Edited at https://subtitletools.com
I met a girl I like today. She's like... beautiful.
Emily Fitch...
Emms, you oughta spruce up, yeah? Get some decent threads like Katie.
Katie Fitch...
Well, here it comes. She tried to snog my sister at middle school.
Naomi Campbell...
People tell lies about me.
Jonah Jeremia Jones...
Prestissimo!
James Cook...
Pandora Moon...
Bonkers!
Elizabeth Stonem...
Maybe we could get to know each other.
Fill in the form. First one to fill it out gets to... get to know me.
Grab my balls...
Grab my balls... Grab my balls... balls.
EXCITED PANTING
Contains very strong language, drug taking, violence and scenes of a sexual nature.
♪ If you like to gamble
♪ I tell you I'm your man
♪ You win some lose some
♪ It's all the same to me
♪ Wah wah wah wah wah
♪ Wah wah wah wah
♪ The pleasure is to play
♪ Makes no difference what you say... ♪
Get on home...
♪ I don't share your greed
♪ The only card I need is
♪ The ace of spades, the ace of spades... ♪
Dude, calm down a bit. It's like five o'clock.
Neighbours hasn't even started yet.
Sorry. Actually, no, not sorry.
I'm so fucking stoked, man.
I'M 17 TODAY!
That's an event horizon, that's a milestone.
Isn't 18 traditionally the age...
Fuck tradition.
Just hope some people turn up.
They'll come.
You invited half the college.
All I know is that it involves my dick getting damp.
What are you looking at, you posh student bastards?
Fuck off back to playgroup.
Fucking wankers, come here. Come here...
Come on, leave it. Forget 'em.
Ah, we're here.
Best pub in the west.
Hello boys.
All right, Christina.
Ay, ay lads, here's the birthday boy.
Did you do all this?
Took me a long time, a good forty, forty five minutes.
Ooh.
You all right?
Touch of pain in the privates, it's the old whore wound.
Nothing I can't handle.
Oh, these are me boys, Freddie, JJ. Boys, this is Uncle Keith.
Hello.
Pull my finger!
HE FARTS
You dirty old bugger!
If you'd be so kind, Christina?
Right you are, big boy.
And when I woke up, the pool was three feet deep in piss.
Mum, I shouted, don't jump in! But it was too late.
So, you and the Buxton Rovers under 21s managed to do that in one night?
Just me, the lads, and a shit load of all-inclusive mild.
And they never pinned it on me.
Plus, you got to remember, this was 1962.
I mean, Pontin's was a fairly permissive place back then.
Bit like Afghanistan in the '70s.
But with the Krankies and slightly more Taliban.
Tell that one where you hit Bob Dylan over the head
with a box of fish fingers.
Another time. I've gotta go and see a man about a dog.
A dog filled with drugs.
See you boys. Oh, happy birthday, Cookie.
That, my friends, is what you call a legend.
To who, exactly?
What?
Who is he a legend to?
Me.
Blokes in pubs. Christina.
People.
I think the guy's crazy.
Exactly man. Exactly.
Same again please, Christina.
Wey!
Look, man. Look at that. Quality totty. That's top shelf shit.
Guys, guys, hey baby...
I'm so happy to introduce you to my legendary night out
in celebration of my birthday.
Apart from you.
But I...
What are you doing here! You burnt my house, man! Get out!
It was an accident. I'm sorry...
What the fuck!
I'm 17 today, so all bets are off. Do what the fuck you like.
Flush your mates down the toilet. Eat grapes off each other.
Smash speakers over your heads.
If partying's a crime, who's gonna get arrested first?
LET'S GO FUCKING MENTAL!
Way hey hey hey hey!
Party people!
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ And so say all of us. ♪
Thanks man, thank you very much.
What's next?
Oh, yeah. More drinks! More drinks!
More drinks! More drinks! More drinks! More drinks! Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah...
He's fun.
You have no idea.
He's already had half a bottle of vodka.
Really? How crazy!
Ha ha ha. Yeah!
Tequila! Who's in?
Yeah... OK.
Anyone else?
Yeah, go on then. Yeah.
Airwolf.
Let's go, man.
Awoo!
Awooooooooo.
Awooooo!
Awooooo.
Hey, Cook. Do you wanna see your birthday trick?
Lay it on me, magic man.
One pint of normal drinking water.
You'll like this one. I've seen it before.
What? He does magic?
Wow!
Shazam, motherfucker!
Cook, what you doing?
That's minging.
(HE BELCHES)
What is wrong with you?
Yes! Come on!
Someone's been drinking...
milkshake?
Strawberry milkshake. Am I right?
Yes. How did you know?
Ah, am I ninja, or am I not a ninja?
Christina, we've had rejection.
We need a bucket, a mop
and 16 shots of tequilaaaaaa!
Oh, great, it's the lesbian come to gay us up.
Shh... I've told you to fucking... Just leave it, ok!
Um. Hi, everyone.
Hi.
Want to know a secret?
What?
I know the cure.
The cure for what?
(It's my cock.)
What the hell are you talking about?
Hey, look what I made.
Cake! Top, man, fucking top!
It's double chocolate chip cookie.
Cheers, girl. Mmmm.
Cake. My cake! Mine!
Mmmm.
Mmm.
Fucking good, man...
Thank you, man.
Uh! (WHISTLES)
You OK?
Yep. Totally cool. Just a bit...
you know, full.
Can't believe you ate the whole thing.
Well, someone had to get this party started.
Party? Do you call this a party?
Where's the conversation?
Where's the dancing? Where are the men?
We're men.
You're boys.
Do you want to measure my dick? It's daddy-sized.
So you lot think this party's shit, yeah?
It's a little bit...
It could be...
It's shit.
Shit.
Something's got to happen, man.
Something big.
Come on, man.
I'm ready! Just tell me when.
Give me a sign!
CLAP OF THUNDER
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Thank you, man...
What?
But where are you, I can't hear...
I don't have anything, OK?
Who is it?
My sister, Karen.
Tell her I said hi.
No, I haven't got anything, OK?
You'll have to find your own. No, I don't have any drugs! Bye.
Why couldn't you hear her?
She's at some engagement party. Her mate Kayleigh's getting hitched.
So it'll be free bar, free entry, that kind of thing?
Yeah, I suppose, why?
No.
No, no, no, no, no. No way!
Why not?
Cos my sister's there, and I don't want to see her.
Plus, she doesn't like you very much.
Why not? I'm always touching her and flirting with her.
Yeah.
Her tits stand to attention when I'm around. I've seen it.
Listen to me, we're not going. No.
No. No way.
Come on everybody, cos, yeah we going to a party!
All right?
Not coming in.
Why not?
Private party.
Plus underage.
Plus don't like look of you. Not coming in.
Listen to me, robot.
You may rank way above me in terms of strength and size,
but at least I can love.
Now can you let me in?
Not coming in.
Listen, fate has brought me here.
Do you understand? You're not letting fate in the club.
It's not like fate is wearing trainers.
Fate just wants a couple of drinks, a little dance.
And fate is actually also desperate for the toilet. Now can we come in?
How about you fuck off?
How about you're a fucking cock?
I'll fucking break your fucking face, mate!
What?
I said I'll fucking break your fucking face.
You'll get your fucking head kicked in here!
Come on! Fucking prick.
Just chill out, yeah?
I don't think he's going to let us in.
Nah, he's just an obstacle.
We're meant to go this party.
Fate'll sort it. Just wait.
(Brilliant. Idiot. He's such a fucking tosser.)
Freddie? What the fuck are you doing here?
Hi, Karen.
You can't come in. It's private.
It's Cook's birthday.
Unless you've got drugs, fuck off, and take your friends with you.
Oh, come on Karen.
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
Yeah. Look, it's not my decision. It's her party.
I'm getting married.
Congratulations.
Jesus.
Will you let us in?
Well, there is a pretty strict dress code.
How strict exactly?
Let's cock and roll, baby!
Isn't it lush? Daddy says nothing's too good for me.
You got that right, babe. So, who you marrying?
Oh, just some guy. He's a bit of a twat.
Ah, cheers, man.
When she said "party"...
You thought she meant an acid-fuelled sex rave without the Mancunians.
This is more...
Jelly and ice cream.
Uhh, get it down you, girls.
Top freebies, yeah? Love it.
I hate champagne.
Then why you fucking drinking it, then?
It's free.
Dad!
Kaleigh-kins.
Hi! This is Cookie...
Finish your drink, kid.
Have as much as you like.
Nothing's too good for my Kayleigh... Right?
And I wouldn't want anything to ruin the evening...
drop the tone...
Anything at all.
OK?
Right you are.
Enjoy.
Kayleigh. You're almost a woman...
Thanks, Daddy.
Almost.
See you around, Cookie.
You twat. Didn't you know?
Fuck it, man. I'm just getting started.
What's the fuss?
He's Johnny White. The gangster.
Yeah. Legend.
He murdered those two nuns over a pint of Guinness.
Allegedly.
I hear he stabbed a policeman in the neck with a stuffed guillemot.
That's so not true. It was a puffin.
So. Who's for narcotics?
Me.
Me?
What?
I've decided I love drugs.
Aah.
Rum punch.
What is it?
Uncle Keith's special blend.
A hallucinogenic opiate and stimulant.
Four hours of THC giggles and MDMA highs
with a transcendental kicker.
Sounds good.
Well, come on, then. Jesus.
All in good time, babes. Weird girl?
Yeah?
Hold that.
Fuck's sakes, are we getting any or what?
No, no, no. Wait!
Hang on, what you doing?
What?
Was that wrong?
Did you just swallow my drugs?
She's fucking finished it!
It tastes horrible!
You're not supposed to eat it!
It goes up the nose, you twat.
Let's go fly a kite, girl!
What about us?
Well, you can drink some of the weird girl's blood,
she's like a walking syringe.
My mouth's gone all numb.
I'm not surprised!
We've done ours, let's go!
Come on Panders, we're out of here.
I said you shouldn't have let them in.
Where's the love?
You're a wanker, James.
(LAUGHS)
You will get us some more, won't you, Cookie?
Yeah.
Cos if you could,
that would be - God -
really, really great.
I need more class A drugs, quick.
Why?
Cos that Kayleigh girl just gave me the look.
What sort of look is that?
This one.
Right. I see what you mean.
Freddie, we've got to get this man some drugs.
Why? Do the look.
What does that mean?
It means I'm getting laid tonight, Fred.
Please, not Kayleigh. Think of me and JJ.
You're not fucking her.
I thought you liked Effy.
Yeah, she's a peach. But I already tapped that. Top-dollar shag.
She's my last resort. Sure thing, I reckon.
You shagged Effy?
Oh, come on, Freds.
When?
First day I met her.
Why didn't you tell us?
Because apart from those times when my cock is up your arse,
you have no reason to worry about where it is the rest of the time.
But...
.. JJ likes her.
I was going to ask her out. I mean,
she seemed like she liked me.
You snooze, you lose, dude. I've got a snake
in my dick that's about to throw up.
Naomi. Wait!
What?
Where are you going?
Home.
Don't go.
Why not?
I dunno. Because...
Why does your sister think I'm gay?
Sorry.
See you around, Emily.
Thank you. Yes, please.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
The father of the bride,
Mr Johnny White.
So. My daughter's getting married
and she couldn't have chosen a nicer bloke - Steve Heston.
APPLAUSE
Unfortunately, Steve couldn't attend today without violating
the terms of his probation. He couldn't be here himself,
but he is well represented by members of his family.
Welcome, Hestons. No more rucks.
No more knives. No more pliers.
We're gonna be tight as a badger's bum.
The Whites and the Hestons brought together in the marriage bed,
still fucking each other, but in a good way.
APPLAUSE
Come up here, sweetheart.
You've kept yourself pure for so long
for this task of peace.
In times of strife, you've lit up my life,
and now you're gonna be Steve's wife.
LAUGHTER
And I just want to say...
Don't she look a picture?
APPLAUSE
I could just eat her.
RHYTHMIC HAND-CLAPPING
Right, charge your glasses with free booze, and raise 'em.
Kayleigh and Steve.
Pandora, wake up, you dozy cow.
Hi. It's me.
I need a favour.
Uncle Keith!
All right, Cookie?
Cheers.
Not a problem.
There you go.
Direct from Weston-super-Mare.
You're a lifesaver, Keith.
Gotta go, Cook. Gotta see a dog about a bone.
A bone that is my cock.
Get it out, then.
OK.
Not that. The drugs, idiot.
Oh, OK.
Thank you.
Ooh!
Is that all you're doing?
Yep.
That was a hamster-sized bump. Don't you want any more?
No.
OK.
So...
So.
OK, I'll see you later!
What? I thought we were gonna bone.
And what made you think that?
You've had the drugs and you gave me the look. What look?
This one.
That's the "I'll fuck for drugs" look.
Now stop arguing and get on my cock. No.
Blow me, then. My dick is clean.
I don't care! Hand-job?
But you've got to let me have a go on your tits whilst you're doing it.
Listen...
If anyone's going to get a lick of my fanny, they'll have to impress me.
So... if you do...
I'll let you stick it anywhere.
My tits, my arse, my armpit...
anywhere.
You're filthy.
Yes, I am.
And look, no knickers. Whoops. See ya!
OK.
What's he doing now?
Is he going to sing?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this
to a very special lady.
MUSIC STARTS
Oh, shit. This is going to be bad.
♪ I've been alive forever
♪ And I wrote the very first song
Go on, my son.
♪ I put the words and the melodies together
♪ I am music, and I write the songs
♪ I write the songs that make the whole world sing
♪ I write the songs of love and special things
♪ I write the songs that make those young girls cry
♪ I write the songs I write the songs
♪ Oh, my music makes you dance
♪ And gives you spirit to take a chance
♪ And I wrote some rock 'n' roll so you can move
♪ Music fills your heart
♪ Well, that's a real fine place to start
♪ It's from me, it's for you
♪ It's from you, it's for me
♪ It's a worldwide symphony
♪ I write the songs that make the whole world sing
♪ I write the songs of love and special things
♪ I write the songs that make the young girls cry
♪ I write the songs I write the songs
♪ I write the songs that make the whole world sing
♪ I write the songs of love and special things
♪ I write the songs that make the young girls cry
♪ I write the songs I write the songs
♪ I am music and I write the songs... ♪
I'm upset, Cookie.
You made me look like a fucking idiot
and I'm not used to that, you know?
Are you sure?
Stick him up on there. >
I wanna teach this fucker a lesson he'll never forget.
See? You tried to ruin my lovely party.
And now, really really bad things are gonna happen.
It was worth it. Her tits were mint.
Mr... Mr White.
He's very sorry. I'll take him home, and we're leaving.
We don't want to upset your beautiful daughter any more.
You're right.
She is beautiful.
It's your lucky day.
Let him go.
Aaaaargh!
Not like that, you tossers!
My fucking dress!
Fucking hell, Johnny, you fucking told... Oh, fuck.
Oh, God, whoopsey!
Look at my tracksuit, you weasely little prick!
What'd you say?
You're a weasely cunting prick!
You fucking Hobbit!
And we've all fucked your daughter. Ain't we lads?
(ALL) Yeah!
What'd you fucking say?
Aaah, fuckers!
SCREAMING
♪ Kayleigh, is it too late to say I'm sorry?
♪ Kayleigh, could we get it together again?
♪ I just can't go on pretending
♪ That it came to a natural end... ♪
Pffft!
Get out, get out!
LAUGHTER
(THEY COUGH AND WHEEZE) >
(GASPING) OK. That's far enough.
Cool party! >
Cheers.
You're fucking unbelievable.
(GIGGLES PLAYFULLY)
I needed to get laid, man.
You're always fucking trying to get laid. >
I try. I succeed. Right?
Speaking of which, any of you girls fancy it?
(LAUGHS) No, thanks. You're repulsive!
Weird girl.
You're beautiful, but no.
My tuppence feels all funny.
How about it then, Peachy?
Looks like it's just me and you.
Come on, Amy Winehouse. Home.
See ya!
Come on, we'll go somewhere else.
Somewhere with women.
Nah.
I ain't going anywhere.
Why the fuck not?
I'm tired.
I'm going home, all right?
you talking about, "you're tired"?
I'm tired of you, mate.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means I can't look after you any more.
I can't do it.
Oh, fuck you then!
Coming then?
Sure.
Let's go find some fucking women.
Hey, Cook,
w-w-what is this place?
Oh, it's just a club.
Late night thing, you know?
Lots of girls. Friendly.
Oh, OK.
R&B MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, my stars and garters!
All right, my lover?
(FRENCH ACCENT) Hello boys. Looking for a sex dance?
You like Frankie? >
Hello, darlings.
She's double jointed.
So?
Slinky! But we're actually after...
the other service.
Bit of the other?
Stepping this way, please.
The other service?
Yeah. Tonight's your lucky night, GayJay.
You get to lose your virginity to an odds-on moderately pretty girl.
I'm not sure I want to.
Listen to me. Are you a fucking scrawny little mousy queer boy,
or are you a man with a functioning set of cock and balls?
Um...
the second one.
Good. Come on, let's get our fuck on.
So.
What sort of thing are you looking for?
I'd like a woman with big tits.
And you?
Er... same thing.
But not too big, right?
Yes, I know the perfect girls for you. >
Amber! Megan!
Ha-ha! Yeeaaahh!
All right, gorgeous? This way.
And Megan. Here she is.
Hello!
Oooh, curly hair! >
So, will you let me do anything I ask ya?
Anything. But it'll cost you, mind.
How much to whack you up the cracker?
Hundred.
Whoa!
That's a lot more than I've got.
How much for your straight ahead,
run of the mill, bread and butter shag?
75.
What if I'm really good?
It don't make no difference, darling.
Ok. I'll guess I'll just have a hand-job then.
All right.
(SNIGGERS)
This your first time then?
You got cash on you?
(NERVOUSLY) Mm-hmm.
Right. Tick sharp!
Clothes off, we'll get you started.
Come on then, let's have a look at it.
OK.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Could I... kiss you?
We don't do kissing.
That's all I want to do.
Sod it.
Come on then.
Could you... show me how?
I've never really...
You've never kissed a girl?
No. Well...
My mum. My Aunt Lucy.
Right. Aunt Lucy. >
I'm sorry.
Come here.
That was nice!
Much better than Aunt Lucy!
Want to do it again?
I don't mind.
Yeah!
Oh, Jesus, Amber, you've got liquid fucking fingers!
You like that, yeah?
I like it very much.
WHIPPING IN NEXT ROOM
Oh Yeah! Yeah!
Harder! Harder! >
MORE WHIPPING
Yeah!
Harder!
You like that? >
Harder!
MORE WHIPPING
Who's that? Is that...?
Oh, that's just Johnny. >
Greta's regular. Seven inches. >
Freaky foreskin. Big tipper.
Naughty boy! >
Wicked!
sorry if you're fucking,
Sorry if you're fucking...
What kind of fucking gay shit is this?
Cook!
You're supposed to be banging her, not canoodling!
Sorry.
Pay the girl, JJ.
Something's come up, and I'm not talking about your willy.
No, no. No charge. I can't charge for a kiss.
Really?
Actually, no. That'll be a tenner, please.
What's going on?
Sssh!
You like that? >
I like it! >
Madame Greta, say Madame Greta! >
Madame Greta! >
Electrocution! >
Behind this door is opportunity!
Not enough! >
Enough! Ha-ha! >
What do you mean? Who's that?
(It's Johnny...!)
Yes! Now you stay here, naughty boy. >
I'm gonna get the barbed wire. >
Quick, hide!
WHIP CRACKS
FOOTSTEPS
Right. Come on. You're my witness!
To what?
(GIGGLING) This is gonna blow your mind!
Say cheese!
What the fuck are you doing here?
We're visiting, Johnny.
Look at you!
Fuck off. I'm busy! >
Shut the fuck up, or I'll fucking punch you in your fucking cock!
So. Who'd have thought big bad gangster man Johnny White
likes to be spanked like the naughty boy he is?
I like spanking. What's your problem?
You ruined my chances of sleeping with two girls tonight
by making me look stupid. >
So, once I show this little Kodak moment to everyone I know,
you're gonna look stupid,
and I'll be a legend for managing to take it.
(WHISTLES APPROVINGLY)
This is mine now!
See you around.
You don't have the balls to show that photo. >
What?
I said, you don't have the balls to show that to anyone.
Right?
little pussy. Watch me.
Do you know who I am? What I can do?
Yeah!
You heard what I said, boy. >
Why don't you say it once more?
You don't have the fucking balls!
(LOUDER) You don't have the fucking...
ELECTRIC CURRENT BUZZES
(GROANS AND CHOKES)
Nnngh...! Aargh...! Turn it off...
Cook!
(WINDS DOWN DIAL)
Come on, let's go!
Hey, Cookie. Does your mummy know where you are?
Your mum.
I bet you're the apple of her cunting eye.
Shut up. Don't speak about my mum.
I think you came here to see her, didn't you?
SHUT UP!
Because your mum is a fucking slag!
Raaaargh!
Shut up about my family. You don't know me, so shut the fuck up!
Do you know who I am?
What I can fucking do?
I'm Cook! I'm fucking...!
Stop it!
I'm COOOOOK!
It's me!
It's JJ!
Fucking bastard...
Fucking shit...
Fucking cunt...
Kid, kid!
I like you, kid. You're all right.
SHUT UP!
The next time I see you,
you're dead.
♪ Where have all the wicked gone?
♪ Is there no-one to condemn me?
♪ Where have all the holy gone?
♪ Is there no-one left to break you down? ♪
Cook, what the hell are you doing? It's 6am. It's Saturday morning.
Everyone's asleep. Including me.
Wait! Wait!
Shhh!
What?
I need to speak to you.
OK, OK, I'll meet you in the shed.
CAN OF DRINK OPENS
Jesus, man. Have you not stopped drinking?
Oh, don't be a cock about it. I've been up all night.
So what are we doing today, then?
Didn't you hear what I said last night?
Oh, come on, man. You were just in a bad mood.
Yeah. I was.
Cos you almost got us killed.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Sorry about that.
You're apologizing?
That's a first.
Something happened.
I wasn't me.
I was me.
I don't know.
I did something stupid.
That's nothing new.
Something really stupid. Something I wouldn't have done if you was there.
Right. So you've come here to ask me to look after you all the time.
Make sure you don't do anything stupid ever again.
Something like that.
No.
What?
I'm not going to do that.
Why not?
Cos lately, it's like you go looking for trouble.
I wouldn't say I go...
Do you want to die, mate? Is that what you want?
You're drinking yourself to death, you're fighting gangsters.
I don't even want to know what happened last night.
You're killing yourself to impress some pissed-up old wanker in a pub.
Why are you smiling?
Because it's us...
.. isn't it?
Me, you and JJ.
Best mates for life.
You're not taking me with you, OK?
I fucking love you, man.
I fucking love you to bits.
I...
Yeah.
OK.
But you've got to stop all this crazy shit.
Shut it, you pussy.
ENGINE APPROACHES
ENGINE BACKFIRES
(LAUGHS)
♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades, the ace of spades. ♪
♪ Playing for the high one Dancing with the devil
♪ Going with the flow It's all a game to me... ♪
Are you here for business or pleasure?
Sorry?
Let's get this started!
Hang on. He's pushing dope at my fucking shindig!
You're African, come on!
Fuck off out of my... Ooof!
I want you to see what kind of man you're dealing with, Thomas.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd