Edited at https://subtitletools.com
This programme contains strong language from the start,
with some violence and scenes of a sexual nature.
That was lovely, Anthony.
Thanks.
I'm sure we'd love to have you in the chamber choir. >
Those girls do not do fickety fick with town scum like you.
You've got 48 hours to pay me.
Oh, my God!
No more sports science teachers, Angie.
I know.
No matter how big his dick...
Shut it, Chris.
How do you do it? You never eat anything.
Your parents must notice.
It's not exactly like anybody cares.
I... care.
What's happening for Christ's sakes?
His fucking dealer is a supply teacher.
I'm really looking forward to meeting you.
INSTRUMENTS BEING TUNED
(WOMAN) Shut it!
Jal, OK?
No repeats. Don't get ahead.
(PLAYS CLARINET)
OTHERS JOIN IN TUNELESSLY
No! Mezzo.
Fucking mezzo for fuck's sake!
Jesus Christ, Kevin. Lose the sodding chewing gum, you twat!
Trumpets, fucking keep up.
Kevin, oi!
CRASH
Shit! Wank! You useless frigging tosser. See me after.
Now accelerando. Fucking accelerando.
Bollocks, bollocks.
Let's try the concerto now. It's such a lovely competition piece.
Do you think you can handle it?
Dunno.
You'll win if you can pull it off. Hand me the piano part.
Um, Claire?
Oh, hi, Doug.
Can I have a word?
Sure. What's up?
Um... We've had a couple of complaints about the orchestra.
Well, the brass section is a little rough
but then Gershwin's deceptively difficult.
No, no, no. It's more of a... a language problem
with, well, with the swearing.
Swearing?
Yes. I was listening outside and there was quite a bit of swearing.
Oh, well, I'll have a word with them. OK?
It's just...
Yes.
No problem.
Fine. Thanks.
Oh, you know Jal - our Young Musician Of The Year finalist.
No, I... Well done.
And you'll sort out the swearing?
I'll get to the bottom of it, Doug.
Yes. Thank you.
OK, let's try the allegro.
OK.
And one, two, three, one, two.
Yes, and hold it, hold the phrase.
Yeah! Fuck my donkey, that's good!
(TV) 'Day 97 and Majika isn't happy at how Kinky treated her during the penis test.
'She gets together with Jakelia, Bubbins and Tibo to talk things over.
'She is such a bitch.
'Total bitch.
'Bitch. Check out those tits. My God, she's such a liar.
'Slag. She had them done.
'Slag.
'What I'd like to do to that whore, I'd like to...
'BIRDSONG'
'.. right? And then I'm gonna peel her top off and I'm gonna...
'BIRDSONG'
Michelle?
Do you have to do that?
What?
Suck Tony's face off in public all the time.
She loves me. Yeah, babe?
Yeah.
We're supposed to be going shopping!
Michelle. >
I wanna hump you silly.
We're just gonna, um, nip upstairs.
I need to go shopping.
What for?
A dress for Jal's music competition.
This won't take long.
Jesus, are they gonna...?
Fuck this.
Hi.
Is, uh, Tony in?
(MICHELLE SHRIEKS)
Pretty much.
Oh. I'll just, uh, wait.
You know, hang out.
Is that all you do, Sid? Hang out with Tony?
Pretty much. And Michelle.
Yeah. Michelle.
Come on. Going shopping.
I don't shop.
Shut up. You'll have to do.
(MICHELLE MOANS)
I'll have to do?
Fucking hell.
In here.
What? >
Jesus, come on!
Get this.
Looks nice, yeah.
No, it fucking doesn't. I can't breathe properly, look.
How am I supposed to play clarinet in a fucking dress?
Zip.
Just wear normal stuff.
It's the Young Musician Of The Year.
In, uh, where? Bedminster?
In Britain. I've gotta fix up.
Zip.
It's in your arse, Jal.
For Christ's sakes, are you gonna help me here or not?
(MUMBLES)
It won't move.
Aaah!
What's wrong with you? Come on!
Oh, God!
Hurry!
Oh, that's it! Oh, that's it.
She, uh, didn't like it. Too small.
Yes.
(PANTS)
You're disgusting.
It's Lynx.
(HUMS)
Whoa...
It's not right.
It's fine. It's just a dress.
You really know how to talk to a girl, Sid.
Do I?
No.
Oh.
When are you going to stop moping over Michelle?
(LAUGHS UNEASILY) What?
Oh, is it that obvious?
She's your best friend's girlfriend, Sid, and it's a little bit weird.
How's this gonna happen?
Um... Well, OK, right,
we're out, yeah? And she is drunk,
you know, totally mentalled and mistakes me for Tony in the dark,
and her hands are everywhere.
Everywhere - all over my body
and she goes crazy when she realises my tongue's double jointed.
But by then it's too late and we go at it like animals until...
(LAUGHS) For fuck's sake!
Well, don't ask if you don't want to know.
I want a cookie.
Double super choc sprinkle surprise, please.
What?
There's more to life than sex, eh?
You and me both.
Huh?
Oh, come on. It's not like you're getting any, either.
You've got your Young Musician Of The Year. I've got chocolate-chip cookies.
(SIGHS)
Deal with it.
METRONOME TICKING
PLAYS ALONG WITH BACKING MUSIC
POUNDING BASS
MUFFLED RAPPING
MUSIC GROWS LOUDER
(RAPS) Don't push me, don't push me Cos this shit just won't stand
You won't believe The opposite of bland
Cos I am the man
And you won't understand...
Hey, buttas, why you messin' my flow? You get me?
I'm trying to do some fucking practice.
Who's stopping you, mootbag?
Yo, you're all up in our beat, Sister.
This is big brother business Ya know what I'm sayin'?
I think I do, Ace. And what I'm saying is shut the fuck up. OK?
Raas!
Duck out, waste gash. You come in 'ere chattin', wet on our tune.
Agh!
What did you do that for?
Agh! She did it again!
Don't be calling our sister no waste gash.
Sorry.
Yo, Jal. We got some serious bars goin' down.
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Check it out. Drop a beat, Don.
Yeah, man, but everyone's hittin' me an' ting.
Drop a beat, Don.
It's all blessed. Chill, innit?
Yeah, man. Yeah. Blood, do you want me to rep my endz?
Yeah, rep it, rep it, rep it, rep it, rep it!
Check it out, Sis.
Make some noise, milky man! Check it!
BAD BEATBOXING
LOUD BASS LINE
Don't be comin' in my face Talking 'bout feminism
I'll put you in your place with my blatant sexism
Take my hench piece out of my larder
Cos to me "No" means "Yes" and "Yes" means...
(ALL) Harder!
Cha, cha
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Where my ladies at?
Tupac and Biggie RIP
Tupac and Biggie got more money than me
(ALL) Even though they're dead...
FEEDBACK
(ALL TALK)
Hi, Jayvon. Where's the boss?
Nice dress.
No, I like it. It's... it's brown.
Oh, thanks, Jayvon. And it's green.
Is it? Are you sure?
Oh, fuck it, I dunno.
(MAN) Check this out. I put on the music,
playing some Marvin Gaye...
Dad?
I said "You don't know Marvin?"
Jal. What's happening?
Hey, it's the blessed child.
I can't practice because my brothers are banging out dumb hip-hop.
Boys need practice too.
Yeah, them boys need plenty of practice, you know what I'm saying?
For sure, cos those pussies are bad. And I mean fucking bad.
They're doing their ting.
We didn't sound so cool way back when.
Yes, but we had tune. And you had talent.
Maybe you lost it.
Ooh. You hear that? Maybe you lost it.
Ronny, um, I don't think you introduced me.
No? Um, yeah, Jal, this is Alicia.
Hi.
I'm so excited. Your dad's going to remix one of my tracks for me.
Yeah? Has he shown you his special slider yet?
Ooh!
No, not yet.
(THEY LAUGH) >
I've got my competition on Saturday. Not that you care.
Rooty tooty music. Maybe you like dancing for whitey.
If you say so, Dad. Nice to meet you.
(THEY LAUGH) >
Oh, shite! She get you man. She get you good!
What? What's wrong?
She's got some serious attitude.
And she's looking more like her mother every day.
Ain't that the truth.
Two time.
So what? So this girl got a sister? >
Yeah, she got a sister, but boy... >
RINGING, CLICK
'Chelle?
'Did you get a dress?'
Yeah. No, I bought one.
'What colour is it?'
Green.
'Is it nice?'
Fucking horrible, of course.
'Sorry.' (GIGGLES)
You don't sound very sorry.
'Oh, stop it!'
What's that noise. Is he...?
'You know, he's just h-hanging out.'
Yeah. Ring me back when you aren't actually being penetrated, OK?
Jesus!
It's just you and me.
LOUD ECHOING BASS
Fuck! Fuck!
(ALICIA LAUGHS)
Wow, Ronny, that is so genius!
Yeah, babe.
Here's my best bit.
♪ In my dreams
♪ You're not what you seem
♪ Pour sweet cream On my strawberries
♪ Yeah
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Ooh-ooh. ♪
Needs work.
CLINKING OF CUTLERY
SLURPING
Ahh!
SLURPING
I hear you guys are musicians too.
What she spittin'?
Raas, breader, dat's bate.
She ain't even that buff.
Cool.
Um, Jal. I thought maybe I could use your flute on one of my tracks.
Where you going, sister? I ain't no choong.
You get me, blood?
Watch your lip. You, too.
They're just messing with you, sweetness.
Oh, right, well,
that's kicking, then.
You got places to go?
She's sittin' in my mother's seat, man!
Oh... I'm sorry.
Move. We're working.
What happened to her?
She didn't like my sound.
PIANO
Come on, keep up.
B fucking natural! Jesus Christ! Come on!
Yes!
Yo! Mezzo forte.
Mezzo for fuck's sakes! OK! OK!
Nice. Oh, Doug, hi.
Yes. The director wants to see Jal here. Straightaway, please.
Right there. Off you go.
Doug?
I love you.
SPRIGHTLY PIANO
KNOCKING
Ah, yes. Come in, uh...
Jal... Jalander?
Jal is fine.
OK.
Doug.
You all right?
Little bit hot in here.
Is it?
Anyway, um, Jal.
We're just delighted that we've produced such a talented pupil.
Right. It was Claire, really.
So, we'd like you to do a couple of interviews.
We want to celebrate this amazing achievement
for a girl of your background.
Pardon?
And, uh, I've prepared a checklist
of ways in which we've helped you to overcome your handicaps.
A sort of aide-memoire, so to speak.
Sorry, handicaps?
And when you talk to the television,
I'd like you to mention the college's upcoming bid
for Working Towards Sustaining Excellence
under the Everything's Getting Better initiative.
It's all terribly important.
It's for people like you. OK, Jal?
(DOUG) So, you've got the Evening Post at three.
Then This Morning with bubbly Fern Britton at half past,
followed by Blue Peter. Then Channel Four.
They're ironic, OK?
Um...
Finally, we don't like people to get disappointed...
In what?
The competition.
We don't like disappointment, do we, Doug?
So I've prepared a checklist of things to think when you lose.
As long as you've done your best.
That's the main thing.
Thanks for the advice.
Right. Let's go for it.
Go, Jal. Kick it. Let's rock!
Inspirational. That's what we're all about.
'So if you win, will we see you in the charts?
'No.
'Right. And your family, they must be very proud of you.
'No.
'Uh... Are they musical too?
'No.
'Um... Right. Um...
'Have you decided what you are going to wear on the big night?
'No.
'OK and, uh, who's the best...'
You don't exactly put out, do you, girl?
What?
'Wayne Osmond...'
Do you have to be so fucking sulky all the time?
I'm not.
'So tell me about the clarinet. It's a kind of flute, isn't it?
'No. It's a single reed woodwind instrument...'
If I was on telly, I'd make an effort.
Look at you.
'Will you take a lucky mascot on stage with you?
'No.
'Well, lots of luck with that...'
And this.
I mean, fucking hell.
Why?
I dunno. It fitted.
How much?
14 quid.
Fuck's sake. It's brown.
It's not. It's green.
I suit green.
I paid good money for that.
You did not.
Jesus, 'Chelle. I can't wear that stuff.
Shut up. You, girl, need to learn a few tricks.
Like what?
Like looking good. It's what I do.
It isn't all you do.
Yeah, it is. You play clarinet and I look shaggable.
It's talent, girl. Pure talent.
Now, come on. Off.
Sorry, mate. Record company showcase.
Over 21s tonight.
Well, I'm 21. We're all 21. Aren't we, lads?
Definitely.
Yup. He's an old one, he is.
ID?
There you go. Check it out.
I know, takes years off me.
But I had to cut it off.
It kept getting caught in the girlfriend's piercing.
Anyway, shall we go in?
Yup, might as well.
Fuck off before I stick this so far up your arse,
your teeth come out of your eyeballs. All right?
OK.
Look I just don't want to disappoint my colleague Dr Makabi.
He's visiting from Senegal.
Katinga.
Gotta warn you, he's got some serious voodoo shit going on.
You mean like this?
Yeah. Like that.
Bit more subtle.
Fuck off.
We're out. Let's get outta here, man.
It's all right, Danny.
They can come in with me.
Whoa.
Jal? Is that you in there?
My dad'll put them on the guest list. OK?
Cheers, bruv.
Your shit really good!
For Christ's sake. Stop looking at them.
Sorry, Jal.
They're a bit. Well, they're out, aren't they?
You're gay, for Christ sakes.
Yeah...
I mean, yeah, of course.
And you're supposed to respect women's bodies, Muslim boy.
I'm respecting.
Believe me, I'm respecting.
Are those, I mean, what's keeping it all up? Is that...
Don't touch.
I wanna touch. Honestly I'll die if I don't touch.
So who's buying us a drink?
I will.
It's on me.
I'll get a pitcher.
I'll buy you both a drink.
I'm going for a wee.
Nice work.
And I look...
Yeah, yeah. Cool.
I'll catch you later, yeah?
I don't know where she's been hiding it. Yeah, honestly.
Nice. Miss Obu?
Huh?
The dress. It's Miss Obu. I love that cut.
Oh. Thanks.
Can I get you a drink?
Um. I think my friends...
Oh, no problem. Maybe in a while.
You look lovely.
Oh. Cool.
What is he doing with the posh bitch?
Talking.
What? Like we're talking?
I dunno, Michelle.
Yeah, talking.
Just talking.
I know you fancy me.
I...
Oh, Christ.
I love you, Sid.
But more like a...
Please.
Brother and sister thing.
Oh, fuck.
One for luck.
Yeah, yeah.
We could be like a Welsh brother and sister.
You know, locked up in the farmhouse
with nothing but the sheep and our abusive father. Yeah, yeah.
Funny, Sid.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Um, wow, hi.
I got you a pint.
Great.
Cheers. I need to be drunk.
(BELCHES)
Oh, fine. Wow, it's nothing.
I said, let me hear some noise!
Now, yeah! My bredrin's comin' to waste you up, yeah?
They're the biggest. Don't ever get it twisted!
What?
Big it up for my boys. Blood!
Roots! Ace Man and Lynton!
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Yo! Yo! Yo! Hit me!
Pump your gash.
Want some cash.
Yo.
Volkswagon Polo. Yo.
I can't hear you, man. Your microphone ain't working!
Yeah. One, two...
The mike ain't...
The mike ain't working!
FEEDBACK
BOOING
Look there he is. There's Frazer.
Fazer! Fazer! Fazer! Fazer!
It ain't happening, man.
Yo, yo, yo, yo. You know he's not gonna come.
So let's go, yeah?
Somebody scream!
Seen Michelle?
Went home with Tony. What are you doing?
Comforting you.
What about?
Come on. Forget her, Sid.
Is there anybody in this club that doesn't know I've got a thing for Michelle?
No.
How comforting are you feeling?
You know I love you, Sid, but...
Oh, don't you fucking start. Jesus!
Hey. You said I could buy you a drink.
Bar's closed.
Yeah, but my mate's just opened a club up the road.
It's a nice place. You wanna join me?
I don't think so.
Come on.
It's such a pretty dress.
Shame to waste it.
Tell you what, bring your friend for a drink then I'll get you a cab. Promise.
Sid?
OK. Sure. Why not?
Yeah. Let's get out of this place.
So, what's your name?
Jal. Jalander.
Cool name.
And what do you do, Jalander?
I play the clarinet.
Oh, yeah. You any good?
I'm fucking good.
Let's get a taxi, yeah?
Jal?
What the fuck?
Hello, Sidney.
Oh, God.
What the fuck? Let go!
Shut up.
My associate, William, here, he's been following you.
I mean let's face it. You owe me a lorra, lorra money.
It's the principle, isn't it?
Isn't it?
I give you spliff on easy credit and you don't pay.
In fact you actively don't pay me!
So now, now we're down to consequences.
Leave him alone!
Shut up. Shut up!
I take credit cards.
I'll take them now.
Thank you.
Yours, an all.
I don't have one.
Oh.
Well, what do you have?
Ah, yeah. Goods of value.
Listen, have everything in my account, yeah?
Smart arse, give me your PIN number, now.
3746.
Well, thank you very much.
Oh, yeah look at that.
Now that...
..is a mighty fine body.
It's a nice tone.
Please, I need that.
I know, I know, I know,
but, er, if there's no funds in young Sidney's coffers
or if Sidney has made the schoolboy error of giving me...
.. the wrong number...
then you need to understand how dreadfully upset
that is gonna make me.
Hey, that's the kind of guy that I am.
You fucking bastards! I'll get you!
You bastards! You bastards!
You tolling on our sis!
Waste him! Zor him, Lynton!
Get off!
Get off! No, no! It's not him. He's helping me, you twats!
God, they smashed my clarinet.
What?
Them!
We go and get them good, sis!
Oh, God, they smashed my clarinet.
Donald's not your brother, right?
No.
Just checking.
Really, are you all right?
I'm sorry, Claire. I should never have been carrying it.
Don't even think about that, as long as you are all right.
Yeah.
Just stop beating yourself up, OK?
Yeah.
I'll sort it in the morning.
So you'll ring them?
Yes, I'll ring them tomorrow.
OK.
Right. Get some rest.
Thanks.
Look don't worry about it, Jal.
I'll phone you later. We'll work something out, OK?
All right. Thanks, Claire.
All right, bye.
Poor girl.
It wasn't insured.
Can't you get her another?
We'll try, but it's not just any clarinet. It cost thousands.
Oh, dear.
But later, yeah?
Yeah. Later.
Yeah. I'll make some phone calls. Maybe we can borrow one and...
Ah, holy shit!
Take me you fucking Welsh stud monkey!
easy, man. Easy.
We going to jack them. Real chief 'em up. >
And that's when they go all Hong Kong Phooey.
They waste us.
Waste us, man.
With sticks!
Make us look like, well, chi chi men and ting.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean you to do that.
Ah, it's nothing, sis.
Nothing at all.
We got couple of licks on them still.
Thank you.
Is there anything I can do?
I'd like a lips from Michelle.
Huh?
He wants a kiss.
Me, too.
Please.
PHONE
Hey, boy.
How you feeling?
I know you took a beating.
Your sister's grateful.
I know it.
You did good.
Yeah. I'll come down again in an hour.
I love you, too. I love you all.
Even that 'tupid white boy.
(RAPS) I'm inspired, I'm offline
A renegade, disturbing the peace while I'm spitting the serenade
All this tension, miscomprehension
I'm informed and on the level that I might mention
That when I scream it's just passion
I ain't angry at culture, I ain't angry at fashion
And I might sound spiteful if I feel shit's epidemic
I admit that some is soul but some is academic
I been doing this forever so why you choosing now?
Turning your face away is a punch in the gut, pow
So, swing a rhyme of time like the dove, sing of love and keep your peace
Cos I got kin, I got skin to think of.
Why you listening to me, girl?
Don't you talk to me through glass!
Nobody's supposed to come in here. This is my...
Why don't you ask me how I am, Dad?
I got beat on.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault I look like her.
She's gone. Deal with it. We have.
Ah, girl.
You're wasting it.
Wasting what you've got.
Don't blame me.
Don't be coming in my places, girl.
Your room is a tip. Tidy it!
What?
Tidy it.
OK?
Slow through the Adagio. Slow.
Or I'll paddle your fucking ass.
APPLAUSE
Whoa!
Watch what you're fucking doing, pal.
Get in, man.
What the...
Get in.
Get your fucking hands off! Oi!
Watch my fucking gear! Get off!
ORCHESTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY
You're home alone. How you gonna spend this money?
Powder, pills or cash?
Tell you how to get rid of your zits.
I've always wanted to fuck an older woman.
We should go on a date.
I've got a dad.
He just wants to suckle on something, probably.
♪ ADAM ANT: Prince Charming
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome
♪ Prince Charming
♪ Ridicule is nothing to be scared of
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome. ♪