Captain's log, stardate 42859.2.
We're in orbit around Antede III, awaiting the arrival of two dignitaries.
Our mission is to escort them to a conference on planet Pacifica,
where they will be given the opportunity to join the Federation.
I thought you might find this interesting, Mr. Crusher.
Few humans have seen an Antedean in the flesh.
Welcome.
I'm Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Enterprise.
- Are they all right, sir? - Yes.
This is their preferred way of space travel.
Their physical condition is good enough,
considering the circumstances.
It is a self-induced catatonic state.
Their way of dealing with the trauma of space flight.
Will we try to revive them?
No, not until we reach the Pacifica conference three days from now.
Doctor, have you prepared a Sickbay facility
to accommodate our guests?
As soon as I can make some adjustments.
Their physiology is unusual.
You can store them for a few hours?
Sure. I'll have them kept here, out of the way.
- Mr. Worf, provide security. - Aye, sir.
What's in that container?
Vermicula. It's their food.
When they come out of stasis, they'll be very hungry.
- They eat this? - In great quantities.
What a handsome race.
So, what did you think of the Antedeans, Wesley?
They are rather strange-looking, commander.
Judging a being by its physical appearance
is the last major human prejudice, Wesley.
The point is well-taken, Mr. Data.
I'm sure that to the Antedeans we are equally unattractive.
Captain, we're being hailed
by a small transport vessel just coming into range.
Oh, my God.
What's the problem?
What's she doing here?
On-screen, captain.
Starship Enterprise, come in.
We have you on viewer, pilot.
Enterprise, I have a passenger.
A VIP passenger who I'm ordered to take—
Oh, let me talk to them. I'm sure I'm more articulate than that.
Mother.
Captain, we are receiving Starfleet orders granting a Lwaxana—
Lwaxana Troi, daughter of the Fifth House,
holder of the sacred Chalice of Rixx, heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed.
Full ambassadorial status, sir.
It looks like it's back into that dress uniform, sir.
And yours as well, commander.
She is listed as representing the Betazed government
at the conference.
Mother, please, don't do this to me.
Do what to you, little one?
Oh, Jean-Luc, what naughty thoughts.
But how wonderful you still think of me like that.
Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds,
to seek out new life and new civilizations,
to boldly go where no one has gone before.
It's so like my mother to do the unexpected.
Oh, it will be pleasant to have her as a guest of the Enterprise again.
Energize.
Legs! Where are the legs?
Where they belong, Mother. Right under you.
Oh, I hate that.
I will never completely trust this device, Jean-Luc.
Captain Picard, Mother.
Explain to her.
I'm sorry they startled you, Mrs. Troi. They're Antedean delegates.
They're being stored here temporarily.
Delegates?
Last time I saw something like that, it was being served on a plate.
Oh, darling.
Ah.
Well, well, well.
And you, Jean-Luc, I wasn't aware you had such handsome legs.
My valet is waiting. You may beam him aboard now.
You remember Mr. Homn, of course.
It would be hard to forget Mr. Homn.
I retained his services despite the outlandishly lustful thoughts
he spews in my direction.
You can put that down, Homn.
We can't deny the captain the honor of carrying my belongings.
I will not interfere with Mr. Homn's duties this time.
Oh, now that's not what you're really thinking, Jean-Luc.
You forget I'm a telepath.
Mrs. Troi, since this is obviously significant to you,
I'll...
I'll carry it.
Just down this corridor.
He has nice legs too, little one. Is he still yours?
Humans no longer own each other that way, Mother.
Really?
That's a custom we may have to introduce again.
Thank you.
Glad to help.
Well, I trust you will be comfortable here.
- If you will excuse me. - Uh...
I am serving a Betazoid dinner of greeting tonight, captain.
It is an ambassadorial function.
It sounds delightful.
He's a fine man.
Solid. Reliable.
He's a little bit on the stuffy side but, all in all, he's not that bad.
I can't believe you, Mother.
You sound like you're sizing up a commodity.
But that's exactly what men are, darling, especially human men.
Was your father ever unhappy with me?
No. He worshiped you.
But I don't think I'll ever learn to see men the way you do.
You will as you mature, darling.
And the men in your life are going to bless you for it.
You're so beautiful.
Then she actually complimented Captain Picard on his legs?
I would have thought a telepath would be more discreet, sir.
Exactly the opposite. She knows what's on your mind,
and she lets you know what's on hers.
Gentlemen.
I think we must not lose sight of the fact
that we are talking about someone
who has been granted ambassadorial rank.
Even though she may appear somewhat eccentric,
Lwaxana Troi must be treated with the appropriate respect.
Is that understood?
Picard to Pulaski.
Yes, captain.
When did you last look in on the Antedean guests?
Doing so right now, captain.
Are they still catatonic?
Status of the beings is unchanged.
Pulse still steady.
Respiration, normal for them.
Understood. Keep me informed. Picard out.
I'll be in my quarters.
It will be a dress-uniform dinner, gentlemen.
Sir?
To which dinner was the captain referring, sir?
Nothing I've been invited to. Any of you?
Very interesting.
Doctor?
You're not attending the dinner with the rest of us this evening?
Well, I've already eaten but, thanks, captain.
I seem to be a little early.
I'm sure the others will be here soon.
The other officers? Commander Riker, Counselor Troi?
Hello, Jean-Luc.
So glad you could come.
A toast, to Earth men, who, despite their many faults,
have that unique ability to charm women of all races
in all corners of the galaxy.
Speaking on behalf of men of Earth,
which is indeed an awesome responsibility, I thank you.
I know what you're thinking, captain.
You do?
You're wondering whether I'm seeing any other men on a serious basis.
Well, actually, I wasn't...
I wouldn't worry about it, Jean-Luc.
Competition seems to bring out the best in the human male.
The fact is, I, um...
I was not expecting this setting.
I had assumed that my senior Bridge officers would be attending.
You never assume anything where Lwaxana Troi is concerned.
Betazoid women are full of surprises.
Oh, strange.
I'm not really very hungry tonight.
I wonder what's made me lose my appetite.
Any ideas?
Of course. You're giving thanks for your food.
I had forgotten about that.
I wonder how many other cultures have similar customs.
I don't know.
Well, let's find out.
Commander Data?
Yes, captain?
Mrs. Troi and I are having a very interesting discussion
about various societies' ways of giving thanks.
The Betazoids' use of the chime, for instance.
The use of the chime is quite unique but not at all dissimilar
to the Oolans of Marejaretus VI, who use two large stones
which are continuously struck together during the meal.
Those at the dinner must eat until the stones are broken.
Or the oligarchy at Atifs IV which requires a—
Data, this is fascinating. Don't you agree, Mrs. Troi?
Commander, if your duties permit, why don't you join us for dessert?
I'm sure that Mrs. Troi would much appreciate
- the pleasure of your company. - What?
Indeed, sir. I'm on my way. Data out.
How could you possibly think
I would wanna share our special time together
with that robot of yours?
Because of Data's wonderful after-dinner conversation.
His anecdotes are the stuff of legends aboard this ship.
So by using the square root of pi,
and multiplying it by nine to the third power,
I was able to accurately calculate the distance
between the Omicron system and the Crab Nebula.
Oh. Ah.
Fascinating, Data. Absolutely fascinating.
I'm sure Mrs. Troi would love to hear the one
about the anomalous chemical composition of, um, brown dwarf stars.
- Not really. - Yes, captain.
That is a particularly spellbinding subject.
In most stars, the rare Earth element europium
is enriched relative to samarium and gadolinium.
- That so? - It is. However...
Your mother seems quite an interesting woman, Deanna.
Hm. Perhaps I should tell you something
about my mother's condition at this time.
Condition at this time?
It's something that occurs to Betazed females
as they enter mid-life.
We call it the Phase.
Mid-life as in a human female's menopause?
Similar. It's only at mid-life that a Betazoid female becomes,
well, fully sexual, if you know what I mean.
Yes, I think I do.
I also think that I saw the captain on his way to her quarters.
I wonder if I shouldn't warn him?
No. As ship's doctor, I'd consider it an excellent exercise
for his reflexes and agility.
Doctor.
For staying ahead of your mother.
Yes.
An animal is always at its best when hunted.
Or when hunting.
And at this point, the second co-orbital satellite
avoids a collision with the first.
Deanna, darling, thank the four deities you're here.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No. I must, as a matter of fact, be getting back to the Bridge.
Captain, perhaps I should remain and further entertain our guest.
No. I mean, I'm sure you're needed on the Bridge as well.
Well, thank you for a delicious meal.
We must do this again sometime.
I know we will.
Well, little one,
the captain is every bit as charming as your father was.
Mm.
Data, you will never know how much I owe you for that.
Indeed, captain?
I know many more interesting anecdotes, sir.
- For example— - Data.
- Sir? - Later.
Yes, sir.
Why would you come aboard at a time like this?
Why, I had no choice. I was going to Pacifica, you were going to Pacifica.
Don't be absurd, Mother. You knew what would happen.
What stage is it in?
Oh, I have it completely under control.
What stage is it in?
Well, far enough along for me to enjoy it, little one.
Now I know why you wore that dress.
Wha—? Don't be ridiculous. This simple little dress?
Nothing provocative about it.
What are we going to do?
Well, I'm going to do the only honorable thing there is to do.
And I'd say your captain has the inside track.
Mother, don't even think it.
Why not? He was thinking about it all through dinner.
I was what?
I tell you, Deanna,
for a telepath, your mother's accuracy leaves much to be desired.
Actually, her telepathic prowess is quite advanced.
- Except for now. - Except for now?
Don't misunderstand me, counselor.
Your mother is a beautiful person.
My mother is beginning a physiological phase.
It's one that all Betazoid women must deal with as they enter mid-life.
Yes, it's something Troi warned me about
when we first started to see each other.
A Betazoid woman, when she goes through this Phase,
quadruples her sex drive.
- Or more. - Or more?
- You never told me that. - I didn't want to frighten you.
She has opted for the only dignified option open to her.
Isolation.
She has decided to focus all her sexual energy on one male,
who will, of course, eventually become her husband.
It seems, captain, that you are the early favorite.
Congratulations, sir.
I'm not amused, Number One.
There must be some way to convince her
that it's quite impossible,
without offending her.
You cannot apply human-style logic to this, captain.
A Betazoid woman in the Phase would be shocked and deeply resentful
should you spurn any such advances.
She would take it personally.
Well, under the circumstances,
I think it would be prudent
if I were to make myself less available
for the duration of the journey.
Agreed.
Setting, San Francisco, California, United States of America.
The year, 1941 AD.
The office of Dixon Hill, private investigator.
Program complete. You may enter when ready.
Hi, Dix.
Madeline.
Good to see you again.
You're too much, Dix.
You make it sound like you ain't seen me in a year.
You got two calls. They're on your desk.
- New cases? - Are you kidding?
The last time we had a new case, Hitler and Stalin were bosom buddies.
The landlord came by.
He wants the geetus or he wants you out.
- The geetus? - The moola, Dix, the rent.
And since we're on the subject, it's been a month since I've seen anything.
I know it's been tough since you got out of the hospital,
but I got responsibilities.
Then I suppose I had better get a case.
It wouldn't hurt.
Unavailable? Ship's business?
You mean ship's business takes precedence over me?
- I'm afraid so, Mother. - Oh.
Well, he was too old for me anyway.
Homn.
Perhaps we should consider my alternate plan.
Alternate plan?
Oh, you worry too much, little one.
Your mother has the situation well in hand.
There's a gentleman here to see you, Mr. Hill.
And he doesn't look like a client.
Hill, the name is Slade Bender.
Excuse me.
What can I do for you, Mr. Bender?
It's about Alva.
You'll have to be a little more precise.
Okay, you wanna play stupid. That's jake with me.
A week ago a man came in here.
He wanted you to find his girlfriend, name's Alva?
Did I find her?
You know, you're getting on my nerves.
You found her, all right, facedown in the river.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah. Yeah, we're all broken up about it.
Especially the boyfriend, who's been indicted for murder.
And what are you here to do? Ask for a refund?
No, I'm here to kill you.
Computer, freeze program!
Computer, this isn't what I wanted at all.
It's much too violent. I'm here to relax, not to dodge bullets.
Reconfigure.
Please define.
Um... More ambience. Less substance.
Do you wish to leave the holodeck and re-enter
or continue from this point?
No. I will continue.
Program complete. You may continue.
There's a gentleman here to see you, Mr. Hill.
Thank you, Madeline.
You a private dick?
That's what it says on my door.
Is that supposed to be funny?
Because if it is,
you gotta know that I ain't in the mood for funny.
Now, I came here on serious business.
There's a job I want you to do for me.
Computer, freeze program.
Clear.
Computer, this still isn't right.
One kind of violence is being substituted for another.
Reconfigure.
- You may continue. - Thank you.
You're through ducking me, Hill!
Computer, freeze program!
Variations on a theme.
Computer, perhaps I am not clearly defining my intent.
The flexibility of the program is limited to the parameters
of the Dixon Hill novels.
Yes.
Of course.
Even in this state, they possess a certain dignity,
a graceful countenance.
If you say so, lieutenant.
I see.
Is this how you felt when you first saw me?
Well,
maybe at first, a little.
But now that I've seen more Klingons,
I've come to think you're handsome for a Klingon.
That didn't quite come out the way I meant, sir.
I still say they look better in sauce.
When will the good captain revive them?
- Not until we reach Pacifica, ma'am. - Oh.
You seem a fine boy.
One day you'll grow up to be a big, strong man,
but I'm afraid I cannot afford to wait for you to mature.
Now that's more like it.
Your thoughts, they're primal, savage.
I like that in a man.
I am not a man.
Oh, which is in your favor,
men so often being irrational and egotistical.
But, unfortunately, I've grown accustomed to human companionship.
Pity.
You'd have made a fine choice.
Well, who is next, Mr. Homn?
Ah, yes. Well, let's do it.
I'm not getting any younger.
What was that all about?
So, Madeline, I'll see you later.
Activate program.
- Leaving, Dix? - Uh-huh.
You're not going to Rex's Bar, are you?
Rex's Bar. Why do you ask?
It's one of the messages I left on your desk.
Oh, that sounds like an excellent idea.
Would you care to join me?
Me? Have a drink with you?
- Why not? - There ain't no "why not" about it.
It's just that this is the first time you ever asked.
- Is that a problem? - Not for me.
But you better take this.
Why?
Because if we're going to Rex's Bar, you're gonna need it.
Hey, Dix, what do you know and what do you say?
See this?
Germany's getting ready to invade England.
- Who's gonna stop them? - Somebody better.
Just as long as it isn't us.
The last thing America needs to do is fight in another world war.
Actually, the Second World War, although disastrous, did end
with the United States taking its place as a dominant world power
and cultural influence in the second half of the 20th century.
Additionally, that war was a catalyst of technological advancement.
Developments in rocketry and fission resonate on into the 24th century.
I don't know if I should pour you one, Dix.
It sounds like you got a snootful already.
- What's this? - The usual.
Aha. Ah, yes. Now let me see, that would be Scotch, neat.
What else?
And for the lady?
Rye and ginger.
Money. I keep forgetting the need to carry money.
I must remember not to let this happen again.
Right. I don't mind you being on the cuff,
but you're up the sleeve halfway to my collar.
Is that why you wanted to see me? About my bar bill?
No. It's on account of Jimmy Cuzzo.
Jimmy Cuzzo. I know that name.
He's why I gave you the gun.
What was the name of that case he was involved in?
The Parrot's Claw.
Jeez, Dix. Cuzzo's the guy who iced Marty O'Farron.
They never would've nailed him if it hadn't been for you.
Your testimony got him arranged.
Yeah, yours and mine.
So you brought me here because you didn't want to face him alone.
I don't wanna face him at all.
I'm hoping that seeing us together will slow him up
long enough to get some things straight.
And if it doesn't?
Then you'll just have to kill him.
Bridge, this is Dr. Pulaski.
We've just completed the transfer.
The Antedeans are now in Sickbay.
Acknowledged, doctor.
Mother, what are you doing here?
You can't just stroll onto the Bridge whenever you feel like it.
I didn't just stroll on, dear.
I took that turbo-tube or whatever you call it.
The captain's not here?
- He is busy elsewhere, ma'am. - Oh.
Well, I have other interests as well.
You're scheming something, Mother.
Don't try to fool me. I can tell.
You're always so melodramatic, little one.
I'm not scheming. I'm deciding.
- Mother, not him. - And why not him?
He's adorable.
- Pulaski to Bridge. - Riker here.
The Antedeans are coming around.
They are currently in the early stages of post-hibernation.
How long until they're fully conscious?
I'd guess it to be a matter of hours now.
Very well. I'll inform the captain.
If you'll excuse me, ma'am.
You're going to see the captain?
But I thought he was tied up on ship's business.
In a manner of speaking, he is. I'm not disturbing him.
I'll just give him the message.
Oh.
Excellent timing.
- You may also inform him about us. - Us?
You don't mind if I let our ship's crew know first, do you, William?
Friends, dear friends, you are all invited
to a prestigious occasion on the planet Pacifica.
- No. - There,
on the shores of the western sea,
in a traditional Betazoid ceremony,
your Commander Riker and I will be joined in the union of matrimony.
Married?
Until death us do part.
Mrs. Troi, I don't know how to tell you this...
Oh, I know how you feel, dear. You're overwhelmed with excitement.
Oh, believe me, I understand.
We'll talk about the details later.
Right now there are preparations to be made.
Why did you stop me? Somebody needs to set her straight.
- I think I'll leave that to the captain. - Coward.
Commander.
Are you planning on going into the holodeck?
I thought I might. Would you like to join me?
Could you postpone our departure for just five minutes, sir?
No problem.
You said you had responsibilities. What exactly did you mean?
You know about my mother's cousin,
the girl from San Antonio I told you about?
Jimmy.
I'm as jumpy as Haircut Lapinski trying to land on a fraction.
Sorry to bother you, captain.
- Captain? - Call me Dix.
Sorry to bother you, Dix, but our two passengers have awakened.
- Oh, then it's time for me to go. - What about Jimmy Cuzzo?
You can't leave Rex to face him alone.
I'll be back before Jimmy Cuzzo arrives.
I guarantee it will be taken care of. Just relax.
Your friends have time for one drink, haven't they, Dix?
Oh, yes, of course. One more round.
These are my associates. This is Nails from Chicago,
- and this is, uh...? - Carlos.
From South America.
This is Madeline, my secretary, and I want you to meet Rex.
You know, I don't think I ever heard your last name.
Hm. Don't think I have one. Just Rex, that's all.
So, fellas, tell me your troubles.
Well, troubles, we've got some, captain.
It seems a certain woman, both wealthy and beautiful,
now thinks that she's going to marry me.
She's got looks and bucks?
Sounds like you've got yourself one heck of a deal.
Oh, my fiance just has to see how I look in this.
Come along, Homn.
Hello, Computer?
Is Commander Riker still on the Bridge?
Negative. Riker is currently in Holodeck 3.
Holodeck? Where is that?
Follow the com panel lights. They will lead you there.
Oh? Oh.
Oh!
Good God, what's that?
I bet that's the broad with the big bucks.
Hey, come on over here, darling.
I've got the best stool in the house saved for you.
So this is where you've been hiding, Jean-Luc.
I'm surprised you let this part of the ship get this dirty.
Oh, relax, commander.
You've been making your true feelings quite clear.
Obviously, you feel unable to handle me.
Anyway, why would a beautiful, high-class lady like yourself
wanna hook up with a mug like that?
You're too good for him, if you ask me.
You are a very interesting person.
You're not so bad yourself.
In fact, you're as much class as this joint's ever seen.
Here.
On the house. It's French.
Well, almost.
This is the most remarkable man. I've never met anyone like him.
I don't suppose you have.
He's strong.
I get no thoughts from him at all, nothing.
I've never known a man so able
to keep his true feelings completely hidden.
- That's because— - No man has ever
been such a mystery to me.
I usually know their thoughts before they do.
But not with me, huh?
No.
And I never realized how erotic that could be.
Um...
Carry my beverage to that table.
We have some things to discuss.
Should we tell her?
I think it would be only fair,
but let's allow her the moment.
- Food, food. - Food, food.
Worf, the vermicula.
- Food, food, food. - Food, food, food.
Pulaski to Captain Picard.
Go ahead, doctor.
Our passengers are on their feet.
- Understood. - I'd better get to the Bridge.
What's their condition?
Hungry.
Would you like to be shown to your rooms?
Are you coming, Mrs. Troi?
Uh, not just yet.
Tell William that I'm sorry,
but Rex and I are getting married.
Mrs. Troi, your government expects me to deliver you
to the conference on time,
and that's what I intend to do.
It's a pity.
Duty calls, darling.
But I'll be back for you later.
Mrs. Troi, there is something you ought to know about Rex.
Oh?
Imagine.
Allowing me to go on like that with that man.
Who doesn't even exist.
But you always say you like surprises, Mother.
Hm.
Why are they still here?
Since you're going to the conference, you might beam down with delegates.
Oh, they're not delegates. Those two are assassins.
That is an outrage. Lies.
We demand you transport us at once.
Don't bother to deny it.
Your minds are so unsophisticated I can read your thoughts in my sleep.
Oh, their robes are lined with ultritium.
Highly explosive, virtually undetectable by your transporter.
She is correct, sir.
I am detecting large amounts of ultritium.
Of course you are. They were planning on blowing up the entire conference.
Mr. Worf, take them to Level 5.
Disarm them. Hold them for questioning.
Aye, sir.
Hm.
Ah, well, I didn't find a mate, but I did save the conference,
as well as your reputations.
All in a day's work, I suppose.
Goodbye, Mrs. Troi.
And thank you.
Energize, Chief O'Brien.
Jean-Luc, shame on you for thinking such a thing.