?
You stay. Watch the truck.
What the fuck?
- Hey. - No, don't touch me.
Okay.
We let things get out of hand.
It was fun while it lasted.
But I can't go to a school dance with you.
That's just not possible, Julia.
It would be possible...
if you liked me as much as I like you.
I'm sleeping with your mom, Julia.
So dump her!
I can't afford that right now— emotionally.
Do you love her?
I'm growing to care for her.
But she's so old!
She watches "60 Minutes."
She bleaches her mustache.
She lasers the varicose veins in her legs.
Have you seen her calves?
They're a fucking subway map.
What do you even see in her?
I'm gonna threaten to kill myself.
You're gonna threaten,
or you're gonna actually try to kill yourself?
I hate you!
Mr. Gallagher, welcome to Placid Journeys.
I'm Mora. I run the place.
Over that way is the spa and the meditation room.
Down there is the kitchen with our 24-hour onsite chef.
Now, she specializes in farm-to-table.
It's parsnip season.
You like parsnips?
As much as the next fella, I guess.
- Mm. - So...
what do you guys have on tap here?
Methadone?
This is behavioral therapy.
We mainly just talk.
Jesus. Really?
You like smoothies?
Come on.
I got to say, this is nothing like
the rehab facility I was sent to back in the day.
And I can't help but notice
that the demographics have changed.
- Everybody here is— - Young, white, rich.
It's the opioid epidemic.
Doctors spent years
under-prescribing black people pain medication,
so they never had a chance to get addicted,
and they don't wind up here.
All that oppression, and you don't even get
a shot at a good doctor-prescribed high?
Meanwhile...
a white cheerleader sprains an ankle,
and she gets prescribed a 90-day supply of Oxy
- with six refills.
- What are you gonna do? - Hmm.
Well, it's clean.
It smells like my grandma.
I don't see anything falling down.
Yeah, I was, uh...
kind of expecting a crazy old cat lady hoarder house.
I mean, this wallpaper is awful.
We'd take that down.
But I mean, I don't know.
Am I crazy?
This isn't that bad.
I'm gonna check out the upstairs.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Pretty big, huh? - Yeah.
If you wanted to keep fixing bikes on the side,
you'd have the space.
And I mean, I could fit a lift stand right here.
Work bench.
Tool cabinet.
I could get maybe...
maybe two bikes in here at a time, three in a pinch.
It's nice.
Yeah.
- Pension? - Yeah.
Pension, holiday, health benefits,
maternity leave.
Well, I don't really see maternity leave
being an issue,
so long as you and I are exclusive.
- But everything else...
I'm sure we can work something out.
I thought we were watching our carbs.
So is that a yes to my offer?
Julia, honey, you'd like to have Debbie around more,
wouldn't you?
All right, well,
don't mind her.
She's just mad because some boy at school
wouldn't go to the school dance with her.
Then she comes home, and she orders pizza,
and it's like, the only thing more unforgiving than a scale
is a shallow teenage boy.
- Am I right? - Yeah.
- Boys. Heartbreakers.
Hey, Berto.
- Trying to find my dad. - Yeah, good luck.
I was hoping you could help.
How?
He was hanging out with a Latina lady
named Faye who owns a Rolls Royce.
Maybe you could look her up for me?
You sure this can't wait?
I literally just bought this pizza,
and it's only getting colder by the second.
I'm desperate.
All right, step into my office.
We ain't got no free services, you heard?
So give us what you owe,
or we gonna be at every open house you got.
- Jesus.
I was high.
I was on another planet, man.
I never should've been behind the wheel, but...
there I was.
One second, I'm going the wrong way
through a Taco Bell drive-through.
Next second,
I'm in a field in Indiana
drinking milk directly from a cow's udder.
And my dad's all like,
"Well, that's the second Mercedes you've lost."
And I'm like, "Well, I'm fine, Dad.
Thanks for asking.
The salmonella's finally cleared up."
And then he brought me here again.
I just think he wanted me out of the picture...
so I didn't embarrass him in front of his...
Can't you do something for this poor kid?
He's obviously dope sick.
No, I can't.
But since you took it upon yourself to interrupt him,
perhaps you'd like to share next.
Share what?
Most people use their initial share
to recount their addiction journey.
How long is this session?
We have two hours left, Frank.
Just two hours, and you're wasting your time
on amateur stuff?
Sorry.
Okay.
How many here have mixed a bottle of fentanyl nose spray
with a half-gallon of orange juice
and hidden in the wheel well
of an American Airlines flight to Rio de Janeiro?
Hands?
No one?
Really?
Okay, I think I'll start there.
Yes, bitch,
I got the card-duplication machine thingy,
but if you got the number and the expiration date,
then you're good to go.
Yes, spend, girl,
before they realize you took it.
And get me some boots, too.
Not Uggs, bitch, okay?
I'm not trying to look basic this fall.
Yes, the thievery of it all.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
I'm on a date, so I got to go.
You want a show?
Watch me walk away.
Ooh.
What the fuck is that?
That is Cole.
He's my date.
Uh-huh.
What's he doing?
He's getting us drinks.
Can I help you?
Hiya.
Thanks for having us.
Oh, this is our boy, Simon.
- Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
C'est magnifique.
Can I offer you guys something to drink?
Soda, water?
What are these strange papers, Papa?
Um...
good question, Simon.
This is, uh...
It's not organic.
I thought this was gonna be about sex.
Me too. I waxed.
But we just need to play nice and be good hosts.
These guys are reporting back
to the admissions committee, remember?
What is wrong, mon petite étoile?
You said this place would be filthy and falling apart.
You said there'd be insects and rats.
I want a rat.
Excuse me.
Where are your roaches and other vermin?
Yes. Can we please see them?
Time-out.
Um...
I thought we were gonna be...
you know what I mean?
Can you please explain to us what's going on here?
Well...
We have not been around the poor before,
and we wanted Simon to see how...
you people live.
We were hoping you would demonstrate to him
destitution and suffering.
To motivate him to work harder in school.
Mm.
Yes, so he will not end up in a place like this.
Hi.
Sure, come on in.
- How'd you know where I live? - Uh, you took the Audi.
I tracked the GPS.
This place is a dump.
No wonder you're taking my mom's handouts.
You come here to insult me?
No, I've given it some thought.
Given what some thought?
I've decided
we are going to the homecoming dance together.
Julia, I thought I made myself clear the first time.
Oh, no, you did.
But like I said, I've given it some thought,
and I've decided we're going.
Okay.
No.
There is literally no way
I'm going to the homecoming dance with you.
And you barging in here like this,
it's kind of psycho, Julia.
It's a free country,
so you don't have to go.
But if you don't,
I am definitely gonna tell my mom
that you went down on me.
Three— no, four times.
Is that psycho?
Well, I can see—
ooh, and smell—
that you have been working hard at sanitation.
Yes, sir.
You got five minutes.
My wife and I like watching that singing show
with the spinny chairs.
It's getting ready to start.
Sir...
garbage is dirty.
We're Imperial Mammoth.
We're gonna take a break, but we'll be back in ten.
That's some Beethoven shit, am I right?
All right, sir, can I have another one, please?
I'm gonna need, like, ten more of these bitches.
Yes. Hey!
Look, I hooked up with him once, and he moved in.
I didn't have a choice.
Now he won't go.
I was hoping, since I got his ex here,
that maybe he'd take him off my hands.
- Please, God.
So, no, he's not my boyfriend.
He's dumb, he's rude, he's politically ignorant,
he's violent, he's socially inept.
I don't even think he can read.
And he's way too aggressive in bed
and not in a good way.
All right.
You convinced me.
I'll take him off your hands.
Is this, uh...
this what you do when you don't like somebody?
You bash 'em behind their backs?
Get a good laugh at their expense
with your fucking friends?
Try to pawn 'em off to some other guy?
No, I—uh, I-I didn't— I didn't m-mean that—
Byron. Byron, come on.
I know exactly what you meant.
Unfortunately for you,
I'm not the kind of guy who lets people
talk shit about the man he loves,
so, uh—hey, can you hold these for me?
- Sure. - Thanks.
Look at my man.
- Don't take no shit. - Calm down.
I'm gonna do gymnastics on that dick tonight.
I'm gonna Simone Biles that dick, you know what I'm saying?
Hey.
I love you,
Mickey Milkovich...
more than anything.
And if you'll let me,
I-I'd like to spend the rest of my life—
Jesus Christ, save the fucking speech, you pussy.
I'll marry you.
Of course I'll fucking marry you.
You're late.
You're early.
Just doing my part to break stereotypes.
What's that smell?
The smell of a man saving the city from corruption.
Ugh.
Since when does Lip call family meetings?
Does anyone know what two lesbians do
when they go to homecoming?
Do they both wear dresses? Do neither wear dresses?
Come on, man.
- Come on. - Come on.
Yeah, that's go— that's gonna help you a lot.
- what the fuck is that smell?
Carl's trying to save the city.
Hey, everybody. Uh, thanks for coming.
I wanted to tell you all this in person.
What, you fall off the wagon?
- No. - You going to prison?
What? No.
Tami dumped you.
She's pregnant again?
Oh, she definitely dumped you.
No, will everybody just shut the fuck up?
Listen, please.
Me, Tami, and Fred are moving to Milwaukee.
Uh, her family gave us an old house up there,
and, uh, it's—it's nice.
It's only two hours away, you know, and it's big,
so you guys can all come up and visit.
And I'll still be around, you know, on weekends
and, uh, holidays and stuff like that, so...
Anyway, that's it.
That's, uh...
That's all I got, so...
Who are you?
I'm your Uncle Frank,
and I'm gonna take care of you.
All I need in return
is for your parents to make sure
Uncle Frank's commissary account is nice and full.
I wouldn't smell it.