We're off!
Morticia, why are you sitting there?
I'm all dressed. Lurch is waiting outside in the car. We're all set.
- We are? - But this is the night
we look forward to all year. The night the bats come back to Capistrano.
- Give them my regards. - Dear, this is our great fun night.
- Listen. - Fun, fun, fun.
- There's more to life than just fun. - There is?
A person must contribute something to the world.
I contribute plenty. Have you seen my tax bills?
Darling, you don't understand. I want to do something creative.
My dear, you are creative. You are a creative mother, a creative cook.
- And above all, a creative lover. - Pish-tosh. What does that all add up to?
I'll tell you what it all adds up to. It adds up to la dolce vita. Not bad, eh?
Gomez, listen to me, a life must have some fulfillment.
I want to do something artistic, that the world will remember.
Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know.
You could develop a new strain of henbane, like Luther Burbank.
Take some grapes and cross them with poison oak.
No, darling, I'm tired of breeding plants.
Look, I crossed daffodils with roses, and what did I get?
- More petals. - Dress designer.
No one knows more about fashion than you, my dear.
Oh, sweet Gomez. But am I not more than merely a seamstress?
Yes, it should be something big, like Madame Curie, Louis Pasteur,
Bluebeard, Michelangelo.
Michelangelo, that's it.
He was a painter, and then a sculptor.
- I am a painter, and now... - That's right!
- All you need is a hammer and chisel. - And a rock.
- Oh, I can hardly wait to get started. - Neither can I.
Ready?
Lurch?
Right this way, Lurch. Good man.
Good... Careful on the steps.
That's it. Right over here, now.
Don't drop it or Mrs. Addams will have her studio in the basement.
There we are.
Thank you, Lurch.
Fester, have you got the hammer and chisel?
Here they are, but it's only a loan.
I need them for my correspondence course.
- Correspondence course? In what? - Brain surgery.
Where is the discus?
Thank you, Thing.
Ready, querida.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
Rock, rock, beautiful rock.
I got it for you myself, knowing that only you could do justice to it.
I think I'll do an abstract.
Well, then we'll get Cousin Vague to pose for you.
He's about as abstract as you can get.
Oh, no, darling. For an abstract,
I'm going to do it right out of my own little head.
- Now, sponge. - Sponge.
- Hammer. - Hammer.
- Chisel. - Chisel.
Already, I feel like a different woman.
By george, Morticia, what wonders you've accomplished in a short three months.
It does have a certain je ne sais quoi.
Tish, that's French. You know it drives me wild.
Darling, you almost made me ruin my masterpiece.
Oh, sorry.
Now, then.
I'm right in the middle of that left eye.
Perfect!
No, that was the whole eye.
Luckily, he has three.
Come and get it. Lunch break.
- When are you gonna start? - Start?
- Uncle Fester, I'm almost finished. - Fester, don't be a clod.
- Don't you know art when you see it? - I know a rock when I see it.
Oh, it was ever thus. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
- Perhaps you're standing too close. - Yes, why don't you back up a bit.
How's it now?
- Well? - Well...
Hey, from here it looks great.
Well, darling, what do you think?
Leonardo da Vinci never did anything like that.
Oh, I wonder what Mr. Bosley Swain will say.
Being the city's leading art critic, what else can he say, but...
Just a moment, Bosley. If you have any suggestions, speak up.
Well, as a matter of fact, I do have a suggestion.
Bore a hole in it, put in a few sticks of dynamite
- and blow it sky-high. - Is that your final word?
No, I have one more.
Goodbye.
Darling, what did Mr. Swain say?
He was too overcome with emotion to discuss it, but he did show a lot of feeling.
That's a most wonderful compliment.
My, you are a nervous one today.
Why don't you just tell Morticia she's a flop?
And break her fragile little heart? What do you take me for, Fester?
A Rasputin?
We must convince her somehow that statue's a success.
Somebody must be interested enough to buy it.
All right, I'll buy it.
No, I haven't got a dime.
Why don't you buy it?
For a stupid suggestion, Fester, that's positively brilliant.
I'll hire some broken-down art-dealer to buy it.
I'll put up the money, Morticia will be delighted,
the money goes back in the bank, and everybody's happy.
For a brilliant idea, that's pretty stupid.
Where're you gonna find an art dealer
that's crummy enough to do a thing like that?
Simple, I'll hire Sam Picasso, the crummiest art dealer in America.
- Shapeless mess? - Look deeper, that's an abstract.
That...
I have seen better abstract made by a chain gang.
I'm not asking you to criticize it, Picasso, just buy it.
Not even with your money.
Don't you understand? I will not sell my soul.
There'll be a $200 fee.
At those prices...
I like a man with integrity. I wish I knew one.
Now, there's your $200.
Plus $50,000 to buy the statue.
You keep all of your money in the drawer?
Just petty cash. Big stuff's upstairs in the mattress.
Mr. Picasso, my husband's been telling me about you.
That's a lie. I run an honest gallery.
My dear, Mr. Picasso was just telling me how much he likes your statue.
Oh?
Ah, yes, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever."
That's Keats.
Now tell me, how much do you like my statue?
Picasso, start with a reasonable offer, or the deal's off.
That's an idea.
Come back here and face this like a man.
My dear, Mr. Picasso has just had a change of heart.
He remembers he has a rich buyer.
Undoubtedly a man of exquisite taste.
All right, let's get it settled.
All right, $50,000?
That's a nice round figure.
- It's a steal. - Petty larceny.
- Your money, senora. - Thank you.
Please excuse me.
- What's going on in here? - Morticia just sold her statue.
- Well, how about that? - Yes, and now I'll have to name it.
Let's see...
I think I'll call it Miracle of the Ages.
Like from the Stone Ages.
Well, I'll take the $50,000, my dear. That mattress could use a little stuffing.
Oh, no, darling, I earned this money with my own hands.
And I'm going to use it to help aspiring artists like myself.
Morticia, that's ridiculous! I mean, you're not gonna give them $50,000?
Why, of course not. This is just the first installment.
From now on, every penny I make goes to help starving art students.
Darling.
What are you gonna do now, moneybags?
What any level-headed man would do.
Shoot myself.
Clatsworthy, you're my business manager. Of course you can speak freely.
Well, not that freely. So my bank account's overdrawn. Who cares?
It makes my wife happy.
It makes the bank unhappy?
I'll just have to raise some more cash. But I'll tell you one thing, Clatsworthy.
I'm changing banks. I don't like dealing with spoilsports.
I'll say one thing about Morticia, she's got drive and she's quite a chiseler.
Enough to drive me to bankruptcy.
I'm being forced to dispose of some of my most valuable assets.
My game preserve in Nairobi.
Bamboo plantation in Bali.
What hurts most of all, a savings and loan in Siberia.
You'd better call Blooker the broker
and have him dispose of my Consolidated Fuzz.
You know, if you were smart, you'd hold on to your Consolidated Fuzz
- and sell your AT&T. - It's not just the prices
she's getting from Picasso, it's the cost of all that rock.
What's that thing she's making in there now?
Can't you tell? It's the head of a dinosaur.
- Or is it the foot? - How many has she sold?
I've lost count.
You broke it.
- Mr. Picasso? - Well, of course.
You were expecting some bum?
Follow me.
And if you will behave yourself, I might give you a very big tip.
Mr. Picasso.
You're just in time to view my latest work.
Senora, I can hardly wait.
I call it Motherhood.
Why not?
When this will be displayed, all the mothers in the world will be after you...
After it.
Oh, then you think it's worth something?
$30,000 if it's worth a nickel.
I just won't sell it for more than $2,000.
I have finished several others.
Then for this one I will give you $40,000.
Not a penny more than $3,000.
I call this My Afternoon of an Evening.
I couldn't bear to part with it for less than $45,000.
It's a bargain.
Those starving artists must be eating better than I am.
And this is my master masterpiece.
I call it World War II.
- $80,000? - $75,000.
How about that? You saved $5,000.
- Throw them in the truck with the others. - Where are you taking them?
The Tip Top Quarry. You know they pay me $30 a ton.
Those scoundrels!
I buy my rocks at Tip Top and they charge me $100 a ton.
But I return the rocks damaged. Speaking of money, Senor Gomez,
you know, I will be needing some, if you want me to buy more of the masterpieces.
- Can't you bargain a little? - You want me to insult an artist?
- That's no artist, that's my wife. - It's only money.
Well, Gomez, so far you're batting zero.
Never mind my batting average, it's my bank balance that's falling so fast.
- It's time I put an end to all this. - You're gonna tell Morticia the truth?
Exactly.
But first I'm gonna tell her a few more lies.
- Do hurry, Lurch. I must get back to work. - Yes, Mrs. Addams.
You're a very good grinder, Lurch, almost as good as Mama.
Dear Mama. Her great-great-great- grandmother sharpened guillotines.
Dear old Great-Great-Grandmother Slice.
The belle of the French Revolution.
Oh, Gomez, you're just in time. May I, dear?
Anything.
- Well, back to work. - Morticia, wait.
Wait? When art is calling?
Well, you can't keep up this mad pace.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Pale, wan, sunken-cheeked.
Yes, sculpting does agree with me.
Believe me, you're working yourself to death.
Well, then, my prices will go up.
Look at it another way. You're flooding the market.
Darling, Mr. Picasso doesn't seem to think so.
He keeps paying bigger and bigger prices everyday.
Even he's going to run out of money sooner or later,
and a lot sooner than later.
You worry too much, bubele.
- But the way things are going, I... - Gomez, I called you bubele.
Oh, yes. Still drives me wild.
Darling, chisel now. Bubele later.
Lurch, have you ever been on relief?
Ruined?
No, not if we make you a one-armed thinker.
Just sort of put it behind your back.
Yes, that's much better.
Oh, dear.
May I?
Yes, that's much better.
Now, I just have to remove that piece of thumb from your chin.
I think I got a bit too much.
May I?
It just keeps improving.
Now, hold still while I give it the final touch.
Lurch, I think I've really hit on something.
Good night, Mrs. Addams.
Well, good night, Lurch. We'll work on it again in the morning.
Morticia, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Wonderful.
- I still have four hours of nightlight left. - But aren't you coming to bed?
Oh, darling, how can I sleep knowing that somewhere there's a stone uncut.
- How about a husband uncuddled? - Noble Gomez.
It's not like you to think of yourself when I'm in the throes of creation.
But the whole house has changed! We never dance anymore, or...
Well, dance, darling. Go right ahead, dance to your heart's content.
Alone? Querida...
Why don't you call Mama?
She's always ready for an old-fashioned cha-cha-cha.
With all these rocks around, there's not even room for a cha.
Darling, you're right. I have been selfish.
- You mean you're gonna give up sculpting? - Oh, nonsense.
Since I'm crowding you here, I'm going to find myself a lovely garret.
- A garret? - Of course. You can visit me on weekends.
Pugsley! Wednesday!
Darling, your children are here to see you.
Hello, children.
Poor little things. You haven't seen your mother in days, have you?
Sure we've seen her.
She's been right there chopping on those rocks.
How true. You little youngsters, feeling Ionely and neglected,
you've come to plead with your mother to come back to you.
No, we were just on our way to the kitchen.
Do you hear that? Not only Ionely and neglected, but starving, too.
Starving? Nonsense, darling, there's plenty of cold yak in the refrigerator.
Querida, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Oh, yes, cold yak might upset their stomachs.
Heat it up, dear.
Children, tell your mother what it's been like,
the last few days without her.
- We've been having a ball. - We've been staying up all night.
Oh?
Well, just make sure you sleep late in the morning.
Darling, they can't sleep late in the morning, they have to go to school.
- We haven't been to school in days. - Do you hear that?
- They haven't been to school in days. - But, Father, it's vacation.
Come on, Pugsley, let's go in the kitchen and finish the fudge.
Little darlings.
Fudge?
Gadzooks! Is she going to sculpt in the kitchen, too?
Wednesday, Pugsley, what are you doing?
Will you look at what's cooking in that pot?
Chocolate-marshmallow fudge!
Where did you pick up that habit?
Children, what do you have to say for yourselves?
- We're sorry. - Have you ever tried fudge?
- Don't be insolent. - Off to bed, this minute.
Go on, scoot, scoot, scoot. Go on.
Oh, Gomez, fudge. I have been neglecting the children.
- From now on, I'm turning in my chisel. - No!
No, don't try to talk me out of it. My mind's made up.
I'm going back to the most important role a woman can have.
- Lover. - Mother.
- Oh, that. - And lover.
You rang?
Lurch, clear those rocks out of the living room.
We're going to dance till dawn!
- Do I hear music? - Yes.
You know when I told you to call Blooker the broker and sell?
I thought you said buy. Did I get you in a jam?
You certainly did, tax-wise.
That stock went up 50 points. I made $600,000.
Wonderful. Now I can buy back all my lovely statues.