Something came.
- It's from... - I know who it's from.
What's it made of? Butter?
- "Because you melt in my..." - Enough. Thank you.
- Is it supposed to look like you? - Shit.
THE GREAT
ANIMAL INSTINCT
Pineapple. At first lick, that sweet, sharp taste.
And then the longer it went, it grew into a sherbet of pine and raspberry.
I've heard I taste of cherries and custard.
What do you mean you've heard?
- Well, didn't you tell me that? - No.
I felt a bit strange doing it.
I thought Paul might be worried by her agitation,
so was whispering as I licked.
"It's okay, Paul. It's okay, Paul." Yeah.
We must still unthrone her, my point. The great love story aside.
She may sit on your face, but not on your throne.
It was a joke.
And once it was an acceptable jape,
but my love is strong and my instinct to protect clearly sharp.
Apologies.
Arkady and I have been strategizing. He has made a board.
It works better on a wall.
We've made a list of factions for you to win over.
The nobles, the military, the Church, rich merchants.
Cherries and custard.
Maybe the emperor said it to me when we were young.
- You did feast on me like a starving man. - And Catherine's aura after the moment.
A sunlit haze seemed to hang around her.
Did something happen between you? I hadn't heard about that.
Rabbit.
Not to be critical, but can you actually focus on the unseating her plan?
I did not leave George to be trapped in your rooms the rest of my life.
Relax, Grigor. I'm on it.
Actually, should we not be worried about being out here?
- You are technically escaped. - It is in hand.
Marvelous. You may go with my many, many imperial blessings.
And your arse is a credit to our country.
Pugachev, do not steal from us.
An opportunity presents, I take it. That is just common sense.
To not would mean I'm a fucking moron, and I is not that, dear auntie aunt.
- Where is he? - Hunting.
He'll be gone awhile if you'd like me to fuck you.
Once was enough.
I thought it would be interesting, but it was too weird, even for me.
Might I suggest, just to be helpful, I do you from behind,
so you don't see my face, you merely register my sensual power
while I whisper filthy Cossack oaths in your delicate ears.
You're incorrigible.
But no.
Are the guards fooled by you?
I made the tall one give me a hand job, so it seems so.
Aunt! Look at this.
A partridge, which I shot as it was sitting in a pear tree.
What are the chances of that?
Pugachev, you can fuck off.
Empty your pockets as you go.
Fucker. Still, the only good one I have.
Has she been back for more yet?
She has not, but when she comes,
I am ready with a wave of love that will bring her to her knees. Look.
A heart made out of rubies.
I also had some pineapple-based floral arrangements sent to her this morning.
I am now toying with love sonnets
but trying to get anything to rhyme with "indescribable lust,"
other than dust, is immensely difficult.
Her body is saying yes. Now her mind must follow.
Say more.
This is a brilliant woman whose mind is always seeking answers.
You must create a question mark.
A mystery.
She has an idea of you, and that idea must evolve.
You are a befuddling, strange creature. Everything you are saying is ridiculous.
At the moment, you're playing hard to want
when you should be playing hard to get.
Seems a bit strong. She came to me unbidden.
And that is a battle won but not the war.
Did I capture your father?
- How, you ask? - No, I did not ask that, and I never...
I knew my body had caught his eye...
Is this some annoying story where he ends up sodomizing you
in a boat or some such?
- I will not listen to it. - It is an illuminating story.
He wanted to fuck me, I knew that,
but I also knew that would be nine minutes of a busy day for him.
Quickly forgotten.
I wanted him to want to know me and feel like he never could.
What did you do?
At dinner one night, as he regaled the rapt room with tales of his derring-do,
I plucked a moth from the air.
He kept talking and as he did, I smiled, bemused,
and then slowly picked the moth apart and ate the pieces,
bewildering and beguiling him.
A moth?
Then later that night, he sodomized me in a boat.
- Oh, Jesus! - It is a jest. He did not.
The point is, you must make her believe there is more to you than there is.
More? Fuck me. I'm the full buffet. What do you mean more?
I mean, let her in to the new man you're becoming.
Demonstrate kung fu, for instance?
She values ideas, so show her so do you.
Shoo.
Shoo!
I have been asked to speak to you by the empress.
I know some of you now. I've made love to many of you.
Some softly, some savagely.
This marvelous...
Are they the scientists you bribed to come back?
They were excited to join the new Russia.
And yes, to be paid well for it.
A dreamer, perhaps. Perhaps not. Probably so.
But dream we must.
The enlightenment is warming nations across Europe.
Reason has opened a new world to us.
Who knows what marvels that change the world will erupt
from the inside of these people's brains?
A cure for syphilis perhaps.
I, for one, hope so.
How exciting were Voltaire's words?
And that Olga's explanation of wind power uses in the Netherlands?
My face was literally numb with boredom.
Marial, if we are to change this country,
we must change the way people here think.
You could just tell them what to do and shoot them if they don't.
Well, just saying. That is the way we've always done it.
Which is why we need Voltaire.
I cannot free the serfs and give women rights and education
if people do not believe in the inalienable rights of all, for instance.
And that reason overrides greed and tradition.
And I have a more personal issue to discuss.
Or no, I will just act.
Apparently, the girls' school saw a big lizard.
- A lizard? Great. - I heard it might have had wings.
- What are you both talking about? - The lizard.
I shall leave you. I must go riding.
We have a problem.
Apparently, Ambassador Sunduk arrived home, but without his head.
What do you mean without his head?
I mean he had it, but it was no longer attached to his body.
Our treaty proposal stuffed in his neck hole.
What?
They have unsurprisingly taken this as an affront and a "fuck you."
We didn't do it!
I will send our ambassador to make that point.
Bandits, I assume. Those roads are a nightmare.
But they already had a dim view of you, so this does not help.
They will be making plans to war. We should attack them.
Soon as possible.
No. I will not be dragged into a war that makes no sense.
Let me run this.
Your war is my business,
and you agreed I could run it as my business,
all guns blazing you said to me.
And when we are at war, you shall have your way with our blazing guns,
but we are not.
Send the sultan a carriage full of gold bullion
and ask for an audience with me. I will meet him.
Well, why don't you just tell him you fear a fight?
Let him take Orlo back to Constantinople to eat in a salad.
You have made your feelings known, Velementov.
No, I feel I have barely started.
And I feel you have finished, so you have.
Orlo, I have something to do.
Do you want to talk to the parents about the lizard?
Am I the Empress of Russia or a gamekeeper?
I have something to do. Which I must do. I just must.
And so, I will.
This is madness.
- No, it's clear who did it. - What?
They did it themselves.
To justify a war and rile their people up.
Open your eyes, Orlo.
General.
- Good morning. - Morning.
I wanted to talk to you about the party last week.
Sorry?
The...
- Are you reading? - Galileo. Interesting.
- Right. - What is your topic of concern?
The events following the party.
The fight between Bulkov and Yakov where Yakov bit Bulkov's nutsack off?
No.
Your tongue on my bud.
I recall it, yes. What of it?
I just don't want you to get the wrong idea.
- In what way? - In what it meant.
I am a busy empress with few activities beyond my work,
and a line between me and the court
that must be preserved to maintain my power.
And I was also very hungover with a terrible headache,
so you seemed the most efficient way to get my needs met.
Seems ruthless and clever. So very you.
- It was in no way personal. - Disagree.
I'm sure you have fucked a hundred women
who meant nothing but the sating of longing.
As we are in love, it is not an apt analogy.
We are not in love. You are my prisoner,
and I perhaps overstepped the boundaries of our relationship.
Apologies.
This is what will one day happen.
You will walk in here, weeping, fall to your knees,
broken by your noble failure to change Russia.
I will lift you from the ground, look you in the eye,
tell you I love you, kiss you softly on the mouth,
feel you press your lips back against mine.
Our bodies will harden against each other as we feel passion break free within us.
And we will rip at each other's clothes like time itself is about to end
and we cannot get to each other before it does.
Then, I will lift you onto the table,
and for a moment we will just stop
and feel our hearts beat and the air around us still.
Then, as I enter you, we will feel a rush, that of ecstasy, that of being home.
For that is what we are to each other, and you will know it.
As I already do.
You are the funniest. You have cheered me.
My point. It was a one-time thing fueled by practicality
and confusing pregnancy fluids unbalancing me.
I hope you understand, I don't mean to...
Reading.
I have no idea how that went.
Yes?
I just wanted to look at you
and remember all the terrible things you have done.
Remember when you nearly drowned me?
Nostalgia indeed.
And yet look at us now. Happily at table together,
our baby resting in your belly, an orgasm in your throat
ready to unleash at the flick of my tongue.
I don't want that. Thank you.
That was my fucking point earlier.
If words could actually penetrate your delusions.
Of course. But know that I am at your whim.
I have no whim. I am a creature of reason, not whim.
Just to say, if it makes you happy, I'm all for it.
Good day!
- How big though? - Ten feet.
- And it just stared at me. - Can't blame it for that.
Are you flirting with me?
I don't know. I've never done it. Am I?
- It's a weird time to do it. - Sorry.
Distracting though.
In a good way.
Miss.
It had wings and I shot at it, point-blank and nothing.
Its hide like a dragon.
- That's what he said when I found him. - What the fuck are you talking about?
There is a dragon in court.
There's an idiot too. I'm looking at him.
I saw it.
Its eyes dead and staring, but somehow speaking.
- Speaking eyes. - But not.
He has the DT's.
I have seen monsters many times.
He needs four shots of vodka and a light pounding.
I know what I saw.
Drink.
I know what I sa...
- Are you with us? - It was a winged monster.
- A fucking demon from scriptures. - The girls saw it too.
- Father, have you heard? - I have.
- A lizard? - It's a demon.
It looks like demons you see in books.
Tell me what it looked like.
Lady Marial. A delight to have you ride with us again.
Shakey.
Marial?
Lady Marial?
- You made it back. - I did.
It's good to see you.
Is your hair supposed to be a humorous talking point?
Don't throw stones when you look like a tiny turnip.
Want your fucking horse or what?
- My apologies. She is a useless cunt. - I know.
I used to bunk with her.
None of the ladies will have her. So, we're stuck with her.
Orlo, what is going on?
The lizard. People think it might be an omen as well, so a bit of panic.
An omen? What the fuck are you talking about?
It's a winged demon, Orlo. Why are you deluding yourself?
- What? - Empress, we have a problem.
I believe this, or something like this, is what they have seen.
- The lizard? - It looked like that.
- This is what the girls drew. - I believe it is an omen. It is written.
I need prayer groups all over the palace in clusters of ten.
They need to be burning sage and chanting.
- An omen? - Or it is straight devilry.
It may just be the devil.
This is fucking ridiculous. We just hunt it!
The first to kill it should be gifted 1,000 rubles and its head.
- Empress, what say you? - I say everyone calm down.
Calm down.
An animal of some sort is loose. What do we know?
It has not attacked anyone. It is unknown to those who have seen it.
Let us apply science and reason to the situation.
I will get the scientists from the academy to interview all who have seen it,
and try to ascertain what this animal is and how to deal with it.
The lizard, if that is what it is,
will be found and dealt with, rest assured.
Velementov, get your men to go through the palace and find it.
Yeah.
Half my men won't go after it in case it is an omen.
- This is insane. - Not really.
I've had many omens on the battlefield.
My first victory, I was on my way to attack through a ravine.
Straight down the middle. That night, I awoke to a sound.
I went out into the night...
a donkey was throwing up blood.
I sent a forward scout.
He discovered that they were ready for an attack from that direction.
We rerouted. Pincered them.
That is not an omen.
If a donkey vomiting blood is not an omen, what is it?
A very sick donkey.
My mother told me that in the week before I was born,
a dozen white doves landed outside our house
and stayed there until the day I was born.
- The whole village still talks of it. - Orlo?
I don't think it was an omen, but, I mean, some villagers did.
Like I was special.
But we had a pecan tree, so sometimes in season birds would...
- Velementov, go find it and kill it. - Attack the lizard, ignore the Ottomans.
Understood.
I'm worried his love for Catherine is a brake on our plans.
And we cut a man's head off for nothing if we do not win.
And that was so much harder than you would think.
- It was the bone. - Nightmare, neck bones.
He needs to be got off Catherine and back on plan.
He needs a distraction.
- A lover maybe. - Could we not just have our own plans?
Like find him a lover. Someone we trusted.
That was almost one of us.
If we just kill her, he has some grief, cries about it for a bit.
You kill her, you'll have some grief
from him stuffing your eyeballs up your arse.
We just look for opportunity.
- Seen a lizard? - A what?
Now, Manchego or Brie?
Well, you decide.
Oh, hello. Who are you?
What are you?
I don't like that look. Is that for me or the mouse?
So many ideas we must unpick in this country.
- I mean, omens, really? - Crazy.
Usually they're much more specific.
Like, before my mother got smallpox, I saw a chicken covered in bees.
And I knew someone I loved was in trouble.
Right.
Here's a small thing I may have inadvertently not mentioned.
After the party last week...
I did something.
Well, had something done to me,
but at my behest, an order really, and obviously very hungover,
most likely still drunk actually, and also, I am pregnant
and apparently that does things to your bile and blood.
Is that a rose?
Cravings.
What did all that mean?
I got gone down on.
- By Peter. - What?
It was a one-off thing, driven by a number of the aforementioned factors.
I have spoken to him of its one-off nature.
- Nipped it in the bud. - So to speak.
Funny.
There was only one problem with the whole thing.
Only one?
My desperate desire for him to do it again.
- He's a fucking monster. - Marial...
It is like being shot from a cannon into the darkest sky
and watching stars blink on in their thousands around you.
A very lot of unexpected revelations going on.
I'm stunned.
You hate him.
I'd say he's evil, except he's too stupid.
- Find it? - It found us.
- Elizabeth, are you all right? - I am fine.
Took a chunk.
- Opium. - Opium?
I haven't had that in a few years. That is a deliciously dreamy sedation.
Take some and then three lovers, and it is quite the experience.
Who is on me? In me?
Am I at sea? In a tub, wearing fur.
- What did it look like? - It is a beautiful beast to behold.
I have my scientists working on what it is.
- It's a crocodile. - What? How do you know?
Well, at first, I was so shocked I didn't know what it was.
And then I realized I have seen them in books of the Americas.
Fascinating.
There's a book on the table.
- A crocodile. - Thank God it did not kill you.
I thought he would, but it seemed he preferred my mouse.
Alas, little Orestes... swallowed in a snap.
Then, off he went.
- Orlo, gather the court. - Why?
We know what it is, so we must go tell the court we know what it is
and put this omen business back in its box
with everything else from the 15th century.
They may feel safer to gather outside.
However.
- Basil, stand with me. - Of course, Empress.
The scientists at the academy have identified this lizard as a crocodile.
A species of North American river animal.
It eats small creatures, and can only be killed by stabbing it in the eyes.
Velementov is searching for this lost creature,
and I assure you he will find it.
But above all, know it is a real creature and not an omen or a sign.
Father Basil, don't you agree?
It seems it is real and that we know it is a crocodile.
That doesn't mean it's not an omen, of course.
That is in fact exactly what it means.
- How did it get here? - And why is it here?
- This is why it suggests omen. - Let us just deal with the fact it is.
That is the only actual fact here.
God sends signs that will make us sit up and take notice.
He is speaking to us, and we must listen.
No, we must be rational people not driven by superstition and foolish ideas.
- We must be led by science and reason. - Could it be to do with the empress?
She is new. The omen has appeared shortly after her reign begins.
It's not an omen!
The new archbishop says it might be, and he speaks for God.
No, he doesn't.
Let us all calm down.
Exactly.
Let me speak to this a moment.
There are such things as omens, and there are such things as crocodiles.
And sometimes a crocodile is just a crocodile.
I believe this is what you are saying, Patriarch.
Which is this? Who is to say?
Only God.
And as Patriarch, the only one among us who has a direct relationship with God,
I will go find out if it is an omen.
Perhaps relating to our new empress's rule,
and the fact that she is an interloper from elsewhere
come to wreak havoc on Russia.
Which is one possible interpretation.
Or perhaps, it is something else.
Merely a lost creature who was lost on a boat from the Americas,
and somehow, illogically, ended up lost in our court.
I will go and commune with God and let you know when God has spoken.
Calm yourselves, lock your children away and pray relentlessly,
as that is the only real protection from his wrath,
and I will reveal all soon.
- Amen. - Amen.
You!
Hello.
I thought that went well.
Basil did a good impression of Judas, didn't you think?
A simple backwoods priest out of his depth.
- You brought it in here. - A crocodile?
Where would I get a crocodile? Put it in a carriage from America?
I imagine it wasn't always that size.
It's a shame we're always trying to destroy each other
when we're really the only truly brilliant people here.
Bastard.
Mother never used that exact term, but not inaccurate.
- How? - It's a funny story.
Years and years ago, a monk missionary brought it back as a baby.
Lives in a hermit order up in the Caucasus.
Raised it, fed it mice and rabbits. Lived happily together apparently.
Power of love and all that, I suppose. Touching when you think about it.
I'd forgotten all about it, but I was thinking how I could deal with you,
and it popped into my head.
A vision from God.
- What do you want? - It's not me. What does God want?
- Fine. What does God want? - Three things.
One, you get rid of Basil and agree never to kill me.
Two, you make the Russian church the only church in Russia again.
And three, you come and meet God.
Repeat three, because it seemed mad.
Everything you say seems mad, but this had another level on it.
If we are to live in uneasy harmony...
I would like you to know God.
And he's coming for tea soon, is he?
- We will go to him. - Of course you will.
How rude of me.
Or I come in here tomorrow, having communed with him
and destroy you in the eyes of half the court,
and let the word filter out to the regions.
It will not unseat you, but no one will follow your agenda
as it will be the devil's agenda.
And it will erode you until you are pretty dust on the wind.
Archie. Always does love the extreme. He's showing you his strength.
The Church has power in that it holds the people's minds.
But he doesn't seem to want to destroy me.
Just push me back.
He did try to make peace, I suppose.
Cute.
It's pretty simple how we deal with it, isn't it?
We kill him.
Let's kill Basil too, because he threw you under the carriage out there.
I cannot kill Archie.
It will look like the omen was right and I was trying to stop him revealing it.
I cannot kill Basil as it will look the same.
He has us in a pincer movement.
We can wriggle, but how do we break free?
- I thought the answer was next. - More a summation of the position.
- Helpful. - Thanks.
- Sarcasm. - Understood.
We need to find and kill the crocodile.
Velementov.
On my way.
Elizabeth...
can you teach someone else the tongue trick for me?
- Why? - I let him do it to me.
Gosh. What exhilarating and surprising news.
Now I am reacquainted with the taste, I long for more.
- Marvelous. Good for you. - But not from him.
Why not from him? He is the safe choice.
- He has unnerving ideas of our love. - But you are not in love with him.
A woman should know how to let a man suffer his delusions,
whilst harvesting the fruit she needs from his farm.
Give in to your body.
Your mind is safe. Your heart impregnable.
So why not?
- You are up? - Yes.
I'm making Galileo planets out of boiled eggs for Paul.
Chicken egg for Mars, ostrich egg for Jupiter.
We can hang them up. Then, when he is sick of them, make a sauce gribiche.
Cute.
- What brings you here so late? - I could not sleep.
And wished to tell you in case you had not heard,
it's not a big thing, but there's a crocodile loose in court.
I heard about that. Probably an omen from God.
It is not an omen from God!
He might be mad his chosen one is not in charge.
Why are so few people in this court led by reason?
You seem tense, verging on overwrought.
Heavy is the crown.
- You mean "uneasy." - I do?
"Uneasy is the head that wears the crown."
It is a piece of Shakespeare.
No, I actually mean "heavy."
Often if I wore the crown, it would hurt my neck and back
and give me shooting pains all night. Wondered if that was it.
It is not.
It should not be so hard.
- I'm just trying to get people to... - Think like you.
- Yes. - Your arrogance is breathtaking.
My ambition is breathtaking.
You could just shoot a few people, then the others tend to follow.
Thanks for the advice. Clearly served you well.
Father used to say you must lead by instinct.
But what is instinct? It is heart and head.
Neither should ever lead. They must be fused like a two-headed turtle.
- I however, led by cock and sword. - Which is why you failed.
Indeed. An interesting insight. I will note it down.
- Are you actually noting it down? - I am.
Anything else?
It would be for the good of Russia.
Calm me for the decision-making process to be as well thought through as possible.
What would?
I need exact words as I am not a smart man, as oft pointed out by you.
You understand it would be a purely physical action of cause and effect,
not to be misread as anything else.
Well, as soon as I know exactly what it is you're saying,
I am at your whim.
It is not a whim.
It is a rational response to a confluence of circumstances.
And by that you mean...
Lick me.
Needed a cherry.
You're not scared to walk the halls?
- Danger lurks apparently. - Not afraid of danger.
Really?
Going to kill it, Smolny?
It's a prize. Just fuck knows where it is.
It's peaches. Remarkable.
No need to talk.
Must go.
- Could you kill it? - What? The crocodile?
Yes. If it is just gone, disappeared from court, the idea disappears too.
- Well, who kills better than me? - Exactly my thought.
And the irony of suddenly wanting that talent?
Swallowed whole for expedience.
The scientists say you must stab it in the eyes.
Fun.
I can just come find you when I've done it.
I would like to see it and not have you roaming the palace alone.
- Hold my hand. - I'm not scared.
And I'm not holding your hand.
Well, if we see it, I will have a split second to act.
If I'm not sure where you and Paul are,
I will spend that split second making sure you're all right and will be killed.
If I have your hand, I will know.
I will act on instinct.
Soft hands.
I remember that from when we first danced.
I remember how much I hated you, and yet, you could dance.
Killing, dancing, eating. My many talents.
- I meant pussy, by the way. Eating. - I know you did.
- Patriarch. - Father Basil.
Shouldn't you be outside, burning sage and reading scripture?
- I have several vigils running all night. - Good to know. Very reassuring.
- I feared I angered the empress today. - Merely wrong-footed her with the truth.
- What else are you here for? - Should I apologize to her?
Personally, I wouldn't.
Your truth is everything.
I was not backing down, just seeking peace between us.
Would you like to pray together?
Not really.
You should go tend the sage-burning vigils.
Those fires can get out of hand.
I am happy to roam around all night. I will eventually find the fucker.
No, you tried. Archie has me.
- It's like the raven. - Exactly.
You saw that all the time, didn't you?
Of course. I think like an emperor. Strategy.
Surprising, but seemingly true.
What would you do?
- You want my advice? - So, I can do the opposite.
I would kick the shit out of Archie,
burn down the entire palace with him and the crocodile still in it,
thereby letting everyone know not to fuck with me
and there are no limits to my fucking rage.
And then rebuild the palace with less gold and bigger rooms
so we could ride horses inside.
Love it.
I'm always here for you and Paul. Know that.
Strangely enough...
I believe you.
Okay.
I'll go meet God.
- Velementov. - Last truffle of the season.
- I thought you'd enjoy it. - In-fucking-deed.
Fine fellow you are. If I gave out medals anymore, you would have one.
I think... I think I'm hallucinating.
Before, I thought I saw you walking the hall with the empress.
Yes, the wife and I enjoy a nighttime stroll.
She needs my sage advice. Matters of state and whatnot.
Bullshit. She doesn't listen to anyone.
I jest, of course.
She came to me to get me to kill the crocodile,
as I'm well known as the best strategic killer in the land.
I'm a killer.
I'll kill the fucking crocodile! She doesn't...
Does she not think I can do it?
You are blusteringly drunk and smell monstrous.
Huzzah. Eat a fig.
Any word on how Sunduk spoke to the sultan of her?
He didn't speak of her because they cut his fucking head off.
They cut his head off?
Poor Sunduk. Lovely guy. Fucking hell.
So, they will war with us. Are you planning an attack before they do?
We should be.
My father always said,
"As the other man gets the first inkling there is a fight in the offing,
"you should have your knife in his liver and your knee in his balls."
Peter the Great. Great by name. Great by fucking name.
- To Father. - To Father.
To Peter the...
I...
I may... I may lie down. Just a little lie.
Thank you.
Unhappy, you say?
Generals need to be fighting someone. You do not give them someone to fight,
they'll fight you.
That's very pithy.
I'm writing new sayings down all the time.
And you thought I wasn't on my game, Grigor.
- I was wrong to doubt you. - Fucking wrong. I am in inspired form.
We will shake her from her pedestal, and she will fall into my arms.
Did I tell you how soft her hand is?
- You. Come with me. - Marial. Perfume stinks.
As does yours.
Don't play dumb with me, Shakey. You know what you've done.
Your little bit with the limping. Walking out into the middle of the courtyard
to eat crotch bread in front of me.
A good summation of my day. But your point is?
You're annoying me.
You used to eat crotch bread yourself.
I know.
- So, we go to meet God? - Indeed.
I am actually excited for you.
The idea of God at work is what has grabbed our people.
And it did not grab them, they grabbed it, for it is in them and they know it.
The crocodile is merely an idea that there is something beyond ourselves.
Okay, where's God? Or am I to be lured somewhere and attacked?
- Let me tell you a story. - Must you?
My mother was extremely, extremely fat.
Huge. Enormous woman.
Special furniture had to be built, our carriages braced,
and to see maids wrestle her into a gown the size of a tent
was like being at a French farce.
Her hands never touched me that I did not walk away
smeared in chocolate or pâté.
Picture painted.
See, she couldn't feel full, ever.
No matter what she ate, how much, always she felt empty and sad.
But I would look at her knowing I had a love she could not see
that would fill her in an instant if she could've seen it.
And then I was a man at court
in a rabid whirl of sick and savage consumption.
Alcohol, women, men.
Desperately filling my nights
and waking each morning untangling myself from someone
and feeling the emptiness like a cold shadow breaking through me.
And I heard a voice telling me to come home.
God.
And I realized God would fill me, and I would never have to search again.
I only wish my mother were alive to share that feeling.
Shall we?
- Here? - Here will be fine.
Eat the key to the doorway.
- Now what? - Now we wait.
- Are you actually excited for me? - I am.
- You are the strangest of men. - You don't even know the half of it.
- Did you see him? - I saw a oneness.
A unity of things. I was a plant and an ant.
No, but did you see him?
I saw that there is love and we are all a part of that love.
- Like that, you mean? - No.
An old man with a beard, and he shimmers,
and when he speaks, his voice booms like thunder.
I didn't see that.
I saw shining light.
Yes. An old man and his heart pours forth light!
No. Just light.
But I saw love.
And I see your love for God...
and for me...
which I never saw before.
- And I have disrespected it. - Perhaps we are each guilty of that.
We are fighters.
Perhaps that hides the truth of us both at times.
They love God, my people.
You showed me that.
Thank you.
But their thinking should not be controlled by these ancient terrors.
There's a modern world, Archie. Your church could be part of it.
God wants me to serve you. It's strange and at times inexplicable.
Together we would be formidable.
We could be the grit that makes the pearl for each other...
and I need you.
You know them, and you truly love them.
I will not kill you.
You have seen the light.
Even if not God.
Now, how do we get rid of this crocodile?
You must have had a plan.
Well, I had faith God would provide one when the time came.
Not really a plan though, is it?
So that was 11 dead patients in a day,
which was definitely a blow to the confidence.
But it sounds like only six were your fault.
True.
Well, it's good of you to feel bad about it.
Foolish really. Everyone dies. I can just stave it off for a bit.
The whole doctoring thing is actually fucking up people's view of death.
People are starting to get this attitude that death's a tragedy.
- Childish. - Indeed.
In light of the inevitability of our deaths,
shall we take some opium, and indulge in a little light bondage?
Why not?
Elizabeth, I was walking back and realized something.
It chose the mouse and not you, did it not?
- It did. - Vinodel, I need some of that opium.
Sorry for my curt response to your reluctance to go to war.
Apology accepted.
It is not a lust for blood. You know I... I feel for the soldiers lost,
but I also understand war is a place where men are found.
They look at death,
they understand life deep in their marrow. They...
They are asked questions with impossible answers and yet find them.
They embrace the dark in themselves, and so...
so understand the light.
And a country...
well, it's the same for it.
It will define us.
Not going also defines us.
I just know it is my fate, that battle.
I've known it forever.
Perhaps I will bring you a new fate.
Wouldn't call it fate if there were new ones.
Now we kill it?
No. Not the animal.
But we do kill the idea.
Court, I have communed with the Lord our God.
And the crocodile is indeed an omen.
It is an omen of what we face to change Russia.
A prehistoric creature, all anger and thoughtless disregard for life,
anarchic and selfish, lacking reason.
These are the things we must face down metaphorically.
And I have the crocodile.
This is a victory for reason and science.
The crocodile bit Duchess Elizabeth but preferred her mouse.
We cannot get close enough to stab its eyes,
and it is otherwise virtually impregnable unless it has eaten 34 opium-laced mice.
- Then it is sleeping like a baby. - Huzzah!
This is the Russia we create. It will be taken back to its home.
- We will go about our... - Its eyes are open!
Get it!
Kill it! Kill it!
Huzzah! Catherine the Great! Huzzah!
Huzzah.
- Are you sure about this? - Of course.
- Really? Just because you feel bad? - It's crazy, I agree.
Call if you need. Which you will.
Thank you, Shakey. We will have to work on those tea-pouring skills.
I can safely say they're not going to get better.
- I like cakes and cream for breakfast. - And men like thin women.
So, rethink that.
I thought you'd want to know we got the crocodile.
I heard. It was God's plan.
Perhaps.
Can I ask a favor after?
I am not returning the favor. It is clear accommodation.
No. I just miss some things by being in here.
As you know, I am a powerfully brilliant dancer
and am unused to not exercising this brilliance.
You wish to dance?
If it pleases you, and sort of even if it doesn't.
- We would need music. - I have music in my head.
That does not help.
- You are... - You don't like it?
I have different pieces, but I felt like something lively.
It is fine.
Something lively is good.
Shall we do that first?
Brilliant.
Enough.