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This programme contains strong language from the outset.
No more sports science teachers. I know.
This programme contains strong language from the outset.
You know Jal, our Young Musician Of The Year finalist?
You play clarinet, I look shaggable. How's the treatment going, Cassie?
Now I can eat yogurt, cup-a-soup and hazelnuts.
I thought you liked me.
What?
What's he doing with the posh bitch?
Talking.
'Is there anyone in this club'
that doesn't know I've got a thing for Michelle?
No.
You owe me a lotta, lotta money.
You shouldn't look at me like that.
It isn't appropriate.
Have you always had that mole?
Yes.
It's lovely.
Whoa!
Get in.
Hey!
You fucking, fucking...
This programme contains scenes of a sexual nature, violence and strong language from the outset.
ALARM CLOCK BUZZES
(TELEVISION) Move those hips!
'And swivel and loose.
'Reach and stretch.'
Ay up!
'Reach and up.
'And up...'
(CHRIS COUGHS)
'Let's see those buttocks clench!
'Are you feeling it? Good!
'Now relax.
'Feel the sweat.
'Enjoy it.
'Now, onto the pelvis.
'Stand with your feet firmly apart.'
Fucking Viagra.
Mum?
How much is there?
One thousand smackers.
I'd put it in premium bonds.
See, it's low risk, with a steady return. And it's tax free.
You sure you didn't just forget?
Forget what?
She said she's going on holiday, you said "Yeah",
dropped a few pills and forgot about it?
I dunno. It says she's gone for a few days.
Is it true?
Our money, babe! Our money! Yes!
That's fucking great, Anwar.
Cheer up, you fucker. >
You're home alone and you've an important question to answer.
How you gonna spend this money?
(SCREAMS)
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Stop being dandy Showing me you're handsome
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Stop being dandy Showing me you're handsome
♪ Prince Charming, Prince Charming
♪ Ridicule is nothing to be scared of
♪ Don't you ever, don't you ever
♪ Lower yourself Forgetting all your standards
♪ Prince Charming, Prince Charming
♪ Ridicule is nothing to be scared of. ♪
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
He's had an erection for 15 hours?
Doesn't even know how many Viagras he popped.
He's holding it down with Sellotape.
Sellotape?
Yeah. I don't know how.
But he's Sellotaped it to his belly, or his balls...
I don't know, Sellotaped it to something.
All right?
So it hasn't held then.
Must be the sweat.
See, I reckon life's about living in the moment,
you know... finding, you know, happiness, pleasure.
You know?
Whoa. Steady.
I'm not going to lie to you,
I'm in love with someone else.
But why should I love you?
We don't know each other at all...
And I've got this physical need thing,
and I was hoping...
maybe you have too.
(RETCHES)
You look for the gummy bits, yeah, through the paper.
Lick it.
And then...
Bruv, what papers are you using?
Cos I heard TCI Whites...
No. No, man. They're satisfying, yeah,
but the density's off, and there's too much cellulose.
I thought - maybe I'm wrong -
we should get to know each other first.
I'll...
call you tomorrow.
What's your...
What's your number?
Sid.
THUD
Chris, this feels like speed dating for druggies.
I don't know no-one here, man.
Yeah, man, I know. I'd say I know maybe about 20% of the people here,
that's why it's so good.
Actually, man, maybe more like 10%.
I see you invited your psychology teacher to aid this interaction?
Angie's here?
Yeah.
I could shift a few ounces of this stuff.
If you've got a decent supplier.
♪ CHEMICAL BROTHERS: Hey Boy Hey Girl
Chris... I'm sorry. Chris?
SONG STOPS
♪ JOE COCKER AND JENNIFER WARNES: Up Where We Belong
You all right? Do you want to dance?
No, I, um... Are there any other teachers here?
I dunno. Yeah, maybe.
It depends if they knew about it, and if they wanted to come.
Or if...
No, I only invited you.
(SIGHS) This was a bad idea. I didn't think it through.
I just wanted you to come.
Chris...
I think, right, that dancing is, like, the best thing in the world.
Yeah? Because it makes you healthy, in your body,
but it also, it makes your head better too, so...
I just... will you stay and...
dance or just...
Please.
OK.
Yeah?
Yeah.
♪ Love lift us up where we belong
♪ Where the eagles cry
♪ On the mountain high
♪ Love lift us up where we belong... ♪
Ahh.
I... I can't do this.
What? Why?
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Angie, Angie, look, look, it's not like that, all right?
I dropped a couple of them Viagra by mistake
and it's been like that all day.
It's been like a second leg, fucking third leg.
It's... It's just Viagra!
(MAN) You see? That's Viagra for you.
More trouble than it's worth.
Speak for yourself, Casa-never.
♪ .. up where we belong
♪ Up from the world we know
♪ Where the clear winds blow... ♪
MUFFLED MUSIC AND SHOUTING
I think she's a fucking nut leaving a grand on her sideboard.
I liked her. >
She smiled too much and everything, but she was all right.
I swear Chris gives these bastards speed.
They move faster than normal fish do.
Besides. I don't know what it would be like having a son like Chris.
Ugh.
He's all right. He can be well sweet sometimes.
Mmm.
Tony?
Yeah, yeah, just a minute.
(TAPS)
You know what I like about your body?
No.
One boob's bigger than the other.
Oh. Fuck.
Hi, Sid.
Sorry. I was just, uh, looking for a T-shirt.
It's just Chris said I could borrow a... Fuck.
Sorry, it's just someone puked on me, I just need a T-shirt.
I'll choose you one.
I'll wait outside. Sorry. Fuck, sorry.
Sid.
What do you think of my tits?
Huh?
Um...
Is one bigger than the other?
What? I don't...
What would you prefer?
I don't... I think there's something wrong with my eyes.
Blurring, or...
I could have an infection or something.
You'll look good in this.
Thanks. Sorry.
They're, um, nice, Michelle.
Sorry.
That was brilliant.
Fuck off!
You know what, Tony? Your eyes are supposed to fucking blur too.
Sid's face, though.
DISTORTED VOICES
PLUCKING OF STRINGS
ENGINE WHINES
You OK, Chris?
Um. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All the others asleep?
Yeah.
I don't really sleep well in other people's houses.
Do you want me to walk you home?
It's miles. But thanks.
Right.
Yeah. How did that, um, music competition thing go by the way?
Did you win?
No.
Still, finalist though, that's got to be all right, ain't it?
What did the winner get?
Oh, he signed an international recording contract.
Cool. What did you get?
I got 25 to cover my travel.
Wankers.
Chris, where's your mum?
Dunno, mate.
SNORING
I mean,
what was I supposed to say?
"Yeah, I like your tits.
"They seem very nice, symmetrical."
What's the right word, even?
Nice is OK.
Do you think she'll be upset?
Do you think she'll be angry with me?
I just,
you know, just...
Sid, your stiffy's digging into my back.
Oh. Sorry.
Sid.
Yeah.
You know there are other girls, don't you?
Where?
So you don't think she'll be angry with me?
Safe.
110, 115, 120.
Um, it's all right, mate, I've got change.
COINS JANGLE
121, 22.
23, 23.50.
24.
Six, eight.
Seven, eight, nine, ten. 24.20.
How much do I still owe you, mate?
14 quid.
OK, um, my mum keeps money upstairs.
I'll just go get it. Wait there, one minute.
What have you been doing, man?
If Chris's house didn't out-stink you, yeah,
people would actually be walking away from you.
Well, I'll just borrow some deodorant.
Hey up.
You all right, Chris?
Yeah.
What were you doing in the wardrobe?
I was just, um, checking what stuff my mum took with her.
What did she take?
Oh, yeah. Everything.
Do you think she's gone, mate?
Hey, my knob's gone down, though.
That's good.
It isn't blue or anything?
Um, no, it's a bit red, like, but, no, it's not bad. Not bad.
It looks bigger to me. Probably did it some good.
Yeah. Yeah. You might be right, actually. Yeah.
Hey, seven years bad luck, that there, mate, the mirror.
I think she's quite sexy.
I've always wanted to fuck an older woman.
It's the hips...
.. just above the knickers.
It's the way the skin bunches, you know.
I mean, look at her,
very nice hips.
Where's Chris?
Right here.
This man won't let us start the pizzas till you pay him.
OK. Anyone got any cash?
You've got a grand!
Nah, man. I've got a nice hi-fi, about 4,000 beer cans,
and then a few of these empty wraps. What?
Listen, yeah, right, OK... 1,000 ain't even that much money
these days, really, you know, when you think about it. So...
Look, man, all right, I bought it yesterday, yeah,
and I remember you, because you've got a very good face for memorising.
I bought it from you, and you were chuffed to sell it.
There's a Pop Tart in the CD drawer.
Clean it. I'll pay for that bit. So, you know, sell it on.
We can't sell it on.
Yeah, so if you clean it?
We're not going to clean it.
I will and bring it back tomorrow.
It's soiled, it's unsellable.
Whatever you do now, we can't take it back.
I'll clean it, bring it tomorrow, give it to one of the other people.
No, you won't. I will have told them not to take it back,
because you've wrecked it.
I kept the receipt.
Receipts don't cover Pop Tarts.
I'll tell you how to get rid of your zits.
Oh...
How?
Right.
Piss toilet paper and wipe your face. Works better than Clearasil.
Tried it.
Thank you for calling at Smithson Electrics.
Anything else I can help you with?
Er, no, er, just...
Chris...
Chris, wait up mate, please.
Stop being a fucking pussy.
No.
What?
No.
You know, it says "we buy anything"
just there, so maybe you could buy this.
Get out of my shop!
All right, Chris?
Hey up.
Che! Che!
Loves watching me shit. (COUGHS)
What can I do you for?
How did you get on with that Lithuanian E?
I got some square pills from Albania in.
Retro Eastern Blocs, they're calling them.
Nah, um, um I'm selling, actually.
Fancy a hi-fi?
Nah. Can't shift it, mate.
How about a wheelbarrow?
Oh, aye, I always need another wheelbarrow.
20 the lot.
Done. Cheers.
How d'you want it? Powder, pills or cash?
Cash.
Ten, 15, 20.
Job done.
Fuck it, let's have a look at these pills.
Shit.
Fuck's sake!
See ya later, mate.
Fucking hell, man. You woke me up.
Who are you?
Who the fuck are you? I'm sleeping!
This is my house!
So?
Get off me, man!
Get off me! Ow!
Yeah! Don't know what you're fucking doing thinking you can...
Leave it, man!
What the fuck?
Hey, buddy, hello?
You all right, me babba? That was some ride.
Look, I think you should go.
No, not up the fucking stairs, what you doing, man? Come on.
Let's create harmony? I was only sleeping in your bath.
I've never met you, all right.
You've met me now.
Yes, but it's my house!
All right, so just fuck off!
Cheers, then.
Right, now let me back in.
You're a very hostile bloke.
Let! Me! Back! In!
aggressive young man.
I think you've got issues.
Ow! Big issues.
You need to take a chill pill, mate. You need to chill out.
Let me back in.
Listen, take a while. Calm down.
Maybe take a day or two, and then we'll talk about it.
It's my fucking house!
I don't make the rules, man. I don't make the rules.
So, um, what are you going to do?
Yeah.
There's only one thing you can't do, Chris, and that's stay like you are.
You got no money, basically no house, you can't just...
Look, I've fucked up, I know. I fucked up.
No, you haven't.
You just...
Angie, do you reckon we...
DOOR OPENS
Hey Chris, trousers! How good are we?
Don't tell him.
Everyone's talking about some naked guy who just walked through school.
People are trying to work out whether you've made a political statement.
This top any good?
I think you'll like it.
I didn't think anyone would notice.
Yeah. Maybe a few did.
Pull yourself together. Christ, you need a mum, you big baby.
Tony!
Fucking hell, he's not pathetic. You can take a joke, can't you?
Look, you try it, OK?
No Mum, no Dad, on your own.
Sounds brilliant to me.
I've got... I've got a Dad.
(RINGS BELL)
There's no-one in.
You'll be fine, Chris, OK?
Chris?
Chris! What a...
What a lovely surprise!
Look, we weren't planning on...
Hi, I'm Jal.
Jal, I'm Mary.
Won't you come in?
Your dad'll be back soon. But I can give him a ring anyway, shall I?
What, he's not here? We could come back ano...
Wonderful!
Wonderful.
And this is little Sammy.
Do you want to come and say hello, Chris?
Er, no, I'll, um,
leave him to sleep.
Well...
SQUEAK!
Ooh!
How's your mum, Chris?
Actually, that's the reason...
Yeah, she's getting better.
Oh, no!
She hasn't had another turn?
Um, no. Not really. She's fine.
Good. Well, send her my best.
Why don't we look for some baby photos of Chris? That could be fun.
Graham labels them by year.
I'm trying to encourage him to label by mood, but...
You won't find any of me.
Worried we might find something embarrassing?
Ooh...
Ah, bingo!
Look, he's even sweeter than Sammy.
I don't think I'm supposed to say that as a mum, but you are!
Have a look at him!
You do look quite cute.
That's not me.
It is.
No, it's not. It's Peter.
Oh.
Well, we can still say he looks sweet, can't we?
Who's Peter?
Um, he's my brother.
Your brother?
Graham!
I'm going for a shower.
for the last half hour!
he's your son.
I'm taking a shower.
SQUEAK!
Everything's fine, he's just got a couple of calls to make.
He's calmed down. You look nice together, Chris.
Just wants to suckle on something, probably.
Give me your finger.
BABY GRIZZLES
BABY QUIETENS
THUMP!
BABY CRIES
Come on, Sammy. Come on.
Listen. His mum has...
Does he want money?
No. He doesn't.
Chris!
You OK?
(FLICKS LIGHTER)
I could never do them knots at Cubs, you know, and they said,
"Ah, he's not got the fingers for it," or whatever.
But look what my fucking fingers can do now, eh?
Hey, do you... do you wanna hear about the best day of my life?
Cubs.
I'd pissed myself by accident.
They'd had us sitting down for ages and, um, I was trying...
trying to get out like to leave the room, but this little kid kept blocking me,
stopping me leaving, he was playing a game or something and, um...
So I told him, right, that he was a dickhead,
and that he's gonna get out of my way, right dickhead,
and then the whole place went quiet cos I'd said "dickhead".
And then they was all laughing, everyone, and I couldn't work out
if it was cos I'd swore or if they'd seen that my shorts were wet,
so I tried to cover my shorts with my hands, right, but that meant
they all definitely noticed and then there was more laughing.
But yeah, Peter,
my brother, he was, um,
he was youngest-ever sixer or something.
They're the ones in charge, sixers.
Dib-dib-dib.
He could do all the knots, him.
Him and Dad would practise.
Loved it.
Anyway, he stands up, yeah, sixer,
and, um, and they all liked him,
and, um,
he takes my hand,
and took me to the toilet.
And then he had me take my shorts off, and then he cleaned me up.
And then he took off his shorts and put them on me.
And then...
he kissed me on the cheek,
and took my hand,
and we both went out there.
Him just in his pants.
No-one laughed.
Best day of my life.
Look, don't, um, don't tell the others, yeah, about...
No, I won't.
Do you know what you're gonna do?
What, me?
No, I...
You think your mum's gonna come back?
Not if she's still around.
How do you know?
She left flowers by the grave again.
Every time you see a nipple,
a buttcrack or a camel toe, you have to drink one shot down in one, yeah?
What's a camel toe?
Tony?
It's when it bunches around the...
.. crack.
It's a minge thing.
You got slow play on this thing, Michelle?
What? Slow play?
There!
A nipple, I saw a nipple.
Concealed or free?
If concealed counts we're gonna be drinking a lot.
It can be concealed and visible. Just ask Jal.
What?
When you're wearing that red top.
Will someone rewind the tape, so we can all see the nipple
and drink, please?
Where's the controls?
Sid.
Oh, sorry, just gotta...
You better not be going for a wank.
Where's the fucking controls?
Gimme the remote.
I think we should go on a date.
What, us?
We don't have to have...
O... K.
Er... yeah.
That was a nipple!
You know what? I don't fucking care.
Apparently there was a teacher in here last. He might not have collected all his things.
If you find anything, just put them in the corner, OK?
Yeah.
I... They told me
to tell you that although this isn't a classroom
or anything, this is still college property.
So if you do any damage or...
Well, it will...
They could kick you out of school.
OK.
I'm sorry, it's just... They said to say.
No, it's OK, I don't mind.
I...
Your friends said you like fish.
And I wanted to give you
a room-warming.
That for me?
They didn't have any bowls left in the store.
I just wanted to give you something.
Wish you luck.
Yeah.
I should go.
OK. Sorry.
Right.
Bye.
♪ SPIRITUALIZED: Do It All Over Again
♪ Got to hope for the best and the best looks good, now, baby
♪ And I don't think a few words of sympathy
♪ Are gonna make your world go round
♪ I'm sitting here looking at the TV
♪ And burning holes in everything that I get
♪ You'd better come right down and do it all over again
♪ I love you like I love the sun in the morning
♪ But I don't think a few words of mine
♪ Are gonna make you change your mind
♪ I'm gonna spend the day in bed
♪ And I'm planning on sleeping my life away
♪ You'd better come right down and do it all over again
♪ You'd better come right down and do it all over again... ♪
A lack of concentration...
Inability to focus...
I just wanted to remind you of out date tonight.
Oh!
Nada commitment.
Fuck it! Be bad.
You have failed the entire year.
Fucking hell!
The universe is unpredictable. That's why it's so much fun.
Let's change and develop.
♪ You gotta hope for the best and the best looks great, now, baby
♪ And I don't think a few words of mine
♪ Are gonna make your world go round
♪ I'm sitting here looking at the TV
♪ And burning holes in everything that I get
♪ You'd better come right down and do it all over again... ♪