THE GREAT
DICKHEAD
Come, bear. It's a new day for us, and for Russia.
Bravo. Bravo.
The victor.
We've been looking for you.
No doubt. The patriarch is essential in all of Russia's affairs.
I was in the forest, communing with God.
You mean hiding.
In my communication with God,
he told me I have to play my part in your reign.
He did? And I always thought he was infallible.
Now, I suppose having not thought things through properly,
you've probably resolved to kill me.
Orlo's plan is to stab 60 holes in you,
and then something involving salt, honey and ants.
Well, some of that I would enjoy.
I'm happy just to simply cut your throat, but I promised him.
I'll let the guards know where to find you.
Let us ponder your situation.
You are to be consecrated today before the court and God.
That is the plan. I find it exciting just hearing it out loud.
The Russian Church is everything in Russia.
There is one church, one God, one patriarch.
The people listen to the Church across this land. Its rule is iron.
Its word is trusted in a way the emperor's is not.
The Church lives in people's hearts.
- As fear. - And love.
It's a powerful combination. So, my question is,
"Are you really going to be consecrated
"with the blood of the patriarch on your hands?"
I'll wash.
- And who would you replace me with? - I'll find someone.
Who? I'm the most progressive cleric on the synod.
Here I am, chatting with a woman,
respecting and applauding her taking of power.
It's not the general consensus.
- Good God. - Indeed he is. Indeed he is.
Now, I have sent two sermons to every regional bishop in the land.
"A" is saying that you are God's choice.
"B" is saying that you are a German devil who has stolen our country
and wishes to render us all dead or Lutheran,
and is intent on burning Russia to the ground.
I then call on all Russians, in quite a moving way,
to rise up as one and destroy you and your rule.
Burn your bones, spread the ashes on the wind,
et cetera.
If I die, they read "B."
I don't, they read "A," and we all have cake and champagne after consecration.
Right.
It's a joy to finally have someone smart on the throne who sees reason.
You're right. I have no one to replace you with.
Yet.
But when I do,
I will kill you.
I will relish each day more, knowing it could be my last.
All I ask is to put my case until God decides to take me.
Which will be when I decide to send you.
Congratulations again.
Just let me fucking do it.
- Time? - 8:15.
- Here you... Oh, it's you. - Darling, hello.
I thought you might be sad, so I brought you a mouse.
I don't want a fucking mouse. And why would I be sad?
You've lost the empire.
- I thought it might be sad for you. - Not at all.
I have always been emperor or emperor-to-be,
but I have never woken up just "Peter."
I can do as I like. Who would I like to be?
Now, what would I like to be, while I am unburdened by my office?
How fascinating. You're free to be free.
- Huzzah. - Exactly.
I am doing things, Aunt. Improving, indulging my whims.
Violin lessons, philosophy with Voltaire and learning kung fu,
an eastern fighting art I have long wondered on
and seems I have a natural proclivity for.
I applaud it, but we must focus on one thing as well...
My coronation suit. Brilliant.
- You're going? - Of course.
It's important the court see me give it to her.
Can't let people think she took it from me.
I see. It is her I wish to speak of.
- Yes? - Paul is wonderful, but he may die.
Why would you say that? Don't say that.
Most women have many miscarriages.
- I had seven. - Seven?
I only know about the wet one.
Igor drowned and was a walking child.
A miscarriage is when the baby in you does not make it
and bleeds out of you.
Oh, fuck.
That happens every month, doesn't it, with women?
Every month there is a dead baby? Fuck, that is tragic.
No. I cannot explain at length.
My point, if she does not carry your child, your blood, we are nothing.
If she loves you, you will make more babies,
and you will protect the family line.
This is a dynasty and we must protect it.
- You must make her love you. - She does love me.
She killed Leo and she kept me. Evidence in.
I fear she's only dimly aware of the fact of her love.
This is my plan, Aunt.
She will soon realize Russia is an old sow of a country
that lays near dead and heaving in a pile of mud,
impossible to move, and she has failed.
She will come to me humbled, sad,
and in need of my love and massive cock.
- Marvelous plan. - I know.
A woman often likes to reshingle a man.
Ask her if when she looks at you, she sees faulty bits.
Because if her eye is constantly drawn to them, the whole building looks bad.
But if you replace those shingles,
she has nothing to do but admire the whole edifice.
- And want to fuck it. - Exactly.
I shall receive my guests.
Lady Marial, how lovely you look. And how happy we are to have you returned.
What is it, bitch?
We left some things.
Some art and some children's toys, in a box in the back of...
I burnt them.
Slam it for me, will you?
Dearest Orlo.
Look where we are.
What a day.
- What a day, what a day! - Indeed.
A dream.
- Is it a dream? - Come here.
- Let us remake Russia, my friend. - Indeed.
This is a detailed statement of aims and actions we should take
in a methodical and precise way. I have arranged it in sections.
I have my list, but I shall read yours, and no doubt there is much crossover.
Orlo, I feel giddy.
Huzzah, huzzah, hu-fucking-zah!
Russia is ours.
I have a special vodka, given to me by Peter the Great
on the day he made me a general.
- Which you have opened in advance. - Taste testing in case it's poisoned.
I lay my life before my empress.
So, where shall we start?
- Our first daily agenda. - Look how happy an agenda makes him.
Is that the fast-beating heart of a bureaucrat unleashed, I hear?
- It is. The school opens this morning. - Huzzah.
- I shall be there. - And this evening, your coronation.
So, the lay of the land is this. Everyone expects you to last a year.
I am safe until the baby is born.
- He is my savior. - Exactly.
Until he is born, and then he's a threat.
Children seem endlessly problematic to me.
So we must act fast and show that I am a great leader,
indispensable, destined and loved.
So, let us do some big things.
Free the serfs, outlaw violence,
build a hundred art galleries,
open an academy of sciences, drawing the greatest minds from Europe,
dismantle the laws around women's rights, build roads, ports,
open trade-treaty discussions with the nations of Europe,
raise taxes, lower mortality rates,
and make dancing and jokes a prerequisite of every dinner.
- Let us start... - With meeting the nobles.
What?
It is ritual.
They come from everywhere.
- God bless you. - There is a lot.
Welcome.
Archie! Fucker! In broad daylight.
Guards! Go and seize him.
Let us kill him slowly, until he realizes he's been abandoned by God.
Relax, Orlo. Let's just behead him like civilized men.
Wait. I have done a deal with him.
- What? - He has a gun to my head.
I cannot walk into the coronation with a dead patriarch,
or he'll unleash chaos from the grave.
Right.
- You didn't want to discuss it first? - It was clear what to do, so I did it.
But we had a plan.
We had Simpkey to replace him with, and he died and our plan with it.
That's the problem. These old fuckers die.
It's celibacy I blame.
It fucks 'em up.
- Thank you, Velementov. - I really, really want to kill him.
My head is still soft in places
from that fucking Bible he dropped on my head.
The Bible has damaged many heads in a myriad of ways.
We will kill him, Orlo, but not yet.
- Wily fucker. I'll give him that. - Blessings, blessings to one and all.
- Time? - 8:35.
She should be here for breakfast. That is the agreement.
But she has a big day, so I will go to her.
Guards.
You're not supposed to leave.
Door.
Morning.
Morning. Orlo, out.
You too, Velementov, you fat, treacherous fuck.
- What are you doing here? - Breakfast. This is our day.
- Hello, Paul. - I shall have him returned to quarters.
- Do it yourself, fat boy. - With pleasure and alacrity.
- What's alacrity? - Speed.
Enough!
I made a deal. I shall honor it.
- Empress. - It's fine. I will do this.
What would my father say?
My sentiments exactly.
Velementov, just go.
I know it was supposed to be in my apartments,
but I realize what a busy day you would have, so I thought I'd come to you.
Thoughtful of me, I know. Put it on the desk.
Of course.
Caviar and rosemary crepe?
Lady Marial, another forgiven traitor.
- Look at you. - I do look great in this dress.
I also had cantaloupes and raspberries for breakfast, Orlo,
bathed in vanilla-scented cream, and slept for nine glorious hours,
naked and wrapped in silken sheets.
Unbelievable. All our enemies are alive and having a lovely day.
- Relax, Orlo. - Yes, relax, Orlo.
I saved her life. I'm the real hero here.
- And the prettiest. - Agreed. You smell like vanilla.
Drink it in, big boy.
Marvelous.
- That your list? - It is.
- Go fast, change much. My advice. - I thought I'd go fast.
- You think I should? - Yes.
Once Paul's out, someone will try and kill you,
steal the baby and coup us both with it.
Here's a question I had.
If there's one thing you didn't like about me, a tiny aspect,
and there may not be, probably there isn't,
but if there is one thing I could change about my relatively flawless self,
what would it be?
- Your mercurial violence. - Really?
Father always thought that my best quality.
Really?
He'd say, "There's not much going on in there,
"but give him a knife and light his wick, the boy has something."
Reason and compassion can win any argument better than violence.
You don't have to win an argument
with someone who has a slashed larynx as they struggle to make their point.
Not that I'm saying that's good. I'm not. Just saying...
I'll work on that.
How will you spend your days while I am making Russia better?
- You mean different. - I actually mean better.
While you improve Russia, I shall improve myself.
We both share lofty... Well, possibly in your case, unattainable ambitions.
Should we have sex?
I'd rather choke to death on this tiny chicken.
That's a poor decision and does not augur well for Russia.
You are forgiving. She betrayed you.
- Saved her. - It is a point of conjecture.
But I'm benevolent, it's true.
I have fabrics for your gown for the coronation,
and seamstresses standing by. I was thinking this.
Very Versailles.
It doesn't matter how I look, just what I do.
Adorable.
If you dress well,
no one notices what you do, just what you wear.
- Voltaire said that. - He did not.
Maybe I said it then. I've heard it before.
I'm wearing a blue velvet, so let us not clash.
Must go. I have violin.
He's coming?
Door!
Peter.
You're not coming.
- You're under house arrest. - Of course I'm coming.
- I have to give you the throne. - I took it. You did not give it.
Yes, I did. Yes, I do. Guards, come on. Guard me.
- You're not coming! - See you there.
The school, it begins.
- You wish to be there, I imagine? - Of course.
I really need a decision on the style.
We only have four hours for them to make it.
I don't know what I want. Something special.
Right. Not that specific, is it?
- The school. - Yes, let's go.
- Shouldn't they bow or something? - They don't know it's you.
They're from all over Russia. You look like just a woman to them.
Shall we greet the day?
- You all right? - Didn't sleep.
Kept waiting for someone to come in and cut our throats.
I don't think she will.
There was a proclamation of forgiveness, amnesty and reconciliation.
- We are all Russians, et cetera. - It is a bad day.
Maybe this won't be so bad for us. I'm optimistic.
Cunt.
They seem to have not read the proclamation.
- Fucking Belanova just spat in my face. - A new dawn for all of us.
- She gave our apartment to Marial. - Who burnt the children's teddies.
You need to read the proclamation, you fucks!
Hello, friends. What a great day. Come.
- Tarzinsky. - Dickhead.
Did he just call me a dickhead?
I'll fucking go shoot him and she can do what she will with me.
- Say the word. - The word is "widow."
- Jesus, Arkady. - No, it's fine.
"Dickhead." Merely a word.
Like "cheese" or "low-flying bird." Just words.
Arkady, come help me write this speech.
- I thought you're under house arrest. - I am.
And I'm actually finding it less restricting than I imagined.
I thought I was late for the start. Good they're not here yet. What a day.
You can't be late, as you're empress. We work on your time frame.
But this is it, I'm afraid.
- One? - Alas.
I was going to punish whoever was late.
Make a statement, like my school in France did.
But then everyone was late so I wasn't sure what to do.
And then no one came and I realized, "Oh, dear. No one's coming."
Orlo, you put out the proclamation?
Yes. Every apartment with female children in the palace
was invited to send their child to the empress's new school for girls.
Right.
Marial, gather the mothers. I wish to speak to them.
Velementov, come with me.
Your soldiers are not guarding Peter well. We must make a point.
Gentlemen, your job is to keep Peter in his quarters.
He is your prisoner. Do you understand that?
He cannot leave this wing.
He cannot walk unimpeded about court, ordering a salmon or a cock-sucking.
Do you understand? He is not your emperor, he is your prisoner.
If you need to shoot him, do so.
In the leg, ideally, but in the head if you must.
Understood?
Is that true?
Now do your jobs, men. Do your fucking jobs.
- So, Poland. - Poland?
We could take it.
It's basically full of Russians waiting to be liberated.
- You want to start a war? - It will be swift.
Territory that we lost decades ago will be returned to us.
Russia will become bigger, stronger, and made whole once again.
I'm not starting a war the first day of my reign, Velementov.
Which day then? I vaguely recall a deal where you said you were not against war.
When I find a war I see the point of, we shall go in, guns blazing.
But Poland is not it. Right.
I felt it was a big plan. Might fit the bill for early victories.
When I said, "Only big plans," Velementov, I meant my big plans.
I see.
Can you not just revel in your victory a bit longer?
- Why this need for war? - It's what I do.
Instead, you will be vigilant for threats to our great nation
and offer me your wisdom, born of blood and pain.
Doesn't seem like a real job.
I apologize, Orlo, for your injury, although you were trying to kill me.
The point is, your poisonous intent and murderous actions
do not diminish my fondness for you, as I know Russia was in your heart.
I wish a knife was in your heart.
The Bible speaks much of forgiveness. Perhaps you should read on it.
Well, it speaks much of killing too. I might just read on that.
- Let us begin the charm offensive. - Number one!
Empress, it is our honor to be here. We bought you a horse as a gift...
Lovely.
as we know you love them.
- Anything else? - Simple thing, really.
We're taxed heavily and would like it lessened.
I want a complete reprieve in my taxes.
I am not across the tax situation,
but as it is used to build Russia and her greatness,
it is a sacrifice I am happy for you to make. Good day.
- Brilliantly handled. - Don't suck up, Archie.
Number two!
- Count Nazakov. - Nazakov.
What did you do? What the fuck did you do, Velementov?
Killed him. He's on the list, right, Orlo?
- What list? - We haven't discussed this.
I made a list, as there are people who will never see our way
and will work to destroy us.
- We cannot leave them alive. - No. No, no.
This is not how I wish it to be. We are creating a new Russia.
The road to the new Russia will need to be paved
with the dead bodies of some of the old or we will not get to the new Russia.
Even your charm cannot win all battles.
- I disagree. - Shut up, Archie.
- What message does this send? - "Fuck you. We mean business."
No! Shit. We cannot carry him out there murdered. We just can't.
We'll drop him from a window.
He'll land, someone will find him and think it random.
We don't need your help. You are not part of this.
Of course.
I shall stay clear of the seamless working of this new machinery of government.
I have it.
He attacked the empress, shot me, Orlo killed him.
I'll be a hero.
- It's not funny, Orlo. - It'll work.
No one will believe...
Guards, help us!
I look great. So where are we up to?
"I give this freely, of my own volition.
"An experiment, perhaps a whim, for the good of my people.
- "Let us love Catherine as we do me." - Love it.
"Dickhead." You hear fucking Tarzinsky?
I mean once, he would've been fishing his balls out of the fountain,
his tongue from a hot pan and his feet from a hole in the forest.
But it's just words.
You are very forgiving, Emperor.
- Arkady, are you forgiving? - What do you mean, French cunt?
You might need to be. Your wife...
- What did you say to her? - He's just teasing.
I am French. She is beautiful.
It only stands to reason that I would like to lick her slowly to yelping,
and then slowly fuck her over a table.
I mean, that's just logic, Arkady.
I know you might not mind other men fucking your wife...
Rude fucker.
Arkady, be careful. Be careful.
- Grigor, get him. - Arkady. Grigor.
Jesus. Enough with the violence.
That's not an appropriate response to things said of a funny but sexual nature.
I got the message that you needed to see me.
I have no time. What is so urgent?
It's for you.
You can't give me a gift for couping you.
I can if I'm the most generous chap you ever met. Ponder that.
You can't come.
- You don't like it? - I like it.
I won Russia. I took it.
I will not have it that it looks like you gave it.
I did give it.
I gave up because I was hungry and gave it up.
- So, I did give it. - Perhaps I should have killed you.
But could not. Ponder that. And then ponder this.
If you did, you would have looked like you took it,
but then would've been illegitimate
and everyone would've lined up to stab you in the face a lot,
and Russia would have fallen into chaos and strife.
I actually have avoided a civil war for Russia. Huzzah.
I am a leader, as I see all this and you do not.
You're not coming.
But I am chosen by God. You were chosen by mail order.
Most of the court see you
as a grasping whore of a German who stole the throne.
I... What? They do not.
There's pockets of loyalists who may harm you and Paul.
You're my wife. Paul is my child.
I will protect that which I love no matter what.
I have a busy day running Russia, the country I just took from you.
Goodbye.
You are all parents of young girls at court.
Indeed, I say you are all parents of the future of Russia.
And while you nourish your children and their bodies with care and love,
we must do the same with their souls and minds.
I was educated, and it is the thing I am most grateful for every day,
for it has made me who I am.
I have a baby who will one day be born,
and when I pluck it from the bloody floods,
I will want to feed that baby a variety...
A wet nurse will do it. You do not do it yourself.
- I was speaking metaphorically. - Metaphorically?
- It is a German word. - It is not a German word.
My point is, we feed on the great thinkers of Europe.
And when we look up, we see the world differently,
and that we are vibrant, fierce creatures who can build a better Russia.
Yes.
- So you will send them? - Will we be shot if we don't?
- No. You won't be shot if you don't. - Then no.
Why not? You want the best for them, do you not?
While our love and admiration for you is huge,
your unique nature is not something we wish to replicate in our girls.
It will make marrying them harder.
- What? - No one wants a fierce wife.
Exactly. And marrying well is everything.
My father used to say,
"If you know when it's time to shut your mouth
"and when it's time to open your legs,
"you will find a good match and your life be assured."
So, in essence, you just do not wish them to be me?
There is only one you.
- Hooray for the empress. - Hooray.
Just shoot them. Seriously.
I can't believe they don't want better things for their daughters.
They think better things come from better husbands.
On the coronation, as you could not decide,
I have three gowns being made.
I found what I want.
Is this not marvelous?
- What? No. No. - It is bold and very Russian.
Yes, both those attributes being its problem.
It's what our grandmothers used to wear before they were beaten to death
for wearing something so ugly.
I like it. I will do it.
You cannot.
Listen to your friend.
I saved your life once before. Allow me to do it again.
- When you betrayed me? - Exactly.
Which got you standing here, hours before your coronation,
about to make a huge mistake.
Make it happen.
They will laugh you from the chamber.
You do not understand. To our eyes, this is...
a joke.
Catherine.
Please.
Are you crying?
If it will help, yes.
I will do it my way. I feel it's right.
And when they laugh in your stupid face?
I will have them shot.
If only that were true.
Are you praying?
No, I dropped a ruble.
- Are you a Muslim? - No, this is Russia. We're all Orthodox.
- Are you lying to me? - Do not insult me, Empress.
If I were a Muslim, I would smell of rats and sin
and strange incense that I've heard they burn.
The Russian Church is all. God bless you. God bless Russia.
God bless God. Huzzah.
- A gift of? - Six stallions.
Fast, handsome and pliant with you in the saddle, I have no doubt.
An idea is taking hold.
My region would like a port
and a million rubles in cash to throw a party in your honor.
Great. Orlo, take care of that. Next.
- Tarzinsky is next. - Shit. Okay.
We should just be agreeable and get him out.
It is a jape. This blond strip of a baby-bumped whore overthrew him?
I did. And you will speak with respect.
Easy, Tarzinsky.
You will send Velementov to Alaska to take it from the Americans,
so the sea otter trade can continue.
I could take Alaska, actually.
Step back, sir, for you smell like a sea otter has died in your mouth.
That is the smell of Russia, German bitch.
Step back, sir.
If I could summarize my response to your request as elegantly as possible...
go die, you pig.
Really, Tarzinsky?
Velementov, shoot him.
- Seriously? - Very.
Tarzinsky.
Kneel before me and atone for your sins,
or feel the wrath of God upon your miserable soul, sir.
Now show some respect to our empress, and then leave and sober up, sir.
- I have this, Archie. - Indeed.
Tarzinsky, you heard me.
Patriarch. Gentlemen.
I did not need you to step in.
Why is it everyone who comes in here, "I want, I want, I want."
Does anyone have something to offer Russia?
Fuck. Selfish, grasping fucks.
And also...
I never fucked a horse!
I would like to do something of importance today.
- I cannot get my hands around it. - We could take a break.
- Are there Muslims in Russia? - Not anymore.
Why? Did you see one?
I'm interrupting.
Empress, if I may?
No, come through.
Patriarch. An honor.
- Of course it is, Father... - I am Father Basil. In from the west.
You have hay in your beard.
You wanted to see me?
I am Leo Voronsky's cousin.
- You are? - He wrote me often of you.
His love was a river of such purity and light,
it took my breath away when I would read those words.
- I'm sorry about... - Do not judge yourself. He would not.
God will. But that is a long way off, I hope.
And I see you and I know that God will be happy with his creation.
You are lit from within.
Leo's letters. I thought maybe you should have them.
They speak of you.
But I suspect they will speak to you as well.
Thank you.
- Okay, shall we... - Yeah.
- Leo. - Did you fools just stand there?
I thought the new Russia was one
where we held each other in our joys and sorrows.
Let it go.
It is a storm.
They will never stop coming,
but will pass through and away, they always will.
- Thank you. - Have some malate.
Do you have some dirt?
In the pot.
So many nobles. You must be tired.
Peter wants to come to the coronation. Can you explain to him why he cannot?
It is a good idea for you.
He should not. She took it.
He must be made an unpleasant memory at court.
Orlo, so much racing blood now.
Why won't you try fucking people or running or some such?
Why do you think Peter should come?
If one has a party, and all the guests can think about is who is not there,
whose party is it?
And what stories do those guests, angry at the host,
tell themselves about this ghost?
Dangerous ones, of course.
But as you wish.
You are right, I think.
Well, if women of our intelligence both think something right,
I suspect it is.
I will leave you to business.
You wish to see me?
Look at this.
If you squint, you can see a cat appear,
and if you slightly shake your head a bit, more cats,
and they appear to be dancing.
- Cats? - Indeed.
Sit.
What are you...
I thought we should have a conversation.
Clearly a conversation you don't wish me to leave abruptly.
- She has let you live, wisely. - I'm glad you think so.
She has an optimism for our people and our nation,
and I very much wish to see her execute her vision unhindered.
But I sadly have a pessimistic view of human nature,
so I worry on you, wandering free.
I must do God's work.
You may do that, but if I sense there is a game at play against her,
I will know you're at the center of it.
Killing a patriarch will unleash chaos.
But a carriage accident, an arsenic biscuit,
a statue falling at the wrong moment.
I knew a man once who drowned in soup.
A myriad of unexplained, tragic deaths float before my eyes.
I see.
Something stirring beneath your cassock, Archie?
I like knives.
Of course.
Do we understand each other?
We do.
But a small aside.
You should really lead us. You have everything we need.
We cut her throat at the coronation, put the crown on your head.
Simple, and fun for the crowd.
It's talk like that which will get you killed.
But not today. Today, I am safe.
Ponder that we could all make a better Russia together.
Indeed.
A day for optimism.
Hello, my darlings.
I don't know how you do that.
Will.
Greetings...
Full Russian? Fuck.
I've actually banned most of those fabrics.
I thought you were taking Russia into the future, not into grandmother's house.
Shut up.
- Court, if I... - You don't talk, my love.
God has blessed us with many great leaders,
and now he has blessed us with another.
What a breath of fresh, golden air
that blows through our court and our land.
How blessed we are by our Lord.
I bless Catherine the Great,
for she is our new...
- You're calling yourself "The Great?" - Of course.
- I mean, it seems arrogant. - It is if you are not great.
If you are, it is just calling things what they are.
Right. I have a speech.
Just put the crown on me when the long-winded blessing stops,
or I will have you dragged out right now.
- You wouldn't. - It would be embarrassing for us both.
And make it clear I took it, so maybe it is a good idea.
father of love.
Blessings, blessings, blessings,
from the one true Church,
the one true God.
May you keep us on a righteous path to heaven.
I crown you Empress of Russia.
You look stunning.
One day we'll tell Paul about this.
Go sit.
Fellow Russians,
what is God?
When I came here, I stood by a lake,
and I felt God come out of the Russian mountains
and shake me, change me.
So I knew what I was,
who to love.
Russia.
I will not constrain love, for it is eternal in all of us,
and yet the expression of it unique and individual.
What God asks all of us is different.
I believe who each person's god is can be as individual.
So today I announce my first proclamation.
No more shall we be a one-church country.
People are free to worship as Muslim, Hindu, Jew even,
or even not at all.
God would not constrain our hearts,
and nor shall I do him the insult of doing it.
I will not constrain people's love for a deity,
for it traps their hearts in fear, and I will not lead a land such as this.
Fucking, fucking fuck.
I think if I can just...
We may also all have beards again,
because that seemed like a confusing and trivial rule.
- What? - Let us celebrate!
A banquet is served!
Okay.
What are we having? I probably should have perused the menu.
Guards, escort the emp... Peter back to his apartments.
Right. Of course.
Just let me read this to you. I went to a bit of trouble.
Quickly.
"It is a strange thing to hand your crown to another.
"And yet I feel a peace in my heart, knowing I am handing it to one I love,
"the one I love who loves our great nation, despite being German.
"I have seen up close her wiseness and fierceness, and her naked body
"as it shimmers and glows like God put the sun inside her.
"I have also been inside her and we have made a Paul together,
"and thus, the future of Russia is assured.
"Give her your fear as you gave it me. Fuck with her, you fuck with me."
Strangely touching.
A moment.
Hello, darling.
I lost it.
I know.
What do you think he'd think?
- I'm not sure. - Liar.
- He wouldn't have given up, would he? - He didn't get as hungry as you do.
My body let me down.
- My mind was... - As sharp as it has always been.
Indeed.
If he knew how hungry I was though...
And if he knew you had placed an heir safely inside Catherine,
and assured the family line in doing so,
and aimed to make her love you so you would create more babies,
he would be proud.
And that she will fuck it up and give it back after falling in love with me.
He would think that was cunning, right?
He would see it as a unique and unexpected plan,
as he saw you a unique and unexpected child.
Indeed.
- Emperor... - All right, fuckhead. I'm talking.
Let the conversation come to a natural end, you boarish forest thug.
- Sorry. - It is fine.
Perhaps ill-tempered.
- Suit is tight. - And you're hungry.
I am actually.
The menu is very substandard at the dinner.
It is?
Of course it is.
- The court will miss me, indeed. - Indeed.
I aimed to build a bridge of peace between us,
and yet you rip at the foundations of my church.
You seem angry.
No, I am...
concerned that you act from spite rather than concern for the country.
Well, rest your concerned soul, Archie. I don't.
You create religious disharmony.
I rely on you to lead us all to tolerance, Archie.
These fucking infidels don't know tolerance.
Well, from your tone, perhaps we need to learn it ourselves.
My advice? Pray as if your life depended on it.
I've seen more stylish lampshades.
A Russian. What the fuck?
She looks amazing and you look like a French whore at the end of a long night,
so I think she wins.
Also, she's got the crown, so shut up and bow.
Marial, we missed you.
How delighted we are. You look stunning.
That was the thing. I forgot how stunning you are.
Why are you being nice to her?
Because I'm the empress's best friend, dummy.
Do you not see your place now, Tatyana?
I think the empress seeks you. You must run.
Perhaps she still sees you as a servant.
I intended to be all calm and high-handedly bitchy with you, Svenska,
but I am unfortunately not that person.
That's for the beating. We are square. Come for tea sometime.
Before we begin, a blessing.
Father Basil, visiting us from the west, I would like you to do it.
Indeed.
Lord, we thank you for this day.
Can you not take those downstairs?
We're trying to celebrate the empress's coronation.
I do not wish to do it surrounded by licked fucking plates.
We also have not even been served our main courses yet.
- Relax. - Relax?
- It is embarrassing. - Never been in salon 4B before.
Did not even know there was a salon 4B.
There is alcohol.
And as I say, when there is alcohol, food is an inadequate diversion.
Huzzah.
So you idiots wish to drink our way through this.
- As all good Russians should. - Huzzah.
George...
stay and get drunk. We're lucky to be alive.
Salon 4B is not life to me, Grigor.
- She does not like us. - He has a plan. She will fail.
And what if she doesn't? We will never have status at this court.
You could charm anyone.
- I think she likes us. - She knows our loyalties.
She will never trust us, and rightfully so.
I will leave you to do nothing, as usual.
- She's right. It's a disaster. - We must trust Peter's plan.
She will fail.
Not really a plan though, is it?
Just waiting and hoping,
like I will be, to see if you can get it up tonight.
- Maybe we should help them. - I can get it up.
I mean, help her.
Catherine.
Fail.
- Huzzah. - Huzzah!
I like him.
I don't like him.
This turned into a very challenging evening.
Empress.
- Do I see a plan forming? - You do.
He is just a priest, but if he was at court for a time,
I believe he could find favor amongst the old bishops.
- And we could end Archie. - Indeed.
Here's one on that. Brilliant.
- Remember that, Orlo. - What?
That I am brilliant.
- Trust it. - I shall.
Huzzah.
Jesus.
George. Brilliant. Let us fuck.
Jesus.
- Are you angry or are we fucking? - Both.
Fucker.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I'll be back. Promise.
Hey.
- What the fuck... - Don't be so fucking rude!
No need for it. Fucker!
It's disappointing. Fuck.
Really didn't want to do that.
- Hands up who had sex last night. - Good grief.
Indeed, indeed. As I finished that's what I yelled.
"Indeed!"
- Who was it? - Some regional guy.
Lovely, smelt nice, and also leaving court today.
- Perfect combination. - Indeed.
We're being followed.
Girls, come.
- You liked what I wore at the coronation? - You looked stunning.
Would you like to be more like me,
and perhaps have a life different from your mothers'?
Come.
Empress.
Let us educate these fine young women.
I would love to. Girls, sit.
We were discussing Plato.
If our parents don't like this, will we be shot?
No. You are your own people.
How you spend your days is your business, is it not?
The dress. Turns out you were right.
They looked at it and saw the future, Marial.
You mean, they saw you.
Exactly.