For all of you who are too fucking busy, this is what happened last week:
Why is that man driving your car? You let him steal it?
No, Beto, I stole it, back when life was fun and the world had meaning.
My partner works for this city.
Because we're not married, I'm not allowed to share in his insurance benefits.
You told the world we're gay.
You have stumbled into the most significant moment...
in the history of the gay rights movement.
You also have dog shit on your face and no place to live, but we can fix that.
Look at Mickey marrying some whore he knocked up.
So is it true, you're getting married?
You love me, and you're gay.
Just admit it. Just this once admit it.
- Are you the temp? - Yeah, hi. Yes. Fiona Gallagher.
The office bitches may have narc'd on you about the porn at your desk.
Mr. Pratt is asking for a word with you.
- Am I fired? - No, you're— Ahem.
No more naked body parts at your desk for any reason.
- Got it. - And also, you're doing a great job.
- Just who I was hoping to run into. - I can't see you. I'm with Mandy now.
- Who's this? - Karen Jackson.
- Fuck you. - Oh, you mean like all three of us?
You want me to ask Lip next time?
Okay, I'm sorry, Mom. It's— It's Lip. He wants to meet at the park.
- What'd you hit? - A girl at school.
Ah.
How many slaves did George Washington have sex with?
- Carl, eat. Now. - More than Lincoln, less than Jefferson.
- Ian, that bruise is looking better. - Who beat you up again?
No one. It's ROTC, practicing hand-to-hand.
- Marines still fight with their fists? - In certain situations, yes.
Then what's the point of building nukes?
Gross national product.
- Can I use last night's bones to make soup? - As long as they're not in the trash.
- Lip hear anything new about Karen? - Still asleep.
- Karen or Lip? - Both.
Up and at them, yet again. Impressive.
A job does that to me. You good with Liam today?
Me and Liam are deeply bonded bros. Ha, ha.
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
- Uh, yeah, cool. Can you walk with me? - Yeah.
- See you later. - Bye.
- Be good for Jimmy. - Hey, thanks.
- How about I just give you the headline? - Sure, newsboy. Headline away.
Okay.
- "Helping the world be a better place." - Yeah, how's that?
I'm thinking about going back to medical school.
- What? - I already finished two years, one to go.
Thinking it might be the right thing for us. Future and all.
Isn't med school really hard? And expensive?
But the payoff's great. Six figures.
I'll take out loans. Doesn't work out, I'll just default.
Heh. "Dr. Jimmy," huh?
Just spit-balling.
Okay. Well, I'm off to sell cups to people that use them.
Not as exciting as medical school, but exciting nonetheless.
Hey.
Okay, let's get started.
You all know why you're here.
You've seen his story on the news, on Twitter feeds, on your Facebook walls.
His is a tale of a lifetime in the closet...
of a brave midlife embrace of his true nature...
and an acknowledgment that he is a lightning rod for a vital civil rights issue.
Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Gallagher. Frank?
Um...
We're at, uh— We're at a crucial time in our nation's history.
Whereas a nation will either pivot toward what's right...
or, um...
stay stuck in what's wrong.
And make no mistake, right now, it's a horrible time to be gay.
And I, like all of you, have experienced it firsthand.
Apparently I've caused a ruckus...
because I said that gay folks deserve certain civil rights.
Rights that the breeders don't want to bestow upon me.
Upon we. Ha, ha.
Those breeders, all they wanna do...
is stop us from having the sex that they wish they were having.
If the kind of sex we're having is what offends them most...
they should let us get married.
Because anybody who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there.
Now, we have long— Thank you. We have long been wronged.
It's time for legislation that allows our private parts...
to be aroused by the people God intended to arouse them.
And— And it's time for that arousal to happen within marriage.
So get out your wallets...
or your man-purses, or whatever, and give now.
Because I hope never to be up again this early...
unless it's rolling over with a couple of you in bed.
Thank you. I love you.
Holy shit, you're good. How did you get so good?
My whole life I've been trying to convince people to do what they don't wanna.
The, uh— The envelope, kind sir. Thank you, thank you.
Now we gotta talk about upgrading my room.
You can tip the front desk with some of my recently departed hard-earned cash.
The front desk at the Merchant Motor Inn is behind bulletproof glass.
It's Plexiglas. You have a queen bed and premium channels.
You saw what I did here. I'm your new rainmaker.
I can get these rump-swappers to cough up cash night and day.
"Rump-swappers"? There's a slur I've never heard before.
Okay, we'll see how the high school speech goes.
But until then, you're still on the clock...
so go shake some hands, you little rump-swapper.
You saucy tart, you.
Sorry about that.
It happens.
Look, it's not you. I just...
I can't get Karen getting hit by that car out of my mind.
Hey.
- Hey, wait a minute. I can focus. - I'm late for school.
We can give each other head in the shed behind the field at lunch.
It is hard to turn down "head in the shed," but, uh, I might not make it there by lunch.
Gonna stop by the hospital, I'll see if Karen's okay.
She's in a coma.
Oh, I know, I just...
wanna show some support.
She won't even know that you're there.
Still, it's the right thing to do.
You want me to come with?
No, I'm cool.
What's wrong?
- Nothing. - Your brow is furrowed.
Oh, that's its natural state.
Actually, yeah, my boyfriend just kind of sprung some news on me as I was leaving.
What's your guy want? Night out with the boys? New pickup truck?
Actually, he's thinking about going back to medical school.
Wow, you're dating a doctor?
New K Cups came in.
Woo-hoo! Ha, ha.
I need me my French Vanilla Supreme.
Hells yeah. And a Black Tiger for The Con-Woman.
We gotta celebrate, Fiona's fiancé is gonna be a doctor.
- He's not my fiancé. - Yet.
Ah, put your hooks in him, girl. Doctors are rich.
All right, K Cups are in. Fantastic.
We're celebrating Fiona's impending marriage to a doctor.
Oh, wow, really?
I— No, not really.
Well, what flavor's your K Cup poison?
- Never had one. - What?
Let us usher you across the workplace coffee frontier.
- She ain't gonna need a workplace. - She'll have servants bringing her coffee.
Okay, come on now, stop. No, seriously, keep going.
Don't do that one.
Morning, Mandy.
Why does Lip give a fuck whether that bitch Karen is alive or dead?
It's a mystery.
- What was all that about? - You, Karen, the unfathomable male soul.
- Heh. Why aren't you in school? - Skipping.
Debs, we need at least one person in this family to not turn cynical...
and my money's been on you.
I made soup for Sheila.
Nice. I'm gonna drop by the hospital. I'll take it for you.
And take the credit for doing something nice when you actually did nothing?
To be fair, at that point, I will have carried it all the way over there.
You're taking Mandy for granted.
- Why, what'd she tell you? - She's kind, she's devoted.
She's not someone whose feelings you can ignore.
So stop being a dope and put her feelings first every once in a while.
School is a time to experiment with your minds and with your genitalia.
Now, the human genitalia to me is like a homing device.
God's compass. Huh?
And each of us has it and it guides us to our destined homes.
Now, our devices don't work...
if we try to point them in a direction that they don't wanna go in, heh.
He needs to tone it down, please.
I laugh for a point, because let people chow down on the nether region of their choice.
Male, female, consenting animals—
Mason Preparatory Academy, thank you so much for hearing our story.
Thank you, you're terrific. You guys are terrific.
- I'm sorry. - What the hell was that?
It's the hotel. I need a mini-fridge. I need a hot plate—
- Um, excuse me, excuse me? - I tried to take a nap—
That was the most honest speech I've ever heard.
I just texted my dad and he told me I could donate $1000 to the cause.
- Um, who do I make the check out to? - The Certitude Commission.
Okay.
Kill the Phenobarbital and paralytics.
Excuse me? Excuse me, hi. I'm sorry, I know—
Good morning. I know you're really busy, but what—? What are you killing?
The swelling appears to have gone down. I'm killing the meds that induce the coma.
Oh, okay. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- What does that mean? - I'm removing some of her meds.
- Okay. I'm sorry— - Hey.
Yes?
I'm a nice guy. Patient, not usually a violent dude.
If you try to leave without telling us what's going on in words we can understand...
I will lift your tiny body over my head and throw you out the window.
Your wife has sustained serious trauma to her brain.
You said that you're removing the meds that induced the coma.
Does that mean she's gonna wake up soon?
- One possibility. - What are the others?
That she won't wake up soon. Or that she won't wake up ever.
But if she does wake up, will she be okay?
We won't know how much damage there is until she wakes.
Well, can we help her wake up? Can she hear us in there?
Nobody knows. And I don't want to get myself thrown out the window.
Sweetie, time to wake up.
Bacon, lettuce and tomato, on white. Just like your other favorite meat.
- Nothing? Been brewing that line for weeks. - Mom's period day is tomorrow.
- Oh. - You didn't know that?
Come on, I only got so much in the hard drive.
Remembering your mom's menstrual cycle is not a top priority.
- Want me to go get a pee stick? - Honestly?
No, no, lie to me. I hear it make marriages thrive.
Eat.
I'll get a pee stick. We'll call your mom, and we'll watch her take a piss.
It'll be fun.
Mickey getting married, does that make sense to you?
What sense needs to be made?
Someone's pregnant, someone got them pregnant...
and that's why marriage was invented.
They been going out long?
Who knows, I wasn't in on the courting, or the fucking.
- So where'd they meet? - She works at Garden Springs Spa.
If you call jerking off random dudes working.
She pretty?
Oh, on the dead-eyed Russian hand-whore scale, I'd say she'd rate about a seven.
- You have Sweet'N Low? - I do not.
It's okay, I always keep some in my wallet. Just have to replace this one.
I feel so honored to be invited to your mistress' porch.
When will you invite me inside for scones?
Uh, no time soon. I'm thinking about taking a little vacation to Michigan.
I hope not to commandeer a shipment of cars.
I'm thinking of going back to medical school.
Heh. In Michigan?
Hey, I quit before I could finish, and I only have a couple semesters left.
So not a vacation?
- Not exactly, no. - Why the step-stutter? Why not tell me?
It's "stutter-step," okay? I was testing the waters first.
It's good for me and for you. Out of trouble, keeping my nose clean.
- In Michigan? - Yes.
I mean, we can go up there, drive around. Great food. Excellent cheese. Truth.
- Good luck convincing her to move. - Fiona?
Estefania. Your wife.
But if I do, you're on board?
- Why is it you think I am in charge, huh? - Charge.
I am not the one who is in charge. Are you?
- You're in charge. Heh. - Charge.
I go where I'm supposed to go and do what I'm supposed to do.
Okay, if I do those things, I stay out of trouble.
I suggest you do the same.
Hey.
Hi.
Chicken soup.
Oh.
Hey, Busy Beaver. You know the phrase "speed kills"?
- It's true. - Trying to get through this stack.
- Another stack just replaces this stack. - Where's the next stack?
Embrace the science of slow.
Should have thought of that before you made me mainline K Cups.
Got a Jet Fuel, two Black Tigers and a Butter Toffee in me.
I feel like I did an eight ball.
Don't raise the level of expectation for when Maria comes back from sick leave.
Science of slow.
- I'm gonna grab some lunch. Wanna join? - Brown-bagging it.
My treat. You'll pay me back when your doctor man starts his own practice.
- Come on, come on. - Okay.
Hey, if it isn't Liberace.
Liberace was rich.
Go ahead, go ahead and mock...
but I have found a constituency willing to reward me for my talents.
Larceny and vomiting?
Oratory. I'll have a Maker's Mark. Make it the— Oh, come on.
You haven't paid your tab in months, Frank. Oh! Good for you.
- Let me give you some change. - Five bucks?
You're lucky we don't charge interest.
- Haven't seen you this cleaned up in ages. - Uh, Christmas 2008.
Your mom made dinner for you and me.
Then she went away and you and I made a videotape.
You remember that? You still have it? That was hot.
I went six or seven rounds. That's close to my personal best.
Frank Gallagher?
Uh, never heard of him.
Allow me to introduce myself. Alistair Huddleston. Can I buy you a drink?
Make it two.
- To men. - I work for Return to Paradise Project.
We're a transformational ministry, specializing in conversion therapy.
We return homosexuals to healthy heterosexual lifestyles.
Why would you go do that?
We believe that homosexuality is curable.
Though some find pleasure in it, homosexuality is an addiction.
- An addiction that tears families apart. - I have a gay son.
Never worry about him impregnating some skanky neighborhood slut...
and bringing home her unplanned-for half-breed.
I wish I'd known I was gay back then.
I could've risen high in any one of the many fields dominated by gays.
Entertainment. Politics. Broadcasting. Tennis.
You're working for Abraham Paige's agenda?
I am cleaning up. Helping the oppressed.
They're addicted, not oppressed. And we can pay you more.
- How much more? - Stipend, room, board.
And substantial speaking fees upon completion of therapy.
Whoa, ha, ha. I draw the line at therapy.
Frank, without the therapy, there's no cure. I want to be able to say we cured you.
Gay is who I am now. Gay is who I shall be.
Frank, you once walked the true path of heterosexual love.
If I were to redirect you back onto that path...
you'll be a more compelling speaker for our cause.
You'll have been singed by the fires of hell, but lived to tell.
Our therapy works.
It starts with aversion techniques, conditioning you to avoid gay-sex triggers.
Clinical fornication would start once you've practiced some of those techniques.
Sorry, uh, "clinical fornication"?
We house you in the Delacroix Hotel...
and deliver women to you to have sex with until you're cured.
Uh, I'm sorry, I interrupted you.
We feel this is a lesser sin than sodomy.
I grant that this seems unconventional...
but new ideas are necessary to counter unwavering plagues.
We're paving a road back to God...
and the devil has erected obstacles that call for rule-bending...
in service of a greater good.
Throw in some walking around money and I'll give it a shot.
That whore that Mickey's marrying...
is an actual whore that works at Garden Springs Spa.
Family discounts on Handy J's.
Terry made Mickey fuck her to fuck the gay out of him.
- What? When? - After he caught us together.
Dude, how did I not know this shit?
I didn't tell you.
Well, did it work?
I mean, he might have...
faked it once or twice, but he wants to be with me.
I know what he felt with me.
You can't fake that.
And now this chick is pregnant.
Ian. My brother.
You need to get out there and fuck someone new, okay?
And someone in his early 20s, not some old dude like Kash or Ned.
Fuck you.
All right, seriously. Go into a gay bar...
make your need known...
and have at it.
Mandy's upset you're upset about Karen.
- How many people is Mandy talking to? - She cares about you.
Why? I don't know. You can be a real shithead.
Hmm.
How did we get this mixed up with two people from the Milkovich family?
Um...
Bad parenting.
Yeah.
Prime rib for two?
Right there. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.
And here you go.
Mr. Gallagher, please excuse my informality, but I saw you on TV.
And on behalf of the entire gay community...
I wanna thank you for putting yourself in the crosshairs of this issue.
I mean, it's courageous and inspiring.
Whatever you need while you're here, please do not hesitate to ask.
- Ketchup. - What?
- Ketchup. - Oh, absolutely. Yes. Um...
My name is Jesus.
Do you need me to sign you up for any spa treatments or...?
Well, I'm wide open tomorrow.
Chockablock me some massages from sunup to sundown.
Throw in a facial.
Okay, will do.
Ketchup?
Oh, right.
Is it possible that my teeth will spontaneously straighten on their own?
Uh, Jimmy's going back to medical school. We can ask him to help.
- I need alcohol. - Is your mom not pregnant again?
Can't find her. Went to her house, her work. She's avoiding me.
- Must be bad news. - Well, think positive.
I've done that for the past two months.
Every time she pees on the stick it's bad news.
Then I get depressed thinking about my husband banging my mom...
because we selfishly want to have a baby with some of our DNA.
Maybe my mom can't get pregnant anymore and we've crossed this line for no reason.
Every time I'm reminded it's not me banging my husband.
It's not me peeing on a stick or that gets to have the baby.
V. Your mom wouldn't do this if it wasn't for you.
Kev's only doing this because he loves you. There'd be no baby without you.
They all love you so much. This is all about you.
So you're gonna get some wine, get the stick...
get your mom in the bathroom, and if you get bad news...
get drunk. And we'll figure out what comes next.
Who needs root beer float coffee?
All of us.
I love you.
- Call me with the news. - Thank you.
Debs, Carl, bedtime.
See these?
Can you buy me braces like you paid for Carl's?
Debbie, they don't look so bad.
Shut up. Yeah, "not that bad" means one going this way and one going that way.
They add character.
Red hair, freckles and crooked teeth. I don't need more character.
Things are a little tight right now. I'll make it happen. Soon. Promise. Okay?
So...
Medical school, huh?
I put in a ton of work and I just got thinking I should go back and finish what I started.
- I think it's great. - Really?
Yeah. You're smart. You care about people.
You're a good person. Getting Carl braces, Debbie braces. Taking care of Liam.
Mm. Mm.
Look how much you care for all of us, without getting much in return.
Hey, I get plenty in return.
I'm behind you all the way.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Because I'm gonna need it. Plenty of work, plenty of hours.
So where would you go?
University of Chicago? Northwestern?
Northwestern could work. Just gotta check into it.
Plenty of options.
Doctor Jimmy, that'd be something, huh?
Heh. Doctor.
Hmm.
Hey. How's your room, Frank?
Amenities need to be amended.
Mini-bottles are too mini. Need to get the big boys here.
Will do. I've brought some media that needs to be viewed before we begin conversion.
Okey-dokey. I'll get started on this one, pronto.
You have, uh, been married before?
Still am, but she never really floated my boat.
I did my husbandly duty to keep her happy but it was always without pleasure or joy.
- Kids. - A few.
So you have committed the loving act of heterosexual copulation?
It was always under the influence, frankly. Had to, to get the plumbing to work.
You just got sidetracked.
With your history of female contact, we can begin clinical fornication stage immediately.
I doubt it'll work, but I'll give it my best efforts if you think it might help.
Hello, cuppers!
My great-great-grandfather fought in the War Between the States.
He came back from that war with one goal in mind.
To invent a disposable cup so he wouldn't have to wash...
The same stupid cup every doggone time.
Good news. We have received approval...
Fiona, you play softball?
- Uh, no. - Never?
Shh. Uncle Matt's talking.
Nice job, Vinny Pitaro. All right, Vinny.
There he is. Ha, ha.
So we have a team called the Cuppers. I need you on the squad for tonight's game.
- Really, I'm terrible. - Oh.
'Twas back before the millennium when I last donned me cleats.
- What accent is that? - Bad British, I think. Ahem. Yeah. Heh.
thousands of cups at many a tailgate.
Go get them, Cuppers!
The league's co-ed. We need more ladies or we're going to forfeit.
All right, I get it. You're a doctor's wife. You gotta keep up appearances.
Can't have fun or a life.
Okay, fine. Text me where the field is and if I feel like blowing out a knee, I'll be there.
All right. You're not gonna want to miss it. We pop a pony keg of Bud after.
- Just saying. - Just saying.
Excuse me, do you know where I might be able to find Frank Gallagher?
Best bet, nearest jail or gutter.
Would you tell him Abraham is looking for him and he can reach me at that number?
Uh, I remember best when I'm tipped to do so.
Mr. Abraham, I will see to it that he gets your message.
Thank you.
- Frank, this is Scotty. - Hi, Frank.
Can you excuse us just one second?
I'm not going to stop fucking men to start fucking women who look like men.
This is a ministry, not a brothel.
The volunteers who are ready are teamed with others who are ready.
Thanks for being here and doing this with me.
Scotty's been with us for six months of hard, devoted work...
trying to overcome her lesbian tendencies. Help each other.
Been a long road. But I want to be right with God.
As does Frank. Don't you, Frank?
It's always good to have God in your corner.
The goal of this stage is to stimulate one another...
and to see if stimulation can lead to copulation and orgasm.
Okay, uh, you're anxious to go.
I'm going to slip out before you slip off anything else.
Is this really happening?
God willing. Last time Alistair brought a man in, he left in tears after I got undressed.
Last time I shave everything.
Scotty has been taking birth control, but as a precaution against STDs...
please use the condoms I've provided for you in the bathroom.
Be like Adam and Eve, discovering one another the first time in the Garden of Eden.
Naked, discovering, bringing to each other the pleasure God intended for them.
No shame, no guilt, no knowledge of things that distract us from God's love.
Oh.
Well, I must say, you have amazing cans.
- Shawna used to say that. - Shawna?
Someone I'm trying to forget. Will you please help me forget her?
Well, hello down there.
- God wants this for us. - You know what? Maybe he's right.
If you were supposed to be a lesbian and I was supposed to be gay, he'd be limp.
And look, my loaf of bread riseth.
- Ever felt one of those before? - Never one this old.
Thanks. Heh. It's like a hickory tree. Gets stronger each year.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- You weren't at school today. - Uh, no, I didn't make it.
Karen?
She's in pretty bad shape.
You going over there later tonight?
Uh...
I don't know. Not really sure.
You want me to come over later?
I missed you last night.
Sure.
Yes. Please.
Okay. See you later.
Okay.
- How's it going up there? - Fine.
Because I haven't seen your face for a while and you're not saying much.
- It's fine. - Well, I got an appointment I've got to make.
So, what can we do to get you where you need to be?
Trying.
Is there anything I can do to hurry it up?
Not sure.
What if you were to imagine that I'm Angelina Jolie?
- Because, you know, I've got people that— - Shut up please, Angie.
I just want someone
That I can talk to
I want you just the way you are
I need to know that you will always be
She hates that song.
I'm sorry. I'm really... Look, I know you're here all day.
And you're just trying to wake her up.
I just think, if you want to wake her up, do shit she likes, not shit she hates.
She hates that.
What do you think she would like?
I don't know. Uh, something else.
I'm gonna go get some coffee.
- No, Jody, look, I didn't mean to— - No. You're right.
You've been a good friend to her.
Any progress at all?
Well, she flicks her toes sometimes. The doctor thinks it could just be reflexes.
Right.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry. I've often thought Jody's musical repertoire could use updating.
No, I'm sorry I, uh, wasn't very nice to Karen.
The last time I saw her.
Actually, I, uh, kind of ended it.
And, uh, I didn't do it very well.
I don't want that to be the last she heard from me.
It won't be.
We're thinking positive.
It makes a difference. She's gonna wake up.
And you didn't make her sad, Lip.
She was so happy when she got that text from you.
She knew you were texting to make up. You should've seen her light up.
Text?
The night of the accident when she came to meet you.
I honestly think that she was so excited she just forgot to look both ways.
Do you have Karen's phone here?
Um...
It could be with her things. I think, um...
That's enough, girls. Walk away, Rene.
Walk away.
- I've been looking all over for you. - Cell phone died. Didn't leave me a charger.
How'd you find me?
I know people, Frank. I put the word out, they call.
I got you a better hotel. This is for the Embassy Suites. North State Street.
Finish your drink, head over, get dressed. There's clean polos and khakis in the closet.
Your next gig is at the Oscar Wilde Bookstore. Tonight.
- Okay. - Look sharp.
Hey, I've been trying to find you.
- I've been avoiding you finding me. - Momma.
I'm not feeling well. And when I don't feel well, it's usually bad news.
No, it could be good news.
Last two times you felt fine and it was bad, maybe this time it's good.
No, I don't think so.
Momma, I really appreciate all you've done and continue to do for me.
Ugh, give me the stick.
- Can I go with you this time? - No.
Bathrooms have doors. I'll do the whizzing, you do the waiting.
Keep your hopes in check.
Everyone grab your jackets. Might be cold. I don't want to wait for you.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hungry? Spaghetti and bread. I made them leave you some.
Sure, thanks. How was work?
Good. Great actually. I, uh, got invited to play softball tonight.
Heh. Do you even own a glove?
It's Chicago-style softball. You don't need a glove.
- Look at you, trying to fit in. - Hmm.
I'm hoping they keep me around for a while.
Come with? Should be fun. We can grab a drink after, you can meet everyone.
Cool.
Hey, I may have to spend some more time in, uh, Michigan.
- What? - Med school. Admissions called.
Said I have to finish up there or I lose a bunch of credits.
I can apply for schools here, but I'd basically have to start over.
Lose all the work I've already done.
It's only for a year.
I know it's a fly in the ointment. But they're being really cool. Letting me re-enroll.
- There's no other option? - Not really.
- Not really, or no? - No.
Wow, that's...
Wow.
- You can come with me. - To Michigan?
- It's not that far. - The kids?
- Sure, if you want. - If I want?
Yes, yes, of course, them too.
Look, there's details to sort through, but all doable details. Totally doable details.
Uh-huh. Uh...
I have to get ready for softball.
Attention, people. Kevin is gonna be a daddy.
Really? Really?
Look at the stick, people!
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Look at the stick. Look at this stick.
Be aware, for the rest of the night, I am stirring cocktails with this stick.
Frank, where the hell are you? Call me.
Hey, I can't believe you texted me for a second go round.
- Maybe I made a mistake coming back. - No, no, come on.
We are heteros trapped in the demonic obsession of same-sex sin.
We must rid ourselves of the gay. We just have to keep practicing.
Let's go, Mike. Come on, bring us home.
Fiona's so into softball, huh?
We need more of that, Connie. Mike, end this thing!
Yeah, Mike. We don't have enough beer for extra innings.
Yeah!
Oh, my God!
Beer! Get some beer!
Should we be planning for the worst?
She's been through a tremendous trauma. But I've seen miracles. They do happen.
Just keep engaging with her.
Doing things she likes that might trigger her unconscious.
Let her know you're here.
Sheila.
You should go home tonight. Get some sleep.
Sheila. I think we need to start taking turns getting shut eye in a real bed.
- I think— - Please don't say that.
- I'm not saying she's not gonna wake up. - Jody.
I'm just saying it's a marathon, not a sprint.
We gotta start taking care of ourselves. For Karen.
You're a prince, Jody.
- Stop. - You're like a prince.
I, um... I think that you're her prince.
When she was a little girl, I would read to her from this old, old book of fairy tales.
They're dark, the old ones. They're twisted and scary.
She would hold my hand and squeeze it really tight.
When the witches and the poisoned apples...
And wait for the kiss of true love. And when it came, she would smile and say:
"Mama, read it again." And she grew up. And I took her prince.
You're hers.
All right, Cuppers. Good game, guys. Thanks for having me.
What? No, you've had like half a beer.
- Pound the rest, girl. - Actually, that would be half-pounding. Heh.
Uncle Matt's rules.
All Cuppers get to come in two hours late the day after a softball victory.
- Uncle Matt encourages drunkenness. - Yeah, please. Drink with us.
I told my brother I'd only stay for a second. Little ones gotta be in bed.
- How many of those kids are yours? - I birthed none yet am responsible for all.
Wait until you marry the doctor, you'll have your own Irish brood.
Uh, go Cuppers. See you tomorrow. Finish that.
- Thank you. Bye. - Bye.
That must be the doctor.
- Mm-hm. - Heh.
- Did I do that out loud? - Yeah.
All right, guys, come on, stop staring.
- Amateurs. Come on. - Why? Were we staring?
- How was the game? - Walk off win. I scored.
You knew, didn't you?
Knew what?
Michigan. You knew you were gonna have to move back from the beginning.
- What? No. - Please don't be the guy who lies.
- Please. Don't be that guy. - Yes. Probably. Not for sure, but yes.
- I'm tired, dude. - Fiona.
- What?
I need a change.
- From me? - You know that's not what I meant.
I only know what you wanna tell me, when you decide you wanna tell me.
I love you.
Great.
Debbie needs braces, I'm making espressos.
You're selling cups. It's a year.
Stop saying it like a year is nothing. Like nothing can happen in a year.
Like being away from each other for a year wouldn't matter.
Other people do it.
I'm tired. I gotta get up early in the morning. Selling cups.
Fiona.
I'm gonna be a great doctor.
I'm not arguing that.
Are you awake?
Give it to me, Rihanna. Yeah, go.
Open the door.
- Go. Almost there. - Aah!
Oh, my God.
I can explain.
Reparative therapy?
Jesus, get her out of here.
But I can fix him, I can try harder.
- I can do it. - Get her out.
You let yourself be brainwashed by Alistair Huddleston...
and his Return to Paradise Project lunatics?
I thought she was a he. She was wearing Pendleton plaid and combat boots.
Paul Bunyan's blue ox would have been fooled. All she needed was an ax.
Jesus, lock the door.
I'm gay. Jesus, wait. I'm gay.
I'm completely 100 percent gay.
Good. Now you're going to prove it.
Boys.
I like to watch.
Oh, boy.
I mean, oh, boy.
So when you say you went down...
I went down and I went to town.
I chowed down on her like I was drinking from a cup of ambrosia.
And she came. She came to.
You gotta get the word out.
I've found the cure to comas.