This is what you missed last week on Shameless.
Come on, Lip, I'm going home.
You let some dude finger you last night on the L?
You make it sound so filthy. And he's not just any dude.
He's your boyfriend's brother.
Yo, Robbie, it's me.
To Kevin Ball,
- I leave my beloved Alibi Room. - What?
Why don't you send me $500 a month
- for two years? - Okay.
No one is getting laid until they get paid.
I got the labor force. All I need is the clientele and a location.
- You've got both. - I want to enlist.
Phillip.
- It's Lip. - It's just Gallagher now. Get on.
I want you to break my leg. I need the insurance money.
It's the only way I'll be able to pay for the transplant.
- My own daughter isn't even a match. - Daughter?
Oh, fuck it.
Get out!
You know, I'm getting pretty damn tired of everybody telling me
where I should be and what I should be doing.
Well, then stop making them have to. Grow the fuck up.
I need a beer for my daughter here.
Ripped By mstoll
- Wondering why I picked this corner? - I'm really not.
You call me when I'm with Mike. Text me when I'm with Mike.
How about we just cut out the middleman, which is me,
and you can fuck your brother?
- I'm bringing you there. - No, you're going on with your life
and I'm—
Oh, this motel? It's classy.
Rooms by the hour. That's why it's fun.
You know how last time when I told you to stop texting me
and it turned into sex?
This isn't that.
I don't know why it took me this long to start hating myself,
but I got there. It's a shitty feeling.
I'm not punishing you or blaming you. I just really need this to end.
Phillip Gallagher?
- Yeah, who's asking? - Fort Dearborn Military Police.
Can you step out of the stall, please?
You know, I'm gonna be busy for a while
but you can join me if you wanna wipe my ass.
- Wait, what the fuck? Hey, hey! - Sergeant, wait!
- You're Phillip Gallagher? - Jesus, what the hell is going on?
Or do you get off on watching guys taking a dump?
Is that your social security number?
Blow me. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck.
DO you know this man?
No, I've never seen him before in my life.
Any idea how he got a hold of your name and social security number?
No. But it's pretty scary, you know?
I'm feeling pretty fucking violated over here.
- What's he—? What's he wanted for? - For impersonating you, apparently.
Attempted theft of property and being away without leave.
Wow, no shit. What did he try and steal?
Helicopter. Surface-to-air missile.
- Army-issue boxer brief— - Sergeant.
Mr. Gallagher, we may need you to testify.
- We'll be in touch. - Well, at ease, gentlemen.
I've always wanted to say that.
So this is it. This is where my dad lives.
In all its grandeur.
No one is home?
Thought I might meet my brothers and sisters.
Yeah, well, they're pretty busy.
Anyway, we should hit the road.
Time to find out what this foot is worth
to the damn insurance company. - Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Here. For your toes. Come on, sit down.
Hopefully, they won't break our hearts again this season.
So there's something I have to say.
You and me, we have a connection.
I mean, last week, I was trying to get you into the sack.
It's understandable under the circumstances.
I thought the sex is gonna be amazing
and then I found out you were my dad,
so that was, like, an adjustment.
Sure.
My whole life, I've been looking for a daddy.
The old man who'd get lucky with me at last call,
the bass player who got herpes in Manila,
and now, at last, I have you.
- Only. .. - What?
You didn't come find me because you needed another daughter.
You just need a liver, right? And I am gonna help you find one,
- but if that's all this is, then I— - No, no. No.
I mean, yes, initially, I sort of looked at you as an organ farm
but when you figured out we were family,
you didn't treat me like the rest of my kids,
rats leaving a sinking ship.
And, hell, I wouldn't have blamed you.
But you stuck around.
You gave me hope.
Oh.
I'm sorry. I hate to cry.
I'd be crying, too, if I wasn't so high.
Come on, Daddy. Let's go get you some money, huh?
Hey, you wanna guess.
- Guess what? - What we're doing for your birthday.
- Hmm... Going dancing? - Mm.
I mean, skydiving?
- Mm.
Sex club? I knew it. Sex club.
I'll wear my crotchless teddy.
Cocktail attire, wear something warm in case we wanna hang outside.
Ah. I've never been to an outdoor sex club.
Oh, yeah, you know what? Speaking of romantic, intimate getaways, my mom.
Eww!
She wanted us to come grill tonight.
- She did? That's so nice. - Yeah.
So it's just us. And Robbie. And my parents.
- Is that okay? - Perfect. Sure.
I own the Alibi Room!
It's a bar, which you may not know,
because your fucking scaffolding is covering the sign!
- Uh-huh. - Your guy said that...
Your...
Excuse me, can you please stop jackhammering for one minute?
Thank you! Your guys said
the scaffolding is to check the building
- for loose bricks or something. - Correct.
Yeah, then why are you digging up the sidewalk?
New sewer line.
I depend on walk-in business, all right?
Customers see the sign, they go:
"Hey, that's a nice bar. I want a drink there."
Here's the important part. They need the sidewalk to walk into my bar.
- How long? - What?
How long is it gonna be torn up? A day or two?
More like six or seven.
- Seven days? - Weeks.
Fuck!
- Hey. - No way.
Lip. You're home.
Thought it was time I stopped by, check in.
- How are the coeds? - Oh, it varies by coed.
What's this?
Creepy art she's making because her boyfriend dumped her.
- A boyfriend? - I'm expressing myself creatively.
You're counting underarm hair with a mirror.
- Check it out, four new ones. - Get off of me!
- Ohh... - Phillip! How nice!
No one told me you'd be home.
- Sheila, what are you doing here? - Good question.
Well, Fiona is at work,
and then she has a barbecue at Mike's house,
and I said, "I'd be happy to watch the kids."
And you and Liam here having a candle-lit dinner?
Well, Fiona said it was okay if I had my date over.
It's actually our fourth date. He's such an interesting man.
Recorded Songs of the Menominee Indian Tribe.
That would be my succotash. Hold on.
Okay.
There you go. Hey, you guys heard anything from Ian?
Not for weeks. And Fiona doesn't even care.
What about the U.S. Army? You hear anything from them?
We're looking for Phillip Gallagher.
He's at college.
- No. - Why the Army?
Because Ian joined up.
- Cool. - Is he old enough?
No, he used my name and social when he signed up,
and then he tried to steal a helicopter
and a bunch of other shit. Went AWOL.
- Helicopter? Awesome. - Does Fiona know?
No, not yet. You know when she's gonna be back?
She doesn't always come home. Lots of Sheila babysitting.
You could call her.
No, it's not the kind of news you wanna deliver on the phone.
Hey, is that your boyfriend with the toothpicks in his head?
It's sort of abstract. I'm calling it True Love.
Super creepy.
Collectors will pay millions for it one day.
An early work from Debbie Gallagher's collage phase.
I'll see you guys later, okay?
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna go ask around about Ian.
See if anyone's heard from him.
- Okay. - Bye.
Like you know anything about art.
All right, turn to the left and raise the leg.
Yeah, now make a sad face.
What, do I look happy?
Oh, man, totally thought you were gonna wuss out on me on this,
come back with a hairline fracture, but this?
This is a masterpiece.
I mean, this is like a aerial photo of ground zero.
You should be very proud.
- Just tell me we can get 100 grand. - Oh, I'd say 100 G's, easy.
That's wonderful.
I am just going to get my hands on the forms.
She signs as a witness, right?
We file the claim, and then you get a check in 16 months.
What, 16 months? No, that's too long.
My liver is failing now.
Well, I can push for a quick settlement.
- How quick. - A year?
Hey, Frank, they're not gonna just hand you the cash, okay?
Suck it up and survive.
Stay with me tonight. I'll take care of you.
I'm gonna need more meds.
Hey.
- Mandy ain't here. - That's good,
because I came to talk to you.
The fuck you want?
You heard anything from Ian?
No.
- It's important. - So you think I give a shit
because I worked with the guy?
You're gonna make me spell it out?
What the fuck you getting at?
Nothing, I'm just worried about him.
- That's all. - Well, I haven't seen him.
- How hard was that? - He in trouble?
What kind of trouble?
I'll tell you when I find out.
Robbie, tell them what you were saying about the turkey.
- Yeah? - Turkey?
When I was at Ted's in Oregon,
he wanted me to try his famous deep-fried turkey.
So we put this hot oil pressure cooker thing in the yard.
- Right. - Put the turkey in, and it exploded.
Set the entire side of his house on fire.
- No way. - Fire trucks, all that.
They put the fire out, and the house was more or less okay.
But we saw the turkey by the pool...
- This is really good. - Oh, you've heard this?
- Pull a drumstick off and try it. - Jesus.
- And it was really, really good. - Really?
Can you believe it?
Yeah.
Did Dad tell you how I wanna move to Portland?
- No. - Oh, that's interesting.
Because he said he spoke to you
and you were the one who talked him out of writing the check
to cover my move.
No, he didn't mention that you were moving to Oregon.
Can we not do this with a guest here?
What, Fiona? She's practically family, Mom.
Look, Robbie, I haven't told Dad anything
that I haven't said to you. I think it's a smart idea for—
I don't tell you what to do.
If you wanna sell cups for the rest of your life with Dad, go for it.
Sit behind a fake wood desk all day
and make payments on your duplex and your cool Dodge Challenger.
What, are you chasing your dreams, is that it?
How's that working out, Robbie?
Fiona, can you give me a hand with the skewers?
- I'd love to. - Thanks.
I don't have anything against...
That boat looks gorgeous at night, all lit up.
What? What lake boat?
- Mike said for your birthday— - Bill, it was a surprise.
- I thought it was— - Oh, he made it perfectly clear.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
I'll pretend I'm surprised.
And now that you mention it, it does sound fun.
It's wonderful. I took Nancy there a few years ago.
- Oh, it was so romantic. - Got a table by the window.
There's seating on the outside, but it gets pretty cold out there.
- Just bring a warm coat. - There's a lit dance floor
and I guess a DJ or a live band, depending.
We just sat at our table, got a— Goddamn it.
- What? - Stop it!
- Stop! Stop it! Stop! - Oh, my God!
- Fuck off! - Stop it!
- What happened? - Stop it!
Let go!
What did you say?
Everything okay?
- I'll wait inside. - No, you should go.
- Mike, I don't know what he— - Please, just go.
Actually, my deceased ex-husband had very strong Christian beliefs,
and I would go to church with him
but I've got to admit, it's been a while.
- I'm not a Christian. - What?
But the website was christianmingle.com.
Good way to meet nice white women.
Oh, well, I'll take that as a compliment.
- My eyes enjoy you. - Oh!
Don't let me interrupt.
I stashed some THC edibles in the freezer. I got to...
What was your name again?
- Climbing Weed— - Running Tree.
Oh.
You're Indian? The feather, not the dot?
He's a Menominee Indian, Frank. We both are, actually.
My great-grandmother was raped by a Menominee warrior,
and I'm learning all about the culture.
- Isn't this a great country? - Yeah.
Just one, big, rapey melting pot.
Frank, we're— We're having dinner.
No, I'm fine.
- Can I ask you a delicate question? - Thanks.
On the Indian reservation, you people drink yourselves unconscious,
but I never hear of an Indian getting a liver transplant.
- Why is that? - Government won't pay for it.
- So we use a sweat lodge. - Yeah?
It's a ceremony. It cleans your liver, your spleen.
Opens your soul to the great spirit.
And it's a real high.
Releases the toxins in your fat cells.
It's like snorting oxy, man. It's beautiful.
Do— Do you think it would work for my liver?
This baby is on its last legs.
No question. But I live in a condo. No place to build a lodge.
Well, you could use my yard.
That would be all right with you?
Oh, I think it would be just wonderful.
It's been a while. But hell, yes, let's do it.
Fuck Western medicine.
To sweating it out.
What is that?
I'm gonna put this sign outside so people know to come in the back.
You realize that's not how you spell "come," right?
- Shit. - Baby, he saw you.
Alan. How are you, my friend?
- What can I get you? - Well, let's see.
I'll start with two legally mandated monthly payments of $500 each.
And I'd love to give them to you,
but this bar is a financial black hole.
And now the city has blocked our front door,
so people think we are closed.
The minute we turn it around, you'll get paid, I promise.
Well, you're keeping up with my father's legacy.
- We're trying. - Violating my trust
and screwing me over.
Even dead, he fucks me.
A thousand dollars tomorrow. Understand?
Was he threatening us?
Yeah, he's gonna beat us to death with his limp wrist.
Though he did inherit his father's gun collection.
- True. - And his daddy was a loan shark.
He might have learned a few tricks of the trade.
So far, this day has sucked ass.
What kind of clues are we looking for?
A friend of Ian we don't know about, an address, anything, really.
He really stole a helicopter? Doesn't sound like Ian.
You're worried?
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, it would be nice to find him before the Army does.
I can help look for him after school tomorrow.
It would be great if you could talk to Mandy.
You don't want to?
She's mad at you, isn't she?
Yeah, we reconnected and things got complicated.
- Did you have sex? - What?
You don't have to tell me.
Yeah, but, you know, it was no big deal.
If it wasn't sex, then what was the problem?
Everything else.
- Tell me what you told Mike. - The truth. He needed to know.
Oh, that was for his sake? How generous.
- I did you a favor, okay? - Fuck you.
- You don't wanna be with him. - You don't know shit about me.
- Oh, shit. - You've got to be kidding me.
- What the fuck, Mandy?
- Excuse me! - Oh, jeez!
Hey, you mind not swinging that shit around?
You're gonna fucking hurt someone!
- This is your fault. - Mine?
I'm tripping over these bitches. I want them gone now.
I was gone ten fucking minutes!
- Yo, it's Mickey. In or out? - I told you I'm in.
I'm just not looking forward to discussing it with my wife.
I'll call you back.
- Baby? - Yeah?
We were talking about using Stan's apartment to generate some income.
Rent it out.
Or we could open up another business.
Since this one is going so well.
You know how expensive it is to get a business license?
Unless we don't need one.
Svetlana and her girls are out of work.
Wait. Wait a minute.
- Do you wanna open a whorehouse? - No, of course not.
Just a rub and tug.
- It's a massage with a happy ending. - I know what a rub and tug is.
Those girls are trained professionals.
Compared to this place, it's pure profit.
Look, we're victims of a society that squeezes lower middle class.
Screws up our businesses because of jackhammers
and taxes and regulations and unnecessary paperwork.
Basically forces us to do illegal shit.
Now I'm having four kids!
If that means I've got to turn out some Russian whores
to feed my family and pursue the American dream,
that's how it's got to be!
I was gonna say I think it's a great idea.
- Really? - Yeah.
Let's get those bitches tugging.
There you go.
It means a lot, you looking after me like this.
I am a lucky public—
- Oh, Jesus Chr— - Chuckie, be careful.
No, no, it's fine. It's fine. He didn't mean to.
- No. - Did you, Chuckles?
Funny kid.
- It's nice to be with family. - It sure is.
- Morning, Debs. - Morning.
Oh, probably not a good time to tell Fiona about Ian.
And why is that?
Her and Mike broke up. Heard her talking to V.
After a break-up, a woman is not in the mood for bad news.
Hi, Mike. Sorry for the 15 stalker voicemails.
I'm assuming you don't wanna see my face in the office.
But maybe I should come get my stuff.
I'm not sure how to handle it, so call me if...
Yeah.
Doesn't sound like a fun night.
Every time I close my eyes, I see Mike.
The way he looked at me.
Last night, after a 16-hour workday at the Alibi,
Kev and I heated Tater Tots for dinner.
When I picked up those brown lumps out of the microwave,
Kev made this face.
That's how you look when you talk about Mike.
What?
Mike is a nice guy, but you were never that into him.
- I have never made that face. - Mike is a Tater Tot.
There's no way he doesn't fire me.
Not to mention, his dad owns the company,
- and he was there last night. - Ouch.
I was getting so used to a steady paycheck.
Groceries without coupons, wine in a bottle instead of a box.
You think they'll pay for last week or just stiff me?
Oh, health insurance.
We have to get to the dentist before they cancel it.
Told you.
Morning.
- Holy shit. When did you get home? - Hi. Last night.
- So good to see you. - Yeah, you too.
Unless you failed out of school. Why are you here?
- It's your birthday. - My birthday.
She wasn't planning on celebrating, but now we can have our party here.
Kev will bring cheap booze. Like, really cheap.
I can pick up a cake from the supermarket.
- I know this is hard. - Thanks, Debs.
- Hope those aren't for us. - Back to bag lunches, I'm afraid.
Bologna and cheese.
You can't just give us lunch money and then cut us off.
I know. I'm sorry.
If Mike wants to fire you, make him act like your boss
and write that shit on a human resource form.
"I terminated this employee because I was screwing her,
and then she started screwing my brother."
- You what? - Really?
My bad.
But seriously,
this shit is the definition of sexual harassment.
So I'm just gonna go into the office like nothing happened
with everyone staring at me and hating me?
Do you need the paycheck Or not?
Where are the massage tables?
You know how much those things cost?
Look at this, Salvation Army, ten bucks each.
All we got to do is hang sheets, divide the space up.
- Yeah, but what about the cleanup? - What about it?
- Isn't there gonna be jizz all over? - You're overthinking this, man.
Look, we've got everything we need. Lube, Clorox, all in bulk.
- How much we charge? - Fifty bucks, girls get $17.
$17? Same as Sasha?
At least over there, we have walls, we have tables.
And we learned a valuable lesson, anyone can jerk a cock.
I jerk mine, he jerks his.
Learn a unique skill or shut the fuck up.
No one knows what the fuck you're saying.
Hey, Fiona.
- Fiona. - Good morning.
Can you come with me? I need to speak with you.
- Everything okay? - Better if we speak privately.
Make a wish.
- Attagirl! - Yeah.
Get some plates and napkins. Come on, we're hungry.
Got some cake to eat.
- Do you like chocolate? - Yes.
I wanna help, but if Ian wanted me to share where he was, you'd know.
- He called you? - I didn't say that.
What do you know about Ian's sex life?
Well, he's gay.
- There's an old boyfriend of Ian's. - From how long ago?
No, I mean, like "old" old. Like, over 40.
I don't know his name. If you find him, ask him about Ian.
Anything?
Yeah, said we should ask Ian's old boyfriend?
- Someone with grey hair? - Jimmy's dad.
He crawled into my bed once, poked me with a full chub.
- Wait, you mean Ned? - Yeah, Ned.
Wait, so Jimmy's dad was Ian's boyfriend?
I'm not sure they ever made it to boyfriend status.
But, yeah, that's who Mandy is talking about.
Chicago. Yeah, Dr. Ned Lishman.
Come on in.
Running Tree, this is Frank's daughter, Sammi.
And her son, Chuck.
Sorry I'm late, Sheila.
I couldn't find anyone to watch the kids.
That's, no... What kids?
Ohh...
Oh.
Brought the whole tribe, did you?
You didn't tell me you had kids. You never mentioned it.
My sister's. She ran off with her junkie boyfriend.
Well, hello. And welcome to all of you.
What are your names?
This is Dale, Ben, Sarah, Denise and Gary.
Hello, Gary. What's your Indian name?
Gary.
Oh.
Well, I'm Sheila. Just Sheila.
We're gonna need some help building this lodge.
These kids are useless.
- What do you need? - We need a dozen seven foot saplings.
Two dozen fist-sized, basaltic rocks.
Kindling, a couple of shovels, a pail of water,
and all the tarps, quilts, and buffalo skins we can find.
Jesus.
Come in.
I assume this is professional in nature?
It's not, but it won't take long. Can I shut the door?
I'd prefer you left it open.
I owe you an explanation.
Because what I did was crazy.
And I keep asking myself why I did it.
The only answer that I can come up with is that,
I think I was trying to prove something.
Not to you, but to myself.
Prove that I didn't deserve you.
Or this job, your parents, your friends.
All these nice, normal, functional people.
I really didn't think I deserved any of it.
And in the end, I was right.
- That's it? - Yeah.
Are you firing me?
No, I am transferring you to Account Management.
I'd prefer you didn't work for me directly.
Thank you.
I'm the one who's sorry, by the way.
Why?
That I'm not more interesting.
- You are. - I'm really not.
I hold down a job, I look after my family,
care about telling the truth.
I'm sorry those aren't selling points.
If you...
If it's all right, I'd like you to leave now.
You're not delivering my sushi, are you?
No, afraid not.
- Do I know you? - Yeah, I'm Lip. Ian's brother.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
How can I help you?
I'm afraid Jimmy hasn't been in touch for a while.
- We're looking for Ian. - Hello.
- Why don't you both come inside? - Sure, yeah.
Know what pisses me off? That Chris won't just say—
Hello.
- You really got a type, huh? - What does that mean?
- These are Ian's siblings. - Ah.
Great, so you both know him. Where can we find him?
I'll let you know when the food comes.
Okay.
I let Ian crash here for a while.
- When? - A few weeks ago.
Then I came home and he was hosting a group of...
well, in my opinion, unsavory characters.
They smashed my glass tabletop with a bottle of Jägermeister.
When things settled down, I asked Ian to leave.
- Where did he go? - Well, he's with your mother.
Monica?
- They're under a bridge somewhere. - Oh, it was a house.
- I have the address. You want it? - Yeah, please.
Debs, why don't you—? Why don't you go home, yeah?
Why?
Because every time we find Monica, you know, we wish we hadn't.
She might not know where she is, who she is, who we are.
I'm not a little kid.
Okay.
There's no way I'm shelling out 50 bucks for a hand job.
Thirty, maybe.
I'll tell you what, for 30 bucks, you can go jerk yourself off.
We've got overhead, Tommy. The laundry alone is killing—
Hey, I pay $30 at the Thai place, and they wash towels, too.
Damn Thai sex workers, stealing jobs from decent Americans.
- Our girls are Russian. - Eat with forks, not with sticks.
Baby, you hit up everyone who's come in here, all of them.
What if we advertise?
Put an ad in Craigslist, one of those local business things?
Yeah, we can get some meth heads to hand out flyers and shit.
- And pay them how? - We don't.
We just tell them we'll pay them. If they complain, we'll beat them.
Carl! Carl!
Carl, hey.
- I got a job for you, son. - I'm busy.
No, this is better. We're gonna build a sweat lodge.
Great big rocks, heated by a big fire, and a tepee—
- Big fire? - Yeah.
This is Sammi, your big sister. It's time you met.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I already got two sisters. - Yeah, well, here's another one.
This is your nephew. Chuckie, this is your Uncle Carl.
Wow, they even look alike.
Oh, shit. This is an emotional situation.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Excuse us, would you? - Sure.
- She's freaking me out. - I get it.
Look, how about I take Sammi to the Alibi for reinforcements?
You and Chuck gather saplings.
You can initiate him into the Gallagher way.
Wait, what's a sapling?
So, what happened with this boyfriend?
Ex-boyfriend.
His name's Matt. He's nice.
But he said we couldn't be together because I'm a virgin.
So I tried it with someone else—
- Wait, tried? - Sex.
With who?
Seth Esparelli, in the arcade bathroom.
Jesus, Debs.
Only, it didn't work, and I think we broke up.
I mean, I guess. I haven't really called him to...
- Confirm? - No. Yeah.
- So stressful. - Yeah.
What the hell?
I warned you not to test me.
- Who are these guys? - My intramural tennis team.
And trust me, they do not mess around.
Do you have my cash?
- Wait, are you all gay? - No.
I'm not trying to be insulting. I wanna know if you want a hand job.
Ned said this is the place.
Doesn't look like anyone is here.
- Wait, Lip, don't go in there. - I have to, right?
Stay behind me.
Come On.
- Let's go home. - It's okay, Debs.
Someone has got the heat on.
This is Ian's. Yo, Ian!
Someone is coming.
Shit.
—Sorry.
I have got a gun, motherfuckers!
- I will shoot you full of holes! - No, please don't do that.
We're just looking for our brother.
- Looking for who? - Ian Gallagher.
Or Monica. She live here?
- Who are you? - Do you really have a gun?
Yeah. And Monica don't live here no more.
This is our brother's stuff, okay? So he lives here, right?
- We're just trying to find him. - He's at work.
- And where's that? - The White Swallow.
- The what? - The White Swallow in Boystown.
Okay. All right, thank you. Thank you.
Go, Debs, go. Go, go, go.
Come on, hurry up.
Here you go, here's your change, and Veronica will take care of you.
- Nice. - Excuse me?
No, not her. Forget it. Mickey. Got a customer to take upstairs.
- Right this way, McEnroe.
- Alibi. - It's me.
Hey. I was just about to call you.
We're gonna be late
because we have customers at the bar for the first time in days.
Yeah, I was calling to say I'm not in the mood for a party.
Well, that's too damn bad, because Kev and I are coming over
with a gallon of Ivan The Terrible vodka
and a bucket of Cool Ranch Doritos.
If you don't wanna partake, you can watch.
—Door is open. I don't have a choice?
- Bye, bitch.
- Are you kidding me? - Happy birthday.
- What the fuck are you doing here? - I thought we could celebrate.
Or I could stab myself in the eye with a pencil.
By way of apologizing. Now it's a party.
Coke?
Fresh out of rehab and you have coke?
Well, booze is the problem. I can do coke, a little weed.
But as far as booze goes, I'm clean.
- You sound like Frank. - Who's Frank?
- Oh, you got a mirror? - Oh, yeah, right here.
- Oh, wait, it's a baseball bat. - Hey! Easy, easy.
Okay, okay. All right. Happy birthday.
- Does he know it's us? - Yeah, I think so. Yo.
What's up?
Hey, man. Yeah.
Debbie. Oh, my gosh. You look great.
Thank you. You do, too.
This is my brother and sister.
- This is family. - Hey.
Hey, how long you been working here, huh?
A couple weeks.
This place, it's awesome. It's super convenient.
You guys want drinks? They're on the house.
- No, I'm good, I'm good. - Appletini. Appletini.
- Two appletinis. - Okay.
- Is there any place we could talk? - Oh, I love this song.
Yeah, look, some army MPs came by looking for you.
They want to arrest you for going AWOL.
- Stealing government property. - This is top-shelf.
No, hey, did you hear me? They say you stole a helicopter.
That's hilarious.
- Well, is it? - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I didn't steal anything. I just started the rotors.
Hey, can you guys hang around for a while?
My shift gets off at two
but I always go out after or I hit the local gym,
depending on how pumped I am.
But seeing you guys, I just— I feel great, you know?
Hey, let's go outside so we can hear each other, huh?
- Try your drink. - No, outside.
- Come on. Come here. Come on. - Get your hand off him.
It's fine, We're brothers. We're just talking. Yo, Ian!
I definitely need some ID. Let's go.
- She's not drinking, man. Ian! Yo!
- Why was he acting like that? - It's late. We should go.
Is there something wrong with him?
At least we know where he is now. I'll come back and check on him.
Let's get you home, all right? Come on.
This is gonna make you feel right at home.
Okay.
I've got succotash, quinoa and fry bread,
made from acorn powder, indigenous to our people.
What was your name again?
One-Eyed Snake. And this is Stinking Wind.
Stinking Wind. That's unusual.
Got any burgers?
I've got Buffalo burgers. Would you like that?
Let me get that for you. Hold on a second.
Hold on. Hold on, missy. Hold on.
Dumb shit, why are you giving her fake names?
- Because she's crazy. - At least she made us dinner.
Tie it tight. Nice and tight.
Yeah, good, good. Holy shit.
Dad, Dad, Dad. Look what we built.
We took it from a pile of trees and even stole the PVC—
Sammi was amazing.
She rallied the bar by telling them the lodge would cure impotence.
She led the charge to steal blankets from the bums on skid row.
- A chip off the old block or what? - All for a good cause.
- Jesus, they reek. - Yeah, they'll keep the heat in.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
- They're fine. - They're heavy.
- Yeah!
All right, Alan, here is $350.
I'll give you the rest in a couple of days.
Kevin, the idea of men upstairs jizzing all over Dad's apartment...
works for me.
- Tell your friends, okay? - Okay.
All right, babe, let Tito here take over.
- We got to get to Fiona's. - All right, just one more shot.
Here's to good old-fashioned American capitalism.
You can keep a man down,
but you can never keep him from getting it up.
- Yes, sir! Let's go, let's go! - Yeah.
- Chief says cover all the holes. - There you go.
Dad, when Sammi was little, did you ever think about her?
Of course, I did.
Well, no, I didn't. That had more to do with her mother.
She was a real pain in the ass.
- How come? - She wanted me to get a job.
Support them, yada, yada, yada.
- How old are you now, ten? - Twelve.
Soon you'll knock up your first ghetto girl and ditch her.
But you get to my age, you get perspective.
You learn to embrace the responsibilities
that come with parenthood.
Sammi is my last chance to get it right.
- What do you mean "get it right?" - Huh?
- I got to go. - Now?
- You're gonna miss the ceremony. - See you.
Soon as I carry these hot rocks into the lodge, we're ready.
- You okay? - My son just took off.
Look at my sister's kids.
We're out here building a traditional fucking sweat lodge,
they're in there watching TV.
Fuck them.
Yeah!
It's on. Get that arm. Liam is breaking it down.
- Oh, Liam. - Hi.
I don't care if I can't drink or take your drugs.
I got Doritos. Doritos are like crack.
I might even snort them.
At least Robbie got one thing right, the prick.
Fiona, get your ass in here.
I'm gonna show you how to break it down.
- Coming. - Oh! Oh!
Can't see you. Can't see you.
There you go.
Hey, Debs.
- Thanks for coming with me today. - Yeah, thanks for letting me.
- Hey! - Hey! Look at Lip now.
Cake, cake, cake!
- Get down. - Hey. Hey.
Where you been?
We gone out on a little adventure. I'll tell you all about it later.
Looks like somebody is gonna get to keep their job.
- Oh, no shit, that's great. - Fiona!
- Oh, my God. - Oh, shit.
- What's on his face? - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Step back, step back! - He's not breathing!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Liam? Liam? Liam?
- Call! - Liam?
Liam? Step back, baby. Give him some room. Liam?
- Oh, my God! - Liam?
BP is 200 over 120. Heart rate is 130.
- What'd he take? - Coke. He got into my coke.
- How much? - Half gram, more. I don't know.
- Coming through. Is he gonna be okay?
He's gonna be okay, though, right?
Yeah, clear the way, please.
Coming through!
Three-year-old male, cocaine ingestion.
BP is 200 over 120. HR is 130.
- Started two milligrams of Ativan. - He's gonna be okay, right?
I'll get the truck.
Thank you, Great Spirit, for this blessing,
for the good earth, plants, and trees.
The universal lifeblood of our sweat
intermingles with the waters of the world,
carried to the four quarters of the planet.
We know you, healing spirit, when you are with us.
Your voice is the voice of all things.
- You call to us— Frank Gallagher!
—Jesus Christ.
Wow, it's hot. Hey, is Frank in here?
It's about his son, Liam.
- Dad? - Beat 5533,
- I need an ambulance. - Copy that, Beat 55...
They won't let me back there.
I was watching him at the party. I thought he was in the living room.
- Excuse me. - Excuse me. Liam. Liam Gallagher.
Have a seat. Someone will be out in a minute.
- What was that? - Who's Fiona?
That's me.
- Put your hands behind your back. - What?
Fiona Gallagher, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.
Do you understand your rights as I've read them to you?
Ripped By mstoll