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Have you tried being with a girl?
Have you tried being with a man?
Don't be sick. Calling me sick?
What do you want?
Just wanted to see you and, er, maybe a good night kiss...
I don't know what I think, yeah. I'm just a Muslim. Gay's... just wrong.
You don't want anything to do with me?
Contains strong language from the start, violence, drug use, nudity and scenes of a sexual nature.
What have you done to her?
Stop fucking around.
What am I doing?
Hey, Cassie. You made her look beautiful.
She is beautiful.
Have you got something to tell me?
I like your hair? Your top's nice?
I love you? Any of those?
Yes, Cocker, that's mine. My turn.
Chelle, hi. You OK?
You dirty fucker! I never want to see your tiny twatty cock ever again.
What's up, Nips?
Hey, hey, come on, Chelle.
I was waiting for you tell me. Time's up, you wanker!
Jesus, what have you done this time?
Sid?
I dunno.
Oh, Christ's sake.
I must say, she is a fiery one.
Tone, shouldn't you, you know, go after her?
She'll come back.
Michelle! >
Chelle, what happened? >
Never mind!
"Never mind"?
Did he screw someone again?
Again?
I tried to tell you, Chelle.
About who?
But you never wanna hear it.
About who for Christ's sakes?
Jenny, Maggs, Kelly, White Justine, Black Justine,
buck teeth from the geography trip, posh kid from the choir...
Abigail?
Abigail Stock.
He promised he hadn't. Why didn't you tell me?
You're supposed to be my friend.
Chelle, I tried. I didn't wanna...
It's just Tony, right?
Did you do him?
What? Don't be stupid, Michelle.
I bet you wanted to fuck him.
Cheers, Jal. That's what friends are for, yeah(?)
Whatever, Chelle.
Chelle?
Go away.
Please don't tell anyone. Everyone will think...
Think what, Max?
That you're a dirty little slut who fucks around with other people's boyfriends?
I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. He just... It was nothing.
Can't we just pretend it didn't happen? Yeah?
Go away.
MOBILE RINGS
Hi.
You mustn't call me, OK?
Yes, that was lovely,
but we just can't.
You want to what?
Oh...
Oh, God.
You're not even going to see that again, never mind lick it!
Now listen to me, OK? It's over.
Over and...
Oh, Christ!
Drink?
No! God, Michelle.
Who were you talking to?
Nobody.
I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, um...
I feel better.
Good.
You going to tell me what's happened?
Possibly Tony?
(SOBS)
(SIGHS) Listen, I'm sure you can work it out.
Oh, God, I love him so much.
And I made him go away.
MOBILE RINGS
Look... He's so lovely.
Speak to him. Always best to talk.
Yeah?
Yeah. Communication, that's the key.
ANOTHER MOBILE RINGS
Fuck off, you wanker!
No, you listen to me, tosser!
Leave me alone. Leave me alone!
For the last time, fucking leave me alone!
Shall I, er, drive you home?
Thanks.
Bloody hell.
I know who that was.
Who?
On the phone.
It was Chris, wasn't it?
Of course not.
Why on Earth would Chris ring me?
Angie. Angie! >
Look, I know you're here. Your car's in the car park. >
You want me, Angie!
Oh, fuck!
I don't see why you couldn't catch the bus home.
Cash outage. It's not my fault the student residences are miles away.
Anyway I wanted to see you and...
Shut up, Chris, OK?
Michelle doesn't mind. She's got her own problems, ain't you, Chelle?
Shut up, Chris. OK?
OK.
Cheers, Angie. I'm really grateful... For the hockey kit and everything.
So am I.
(BOTH) Shut it!
Yours?
It's all right, you know.
It's not all right.
I know you want me.
I don't want you.
It makes perfect sense.
None of this makes sense. I'm your fucking psychology teacher, OK?
It was a mistake and I'm not doing it again!
'Chelle. 'Chelle!
Hey, Nips!
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief.
Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit? >
Sidney?
She thinks you're a tit.
She doesn't think I'm a tit.
Why do you pull all this shit, Tone?
Look around, Sidney.
Fuck all ever happens in this shitty little town. You gotta improvise.
No matter who you hurt?
So I messed around with Maxxie a bit.
So what? He was bored, I was bored,
Michelle was bored, and now we're not.
And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.
You sure?
Don't be such a dildo, Sid.
Course she will.
It is my lady! O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing.
What of that? Her eye discourses, I will answer it.
Sid?
You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it!
(SLURPS)
What?
Babe, she's doing it again.
Michelle, don't look at Malcolm in a funny way when he's eating.
Does he have to make that noise?
I'm only eating, for Christ sakes.
He's only eating.
(SLURPS) Babes, I got that delivery coming today.
You said you'd lend me the dosh.
Oh, yeah. >
Er, why are you giving him money?
Sweetheart, we're married.
We all want Malcolm's new venture to be a success, don't we?
Cheers, babe.
Why are you being so horrible?
Why do you care?
I do care, >
but in an "I'm already late for work" kind of way.
So come on, make it snappy.
I dumped Tony.
Oh, right. What for?
He went down on a boy in my history class while I was watching.
Right. Well, you know, say you're sorry or something. I don't know.
And try and be nice to Malcolm. Anyway, what are you doing today?
I thought I'd lounge around the house in my underwear.
Great, OK.
Look, please be nice to Malcolm.
I love him. He's my husband.
Try and be happy for me.
Jesus!
A psychology teacher can do that?
Yes, she can. But look, we gotta keep it under wraps, yeah?
Hmm. Yeah.
She got you good, Tone.
That wasn't Michelle. This was.
Hey, Nips.
People have got issues.
If anyone else wants to take a pop, then please, go for it now.
Better out than in.
Sidney, are you gonna tell me what's going on?
It's like a fucking episode of The OC.
Nothing. Just leave it, OK?
Right, everyone. Um...
Yeah.
Um...
that scarf thing?
It's a bit drafty today.
Anyway, who's presenting?
It's me.
OK, well, get on with it.
The role of sex in power relationships.
I asked you to write that?
Yeah.
Power is the single most important force in the universe.
Money and looks mean nothing except for the power they give us.
The second most important is sex.
So sex plus power equals fun.
Whatever you did that Michelle's too upset to talk about,
I hope you're ashamed of yourself.
It was all my fault.
I got off with Tony on the Russia trip.
I only did it because I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays,
so I got upset, and Tony said he'd give me head, to cheer me up,
you know, and I didn't mean anything, but I lost my head
and then he gave me head, and then we got deported from Russia.
And I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, OK?
Right, well...
Anyone else wanna get something off their chest?
I'm in love with...
Sit down!
Hi, Abi.
Michelle.
How, uh, safe to see you.
Isn't it?
Can I ask you something?
Yah?
OK. I was just wondering how many times you fucked my boyfriend?
Oh, Abi, you didn't!
Very, very rude of you, yah? It's just horrid!
Don't worry, he fucks everyone...
including boys, so you've got that in common.
Oh, you absolute bitch!
Hey, hey, hey! Easy Abi, easy.
God, I didn't! I mean, I just wouldn't.
That's terrible.
I wouldn't go there, mate. Don't know what she's picked up.
Know what I mean?
It's the absolute limit!
Let go of me! I want to shit her, the fucking bitch cow whore!
Perhaps you should go. I'm Josh, by the way, Abigail's brother.
Sweet. OK, well, bye, girls. Bye, Abi.
♪ Three little maids from school are we... ♪
Let me go! I want to tear her tits off!
Let go of me!
Wow.
Come here, you curly haired tart!
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Come back! Come back!
♪ But I'm no fool
♪ My heart's just exposed
♪ I'm just weathering the flows
♪ And you're not the man I thought
♪ I suppose
♪ You leave me tender to the blues
♪ To the blues... ♪
How long are you gonna keep this up for?
You know what?
I never realised how fucking knackering it is to know you, Tone.
It's fun, though.
You think?
Anyway, what do you want?
You know what? Tell me you love me.
You know I love you, Nips.
No! Tell me like you'd die for me,
like nothing else matters, like your world stops turning because of me.
Like you mean it, you little shit. Go on.
I mean, come on.
Wrong answer, Tony.
Fuck off. I'm busy.
♪ I do believe our love's in danger
♪ I might as well be loving air
♪ You look at me like I'm a stranger
♪ You look at me like I'm not there
♪ I gaze into your eyes of blue
♪ But their beauty... ♪
'Hi, this is Cass. Don't bother leaving a message
'because I'm not listening.'
♪ You're dreaming of the one you really love... ♪
DOORBELL
♪ You're dreaming of... ♪
Hi.
You love me, right?
You really love me.
Yeah...
How much?
A lot.
That'll do.
Wait. What are we...?
It's now, Sid.
It's now, OK?
You go.
No, you.
You.
Why not you?
Michelle... Michelle... My glasses.
Um...
are we gonna practice safe sex?
All in good time.
Stand by for lift off.
Sid?
I think I can honestly say that that has never happened before.
Bugger.
Come on, grab my tits.
Grab them!
Yeah?
I dunno, 'Chelle.
I'll take it off.
Michelle...
It's got a funny clip.
'Chelle!
I've dreamt of this twice a night
for the past eight years, to be exact,
and three times on birthdays.
Wow.
Was I good?
Oh, yeah, yeah. But this feels funny, you know.
My tits feel funny?
No! No. You've got a lovely handful.
But the thing is, you're Michelle.
My friend Michelle.
Do you fancy someone else?
I think I do.
But we're OK, yeah?
Because this isn't right when you're missing someone too.
(SOBS)
Have you got a razor I could borrow?
It's OK, Dad. Michelle's just a bit upset.
Finally!
Liz? Yeah.
Hey, listen. It's conclusive! He's not gay!
Should have rung, but she doesn't answer. Let's go.
Just because you made someone try to kill herself
doesn't mean she won't be glad to see you.
You reckon?
That's it, we're going.
For Christ's sake! Come on.
Wow!
Jesus. What are they all doing?
They're trying to be happy, Sid.
It isn't easy.
No.
Can you see her?
Let's mingle.
Just be inconspicuous.
Whoa!
Cass...
Oh, wow. Hi. What a lovely surprise.
Hey, Cass.
How are you doing?
I'm so cool. But we're not supposed to have visitors during happy time.
We won't be long. Sid wants to say something.
Lovely.
I'll leave you to it.
You want to stroke my pussy?
Um...
Isn't he lovely?
There were four, but they won't let Gerard look after them any more.
Um, Cass...
I'm sorry you tried to kill yourself because of me.
Oh, that's OK, Sid.
I realised something. >
I've been an idiot.
Yes.
And I was hoping maybe you'd give me another chance?
Oh, wow, Sid!
Cool. You're so lovely. Wow!
Great.
If I wasn't going out with Simon, that would be amazing.
Simon?
That's me.
We've got so much in common.
Depression, self-loathing.
He knows we can't have a physical thing, I don't do that now.
I'm still hoping you'll change your mind.
I won't. So, you see, it's all so exciting.
He wants me. And he can never have me.
I'm hopeful.
It's just perfect. Isn't it?
I could get to like this.
I find it rather cool for Kenya this time of year.
OK.
OK, Marjorie, ready?
Quite. Now, did you have a word with the Prince of Wales?
He simply must stop coming in to my room.
He's a frightful cad and, well, I'm old enough to be his mother.
Ha.
Hi.
Um, what are you doing here?
Er, visiting. What are you doing?
Working for my mum. She kind of owns the place.
I think you might be breaking the rules.
Oh, leave the girl alone. She's tremendous thighs
and deserves a little respect.
You're right, Marjorie. Take your time.
Thank you.
Listen...
Do you fancy a coffee maybe? Tomorrow?
Yeah. Nice.
Mud Dock then. Tomorrow, about midday?
OK.
Goodbye.
Would you have a word with the quartermaster?
I like my antelope preferably fairly well cooked.
I'll see what I can do.
Thank you.
Hello?
What the fuck?
They've sent me too many fucking Bongo Dongo Dogs.
You know Mum meets clients here on a Tuesday?
So? And I've only got two Gerry Giraffes.
Why are you such a wanker, Malcolm?
Eh?
I know you're using her. Spending her money on your fuck-ups.
I can only assume you've got a huge cock,
because there's no other reason she'd waste her time on a tit like you.
Um, what the fuck are these?
That's Bongo Dongo Dog, and this is Gerry Giraffe.
Hey, babe.
I have got clients coming round in eight minutes
to buy into my unique vision of modern furnishings and fabrics.
I thought that we could put a few of them about
and maybe your clients could buy 'em.
You think my clients would decorate their homes with these?
Sure they would, babe. Look at the little expression on his face.
Ah, love it. Ain't they lovely?
Get these fucking fucking fuckers out of my fucking house!
ORNAMENT SMASHES
You bitch. You keep your hands off my stuff.
Tosser. Keep your crap out of my house!
There's nowhere else to put it. Keep your stupid daughter out of my face.
They were so right about you.
Oh, yeah? About what?
You're a useless, lazy tosser.
Fat old slapper.
Fuck you!
Fuck you right back, right up your big, fat, lardy arse!
Goodbye, Malcolm.
Malcolm says you were rude to him. You'll go and say you're sorry.
No!
Go and say you're sorry to my husband!
Right. Go on then.
I'm sorry.
I should never have said you have a big cock.
I now realise I was mistaken.
That's not how it sounds, babe.
I know. Because you do, don't you?
What?
Have an unfeasibly large cock.
Yep.
Well, get it out, Bongo Dongo Boy, cos I'm ready to make up.
She does my head in. He's my third stepdad in seven years.
Twenty-fucking-seven years old.
Jesus, I mean, that's disgusting, right? That's, that's...
I dunno. It's better she's got someone, isn't it?
You think?
God, yeah. Mother hasn't been laid in ten years.
Probably why she's off her trolley.
She's what?
She's completely nuts.
Psychotic basket case.
And she's a...
Child psychiatrist.
It's nice.
What?
Having someone to talk to.
My last boyfriend never really spoke to me.
How's that?
It's hard to explain.
Everything Tony says, you can't
work out whether it's a joke or an insult or...
I dunno.
Sounds like he wore you out.
Yeah.
You really know how to get me talking.
Son of a psychiatrist. Get it every sodding day.
Your mother analyses you?
And the rest.
I'm unstable with neurotic obsessive tendencies. I take them.
It keeps her happy, and keeps me happy too, actually.
God. You're very upfront.
What other way is there to be?
Josh... do you wanna get out of here?
Where to?
A few drinks... I dunno.
Let's go.
Fuck the drinks. Let's go to my place.
Hi, Tony. You're looking so, so fit.
Fit as fuck, ya? Ya?
Hi, Abi.
I heard you dumped that chav girl. That's so safe. Slut.
We just weren't on
the same level intellectually. Not like you and me, eh, Abi?
I am rather brainy.
Yes.
Which was why I was thinking you might be just the right person
to help with my photographic project.
It's a study of the human form.
In-depth, focussed study.
Well, that sounds jolly interesting, Tony.
When were you thinking of starting,
because I'm completely free right now.
Cool. My place?
Safe.
You're lovely.
Am I?
Yeah.
You're clever,
funny, and...
very, very pretty.
Do you think one of my tits is bigger than the other?
What?
Is one...
Never mind.
You really have to take those things?
Yeah, afraid so. Done it for so long.
Mother used to serve them up with breakfast.
I get a bit wobbly otherwise.
I can't believe that.
You should try without.
No.
Um, you wouldn't like me so much.
I think I would.
DOOR SLAMS
Who's that?
I thought everybody was out.
Cheers, mate. I'll get the rest.
Malcolm?
I thought you was at college today.
You know, of all my mum's marriages, I think this has been the shortest.
I don't have to explain this to you.
No, you don't.
Tell her I'm sorry.
I just couldn't hack it, you know?
Yeah, I know.
Something to remember me by.
Careless.
Goodbye, Malcolm.
Bye.
Sorry, mate. Take it easy.
Quite a nice phone, mate.
Cheers, Jonno.
Yeah. Later, Tone.
You're such a gentleman.
I'll ring you.
Maybe just whistle.
What?
You know how to whistle, don't you, Josh?
You put your lips together and...
I'll whistle.
Here's a tenner. Get her home safe, yeah.
MOBILE BEEPS
Stay not, be gone.
Live, and hereafter say,
"A madman's mercy bade thee run away."
(SOBS)
CRYING ON PHONE
What? Who?
'Josh. He sent me pictures of Abigail.
'She's... She's got her tits out for him!
'Why did he do that?'
Who's... Who's Josh?
'Chelle!
'Oh, God! He warned me.
'He's fucking crazy.
'I feel so weird!'
Ah, babes.
You'll be OK.
WOMAN CRYING
I'm fine.
I'm fine... I fucked it all up again!
I'm too loud. Too impatient. Too clever.
You know, what I always forget is, because I'm happy, you know, because
I'm just being me, I can't help it if I'm a funny old cow with a
loud mouth and a big bum!
Your bum's not that big.
You know, I never felt tired around him.
I felt good, really good, and now he's gone, the fucking twat!
And I know he loves me, he's just a scaredy cat.
I'm sorry, Mum.
You know I really, really loved having sex with him!
Hi.
I'm so sorry, 'Chelle.
Come on. Let me see.
Jesus, I didn't know you could get your legs into that position!
He warned me. He told me his family were screwy.
Told me he was, too.
Well, that's pretty screwy! Taking beaver shots of your own sister?
Delete them.
Has he tried to ring you?
About a thousand times.
Don't.
Don't worry.
Drink?
Malcolm.
How you doing?
Not so clever as it goes.
Why's that then, wanker?
I just...
miss the big mouth and the big bum.
She's my mum, Malcolm. Watch your lip!
I always blow it, all right.
I get jumpy.
I just, I wish I could like fucking just...
I'm a wanker.
Does she miss me?
No.
All right.
She fucking misses you.
But you let her down, Malcolm, and that can't happen again.
So decide.
Stay here or get your coat.
Don't you fucking dare go back on it!
Let's go.
I'm staying out here.
Spruce up, man!
OK?
OK.
You're a proper, girl, yeah?
Yeah.
Hello, Nips.
I heard about Pervy Boy.
He really needs to learn how to use a phone. "Send To All".
You gotta be careful with that.
Yeah. You're probably right, Tone.
So... So?
Can we stop this now?
And?
Get back to normal.
Stuff happens. You get over it.
Yeah, but...
Yeah, but. Yeah, but.
'Chelle, you got nasty.
Yeah. What are you doing here?
I came because
it turns out that, as it goes...
..I think I might love you.
That's an awfully long sentence, Tony.
Well, yeah, but... Yeah.
'Chelle!
I said it, OK?
I'm sorry.
Beg.
Sorry?
You heard me, Tone.
OK.
Look, please can we get back?
I won't do any of it again. The cheating and lying...
Undermining. Sneering. Taunting. Manipulating.
OK. Yeah. All of those things.
I promise.
So?
So I'll see you around.
♪ May I never lay your head down
♪ Without a hand to hold
♪ May I never make your bed... ♪
What is so sexy about thighs?
I've heard a lot about you, Effy. Not all of it good.
I'm worried about her.
Get out my fucking way!
Do you want to kiss me, Sid?
♪ Love is a lesson to learn in our time
♪ Please, won't you please, won't you bear it in mind
♪ For me
♪ May I never lay your head down
♪ Without a hand to hold
♪ May I never make your bed out in the cold... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd