What is the speed of darkness?
Hello, "mr. Math" book.
I am ready to accept your knowledge.
Aaahh!
Oh, hi, principal goodvibes.
Aimez-Vous les sandwiches?
Day-Old tacos, s'il vous plait.
Know what that is, pud'n?
That's french, the language of love.
And do you know what the best
Way to show love is, pud'n?
Um... Cash money?
No!
By attending the annual
Valentine's day school dance.
Will do, sir!
Good boy.
Good, good boy.
Dear
Diary, no one feels pain as deeply as i do.
No one suffers like i do.
I am different.
I am alone.
If only someone would reach out to me...
Hey, junior.
Um, would you like to, um...
Walk me home after school today?
Can't you see i'm
Trying to write my dark thoughts?
I couldn't help but see you
Brooding over here, nergal jr.
I'm just not feeling
Very sociable, sir.
Oh, nonsense!
The valentine's dance is coming up.
It's the most sociable day of the year!
So you better get out there and
Start getting rejected by girls.
Yeah, yo, i'm gonna
Ask mandy to be my date.
She'll probably say no the first
Few hundred times, but i figure
I can wear down her spirit eventually.
Irwin, see if you can rub
Some of that confidence off onto
Junior here.
I'll rub it all over him, sir.
Good boy.
Good, good boy.
Aah!
Get back here, meat!
Aah!
What are you looking at, dork? Huh?
Maybe i need to adjust those
Glasses of yours.
Mommy!
Ooh, thanks for the save, junior.
No problem, cousin.
You want to hang out after school?
Really?
You want to hang out with me?
Yeah! It'll be fun!
Okay, but i'm usually
Allergic to fun.
I want to thank you guys.
It's nice to finally have some
Friends to hang out with.
Usually, i just go home, stare
At the wall, and let the
Intense, soul-Crushing
Loneliness overtake my very...
Check it, yo!
I finished mandy's valentine.
When she sees this, she'll have
To go to the dance with me.
What's it feel like,
Being in love, irwin?
It's a beautiful
Flower inside your chest that's
Trying to burst out through your rib cage.
Like my dad's heartburn!
My love hurts so much, so very much.
Love sounds amazing.
There it is, the
Sweetest crib of them all, yo...
Mandy's house.
She's really gonna
Flip when she gets your
Valentine's card. Yep.
Time to go give it to her.
Well?
I can't move my legs, yo.
I'm too... Terrified.
What happened to mr. Confidence?
It was all false, yo!
I'm not the cool stud you think i am.
Irwin, you have to
Give mandy your card.
You put your soul into making
It, your blood, your sweat, your tears.
Your puke.
No!
You've got to give it to her for me.
Just tell her i couldn't be here
Because i... Uh, uh... I had
Maximum diarrhea, yo!
Please?
For a friend?
Sure.
Oh, yeah?
Well, try me.
Just try me, mom.
That's what i thought.
What do you want, junior?
I brought you this
Valentine. It's from...
Valentine?
"roses are red, violets are blue.
I want to go to the dance with
You." yeah.
See, it's from...
Your card is clichéd.
But i accept your offer.
My offer?
You will pick me up at
5:00 p.M. Sharp and take me to a
Nice restaurant.
No seafood.
But... Here.
By signing this contract, you
Agree that there will be no
Hand-Holding, no hugging, no
Slow dancing, nor physical
Contact of any kind.
And flash photography is
Strictly forbidden.
Okay, see you friday.
But, see, irwin... Diarrhea.
Irwin, i'm sorry.
You stole my woman!
It was an accident.
I hate you!
I don't even know who
You are anymore.
No, really, who are you?
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Hey, son, i heard angry noises.
You want to talk?
I'm just mad at myself.
You wouldn't understand, dad.
Oh, wouldn't i?
I see.
You lost your new friends over a girl.
Does that make me a bad person?
No, son, that makes you a man.
Really?
Should you feel guilty?
Heck, no!
Feel pity for the dateless losers?
It's their fault for being lame weenies.
But i don't even know
If i like mandy.
Son, it's not about you
Liking a girl or a girl liking you.
What's important is that she can
Never get away from you.
Why do you think i moved to the
Center of the earth with your mother?
Hi, honey!
Nope, she ain't going nowhere.
Thanks, dad.
You helped me put things in perspective.
Get ready, mandy.
Here comes your date.
I got to stop making my hand big like that.
Say one word about the
Dress, and i'll kill you.
Let's get this thing over with.
Look at you two... Such a cute couple.
Ah, i remember my first
Valentine's dance...
Although i wish i didn't.
Hey!
Would you kids like to listen to
Some music?
Sure, dad.
Yeah, i bet you would.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the belle of the ball.
How's it going, grim?
Oh, it's great.
Yeah, i want to thank you for
Renting me out as a chaperone.
It's not like i had a hot date
Tonight or anything.
What?
It could happen.
Gosh.
It would be nice to dance right
Now. I'll dance with you,
Parvati.
Billy, you are my date!
Oh, e-Excuse me.
Trying to steal my
Girl, are you? What?
The nerve of some people.
Hmm... I don't like the way that jerk
Is looking at you.
Back off, man!
She's mine!
You 2-Timing floozy!
Junior, your jealousy
Is getting on my nerves.
It's not jealousy, mandy.
It's possessiveness.
There is a difference.
Look...
How's about you go get me some punch?
How do i know you
Won't try to escape?
Just get me some punch.
Nobody touch mandy!
She's my property!
Oh, hey, mandy.
Fancy meeting you here.
I guess you came with junior.
I came with some girl.
She's totally into me, yo.
Shake it, girls!
Shake it!
I mean, she's not you, but who is?
Although i suppose if you had a
Clone, she'd be you.
And that's when i discovered
I make excellent eggplant
Parmesan. You should come over and try it
Sometime.
Excuse me, principal goodvibes.
I have some business to take care of.
So, um, would you mind
A dance with me?
I turn my back for
One second, and you try to steal my woman!
She's not your woman!
She's my woman!
I made the valentine!
Well, i was the one
Who had the nerve to give it to her.
Well, i was the one
Who peed my pants 'cause i was so nervous!
She's the only one who likes me.
I'm not gonna let you take that away.
Try and punch me, will you?
Let's see how you like it when i
Punch you in the face!
What's going on over... Aah!
My shirt!
I'll punch you in the gut!
Try it, yo.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, no!
Huh?
Stop it!
Stop it, the both of you!
Okay, continue.
Aah!
I'm melting!
Looks like we're all
Out of punch, yo.
Okay, break it up.
Fight's over.
So, who gets mandy?
Nobody does.
See, i knew if i went with
Junior, he'd get bad dating
Advice from his dad.
Then irwin would get crazy
Jealous, and you two nerds would
Fight it out, eventually
Wrecking the whole dance.
Wow. She's good.
But why, mandy?
If i can't enjoy
Valentine's day, no one gets to!
So long, suckers.
So... This is love.
Huh?
Surprise!
Aaahhhh!
Happy teacher "asphyxiation" day,
Ms. Butterbean!
Billy... You... You were
Responsible for this?
Yuh-Oh.
This is probably the most
Clichéd, ill-Conceived,
Disruptive, most thoughtful,
Generous gift i've ever
Received. What you talkin'
About?
I didn't think anyone cared.
This kind gesture is enough to
Make me drop my gruff,
Authoritative persona and turn a
New leaf, as a kinder, gentler
Ms. Butterbean, thanks to you, billy...
And this apple, which i
Will now take a bite from
Without even washing it or anything.
Oh, my gosh!
I killed ms. Butterbean!
Ms. Butterbean, i'm so sorry!
See what happens when
You do nice things for people, billy?
They die.
Hey, kids, what's all the
Commo... Oh, my gosh!
This is an emergency!
Where the heck am i gonna find a
Substitute on such short notice?
All right, everyone, i'm looking
For a... Help me out here.
A ms. Eleanor "booter-Bean"?
This her?
You're too late, grim.
She's tragically returned to the
Land of the living.
My spleen is warm.
Oh, great... False alarm.
See you later, kids!
Hey, get back in that
Brain, hamster.
I'm not done thinking yet.
Wait!
Principal goodvibes, what if
Grim was our "sub-A-Sib-A-Tute"?
That way, we won't need to use
The inflatable teacher, like last time.
Great idea!
Well, what do you say, grim?
I don't want to toot my own
Horn, but teachers do live a
Privileged lifestyle.
You'll get fresh doughnuts every
Morning... Limit one per instructor...
A chance to park in the
Exclusive teachers' lot...
And we'll even start you at
Ms. Butterbean's wages... $2 an hour.
All you have to do is keep these
Little delinquents... I mean
Kids... Under control until 3:00.
If they act up, just send their
Butt to detention!
You mean to tell me
That if i take this job, all
These kids, including billy and
Mandy, have to do whatever i
Say, and if they don't, i can
Send them away to get punished?
And i get paid, too?
Yeah, pretty much.
When can i start?
Settle down, kids.
I am your new instructor.
They call me mr. Grim.
And i will not tolerate any
Flim-Flammery, shenanigans, or
Tomfoolery in the classroom.
Aww!
Aye, no shenanigans, no tomfoolery.
What a load of malarkey.
Now, everybody, open
Your books to chapter 13, "the
Unabridged history of the
Textbook," and we'll... No way, man.
You're just a sub.
You can't tell us what to do.
Listen up, kids.
See this?
This is my doom stick.
Aah!
Now, if any one of you
Snot-Nosed terrors so much as
Passes gas in my direction, hee-Yaa!
What the... Aah!
Aahhh!
Anyone else that wants
Some gets sent to the detention
Dimension, a nightmarish nether
Region where unruly children,
Like that smoke cloud you used
To call sperg, are condemned to
Classroom punishments that last
An eternity!
Any questions?
No? Good!
Now, children, open your books to page...
Good morning, class.
Grim, there's nobody here.
Very observant, mandy.
You were always very smart.
That is why you should do well
On my pop quiz!
What you talkin' about, grim?
Oh, it's simple.
Just trace this diagram on the
Board and read the inscription
From my copy of the "new jersey
Book of the dead."
I mean, if you can't do it, i
Guess i could just fail you or something.
Just give me that, you bonehead.
All it says is...
"hayna, hayna, ikee, wikee, wan, yay."
There. Do i pass?
Yes, mandy, you pass.
Oh, if you'd just listened to me
And studied last night, you'd
Know that the diagram you drew
Opens the portal to the
Detention dimension!
You set me up.
You took the stupid job just so
You could finally get rid of me and billy.
I know!
Pretty smart, eh?
No!
This is the dumbest mistake
You'll ever make because now i
Hate you in a way i never knew
Was humanly possible.
Take a good, long look at me, grim.
You won't see me again until the
Day i take your world away from you.
Aah!
Oh!
Well, that was
Easier than i thought.
Awkward!
Huh?
What is this place?
Sperg? Billy?
What's with everybody?
Mandy, put your head
Down and be quiet.
She'll hear you!
Who will hear me?
The boy refers to me.
Greetings, scary girl.
Your deformities are exquisite.
Do you know what i am?
Yeah... Ugly all day.
Your gangly, adolescent
Attempt to be clever amuses me.
I am the one in charge of the
Detention dimension.
I do not have a formal name.
You will simply call me ms. Slither.
Any disrespect will be met with
A severe degree of unpleasantness.
That will conclude my introduction.
Ms. Slither, i don't belong here.
The grim reaper set me up by
Making me draw this stupid diagram.
Silence!
Your excuse was so tedious, i
Almost slapped you.
Now is the time for punishment.
You, funny, egg-Shaped child...
You will be punished for
Speaking during eternal time-Out.
I sentence you to the endless
Clapping of erasers.
Yay! This is fun!
Ms. Slither, you're
Going about it all wrong.
You need to be more cruel.
Your advice is not welcome!
Go on.
You see, billy is an idiot.
He will only understand the most
Extreme measures of punishment.
Exploit his physical weakness.
Turn the erasers into heavy books.
Now, since he's in
Front of the classroom, let's
Humiliate him by exposing his
Embarrassing undergarments.
Aah! No!
My "sassy cat" underpants!
My secret shame is exposed.
Oh, why?
Brilliant... Truly disturbing.
That's not all.
Here. Let me show you.
Oh, indulge me.
Huh?
Aah!
Scary clowns!
They'll destroy us all!
Now to finish him off.
I am so full of anticipation
That my rattler has been sucked
Into my body cavity.
What the... Sp... Sp... Buh-Buh-Buh-Buh...
Spiders!
Oh! Get them off!
Scary girl, your cruelty warms my heart.
I loathe you.
Now hand me back my... Hey!
Where did you go?
Over here.
Auf wiedersehen, ms. Slither.
I can't say it was a pleasure,
Because it wasn't.
I'm out of here.
Hayna, hayna, jockomo feena nay.
But, mandy, aren't you
Going to rescue us?
Eh, i'll deal with
That in some other episode.
Ahh, this is the life.
With billy and mandy out of the
Way, i can finally start to relax.
Grim!
Great news!
You've done such a wonderful job
With the kids, i'd like to offer
You a full-Time position.
Oh, snap!
And i'll even start you at $2.50 an hour.
How's that sound?
Ya, man, that sounds great.
M-M-M-Mandy?
I don't think he'll be
Taking that position.
B-B-B-But how?
H-Hold on, now.
You can't hurt me.
I-I'm your teacher now.
No, grim, you don't
Teach history anymore.
You history.
Aaah!
So, honey, anything
Happen at school today?
Eh, the usual.
Isn't this fun, grim?
Oh, this is gonna be a long eternity.
Oh.
So, mandy, pretty sweet party or
What, right?
Mind if i steal a smooch, my love?
Oh, mandy!