♪ ( South Park Theme plays ) ♪
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ goin' down to south park ♪
♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ ample parking day or night, ♪
♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ headin' on up to South Park ♪
♪ gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ I like girls with big vaginas ♪
♪ I like girls with big fat titties ♪
♪ come on down to South Park and ♪
♪ meet some friends of mine ♪
"South Park: S16E06" "I should have never gone ziplining" Original air date 18 April, 2012
Kyle! ( echoes )
Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.
Aghhh! I can't take it!
Somebody help us!
Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness
with no way out
Aghhh!
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
We were stuck, we were completely stuck.
Kyle, hurry!
Kyle! Wake up!
You gotta wake up, Kyle!
Aaghh!
For four elementary school boys
an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness
on tonight's episode of
Oh god!
No!
Help! We're trapped!
We gotta get outta here!
It's the last day of spring break
and all over the small mountain town of South Park
and his friends Kyle, Eric and Kenny,
the last day has come too soon.
We really had spent the whole spring break
watching TV and playing Xbox, you know.
So, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous.
We could go to the city pool
they have a water slide.
No no no, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny he has herpes.
What?
Look at his lip! You've got herpes, dude.
I don't have herpes. It's a cold sore.
No, cold sore is what girls call it Kenny.
It's actually herpes.
C'mon guys, the day's wasting away.
What would be something really cool we could do?
And then like, out of nowhere
somebody came up with the idea of ziplining.
Hey yeah, ziplining that could be really cool.
We've definitely not done that before!
I think there's a place just outside of town.
I'll see if my Uncle Jimbo will drop us off.
Cool! Ziplining!
Ziplining. Hell yeah!
Within 30 minutes,
the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters
from Stan's Uncle Jimbo.
We were in a good mood, just joking around you know,
mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes.
See, Kenny? You got herpes dude!
Ack! I almost touched it.
sic—agh! Sick, Kenny. No!
Gross!
( mumbles )
Did you hear that guys?
Kenny says it's just a fever blister.
You sound like a chick, Kenny.
That's herpes, dude. You got that shit 'til you die.
It's the idealic spring break getaway
with friends and laughter.
Hey, you guys here for the two o'clock zipline tour?
Yeah
Alright! Let me get you some helmets and some gear
and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar.
And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets.
I— I think that's when we started realizing
Oh wow... this is actually pretty dangerous!
Alright, you guys look ready to zipline!
Alright!
Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room
and we'll have you take a seat with the others.
And we were like, others?
We have to do with this other people?
- Hi, there! - Hello!
Hi!
The boys have just made a sobering discovery.
For 10-year-old Stan Marsh,
the realization that he will be with a tour group
has caused his adrenal gland to slow down.
The average human acts a certain way
when surrounded by friends and family.
But in a tour group
the brain has to work overtime
acting nice and pretending to care
about people on the tour.
Hey, how are you?
Good, how are you?
So then we sit there for like thirty minutes
because we had to wait for this couple who was running late.
Alright our last zipliners are here.
Sorry we made you wait, everybody.
Inside Kyle's mouth
the muscles contract to force a smile.
Even though in his brain,
Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you!"
We don't mind.
Now everyone was there
we thought things will start getting fun, but...
that's when we had to watch the safety video.
Welcome to Backcountry Adventures.
Well hey there, Michael!
Hey there, Michael!
( laughing )
It was I don't know, ten... maybe fifteen minutes of pure hell.
( laughing )
Oh, and don't forget to take in the nar.
Back to you, Michael.
Thanks, Michael. Anybody have any questions?
No.
I have a question.
Could we review the best ways to hold the rope again?
Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again,
because you couldn't understand? Really?
Let's get out there and get zippin' !
Jesus Christ!
Finally!
The boys think their ordeal is over.
But what they don't realize
is that things are about to go from bad to worse.
Here we go, guys! Ziplining!
Everyone just step on in the shuttle.
Shuttle?
How—how long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about 45 minutes.
It's a devastating blow.
For Kyle, it's almost too much to bare.
His brain is already lacking excitement.
And now just the word "shuttle"
makes Kyle's brain fire neurons
that bring up memories
of just how lame shuttles can be.
Well, come on we don't have a choice.
Alright guys, should be about 45 minutes
to the freshest nar nar.
Why don't we go around the van
and to get to know each other a little bit.
Uh, that's okay.
Well, my name's Pete Knickels and this is my wife Donna.
And uh... make a long story short
we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab.
They uh... been living there about 20 years now.
And uh... long story short,
they told us that
as long as we were in the rockies
we should try ziplining.
So... long story short
we looked around in the newspapers and on the internet and
on billboards, and you know—
make a long story short
we found this company and thought we'd give her a try.
So then we called and made a reservation
and that's when, you know—
long story short—
we just thought— CARTMAN: Aagh!
It's almost 3:00 o'clock.
and the boys are still on the shuttle.
We're getting close! You guys getting psyched?
is that a massive storm is brewing.
Last night Eric Cartman had
Kung Pao spaghetti
from California pizza kitchen.
Inside Eric's stomach, the Kung Pao has
just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast.
It has already started to tear down the layers
of barbecue BK toppers
that had been building up for months.
And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists,
Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew.
The caffeine and sugar turns the soupy fast food liquid
in his stomach into a toxic gas.
When the gas is released,
it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter.
Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage.
Dude, did you fart?
No.
Alright, guys. We're here.
Thank God.
Alright, here we are.
Looks like we've got some good nar
to zipline through today.
Before we climb up and start ziplining
does anyone care to know about this tree's biology?
The tree's biology...?
We are running a little late
but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes.
I think we're good.
I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.
Okay, well this is a ponderosa pine.
It covers a more extensive area than other Americ—
So after "asshole" gets his biology lesson
we finally get to go ziplining.
Alright, remember to keep your hands clear of the cable
and just let your equipment do the work.
Now when you're about halfway down the zipline
the camera's gonna take your picture.
So when I call out "shaka bra"
look up and give the camera a nice "shaka bra"
Alright you ready?
Yeah
Ready to do some zipping?
- Yeah
zipline
Shaka bra!
Woohhoo! Alright! Nice zip!
Well? How was it, Cartman?
It's totally fucking stupid, dude
Aww... really?
Yeah, dude. It's fucking boring as shit!
Alright, Kyle. Gimme a "ZIPLI-I-I-INE!".
zipline
Shaka bra!
It was like having the life sucked out of you.
That's all it is. Sliding down a cable.
Maybe without a tour group it'd be kind of fun
Maybe
But
this was just
a complete disaster.
After a grueling 20 minutes
waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline
the boys realize they have just wasted hours of their time.
And that
is when the unthinkable happens.
Alright guys let's get moving.
Only ten minutes to our next zipline.
The next ziplines?
What are you talking about?
Excuse me, we aren't going back now, are we done?
This is a zipline tour! We got sixteen more to go!
And it was like...
wham!
NO-O-O!
Everyone back in the shuttle!
NO-O-O!
The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare
has only just begun.
Aaahhh!
Anyone have questions
about the creek we're about to cross?
Yes
Aaahh!
♪ Ahh! went the little green frog one day! ♪ ♪ Ahh! went the little green frog! ♪
Ahh!
Let her rip!
ZIPLI-I-I-INE!
Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell
Next zipline's up here. We call it the Terminator!
Uggh!
Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness
with a tour group.
but you know...
to make a long story short
I woke up this morning and—
Could you get another picture of us?
Ahhh!
The fourth graders are in a nightmare
they cannot escape.
I'm so fucking bored!
- Woo! Hoo! - Yeah! Nice zip.
Alright, you goin' next, Ricky?
- Help, help! - Somebody!
- We're trapped!
Somebody help us!
( Kenny weeping )
It's no use
There's nobody around for miles
There could be a helicopter
Maybe one will fly overhead
Face it, Stan! Nobody's coming for us.
- Zipline! - Woo! Hoo!
We should've never listened to you, Kyle
Me?
Yeah, you! In the park this morning?
"I know! Let's all go ziplining. We never done that before!"
Oh no, don't try to pin this on me!
You're the one who brought it up!
I brought it up 'cause you already brought it up!
That's when I realized nobody remembered,
nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea
to go ziplining.
Me!
You fat piece of shit!
Fuck you, Kyle!
Guys! Guys!
Does it really matter whose idea it was?
- Yes! - Yes!
Alright, look. We can make it, you guys.
we can't panic.
If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster.
We are gonna make it out of here, okay?
But what the boys don't realize
is that Eric's body is already shutting down
from stage four diarrhea.
Inside his stomach
bile has just dislodged in Arby's Ultimate Angus.
In the average human
this would only cause mild diarrhea
but Eric Cartman is now drinking
Double Dew
A Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine
of regular Mountain Dew.
His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste.
The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus
and into his underwear.
Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb.
Dude! Did you just shit your pants?
No?
So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving
as fast as possible.
Alright, guys!
This is is where we're gonna break for lunch!
Come in by the waterfall, gang!
Oh no... could we skip lunch and keep going?
Skip a free lunch? Not me!
Who wants sandwiches?
We got turkey
Ham
Turkey ham
( in pain )
You guys, seriously
Something's wrong with my tummy
Then stop drinking Double Dew, fat ass
This is diet Double Dew, Kyle
It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew.
Oh, man. You guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast.
You're in a forest. Go take a crap.
If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle
Hey uhm... I'm so sorry but we have an emergency.
Our friend is really, really sick.
Oh you mean the little kid with the herpes?
Yeah
That's not herpes, it's cold sore.
Right. Sorry.
Yeah, his cold sore is really bad and he's losing blood.
So we gotta go.
Gee, sorry dude, but we're at the summit.
Our only way down is to zip down.
- Zipli-i-i-i-ne!
What about the stables?
Oh yeah, the stables. Ther—
There's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses, I—
I bet they can get you back.
Suddenly... Stan says he knows about some horse stables.
It seemed too good to be true.
Now let me get this straight
you want four horses, one for each of you?
Yes, please!
Well I think we can set you up.
Oh, thank god!
You see, guys? This is gonna be sweet after all.
Step right out here, we'll get you going.
Got four more for ya, Duncan.
- Hi there! - Hello!
Nooo!
Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.
Ahh!
Trapped in a tour group on horseback
that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour.
Can we please go faster?
Go faster!
We got some lunch set up for ya up ahead.
Some turkey sandwiches and diet Double Dew.
So anyway, long story short
I was born in 1953 at 6:00 in the morning.
An attempt to make a bad day better
becomes a descent into madness on:
This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls.
Would ya'll like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?
Well, I certainly would!
EVERYONE: Yeah!
Kyle... Kyle...
Kyle c'mon, wake up!
Just go
Go without me!
No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle!
I can't take it anymore.
Why do people say "long story short"?
They're not making it short, Stan!
I just sat there
watching Kyle die and
I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there
but then this fire rose up inside of me, I...
I thought I can find us a way out.
I ran off and went searching for
I dunno how long. 12 minutes?
and that's when I found it.
You guys! You guys! Get up!
Listen to me,
there's a lake a hundred yards down that way.
They've got a marina with boats just sitting there!
A marina?
We can take a boat, you guys!
We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay.
What's the point?
C'mon you guys, a boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun!
What could possibly go wrong?
Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.
(yelling )
Trapped on a 42-foot power boat
which is only allowed to go 5 miles an hour.
—because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
It's not my diarrhea's fault
that you took us all ziplining
You fucking jew!
Ziplining was your idea, fatass!
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Kenny...
whose idea was it to go ziplining?
Mine or Kyle's?
I don't know, I really don't give a shit.
For four elementary school boys
an already tragic day
becomes a descent into madness on :
(yelling)
Oh no...
you're not stinking up the entire boat
you're taking a crap off the side, into the water!
(grunting)
Ahh!
Beavers!
After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea
and fightings off beavers
the boys have made a terrifying discovery
that boating
is just as boring as ziplining.
The boat went really slow
and it just went round and round.
Aaagghh!
If the boys fall asleep now from the lack of excitement.
They could die.
Here...
everyone drink some Mountain Dew!
I dunno...
I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew the-
- the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake.
I told Cartman he had to share it.
I'm not sharing with Kenny.
He has herpes!
Dude...
Fuck you, Cartman!
Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.
And just when it seems it can't get any worse...
STAN: Kenny?
Kenny!
Kenny McCormick
has died of boredom.
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastards!
No, not they. You!
Look what your ziplining idea's done.
You killed Kenny! You're the bastard!
It wasn't my idea, it was yours!
You killed Kenny, you bastard!
And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I said "stop it"!
Stop it!
It was me!
My idea.
You?
Four days ago,
I came across a brochure for ziplining.
I thought it would be fun.
I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together.
So you intended for us to go ziplining all along?
Why, Stan?
If you signed up three friends
you got a free iPod Nano.
You sold us out
for an iPod Nano?
I had no idea ziplining would be so boring!
You...
you killed Kenny!
You bastard! You bastard, Stan!
(Crying)
How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth?
I guess... one.
The hardest part about it is
knowing you can't take it back.
I mean
it was a fifth generation nano so I can't trade it in anywhere!
But then miraculously
the boys prayers are finally answered.
CARTMAN: It was a miracle
he came to save us and take us back home.
- You came for us! - Mister Hankey!
Thank you, Mister Hankey
(in a deep voice)Howdy hoe, boys
Let's get you back home.
We were saved.
It was over.
After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness
the boys are finally going home.
From the boat the boys were airlifted
aboard Mister Hankey's magical heli-crap-tor
In the four hours since they had left home
the boys had travelled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them
on his 7-turdy-7.
From there it was only an hour ride back home
on the Poochoo express.
Four friends torn apart by tragedy
would now start the long journey back
to forgiveness,
Kenny McCormicks remains
were finally brought home to his parents
and the boys received treatment
for their herpes.
No, I didn't get herpes I just had a cold sore.
Kyle Broflovski spent twenty-seven days in the hospital
having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages.
Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness
about the boredom risks of ziplining.
His awareness videos became so popular
that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego.
As for Eric Cartman he refused to let the tragedy
stop him from doing what he loves most.
In just two weeks, he was back to drinking diet Double Dew.
Defiant to do the math.
It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea.
Sync & corrections by MakiVano for www.addic7ed.com