Season 13 Episode 3 "Margaritaville"
Do I really have to do this, dad?
Now more than ever you need to understand
the importance of saving money.
But grandma said I could use this money to buy whatever I want.
OK, next, please.
Go on, Stanley.
- How can I help you, young man? - I got $100 check from my grandma.
And my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years.
Well, that's fantastic. A really smart decision, young man.
We can put that check in a money market mutual fund,
then we'll reinvest the earnings into foreign currency accounts
with come can pounding interest and it's gone!
- What? - It's gone. It's all gone.
- What's all gone? - The money in your account.
It didn't do too well. It's gone.
- What do you mean? I have $100. - Not anymore, you don't. Poof!
What can I do to get back my...
I'm sorry, sir, but this line is for bank members only.
I just opened an account!
Do you have any money invested with this bank?
No, you just lost it all.
Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us.
Next, please.
Hello, Mrs. Farnickle. How are you today?
Making a deposit, are we?
Great. We can just put that into your retirement account
and make it go to work for you and it's gone.
- What? - Sorry, That's gone. Please step aside
for people who actually have money with the bank. Next, please.
Dad!
I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings.
- You already lost his money? - Oh, Mr. Marsh! Don't worry.
We can just transfer money from your account and into a portfolio
with your son's... and it's gone!
This line is for people who have money with the bank only.
Please step aside.
This is a 9 News special report.
Recession: a nation in peril.
An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before.
Another South Park bank closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.
It's just crazy, you know? Everyone's affected by it.
It's like all the money just vanished.
It's really terrifying. We've got no money to pay our mortgage now.
- We could very easily lose our house. - Hi, grandma!
First, the money started going and now everyone's getting laid off work.
They took our jobs!
- They took our jobs! - Took our jobs!
Just how far will the economy fall?
We asked economic reporter Dan Banks for his assessment.
We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at 10:00.
All right, everyone, eat up.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices?
You said we had to be careful with our money.
I've got nothing for a food budget!
Mom, dad, how come there's suddenly no money?
I'll tell you what happened, son.
There's a bunch of idiot s out there who weren't happy with what they had.
They wanted a bigger house and materialistic
things that they didn't even need.
People with no money who got loans to buy
frivolous things they had no business buying.
These assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing
that looked appealing because they thought money was endless.
meaning less money coming in.
And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this
frivolous spending they were mocking the economy.
And they made the economy very angry.
We're all feeling the economy's vengeance
because of materialistic heathens
who did stupid things with their money. Do you understand, son?
Yeah. I think I get it.
And so why is our economy failing us?
Because the government kept interest rates
too low for too long!
The government took our economy for granted
and now we are all here paying the price!
How long will we sit and watch our economy fall...
And so I say to you, do not listen to the Wall Street brokers, for they...
are the ones who put us in this situation!
Fat cats with corporate greed.
They are the ones who knowingly drove us down this pathway of doom.
It must have gone somewhere!
The answer is obvious, my friends. It is the Jews!
Covetous Jews, who have taken all our money and hoarded it for themselves!
Hidden all the cash in some secret Jew cave that they built,
probably back in the early '60s. It is the Jews...
people casting all different kinds of blame from person to person.
But the fault lies in all of you.
You! Who bought that $300,000 house
when you only had $20,000 to put down. You!
Who bought that third car even though only two people in your home drive.
It is time to stop pointing fingers.
Finger-pointing gets us nowhere. Steve!
We have mocked our economy
and now the economy has cast its vengeance upon us all.
He's right.
This is the first guy to actually make sense.
Yeah, it is an angry and unforgiving economy.
To repent we must stop frivolous spending.
Instead of paying for cable, let us watch clouds!
Instead of buying clothes, wear but sheets from thine beds!
Cut spending to only the bare essentials...
Water and bread.
And margaritas, yeah!
Hello, young man. Welcome to Sur La Table. Can I help you?
I wanna return this Margaritaville my stupid dad bought.
Oh, that's all we get anymore, returns.
Could you please put the receipt here on this table?
Sorry, our computers are slow today. We need a new Ethernet cable.
I'm sorry, sir. I'd like to give you a refund, but I'm afraid
it's not doable.
- What? - I said I'm not able, sir.
You see, this Margaritaville was purchased with a payment plan.
So?
Well, an outside financing company handles those payment plans.
Customers just pay for some of the machine
and the finance company pays for the rest.
Can't I just return it and get the money my dad put in back?
That's improbable,
but not impossible. I'm not really sure how it works.
You'll have to speak with the people at the top.
I can give you the finance company's address if that's agreeable with you.
We have become lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of the economy.
There are those who will say that the economy has forsaken us.
Nay! You hath forsaken the economy!
And now you know the economy's wrath.
Oh, thoust can shop in a sporting goods store,
but knowest thou that the economy
will take away thy broncos cap from thy head.
You mocked the economy without fear.
Thine own stockbrokers... now lie dead by their own hand.
And thou knowest that thy stockbrokers did not fear the economy!
Well, here we are, my friends.
You have brought the economy's vengeance upon yourselves.
- What can we do, Randy? - Yes, tell us!
- Tell us what to do! - Tell us, Randy, what we should do!
We must all wear sheets instead of buying clothes that need detergent.
Instead of cars that take gasoline,
we can get around on lamas from Drakes Farm.
Instead of video games that take batteries and software,
our kids will play with squirrels!
We must let the economy know that we are capable of respecting it.
No more needless spending!
The economy is our shepherd.
We shalt not want!
- Morning, Ted. - Morning, Al.
Well, this sucks.
Sure was better when our parents were buying us stuff.
Of all the times for people to decide to stop buying things,
it had to be the week that GTA4 comes out for Nintendo DS!
You want something new every week, fat ass.
Don't you fraternize me!
- This is all your fault, you know. - My fault?
The Jews took all the money away and they...
Don't even start! Don't even start, Cartman!
Well, why are we wearing bed sheets and playing with squirrels, Kyle?
Not because of the Jews, Butters! Who told you that?
Well, Eric did!
Just tell us where the cave is, Kyle.
Now, look!
The reason we're in this situation is because people are being stupid!
The economy isn't some vengeful being that takes things away from us.
The economy is just made up of people.
And people have just lost their faith in it.
What people really should be doing is spending more.
Spending is fine!
We best speak with the council.
Tell them a young Jew is speaking heresy towards the economy.
- Can I help you? - I want to return this Margaritaville.
OK. Let me send you into Josh.
Hey, welcome to Big Orange finance company!
Yeah, have a seat. You want some Carmex?
No thanks. I want to return this Margaritaville
and the guy at Sur La Table said you are the company that financed it.
Oh, yeah. No. You know what?
- No, yeah. - What?
Yeah, we can't give you your money back for that. Yeah, no.
You'd have to talk to the people on Wall Street. Yeah.
Wall Street?
Yeah, no, see what I do is find Americans
who want a frozen beverage machine but can't afford one.
And I hook them up with investors who want to get into the Margaritaville
payment plan business, yeah.
So?
So the problem is your Margaritaville payment plan has been combined,
with thousands of others into one big Margaritaville security.
Yeah, no.
Yeah. No, yeah.
The entire town has given over to your ways, Mr. Chairman.
Everyone has even stopped using electricity
so as to stop paying electrical bills.
You've really done an amazing thing, Mr. Marsh.
People have learned to hold on to their money
so as to not feel the sting of the economy's mighty sword.
I am pretty smart, yeah.
But I have assembled this economic committee
to make sure everyone sticks to my new plan.
We've got guards posted at the malls to make sure nobody
gets tempted to buy dumb stuff.
And Pat Saltzman is doing house checks
to make sure nobody's ordering anything stupid online.
Then perhaps soon our economy will return to us.
Council, I bring news of discord!
A young Jew was in the town square
speaking blasphemy about the economy.
- What? - He was saying that
your ideas are false and the economy is not vengeful!
He was rallying people to spend more!
Spend more? What mockery is this?
Relax, Father Maxi.
What harm can one Jew do against our...
economic recovery movement?
I had a dream last night. I was in a field,
and I had GTA: Chinatown Wars right next to me.
But then the sky went black and...
GTA: Chinatown Wars just melted in my hands.
What's that?
Excuse me. We need to borrow your squirrels!
- What? - No! No, please!
You have sinned!
- Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry. Please! - What's going on?
Garrison, you have brought your filth to this town for the last time!
What did he do?
Your teacher was buying a kitchen aid stand mixer at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Take thy punishment, heathen!
Hey, stop it! Stop!
Move aside, kid. He must pay for his stand mixer.
Come on, this is ridiculous!
What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels at a man
- who has angered the economy? - Just have a little compassion, huh?
Everyone's gone out and bought something stupid. It's not so bad.
Whichever of you guys has never bought anything frivolous, go ahead
and huck the next squirrel.
Excuse me? Excuse me!
I'd like to return this Margaritaville, please.
Margaritaville?
My dad bought it on a payment plan that was set up by a finance company,
which got their principal investors from somebody here.
- Oh, that makes sense. - It does?
You see, son, we lump thousands of these
Margaritaville installment plans together
into Margaritaville based securities,
then chopped those securities up in a way that we could sell them to banks.
So I can return it to a bank?
Nope. Because people like you are defaulting on their Margaritavilles
so the government had to buy the Margaritaville assets from the banks.
What?
Just talk to the treasury department. In D.C.
They're the ones who really understand how all this works.
Oh, sell, sell, sell, sell!
Listen, this is all you need to know.
The economy is not a supernatural all-knowing entity.
The economy is just an idea
made up by people thousands of years ago.
The economy is not real.
And yet, it is real.
Nowadays, they'll give credit cards to practically anyone who applies for them.
I applied for this yesterday to prove a point.
It is an American Express platinum card.
It has no spending limit.
Do not be afraid! This is only plastic.
It's just something made up by people.
Truly meaningless until we put our faith in it.
Faith is what makes an economy exist.
Without faith, it is only plastic cards and paper money.
By all reports, the young Jew is not letting up.
He is still going around convincing people to have
faith in the economy by shopping.
We've done everything we can and yet the economy has not improved.
Worse, it has declined.
Poor Bart here just lost his job at Little Caesar's pizza.
Our tireless work is obviously being undermined by this one Jew.
Why does he go around pretending to know the true will of the economy?
Perhaps he is the economy's only son, sent to save us.
Are you retarded, Stotch!
The economy is omnipotent. Which means it can do anything.
So saying it would be limited to one son is fucking stupid!
That is stupid, yeah.
And going around telling people to shop is dangerous.
Well, then there's only one option.
- We have to kill the Jew. - Yep, I think we gotta kill the Jew.
I don't know. He's got a lot of support.
It might be hard to even catch this Jew.
Did somebody say "catch a Jew"?
The person you are after might be hard to get, but I can bring him to you.
And all I want in return...
is GTA: Chinatown Wars for handheld Nintendo DS.
How can we help you, young man?
I want to return this Margaritaville.
My dad bought it on a payment plan set up by a finance company
that got investors from Wall Street
who combined it into securities, sold to banks who transfered it to you!
That makes sense.
No problem. We just need to consult the chart.
We can determine your property's value and we'll be done.
Really? Thank you.
Be right back.
Excellent news, sir.
We've determined the investment value of your Margaritaville to be
$90 trillion!
What?
Hey, what's the matter, Kyle? You seem... bummed out.
I just have a feeling this might be the last time we get to do this.
Don't worry, Kyle. We're not gonna let people kill you.
We'll keep you hidden forever!
I can't just hide my whole life, Butters.
And besides,
I have this strange feeling that one of you is gonna totally betray me.
All right, whoever is thinking of betraying Kyle, that is not cool.
That's fricking lame, dude.
Kyle's trying to get the economy going again.
If somebody is thinking of stabbing him in the back, you're being a dick.
Go ahead, Kyle.
Whoever it might happen to be,
I'm not giving him the opportunity.
Tomorrow, I'm going to do something.
Something I've known I would have to do to restore people's faith.
Kyle, please.
For... fuck's sake, don't do anything drastic.
There's no choice anymore, guys. Don't worry about me.
I've been preparing for this for a while now.
No, no, no. Excuse me. I don't understand.
How can this stupid thing be worth $90 trillion?
- What, you think it's worth more? - No! Dude, that doesn't make sense.
Well, you don't get $90 trillion, but the chart says that's what it's worth.
- Oh, problem! Problem again! - What is it now?
Another insurance company is about to go under.
If they do, people could lose millions.
OK. No problem. We better consult the chart.
Sir, another insurance company is going under.
Now determining most prudent move for insurance company!
- Bailout! - Most prudent move is a bailout!
Bailout the insurance company!
It's a miracle.
- Why would someone do this? - What is this? What's going on?
There. Look.
It's the Jew.
Somehow he got a platinum Amex with no spending limit.
What's he doing?
He's... paying for everyone's debts.
Hey, thanks, kid. This is really nice of you.
But that's impossible. Why would he do this?
So that people have money to spend.
Kyle! Kyle, you have to stop this!
It's OK, ma.
No, Kyle, you'll be in debt for the rest of your life.
Please, somebody, get him to stop!
There's about $17,000 worth here.
He paid for our debts so we could spend once more.
He's dead.
No, he's just passed out. We should get him to bed.
For the first time in almost a year, the economy in South Park
has taken a small, but noticeable upturn.
Stores and shopping malls are open again
as newly debt-free people feel safe to make purchases.
The new Margaritaville! With salsa dispenser!
Just pour your favorite salsa in the top and it comes out the dispenser
at the bottom! Oh, we need this!
Are we out of the woods yet? Only time will tell.
But we must not forget the sacrifice
one person made to restore our faith,
and make us believe in the economy once again.
The person we must thank every day for his amazing sacrifice...
Barack Obama.
Come on!
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