Edited at https://subtitletools.com
Contains strong language from the start, violence, drug use, nudity and scenes of a sexual nature.
I'll kill you, you flat-chested, cocksucking, spastic horsefucker!
Whoa. Good swearing.
I'm trying to pray to my God, Cass.
Is he listening?
Hope not, otherwise he knows about all the pills I necked last night.
Me and 'Chelle are on a break.
But she's your girlfriend.
Who you love. What?
Change. It's a wonderful thing.
I was out.
Who with?
Michelle. Michelle?
I've been a bit silly.
What have they done to her?
Pumped her stomach.
What?
Why have you chose to start caring about her now?
It's a bit fucking late.
CHIME
Ladies and gentlemen, the seatbelt light has been switched off.
You are now free to move around the cabin.
We've reached cruising altitude and are flying over the French Alps.
Oh, sorry man.
It's nothing to do with you! It's the vibrations, innit?
Um, yeah.
Fuck off, homo.
You gonna be this horny the whole trip?
Just wait till we get there. Oh, man.
Those Russian peasant babes will do anything
for some Levis and a Big Mac!
OK, everyone. Listen up.
Right, I want you all to remember that this is not a holiday, OK?
This is your chance to nail your module one history coursework -
post-Soviet Industrial Russia.
It's a chance of a lifetime, gang.
Whoopee(!)
Now, this isn't just education, yeah? It's total education.
Total piss up.
LAUGHTER
Uh, no, no, no, no. There'll be no "Piss up", OK?
We're gonna work hard, understanding the culture and history
of Mokshovkov in the Mordovian Republic of the Russian Federation.
OK? We're gonna see the real Russia, yeah?
The wild and desolate land that Napoleon and Hitler failed to tame.
This is adventure, yeah? This is living, breathing history.
Who's with me?
Thank you, sir. I was addressing history students only.
This trip is gonna blow their minds, and yours.
Great.
Oi, An, An. Where'd you hide the drugs, then?
I thought you were bringing them.
No. You were gonna put 'em in your turban.
I don't wear a turban, Chris.
I thought you were gonna get one especially!
Don't panic boys. We've got a back-up plan.
Urgh, not up his arse?
(JAL) Christ.
(MICHELLE) Jeez.
MAGNETIC HUMMING
HUMMING
Thanks.
ALARM
(SOLDIER SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN)
What's happening?
SHOUTING
They think he's a fucking terrorist?
Where they gonna take me?
(ANGIE) Do something.
Right, OK. Leave it to me.
Tom, maybe I should...
No, no, no. I'm trip leader.
If anyone's gonna be anally searched, it should be me.
Trip leader. Let me through.
Get the fuck off me!
No, sorry, sorry. Listen, listen! That boy is in my charge
and I can give you my personal guarantee that...
Ah.
Oh, I see. OK.
No, no, no. I've given you everything.
Ahh! There's nothing fucking up there!
No, no, no. OK, OK, OK.
That's totally stereotyping. You gonna let them get away with it?
Now what?
Just walk on.
I'm trying, they just look so disappointed I'm not a terrorist.
Well, you're a very dull Muslim, Anwar. Very dull indeed.
ROAR OF AEROPLANE ENGINES
Excuse me.
Uh, hello, excuse me.
Hello, hi. Uh, we're looking for our bus.
Um, we had an arrangement, uh, for a bus to, uh, Mokshokov.
Mokshokov?
Um... How can I put this? Um...
We ordered a bus.
Ahh!
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
(REPLIES IN RUSSIAN)
Ugh. Bet you never thought you'd be doing this last week, eh?
No.
Fucking hell. This place better be good.
My hair is destroyed. I need a shower and a decent hairdryer.
Oh, great, Tom. We're staying in a fucking prison.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
This trip is all about understanding other people's culture.
Hello!
Dobry den.
Ya, Tom Barkley. And you are..
Irene Kovskaya. Translator.
Come! I lock you in!
WOLF HOWLS
OK, it's two to a room.
So pair up, people!
Raas! Russia is big, bruv - Me's gonna be hyped up.
No, it's same sex only, I'm afraid. So rearrange yourselves, yep.
DISAPPOINTED GROANS
Spoilsport.
Come, come.
And we are going to be roomies, I'm afraid.
What?
Yeah. Budget couldn't stretch to single lodgings so...
We'll make ourselves comfy, yeah?
Yeah?
I pushed and pushed but still nothing.
What the fuck are we gonna do here without any drugs? Look it it.
Don't blame me if I've got guts of steel.
Dunno why you came anyway.
You don't even do History.
I thought it would be uplifting.
Let me have a go.
Cheers, man.
Magic fingers.
What the fuck?
What?
"Bad mood - comfy jim jams"?
What? You try arguing with a 45-year-old Pakistani woman then.
Did she pack you these as well?
No, but she packed me this.
Seriously impressive, man.
Must have taken ages.
You can have it if you want.
Cheers.
Dinner.
Wank or tell group?
Ah, tell group!
Guys, guys!
I've seen boobs! A girl with boobs!
God, that's pathetic, Anwar.
No. You wanna see this though! She's got a big chopper as well.
Oh, my God!
I wanna see that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, what about your dinner?
You don't wanna look at the girl with the boobs?
Nah. I prefer Welsh women.
She was there a second ago. She was there.
She'll come back. She was just there, I promise!
Tell us when the Spice Girls turn up, too, yeah?
Piss off.
She was there. She had boobs.
Yeah, whatever, man.
What you doing?
Looking for your "Sexy Saturday Night Leopard Skin Thong."
We're going out on the pull.
Make sure you don't bring anyone back.
We are sharing a room Max, yeah.
I don't wanna have to pretend to be asleep while you're doing whatever you do with some big Cossack guy.
Maybe you can tempt your big-boobed peasant girl in here.
Have a bit of party, you know?
Seriously, I don't wanna have to be stuck around watching you do a guy.
Can I bring a girl back?
I could, couldn't I? You're shit, Anwar!
Have you ever tried being with a girl?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Well, have you?
Well, have you ever tried being with a man?
No! Don't be sick.
You calling me sick?
No!
I dunno what I think, yeah.
I'm just a Muslim.
Gay's... just wrong.
Then you don't want anything to do with me.
All right, Max? No.
Why?
Well, Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.
What, like, more Muslim than he was already?
A bit more Muslim, yeah.
Oh.
So I need to sleep in here, OK?
Fine. Sid'll swap. You don't mind, do you mate?
No, it's cool.
Maybe take your bag, too?
Thanks.
What happened?
He's just, like, switched about me being... You know.
Blonde?
No!
Short? Gay!
Shall I give you head?
What?
It'll cheer you up.
For fuck's sake.
You're supposed to be a friend, and I've come here with a problem.
You fuck!
We're in Russia. I wanna try something new!
I'm not a hobby, Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here!
I've been canoeing.
Well, what about Michelle?
Loves canoeing.
Tony!
Fine.
What you doing?
I'm gonna get an early night. Coming to bed?
Hey, Max. Can you give me and Tony some time alone, please?
No. Yeah, Sure. Sorry.
KNOCK AT DOOR
It's Chris.
Can't sleep.
Well, have you got a book?
Why would I have a book?
But we don't need books for your sort of thing, do ya?
Psychology. It's all in your head, innit!
my reverse-psychology.
No.
Fine. I'll go away then.
All right.
Very clever.
So, what do you want?
Just wanted to see you.
OK.
And, er, maybe a goodnight kiss.
Wait a minute!
(Shit!
(Hide!)
OK. Come on in.
Tom. You're staring.
Was I?
Tom!
Sorry.
Well, I'll be over there.
If you need me.
(Oh, God.)
You OK?
Yes, um...
I'm sweet as a nut.
I bet you are.
Tom, what are you doing?
Squat thrusts.
97, 96,
95, 94, 93, 92,
91, 90...
Oh, my God.
Sid! Quick!
Still nothing...
She's back! In a bra and pants!
What? Pretend Spice?
You know sometimes, people wanna see something so badly
they actually start to imagine they have seen something?
OWL HOOTS
SNORING >
(SNORES)
LOUD CLANGING
Wakey-wakey!
Hour for cleansing.
Girls first clean, then boys clean!
There is no fucking way I am doing that!
All right, Max? Man, Sid's farting last night was rough.
Just take it back.
Take back what you said.
See you.
WATER GUSHES > Shit!
SHOUTING
It's an experience. Come on.
Come on.
Where's your shampoo? Where's your shampoo?
Much water for your dirty face. >
It doesn't bloody wash off!
Okey-dokey, karaoke. Folks, listen up.
Listen up!
This way, please.
Now, there's been a few problems.
But are we gonna let it get us down?
No. So.
Let the education begin.
MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)
Horse come in.
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)
We break legs.
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)
Then crush.
Add water.
Boil, then glue.
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)
CLIP-CLOPPING HOOVES, SNORTING
OMINOUS BUBBLING
Raas! My Little Pony get whacked up big-time. Na wha' I'm sayin!
CLANKING MACHINERY
HISSING AND GURGLING
CREAKING
SHLOP!
Tom.
Yeah, all right. All right. Like I said.
This is the real world, yeah?
Real things happen.
Deal with it. Come on.
That's absolute crap, Tom. >
I thought on this trip, we could explore.
You know...
Explore each other?
Tom...
Fuck off!
Come on. Why do you think I brought you on this trip?
You're totally, totally out of order.
Oh, yeah and maybe you are frigid.
Yeah? Um.
Well, fuck you, Tom!
Yeah.
Jesus Chris! What are you doing?
He can't talk to you like that.
I'm gonna get the fucking twat.
It's fine. It's fine!
What am I doing?
DOOR SLAMS
Come on... Why not? >
It won't take long. >
I'll be good, I promise.
No.
Why? You've done everyone else. Georgie, Chris, Sid.
How do you know?
I've seen. I heard about the one with Kenneth and his mum.
Now, draw me.
Just stop it.
Stop it!
Come on, man, I'm inspirational.
Just stop it, yeah!
You're a fucking idiot.
You've got a best friend who thinks you're a perv, yeah,
and you drew him, but you won't do me?
I'll give you head, that's friendship.
The packet says that these tablets will totally flush you out
within 24 hours, cos believe me, Sid, we need those drugs.
There's no drugs, Muslim boy!
Cheers, Max.
You fucking prick.
I can't believe you're putting that Muslim bullshit on me!
What?
I'm against God? You're the fucking worst Muslim!
I pray five times a day.
For what? Pork chops? Fuck it. Let's get a drink.
Allah wants you doing Class A's from Sid's arse!
You're talking about my religion!
How was I ever friends with a fucking hypocrite?
Happy fucking Ramadan.
It's not Ramadan!
Hey!
Whoa, easy man!
What fucking else?
My house! No break, no break!
I'm sorry... Sorry.
OK.
Neil Diamond?
Yeah.
Neil Diamond.
Come.
So, why are you with Tony?
He's exciting. And he must love me cos he could have anyone he wants.
Do you think he ever wants anyone else?
Maybe sometimes. He always wants me the most.
I'm his girlfriend and that's special, isn't it?
Yeah. I suppose. Listen I need to talk to you about him.
Look, I know I annoy you, Jal.
I don't mean to.
Can we get out of here, please? Just you and me?
Sure.
Shit.
Sid. Sid!
Her dad's turned up and he's shouting.
It's like abuse, man.
Oh, so there's a dad now, is there?
SHOUTING CONTINUES
(SID) Fuck.
Fuck me. She's real.
He's gonna hurt her. We've gotta help!
What are we gonna do?
An, he's going. Her dad's going.
Come on!
Where are you going?
Nowhere. Where are you going?
Nowhere.
You sure you're not going anywhere?
Yep.
Guys? You going somewhere?
No!
Bye, then.
Neil Diamond.
Sit down, sit down! >
♪ Hello again
♪ Hello... ♪
What is problem?
You won't understand. I mean, you can't even speak English.
No problem!
Vodka!
Now, you tell me problem.
We drink and problem kaput, da?
OK.
Na zdorovje!
♪ .. About you every night
♪ When I'm here alone
♪ And you're there at home... ♪
Chris, this was a one-off.
I don't have sex with my 17-year-old students.
How old are they normally?
What are we gonna do about Maxxie?
What? You should hear what he gets up to.
I'm serious, Chris!
OK, I'll have a word.
And you do know this can never,
ever happen again, don't you?
Yeah.
OK. So the plan is?
We get in, rescue her, get out.
Sid's a big hero. Anwar gets his marbles gargled.
Simple.
♪ She said
♪ Run run run run run run
♪ You cannot run or ever hide it away
♪ Run run run run run run
♪ Something glorious is about to happen
♪ Run run run run run run
♪ The reckoning... ♪
Hello!
Helloski!
Hey!
Hello!
DOOR CLOSES >
Anka! >
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN
Sshhhh!
We're gonna get you out of here.
Keep quiet. Shhhh.
Sid.
Shhh!
Tie this to the bed. Hurry up, he's gonna come back. Come on.
Come on, come on, slowly.
Go.
No, no.
Trust me, yeah. Go.
(SHE OBJECTS IN RUSSIAN)
He's gonna get you, go.
Come on, come on.
Trust me.
Sid, keep watch!
Agh!
SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN
PHONE RINGS
SPEAKING ON PHONE IN RUSSIAN >
Every time. Every fucking time.
Buy two ounces of weed, Sidney. Oh, yes, sir!
Shove a bag of pills up your arse, Sidney. Oh, right away!
Come help me save some random bint. Oh, could I?
What have we learnt, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.
(Fuck.)
Ahhhhhhh!
♪ Play it cool, boy
♪ Play it cool... ♪
Great.
Ummm...
me...
name...
Anwar.
Me... name... Anka.
If only you knew the things I'd love to do to you.
Rub my fingers through your hair.
Kiss your lips.
Kiss your neck.
Cum on your tits.
Sounds like fun.
You speak English?
Ya hah!
I learnt from like so the best American show ever.
How you doin'?
I'm like... horny.
BOTH GIGGLE
Come on, this'll do.
This is awful. Let's go.
J, I've never left a bar without being chatted up in my life,
not about to break that record now.
There's nobody in here!
If you flaunt it they'll come.
Unbelievable.
Flaunt it, J.
Can you be any harder?
Nope.
Friends?
Friends!
Anwar's a fucking liar. Lies to his Mum all the fucking time.
No, no, no, fuck that. He makes me lie for him.
Who's Anwar?
Friend.
Who's homo?
Me! Anwar hates me cause I'm a fucking homo.
Anwar hate homo?
Yeah.
Anwar is friend?
Yeah.
So, Anwar has problem. No, Maxxie. Valentina help Maxxie?
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Maxxie help Valentina?
Of course.
You want me to draw you?
OK.
Urgh.
♪ Kalinka, malinka, kalinka maya
♪ Kalinka, malinka, malinka maya
♪ Kalinka, malinka, malinka maya! ♪
Three comdomski down, nineteen to go.
Did you draw this?
No,
he did.
He must be a good friend.
He'll be there for you when the rain starts to fall.
Maybe not. He's pretty angry with me.
Why?
Cos I told the truth. And that's important.
But, what about you? You've got bigger problems than me.
Anka, you can't go home back to him.
You should come home with me, I'll look after you.
Anwar, don't lie to me, it's not possible.
It is! Just, look...
We can live together in my house. I'll look after you.
There may be one or two little hiccups with the parents,
but I'm sure it'll be fine.
GIGGLING >
GIGGLING AND MURMURING
Guys! Guys! Sporty Spice has finally arrived.
Anwar's in there with a bloody Russian girl!
Tony, man, shhh!
What? Don't act like you don't want everyone to see.
She's fit though, ain't she?
Yo, yo, homies, what's happening?
Yeah, she is fit. You must have paid for her.
Yeah, Anwar, you pimp.
Aye, what's poppin', baby love?
Oi!
Perhaps she wants a taste of the Kenneth.
Right, not to be boring old teacher, yeah.
I mean it's all gravy with me, you know, but...
Sid!
You'd not believe what I've just been through.
I jumped out of a window,
got chased into a bush, waded through a river,
all the while being chased by your nutter of a dad.
But, it's OK though, cos I reckon I lost him.
(SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN)
(SHRIEKS)
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)
Eurgh. Why's she kissing her Dad?
Anka?
He's my husband.
Your husband?
We were on a break.
COCKS GUN
I'm sorry! I didn't know!
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)
Leave him alone. Leave him alone.
(COCKS GUN)
Oh, my giddy aunt! Can we be sensible about this?
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)
Stop it now! That's enough, Maxxie. Now.
Can we talk? Can we talk?
Niet!
GUNS CLICK
GUN THUDS
SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN
Honestly, we leave you alone two hours.
And look what happens?
Um...
He totally like wants to know who's the leader here.
Yes, yes, Officer, yes. Um, Officer.
I wanted to thank you, erm, because before you arrived
I was about to step in and kick some arse.
There's a charge for armed response.
Wh... What?
It's like, you so totally will have to pay them.
RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYS
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
You English big hooligan problem.
Tomorrow you leave Russia.
Hey. You OK?
Man... you tried to save me.
Yeah. Well, I am fucking drunk.
You were right, Max.
I am a hypocrite.
Go on.
No. I can't.
It's not right.
It's religion, Anwar. It's just stuff.
You don't have to believe in it.
Then where does that leave me, Max?
I'm a Muslim boy.
I don't get to choose.
But where does that leave us?
Fucking hell.
I lost my virginity tonight.
Let's get us an old fat lady.
Last drop?
OK.
I'll see you, mate. (SNIFFS)
DOOR OPENS
Hey, it's He-Man.
Shut up.
Poor girl's totally out of it. She's completely wasted.
Tony, you've got to stop fucking around.
I dare you.
Tony.
We've finally found something you're not good at.
What?
Good night, Tony.
I'll find somewhere else to sleep.
What?
Oh, God.
Problem?
Tom, just shut up.
Hey, Cassie. That's good.
Ta. >
She really looks...
You made her look beautiful.
She is beautiful.
Tony.
Yes, Nips?
Have you got something to tell me?
Erm... I dunno.
I like your hair.
No. Your top's nice.
I love you? Any of those?
No.
Ahh. Oh, hang on. >
I think it's...
I think I'm about to deliver!
Great. Just in time for Heathrow security.
Huh?
Yeah. I hear they're very strict.
Better keep it up there.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. (EXHALES)
LAUGHTER
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
Fuck all ever happens here. You've gotta improvise.
No matter who you hurt.
I'm in love with...
Sit down!
I was just wondering how many times you fucked my boyfriend?
You absolute bitch!
You want to stroke my pussy?
You have an unfeasibly large cock.
Yep.
You're lovely.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd