Captioning made possible by turner entertainment group
Ordinary morality is for ordinary people.
This is for
Not returning my lawnmower!
Ow!
Always give back the things that you borrow.
Oh, that hoss delgado!
I want to grow up to be just like him!
You mean a sad, pathetic, muscle-Bound, dumb-As-Rocks,
Middle-Aged mama's boy?
Yeah!
He's a true hero!
Bah!
He's no hero.
That term has been so twisted that nobody even knows what it
Means anymore.
Hey, billy!
Guess what, yo!
My mom says it's safe for you to sleep over now.
I'm over my special problem, yo.
You're a hero!
Ugh!
I just ate 12 pizzas without throwing up!
You're a hero!
I just popped a huge pus-Filled pimple on my back.
You're a hero!
See what i mean?
Back in the old days, you'd have to do something really
Exceptional to be called a hero, like slaying an evil wizard
Or rescuing a princess.
But the one sure-Fire way of instantly becoming a hero was to
Fight a mighty dragon in a one-On-One battle.
Ok! I'll try that!
Try what?
Fighting a dragon!
So that i may become a hero, too!
You wouldn't last one one-Trillionth of a second.
Oh, please, grim.
I wants to be a hero, too!
As much as i'd like to see you get ripped to shreds by a
Dragon... Ok!
You can do it.
And i know just the person to train you.
Where are we, grim?
We're in the middle ages, a time when noble knights put on
About 20 extra pounds and decided to buy fast horses so
They could still impress the damsels in distress.
So, when are we gonna find a dragon, grim?
First, billy, you must learn from the greatest dragon-Slayer
Who ever slew a dragon.
Good old boss del... Aagh!
Hey, punchy?
What is it, little boy?
We need you to do something for us.
What do you want?
We need someone to turn this pathetic, sad, idiot of a boy
Into a pathetic sad dragon-Slayer.
I have a strict policy.
Ow!
Ha ha ha ha!
I don't work with idiots.
All right.
I'll cut you a deal.
You train billy to last at least one minute against a dragon, and
I'll let you beat the snot out of grim any time you...
Deal!
Mandy!
He looks just like... Don't remind me.
All right, listen, if we do this,
We do this my way or not at all.
The training will be long,
Grueling, and painful... Like when i make a stinky.
After the agonizing, torturous
Training is complete, maybe, just maybe... If you're lucky...
I'm not making any promises, but if you play your cards
Right, you might... Just might... Probably... Probably...
Become a hero.
But most likely not.
Yay!
Wait a second.
Prepare to scythe wipe.
Now listen, albert, before we get to the actual
Combat training, first things first.
I need this list of chores done.
But i want to learn how to kill!
In due time, albert.
Start the training montage footage.
Aah!
Now the armpits.
I take it you're upset by
Something.
Oh, yeah!
I'm tired of doing your stupid chores for you!
You said you were gonna teach me how to slay a dragon so that i
Could become a hero, but, so far, i haven't learned
Jack squat!
I say you have learned jack squat.
Grab that sword next to you.
Show me fan the flies.
Show me scrub my back.
Now show me chop the wood.
Oh, i get it!
By working me nearly to death doing all these chores, you were
Secretly teaching me combat training.
You are the greatest dragon-Slayer in the world!
Now, bobby, before you go and challenge any
Dragon to deadly combat, you must first learn about your
Enemy.
Can i just find a dragon and chop its head off and eat its
Skin and wear its bones like a hat?
Not yet.
Now, listen carefully.
There, beyond those hills, lies the last living dragon
And goes by the terrible name of killdozer.
I want you to go there and
Observe him in secret.
Find his weakness.
You must remain out of sight, for he won't hesitate to eat you
Whole.
Then can i eat his skin and wear his bones like a hat?
Yes.
Who is it?
It's me, billy!
I came to secretly observe you so i can find out your
Weaknesses so i can eventually chop your head off and eat your
Skin and wear your bones like a hat.
Hold on.
Hi, billy.
Welcome to my home.
My name's... Uh, um... Harold. No, no, no.
Irving.
Sylvester?
Ricardo. Samuel?
Ponch... Jamal!
Hey, killdozer, what's with all this exercising
Junk?
I like to work out.
It keeps my mind sharp and focused.
You like shakes?
I like shakes!
Say, you want to try one of my health shakes?
Nah, not right now. Ok.
I'll go get you one.
Here you go.
Good, huh?
Let me get this straight.
You like to work out all day and night and drink these gross
Healthy shakes.
It's no wonder you're the last dragon alive.
All the other dragons have all been out partying it up,
Living their lives to the fullest.
It's time to start living it up...
Billy style!
Aagh!
Yeah!
Wow, billy.
This is the most fun i ever had.
You're the greatest!
No, killdozer, you're the greatest!
It's too bad i gotta slay you tomorrow so that i can finally
Become a hero, or else we could hang out all the time.
Bye, killdozer.
So, did you learn that vicious dragon's weakness,
Billy?
I sure did.
Are you ready to be a hero then?
Yes!
Good.
Then your journey is almost complete.
Only one thing remains.
Hello?
Hello, vicious dragon.
This is sir boss del guapo... You may have heard of me,
The world's greatest dragon-Slayer.
No, sorry.
No?
Your friends never talked about me?
No.
I... I don't think so.
Huh.
Anyway, i called to challenge you to a fight.
The thing is, i'm not feeling too well at the
Moment.
I had a late night last night.
Well, according to the dragon code of honor, any dragon must
Accept any challenge made against him no matter what the
Cost.
See you at tartarus, dragon!
Tell killdozer i said hi!
No! Get away!
Tell him! I said no!
Hi, killdozer!
Get away from the phone, you little...
All right, russell.
You ready to become the hero you were born to be?
Hi, billy!
Hi, killdozer!
Oh, man!
Cut that out.
Now, attack the dragon and bring me back his head.
Yes, sir!
Billy, are you sure you want to go through with this?
I have to, grim.
It's the only way of becoming a true hero.
Now, step aside.
I can't do it!
I knew he didn't have it in him.
Enrique, what are you doing?
Slice his head off with your sword, man!
No!
I won't do it!
Dragons are our friends!
Well, if you won't, then i'll have to do it myself!
Die, vile dragon!
Quick, grim, your scythe.
Yeah, what about it?
Throw it to billy, quick.
Oh, right.
Billy, catch!
Billy, you saved my life!
You're my hero.
Hero?
Do you mean it?
Mandy, grim... I'm a hero!
I'm a hero!
You're no hero, billy.
You're just a boob who got lucky.
So, where did boss go to, grim?
I don't know, mandy.
The scythe could have completely obliterated him, or zapped him
Into some freaky dimension.
Egg rolls!
Half off today only.
Egg rolls, half off!
Hello, kind sir.
Would you like to come in and try our new egg rolls?
Hmm?
Egg rolls, huh?
Sounds good.
Man, that guy was ugly.
Oh, i hope dracula likes these peanut butter and blood
Cookies i made him.
I'll take cancelled tv shows for 300, alex.
See you later, kids!
I'm off to bother some old people.
Hey!
This show starred a bear with an evil brain attached.
Bye! Oh, come on.
Surely someone has seen that show.
I guess not.
This neutral country is famous for swiss cheese, swiss
Chocolate, and swiss bank accounts.
What is peru?
What is switzerland?
Switzerland.
Dracula knew that.
Hey, dracula.
How's my favorite retired monster?
Who you supposed to be?
Uh, i'm the grim reaper.
You ain't gonna take dracula without a fight.
Dracula still got lots of ladies to love.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm your friend, remember?
Here.
I brought these for you.
What them?
Cookies.
Look more like a box of pity.
Dracula don't need your pity.
Sorry to bother you, dracula.
I just wanted to do something nice is all...
'cause you're my childhood hero...
The guy i always looked up to...
Almost like a father-Figure.
The one... Let dracula see what you got.
Dracula hate peanut butter.
Oh.
Tell you what, though.
If you want, you can go with dracula to the early-Bird dinner
At fanny's cafeteria.
Dracula love the early-Bird special!
Especially the fried fish!
What are you doing? Uh...
I was gonna drive.
You think dracula too old to drive?
Move over.
Dracula show you he still got juice in his caboose.
Hey, dracula, are you ok?
Do dracula look ok to you?
Are we near fanny's cafeteria?
I don't think we're near anything.
Why we out here?
You were the one driving.
I thought you knew where you were going.
If you don't like the way dracula drive, then you take the
Wheel.
Hang on.
I'm gonna teleport us home.
Oh, wait.
Don't tell me i forgot to charge up this stupid scythe this
Morning.
Well, i guess we're walking back.
Dracula getting a tingling feeling.
Hmm.
Must be dracula's bladder acting up.
Here.
Let's keep you out of the sun.
They shambled on till their ankles hurt
The buzzards sailed high overhead
Riding on currents of thick hot dread
And the sun burned their hearts like an angry woman
It scorched their souls like an angry woman
Oh like an angry woman
And then out of the west blew a breeze of luck
18 wheels on a big black truck ♪ ♪ An angel of mercy
What was wrapped in steel with an unwashed man
Stinking up behind the wheel ♪ ♪ And the road stretched on
Like an angry woman and the cab smelled like
French fries like an angry woman phew
An angry woman ♪ What's that smell?
You know...
Everybody thinks that once a fingernail falls off, it's
Useless.
But that's wrong, see.
I've been writing a book about fingernail arts and crafts.
Yeah.
Take a look at this.
What's that?
Fingernail sunglasses!
The hardest part is finding the fingernails, so sometimes i
Substitute toenails.
Don't tell no one.
Say... You got some nice hands.
Dracula gonna get the heck out of here!
Dracula don't want end up in lancaster!
Calm down!
We'll be at the diner soon.
Hey!
You two ain't gonna steal my fingernail book idea!
Is you?
Uh, no.
I promise, it's all yours.
Don't nobody tell dracula what he can or can't do.
Dracula is all man!
If dracula want to steal something, then dracula gonna
Steal it!
Dracula, hush, please!
We're not gonna steal
Anything.
Speak for yourself.
Stop it!
Great!
Now i'm mad.
And when i'm mad, the only thing that calms me
Down is... The game.
Oh! 4 in a row!
I win again, see!
This is a fun game.
Hey, just a thought, but if you're here,
Who's driving the truck?
Oh, give me a break!
Well, fellas, i think i'm gonna...
Go on my own way.
No offense, but you two kind of creep me
Out.
Great.
Now how is dracula supposed to get to the early-Bird special?
This is all skeleton man's fault.
Dracula wanted to call a limo.
There aren't any limos in the desert.
You can't tell dracula what is or ain't in the desert.
Ok.
Then show me a limo.
There.
Dracula see a limo.
That's a cactus.
This limo hurt dracula's butt!
Like a pair of pants on an urban guy
Their stomachs cried out with a rumbling roar
Aagh!
All this stomping make
Dracula even hungrier!
If only there was something to eat.
Pass dracula some more of that cajun spice.
Mmm!
Tasty.
My babies!
Well, maybe if you didn't make your babies so delicious,
Dracula wouldn't have had to eat 'em!
Aagh! Ow!
Aagh!
You leave dracula alone!
Aagh!
I didn't mean jab me, dang it!
Aagh!
Oh!
Aagh! Oh!
Aagh!
Ow!
Oh!
Aagh!
Ow!
Oh!
Oh, now you're scared of dracula.
You afraid to find out what dracula made of 'cause dracula
Made of... Oh!
Dracula.
Dracula!
Hurry.
I'm in terrible pain!
You gotta suck out the poison.
Uh-Uh!
Dracula don't suck.
You're a vampire.
Vampires suck... Blood.
No, see, that's a myth.
Dracula scrape with his fangs and lick up the blood.
Like this.
See?
Scrape and lick.
But what about my poison?
Didn't you just hear dracula explain the scrape and lick?
Dracula gonna tell it again for dummies that don't pay
Attention.
Scrape and lick.
Dracula think your cookies nasty.
Need cajun spice.
Life begins, life ends.
We are all spokes on the wheel.
We are all hollow men.
Dracula?
Aah!
Dracula sleep underground, get his strength back.
Kind of hard though with skeleton man yelling all
Night.
"oh, the pain!
Ooh, it hurts so bad!
Somebody save me!" ha.
Skeleton man never shut up.
Well, i would have been quiet if you had just sucked out my
Poison.
Dracula don't suck!
Dracula... Scrape and lick, i know!
Now, get your butt up.
Dracula still gotta make it to the early-Bird special.
Why are you such a selfish old man?
What you say?
Nobody calls dracula old!
You care more about that stupid buffet that ended
Yesterday than you do about me!
What do you know about me?
Nothing!
You don't even know my name.
You're name is dummy!
And if you knew anything about anything, you'd know there's an
Early-Bird special every single day of the week!
You just don't understand!
You'll never understand!
Never!
No fried fish for dracula then.
Raggle-Fraggle!
Aagh!
A sand bandit!
Um... Actually, we prefer people of sand.
And after all the nice things i did for him, he still acts
Like a big jerk!
I'm sorry to hear that, grim.
Still, you're pretty lucky having someone to look up to.
Out here, i don't have anyone.
It's just me.
It gets lonely... So very, very lonely.
Do you ever get lonely, grim?
Hey, those microwave pizzas must be done by now.
Oh, i'll go check!
Why is my arm all itchy?
Those look like... Scrape marks!
Then that means...
Dracula sure hope nobody see him do this.
I gotta go!
I gotta go find dracula.
Here.
Take my car.
Thanks.
They caused property damage like an angry woman
Aah!
That was some mighty fine fried fish.
Yes, it was, dracula.
Yes, it was!
Your check, gentlemen.
Thank you, baby.
How much do i owe?
Oh, no, no, no.
This one on dracula.
Thanks, dracula.
Dracula pay it up front so we can get going.
What a swell guy.
Hey, grim.
How was... I don't want to talk about it.
It's useless.
But that's wrong.
[captioned by the national captioning institute
The hardest part is finding the
Fingernails, so sometimes i substitute toenails.
Ha ha.
Don't tell no one.