[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER COMMS]
MAN 1 [ON COMMS]: Copy that, Starbase 40.
Enterprise will enter transporter range in 10 seconds. Stand by.
MAN 2: Beaming to Enterprise.
Stand by.
Energizing.
WOMAN: Highlighting the urgent need for the kind of quantum stochastic models
of salvo analysis...
Pause.
Should be right...
now.
Resume.
Proposed in this memorandum...
Sir, Ensign Spock, S179-276SP, reporting for duty.
Welcome aboard, ensign.
- How was your trip out to Starbase 40? - Uneventful, sir.
No need to shout, Ensign Spock.
No, sir.
You've been on this ship exactly 37 seconds, ensign,
and you haven't asked a single question.
Not what I expect from a science officer.
I expect you to barrage every crewman you meet with questions,
starting with me, to the point you become an annoyance.
You have until I reach that turbolift. Go.
What is your name, sir?
Just call me Number One.
Sir, what is your opinion
of the Onafuwa model of combat salvo analysis
compared to the traditional neo-Wayne model?
I find it problematic.
Ensign...
how would you like to see the Bridge?
Bridge.
You had Onafuwa for Fundamentals of Quantum Stochastics
and Advanced, One and Two, and seminar, and received top marks.
Indeed. I found it quite...
Brutal?
Yes.
Onafuwa is a monster.
But such a brilliant monster.
And of course the subject matter is...
- fascinating. - Fascinating.
COMPUTER: Computer error. Manual control unavailable.
WOMAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Engineering. - Upjohn, this is Number One.
We have failure in Turbolift 6 and I can't get manual override.
On it, sir. Engineering out.
People don't talk in elevators.
I have observed that, sir.
This may take some time. Let's not waste it.
Keep up the questions.
What are the three most salient facts about Captain Pike?
One, his capacity for hearing out another point of view
is exceeded only by his willingness to change his own
once he's heard you out.
Two, even though
he is the most heavily decorated fighting captain in Starfleet,
he views resorting to force as an admission of failure.
And three...
he is utterly unsentimental.
Except when it comes to horses.
He is sentimental about large herbivorous terrestrial mammals?
Just stay away from the topic, is my advice.
You have made a most careful study of the captain.
Upjohn!
Sorry, sir, we're isolating the problem.
It's either the secondary induction coil, or a glitch in the path routing,
or the brakes. Definitely one of those three—
Which version of the 0.S. are the ship's computers running?
Thirty-six-dot-eleven-dot-four.
I took a look at the bosun sampling of code.5.
In my opinion, it...
- Iacks elegance. - Lacks elegance.
Indeed.
Do the food synthesizers use the Gupta or the Katzman glucose matrix?
We use the Una matrix.
Essentially a Gupta-Katzman hybrid.
It's more reliable than either,
and the results are both more nutritious and more palatable.
- Your name is Una. - That isn't a question, ensign.
My name is Number One.
Have you ever considered that the Prime Directive
is not only not ethical, but also illogical,
and perhaps morally indefensible?
No, Spock, I have not, and for the sake of your own sanity,
might I suggest you cease doing so immediately. Next.
Have you considered that the ubiquity of mathematical constants...?
such as "E" or the so-called golden ratio...
decline of the universe was designed...
perhaps an enormous simulation?
- Am I becoming an annoyance? - Just starting to get a bit heavy.
Do you like eggplant?
Give me a boost, ensign.
You know, hoist me up.
On your knees, Spock.
All right, it's unlocked.
Upjohn, I opened the service hatch. What should I look for?
You'll want to move aside the fan housing.
You'll see a small black microbox and a blue diode.
Pull it out to see if the contacts are clean.
All right. Next question, Spock.
Have you ever made firsthand observations
of a triple-mode high-amplitude Delta Scuti star?
Yes.
My first deep-space cruise on Enterprise
took us to within a half light-year of 99 Pegasi.
I am envious.
You should be.
I can't begin to tell you what a— Aah!
UPJOHN: Number One, are you all right?
I don 't know what happened.
Number One?
We're fine.
Glad to hear it.
So what we're gonna do, sir,
is have Lieutenant Amin rappel down the turboshaft from Deck 9.
She's a champion climber and she's ready to go.
Just as soon as we locate the belaying rig.
Seems like nobody's seen it since the Ling Plateau rescue mission.
But l—
Any more questions, ensign?
- No, sir. I am sorry. - Fair enough.
Then I have one for you.
When you beamed aboard, ensign, were you smiling?
I didn't know that was something Vulcans could do.
I must admit, I found the sight a bit disconcerting.
Duly noted.
In the future, I will be careful to avoid smiling.
No. The strength of a Starfleet crew is in its diversity and differences.
I would never ask a crewmember to suppress or conceal their nature.
I do think one must be aware, however,
of how one is perceived by one's comrades.
Not because you're half-Vulcan.
But this is the advice I'd give to anyone whose ultimate goal is command.
- That is not my goal, sir. - Bullshit.
No one endures two solid years
of Onafuwa on quantum-stochastic combat modeling
because they wanna sling a tricorder for the rest of their lives.
And if you wanna command...
you're gonna have to learn to keep your freaky to yourself.
Even if that's painful.
l have been doing that all my life.
And it is.
I know.
Do you?
Then that leads to a logical next question.
All right, ensign.
I'll show you.
[SINGING] I am the very model Of a modern major-general
I've information vegetable Animal and mineral
I know the kings of England And I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo In order categorical
I'm very well acquainted too With matters mathematical
I understand equations Both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem lam teeming with a lot of news
With many cheerful facts About the square of the hypotenuse
Many cheerful facts about the square Of the hypoten-potenuse
I'm very good at integral And differential calculus
I know the scientific names Of beings animalculous
In short, in matters Vegetable, animal and mineral
I am the very model Of a modern major-general
[SINGING] In short, in matters Vegetable, animal and mineral
You are the very model Of a modern major-general!
[BANGING] It's Lieutenant Amin.
Hang on, I'll have you out of there straightaway.
AMIN: I swear I heard her laughing in there.
You will forget this.
I want there to be a hole in your memory where this once was.
That is an order.
[WHISPERING] On your honor,
as a Starfleet officer, Ensign Spock, swear.
I swear on my honor as a Starfleet officer, sir.
Folks ready to go?
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
That the new boot?
Yes.
That'd be Ensign...
Spock, sir.
- Spock. At ease, ensign. - Not my strong suit, sir.
I understand.
Do Vulcans ever feel awe, Spock?
They do, captain.
But they tend to keep it to themselves.