Edited at https://subtitletools.com
This programme contains very strong language, adult humour and violence.
Me, you and JJ. Best mates for life.
Hello. I'm Thomas. So glad to meet you.
They fuck you up.
They don't mean to, Eff.
Please don't leave me.
But they do.
Pyjama party means only one thing - girls getting friendly.
Be careful what you wish for, Pandora.
I missed you too much.
He's your friend. Isn't he?
Not necessarily.
'Every day I know this is what I was born to do.'
It's everything to me. And nothing else matters except...
This is for you, Mum...
Singing "Juicing Down", please welcome Karen McLair!
♪ The light is running out And my baby's still not back
♪ Although I'm by myself He's chowing down on his snack
♪ It's the third time this week But I have a plan
♪ I haven't lost him yet I'm gonna make him understand
♪ I'm juicing down tonight I'm gonna make him moan
♪ I'm juicing down tonight I'm gonna take him to the zone
♪ I'm juicing down tonight I can't wait to start
♪ I'm juicing down tonight Until I'm torn apart
♪ I'm juicing down tonight
♪ I'm juicing down
♪ I'm juicing down tonight I can't wait to start
♪ I'm juicing down tonight Until I'm torn apart
♪ I'm juicing down tonight
♪ I'm juicing down tonight. ♪
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES
TV ON
(TV) Let's see what the judges think...
Ladies, could you be happy with Karen in the Sexxbombz?
Yeah. It'd be lovely. I love her.
Jordan, did you get Karen tonight?
Karen. I'm going to be honest with you, ok?
We're in the semi-finals of this competition.
Everybody's talented. Yeah?
But the question is...
are you talented enough to join the Sexxbombz?
How can you watch this again?
Shut up, cockhead...
You know what? You dance like a gazelle.
On acid. I love it!
I love it! Yes!
Do you think I look hot?
Don't be fucking twisted. You're my sister.
DAD!
Freddie says I look ugly.
She doesn't look ugly. She looks sexy.
Dad, that isn't what I said. she's talking bollocks.
Tell your sister she looks sexy on the television.
Go on...
You look sexy on telly, Karen.
Now. Let's watch the good bit.
We've had a record number of votes, over 1,000 texts
and phone calls. And the last girl to go through to the final
of "Search for a Sexxbomb" is...
You know you bloody won!
Karen!
I just hope my mum was watching up in Heaven.
This is for you, Mum, and I love you forever!
For fuck's sake, Dad. Listen to what she's saying.
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah... Um...
You're in my garden.
Yeah.
Right. Um...
So...
I wanted to see what was in your shed.
My...?
Shed.
Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.
Everyone?
Yeah.
It's marvelled at.
Oh!
So... this is it.
So what do you and the boys do in here?
Braid each other's hair and play soggy biscuit?
No... not for ages.
So.
Spliff, then?
Cool.
Why don't you get your porn on the internet, like normal people?
What the fuck's this?
Sometimes, when we're too stoned to go outside...
I'm sorry.
I wasn't really expecting guests.
What do you normally do? Put out doilies?
Well, they do keep the cups clean.
Thanks for letting me in.
I know it's weird.
Oh... no...
it's... whatever. You know.
It's cool.
It's just... seems like a good place to hide.
You'll never guess what just happened.
This skinny Asian fucker was at the Green,
body popping on a bit of lino. Cook!
He's got a little sign saying "Anwar the Magnificent", right?
Cook...
He's busking, making cash money.
So I said to him if I can join in...
Cook...
And he says do I know the Buddha Buddha Cheese Buddha routine.
Cook!
So I says...
Well, blow bubbles up my bollocks and call me Shirley.
Welcome to our fortress of solitude!
I think I love the Sexxbombz.
Karen's costume last night was a bit of a marvel.
I'm pretty sure it defied the laws of physics.
I mean, that tiny amount of material is surely not be able to
cover the requisite surface area for UK broadcasting laws.
Did you see it, Eff?
No...
That skirt was so short I saw her bumhole wink.
Pass the spliff, Freddiebrek.
Don't worry, I've perfected it.
Water... water...
No way...
Fucking Genius!
How long have you had that planted there?
About eight months.
Fucking genius. Fucking top, mate.
That's fucking tip toparoo.
After all this excitement, I fancy a spunk.
You coming, Eff? You soon will be.
I'd sooner fuck JJ.
I know that isn't intended as a compliment.
But I'm going to take it as one anyway.
Maybe you didn't get it. "Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."
I got it.
Freddie and JJ got it. That termite over there got it.
But you're not going to get it. Got it?
No... I'm confused.
I'm not going anywhere near your crayola dick.
I know where it's been.
What's she talking about?
Piss off then.
This is our place, right?
If you're not going to shag us, then get to fuck.
Mate, try and stir my porridge if you want
but I'd say even Jay's got a better chance than you.
I mean, when was the last time you breathed fire?
Freddie! >
Freddie... Dinner's ready! >
'So, should I be called Minxy Sexxbomb or Foxy Sexxbomb?
'Jordan says he likes Minxy. I wanted it to be Sexy Sexxbomb...'
MUFFLED VOICES
He's completely monged.
No...
I'm not.
I've, erm...
Got coursework now.
You gonna tell him Dad? About the thing?
I'm busy... .
Sit down.
at two o'clock tomorrow.
What for?
Filming for the interview before my final performance.
You've got to talk about how much you miss Mum
and how much it'll mean to you to see me win.
Wow! This is like, too fucked-up for words. My Mum's dead, vote for me...
It's not like it's not true. I miss Mum every day.
Shit... Dad, she's doing it again!
You need a story, everyone knows that.
See!
She didn't mean it like that.
Yes, I did. At least I've got some fucking ambition!
Wanting Robbie Williams to jizz over your baps doesn't count as ambition!
Oh, that's nice. Lovely that is(!)
Freddie, be here tomorrow at two o'clock.
Why should I?
Cos I wash your clothes, cook your meals, put a roof over your head,
probably pay for your skunk and I do it all without asking
anything in return. Except this.
Look! Look at her!
She's your sister, you support her. That's it.
It's just...
Fucking hell...
You know?
(MOCKING) It's just, like, erm... Fucking hell, you know?
Arh! Dad!
Freddie! Get back here and apologise.
and make him apologise to me!
Sorry.
back here. Dad, please...
♪ I am
♪ The only one
♪ Can ride that horse
♪ Yonder
♪ I'm full of beans
♪ Who died at sea... ♪
So. Hamlet. What's it all about...
.. dudes?
Anyone?
(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, Josie, through the fog of his grief,
Hamlet is struggling to choose between action or inaction,
and through this struggle, he encounters existential forces
illuminating the path towards death which is,
in itself, life.
My my, that is an illuminating thesis, Gerald. Well, done.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Well, thank you.
No, thank you. You're a delight to teach.
I got held up.
Freddie's always late.
Sorry...
Sit down, please. >
(HIGH-PITCHED) Is Freddie gonna fail his A-levels? >
'Fraid so, Gerald. >
You're all gonna fail if you don't read the pucking book...
I've read it! It was great!
Oh!
I didn't really understand it though.
Oh.
Did the ghost do it after all, or was it Voldemort?
He's a right beast, in't he?
Erm, I think you got your books mixed up again, Panda.
So! In summary, the predominant themes >
of William Shakespeare's Hamlet are... >
action, inaction, madness, >
grief, death... >
♪ .. Non plus de parois
♪ Mais des arbres oui
♪ Des arbres infinis Et quand tu es... ♪
Being, or not being. That is the question...
♪ .. Tellement pres de moi
♪ C'est comme si ce plafond-la
♪ Il n'existait plus
♪ Je vois le ciel penche sur nous... ♪
Uh... Anyone else?
Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got these desires
but he doesn't have the bottle to reach for them.
So he goes mad and wanks off about Ophelia and ends up so boring
that somebody has to kill him.
I'm not sure that's right. >
There's no wanking in Hamlet.
Mmm. Yeah. There is. Loads. Only they call it soliloquizing.
(LAUGHS)
Nice one, blondie. She's funny.
Cook... Cook... No, please don't!
Stop it... Stop it, please!
Freds!
Oh, thanks a lot, Cook. Now my nipples are really chafed. >
(LAUGHS) Come on. We're going down the boozer. >
Come on! I need to get that fucking Dickens out me head.
Let's get fucking trashed!
But...
Oh, come on, Freddie. It's been ages since we last went out.
No.
I'm going home.
Oh, no... No... Please don't! Not again!
(GIGGLES)
Have a tickle!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
So, Freddie...
Tell us what it means to you to have Karen
in the grand final of Search For A Sexxbomb?
Erm...
It's like, you know... well, I mean...
I can't quite put it into words.
He is just the best brother in the world.
We take every day as a blessing from God,
because, you know, Mum isn't with us any more.
It really makes you think.
Does it? About what?
About, you know... Life is precious and stuff.
Freddie, why don't you tell me what it was like to lose your mother?
I'm not going to find her down the back of the sofa.
Ok, But, you know, like, how did it feel?
Oh, it felt great, Jordan. It felt really great.
How does it feel being
a cocaine-snorting, low-budget, corporate puppet?
Erm, yeah, ok... I think we're going to cut here.
Mum was...
She was the one who told me that I had a talent, a gift.
Who first sang with me and believed in me.
When I'm singing out there, I'm not just singing for me.
I'm singing for her.
And I'm singing for anyone who's ever been through tragedy.
Ok, cut there. I love you, Karen! I actually love you. Wow!
Yeah?
Yeah... >
You're so warm and sweet and cool.
I could eat you. I'd love to eat you.
You'd like that, wouldn't you, Karen?
I'd love that, Jordan.
Ok, all right... >
Listen, I need a chai latte. Where's that asshole runner?
In there, with the other arseholes.
MOBILE RINGS
You know, you're not that hot kid. Nobody wants to eat you...
Phil yes, my man... >
You're such a cock. Why are you trying to fuck this up for me?
that makes me go gaga, you know? >
You are beautiful.
I'll see you then.
You know. You oughta get laid or something, kid.
I might be a corporate puppet or whatever
but I have a fucking good time.
How's being an angsty little prick working out for you?
Wow. I haven't seen you dressed like that since, well...
ever.
You look a bit like Frau Hilde from Primary.
(MOCK GERMAN) Right now Kinder, get ze glitter on ze macaroni und stick!
Stick! Express yourselves, ja?
(MOCK GERMAN) Oh, oh, Jeremiah. No.
Oh, no. Ze glue is all over das lippen.
THEY LAUGH
Do you remember how Cook used to try and ping his crayons into her bra?
Yeah.
Primary was fun.
Yeah... yeah it was.
Cook wants you to come to Uncle Keith's pub quiz tomorrow.
Oh, well...
If Cook wants me there, I suppose I'd better fucking hop to it!
Freddie... Why don't you want to be friends with us any more?
Cook hasn't got any friends. Just... people that he knows.
Don't say that.
So? I mean... >
What else are you gonna do?
Anyway...
You'll like this.
Hang on, pack of cards... >
FANS PACK OF CARDS
.. handkerchief, and a mouse, >
but I haven't actually got a mouse, so... >
so, a rubber. I need you to pick a card... >
I'll pick it for you. >
Hello, Effy. I hope you're OK.
Good.
for you to remember
each other very much.
No we don't.
No. That's right. We don't.
And that's why you're leaving.
That's why I'm leaving.
out of here, woman.
I am fucking out of here...
DOORBELL RINGS
SHOUTING FROM INSIDE
What's up?
SHOUTING CONTINUES
so little imagination,
shagged the turd from Tesco's.
to cunting Oxfam!
Don't you dare use "cunt" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!
with your fucking precious money.
All right. I'll take my fucking pan.
Take that pan and you are fucking dead!
I brought your bracelet back.
Thanks.
We'd be good together.
SHOUTING CONTINUES
Don't you think?
Why?
Because I'll break your heart.
Maybe I'll break yours.
Nobody breaks my heart...
and anyway, why would I want that?
Who the buggering tits is this?
Unbelievable.
They're not actually crazy, you know.
They're just women.
♪ Now that I know
♪ The way it goes
♪ You gotta pay back every penny that you owe
♪ Twelve years old
♪ In your momma's clothes
♪ Shut the blinds and lock up every blow
♪ And if you hear
♪ Someone's coming near
♪ Just close your eyes and make 'em disappear... ♪
Argh!
DISTANT BANGING
It's amazing what you can accomplish if you get up early.
Fuck!
Don't swear. You know I don't like you swearing...
This is bullshit!
This is our fucking shed.
Mine and JJ's and Cook's. Since we were little kids.
Maybe it's time you grew up then.
Besides, Karen needs somewhere to rehearse...
and actually it's my shed.
I think this is the worst thing anyone's ever done to me.
I didn't do to you.
I did it for you.
Right. Question 23...
A swan is the only bird with a penis,
but how long can a cockroach live after you've pulled its head off?
Easy.
Ah, this is the life, eh? The three musketeers out on the lash.
Let's have a cheers.
Come on, cheers.
The only man in Britain to survive three attempts to hang him
was John Babbacombe Lee at Exeter Jail.
On what dates were the attempts made?
Keith, what's up with these questions?
Do you wanna be disqualified?
What were the dates?
Yep. Do you know what Naomi is spelled backwards?
I moan...
Fucking JJ...
Brilliant, man.
In Sherwood Forest...
Hi Eff, what's up?
You all right...
Yes, fine. Who's this?
What is it?
Mike.
Hmm...
Romantic...
All right, love. Clitoris Allsorts could do with some more members.
All right Keith, we're not stopping.
Ok.
Right next question.
When dropped from a height of 100 inches onto concrete,
how high should a new tennis ball bounce?
Answers in hectares please.
I've got the answer.
Write it down then J-kins.
We don't let nothing come between us. Yeah?
Bros before hos, boys, bros before hos.
Yeah.
We've got bigger fish to fuck.
Who does your sister think she is? Gina fucking G? This shed situation is fucked.
The Cookie Monster does not like this.
If you find her so reprehensible, why did you have sex with her?
Oooh wait, wait. That was supposed to stay in the vault. Wasn't it?
What you?
JJ?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm emotionally underdeveloped.
Whoa... You shagged my sister?
You know what I'm like, Freds...
half a bottle of grappa and I turn into a fucking machine gun.
You fucked my sister?
RETCHING
Just be, Freddie.
Just be.
MUSIC PLAYS IN SHED
Fuck!
Bring it, Karen, bring it.
What do you want?
I was just wondering if there was anything else you wanted to take?
What?
You've got this...
Maybe you want my bedroom for a tanning salon next.
At least then you might stand a chance tomorrow.
Freddie...
Just let me rehearse, and you can bitch at me after the final.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I forgot that's the only thing that matters in the whole world.
Grow the fuck up.
You don't see it, do you?
You don't see what a stupid fucking cliche you really are.
Piss off, Freddie.
So out of interest...
What were you dreaming of when you fucked my best friend?
It wasn't like that...
I bet he fucked you good, didn't he?
I know your type, Karen.
Love me...
Love me.
Look, stop it.
You little fucking whore...
Karen. Go to your room.
Get some rest.
Freddie, don't you ever speak to your sister that way again.
What are you gonna do about it?
Freddie, every time I look at you, I wonder...
You've got your mother's eyes, but...
..I don't know who you are any more.
You just skate around.
You just fucking skate around.
♪ STEPHEN FRETWELL: Darling Don't
Yeah?
Is Effy in?
No... There's no-one here but terrible old me...
Do you know where she is?
Please?
She's at the water park, I think.
She goes there to, um...
.. get away from here.
♪ PHOSPHORESCENT: I Am A Full Grown Man
Effy!
Effy! I wanna talk to you!
PHONE RINGS THROUGH
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
'Hi. This is Effy. I'm not talking right now.
'But leave a message and maybe I'll get back to you...'
Effy, I've come to tell you...
Freddie. I don't think I can...
So, now I've told you... OK?
Now you know...
♪ Rim licking, clit flicking
♪ You're the stuffing I'm the chicken
♪ Said we're clicking You're still licking
♪ Clock is ticking Stick your dick in
♪ In this club they cannot tame us
♪ On the dancefloor tongue meets anus
♪ Boy, I need you in my south pole
♪ Put your star in to my black hole
♪ Rim lickin', baby
♪ Could ya lick my rim?
♪ Could you put it in Oh, baby
♪ Rim lickin', baby
♪ If ya taste that thing
♪ Then you can put it in Oh, baby. ♪
APPLAUSE
Jemma, Jemma, Jemma, Jemma! That was fierce.
Fierce!
Jordan?
I didn't like it...
BOOING
I loved it!
I loved it! I loved it!
Well, done! Thank you very much, Jemma. Thank you.
OK, it's time for our third and final act of the evening.
Singing the song that took the Sexxbombz to number one
in two countries, one protectorate and of course, Wales...
it's Karen Mclair with Ass To Ass!
♪ Ass to ass with you
♪ At the rave we were bumping I can feel his body pumping
♪ As he moves into mine Then he really starts to wind
♪ He tells me dis ting and dat ting To make me come undone
♪ Then he whispers in my ear
♪ Girl I want to see them going ass to ass with you
♪ I wanna see them going Ass to ass with you
♪ He wants to see me going ass to ass with you
♪ I wanna see them going Ass to ass with you
♪ Ass to ass
♪ Ass to ass with you
♪ I wanna see them going
♪ Ass to ass with you
♪ He wants to see me going
♪ Ass to ass with you
♪ I wanna see them going Ass to ass with you. ♪
APPLAUSE
Oh, yes!
Absolutely fantastic!
I'd like to dedicate that to my mum, Mary Mclair.
I love you so much...
APPLAUSE
Shut up...
Karen, Karen, that was amazing.
You are not just in this competition...
you are this competition! Yeah! Yeah!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What about you Sexxbombz, are you feeling the love tonight?
♪ I wanna see you going ass to ass with you...
♪ I wanna see you going ass to ass with me... ♪
APPLAUSE
They're feeling the ass baby! Fo' shizzle!
They are all feeling the ass.
Thank you Karen, everybody.
OK. It's now time to get voting for your favourite... Honey?
Jemma? Or Karen?
Lines are open, get dialling now and come back here in one hour.
One of these three lovely girls will be the...
new Sexxbomb!
Thanks, mate.
DOORBELL RINGS
What are you doing, man? Let's go out and fucking celebrate!
What?
She fucking lost...
I'm not going anywhere.
OK then. We'll bring the party to you...
Come on J...
JJ...
He wanted to come around...
Don't do anything bad, OK?
Hello, Mr Mclair. Karen.
Hello, JJ.
Bad luck, Karen. In the competition, like.
But you know...
What goes around comes around.
How much did you lose by again? 15 votes?
Well, that's funny.
Cos that's about how many people were in Keith's pub tonight.
You voted against her?
Not just me. Everyone in there. JJ, even.
Cook, don't...
You fucking did what?
You took my shed, I took your competition. Fair's fair.
You little shit, you ugly little bastard...
Guys. Guys. Guys.
Let's go out? You can watch me play pin the sausage on the bramble...
I forgot how limber you were, Karen...
What's going on?
You prick.
You selfish fucking prick.
Freddie, please.
Fucking do it then. You pussy.
I really fucking love you, you bastard.
JJ, we're leaving, man.
JJ, I'm sorry.
JJ!
You fucking...
PHONE RINGS THROUGH
'Hi. This is Effy. I'm not talking right now but leave a message...'
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi, um... is Ef...
Give it up, will you?
What?
Just fuck right off.
You've got about as much chance of fucking me
as becoming the democratically elected Student President.
You? President?
Yeah man. Problem?
CHEERING
Vote for me! Vote for non-stop party!
You're such a fucking joke.
I'm a joke? You're fucking hilarious.
Can we go somewhere? Anywhere?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd