Don't make me turn
This cartoon around.
Well, this ain't fanny's cafeteria.
40 years, i've been hunting you, dracula.
40 years of chasing shadows and
Rumors, of living in...
Get that light off dracula eyes.
Bet you never thought you'd see me again.
Who are you supposed to be?
I am lionel van helsing, your mortal enemy.
Hmm... Nope. Don't ring a bell.
Maybe this will help... A
Wooden stake through the heart!
No, dracula don't think that
Gonna help much.
Aah!
Get your big butt off dracula!
Die, vampire!
No, don't hurt him!
What'd you say?
Don't listen to skeleton man.
He nothing but a big dummy.
Dracula, hush!
I'm trying to save you.
Dracula don't need no saving.
Dracula can save his self.
Dracula hip must've gone out.
Just give dracula a second to
Catch his breath.
Look, calm down and
Drop the wooden stake.
Drop the stake?
Drop your head is what i should do!
Do you know who this monster is?
He's dracula, king of
The vampires... And my childhood hero.
You are a sick, little man.
Hero? I don't see a hero.
I see a bloodsucking demon.
No, no, no, that's a myth.
Dracula don't suck.
You give me a reason why i
Shouldn't end his reign of
Terror right now!
Dracula think... Quiet, you!
Uh... Um...
H-He's an excellent dancer?
Dracula can shake his booty.
Dracula has been like a father to me.
Why, just the other night, we
Were hanging out...
Dracula love miniature golf.
One adult and one
Senior citizen, please.
Senior citizen?
You calling dracula old?
Dracula, come on.
You live in a retirement home.
And, besides, the senior-Citizen
Discount saves you five bucks.
Dracula ain't no senior
Citizen. Fine!
Then you pay for your own ticket.
Fine! Dracula will.
Dracula gonna need to borrow five bucks.
My eye!
What the heck was that?
That's called dracula putting
A funk in the game.
You can't hit it that hard.
This is miniature golf.
You can't tell dracula how to play.
My baby!
Give me that.
You're gonna hurt somebody.
Oh, you afraid of dracula.
Dracula got too much game for you.
Uh, gentlemen, uh, i'm gonna
Have to ask you to leave.
You can't tell dracula what to do!
Look, old timer, you're causing...
Old timer?
Dracula show you who's an old timer!
Get back here!
Dracula gonna beat your butt!
Maybe that wasn't the
Most helpful story.
Dracula told you he was a dummy.
Hey, weren't you two on
The ground before the flashback?
The concrete hurt my knees
Something fierce.
And dracula needed more lumbar support.
Eh. Makes sense.
Now, give me a second.
I'm sure i can come up with a
Much better reason why dracula should live.
See, one time he...
No, he caught that place on fire.
Oh, there was a guy who... Oh, wait.
He needed stitches.
And therapy.
Anything?
Um... Maybe.
No, he was arrested that time.
Dracula hate you so much.
Please, sir, don't hurt mr. Dracula.
If you would just take a moment
And look at him through the
Innocent eyes of a child, you
Would see that he's not just a
Big, stinky monster.
He's a big, stinky monster who
Bites things.
One day, he came to my school to
Share his wealth of life lessons.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And that is how dracula do the
Scrape-And-Lick.
Now dracula gonna separate you
Into two groups ugly and dummy.
You ugly, you ugly, you ugly.
You a dummy. You ugly.
You a dummy, and you ugly.
You in both.
What purpose does this serve?
Dracula didn't ask for no lip!
Dracula trying to bring you an education.
Now, dummies, stand over there
And face that way.
And, uglies, stand over there,
Facing that way.
Now what?
Dracula didn't tell you to
Look over here, dummy!
You keep facing the wall!
Yes, sir.
So, baby, you want to see dracula dance?
Mmm, yeah, you like that?
Oh, yeah!
Dracula bringing the heat now.
And he never got invited back.
The end.
Dracula want call his lawyer.
Look, i'll admit
Dracula is no saint, but why do
You hate him so much?
He's harmless. Harmless?
Is it harmless to wreck a man's life?
Dracula gonna wreck your face
When he get out of here.
You're not helping.
See this?
A fist?
It looks mighty!
No, it's a friendship bracelet.
Okay, so, you accessorize?
No!
Look!
It's the same bracelet.
Then that means... Yes.
Dracula and i are...
Best friends forever.
Bffs?
Then why kill him?
It was hot that summer in endsville.
Dracula and i were trying to
Cool things down with our best strut.
Looking good, baby!
Dracula, my man, you know
What i love most about the summer?
Summer dresses.
Right on!
Hey, dracula, my man, you know
What flavor popsicle i like best? Fudge.
Right on!
Dracula, my man, you know which
Foot is my favorite?
The right foot.
Right on!
You wouldn't have found two
Tighter friends than us in the whole city.
We spent our nights out dancing
And eating pepperoni pizza, and
We spent our days working at the
Local factory as custom teddy
Bear designers.
What you think, man... Little
Purple hat or little orange hat?
Dracula digging on the
Grooviness of purple.
Whatever, man.
"whatever, man"?
Something wrong.
Dracula ain't never heard
Van helsing not care what he put
On a teddy bear.
Dracula, you ever think
There's more to life than
Designing teddy bears, dancing,
And eating pepperoni pizza?
What... You mean, like, sausage pizza?
Never mind, man.
You're talking about
Canadian-Bacon pizza, right?
I got to go get some air.
Vegetarian pizza?
Dracula can be down with vegetables.
Except garlic.
Dracula don't touch none of that.
I didn't really know what i
Was looking for.
Of course, i didn't know a lot
Of things back then, like a
Giraffe has only seven
Vertebrae. That's crazy.
You'd think with such a long neck...
Back off, jack.
I know karate.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't paying atten...
Girl, i wasn't trying to hurt you.
I've heard that line before.
Who was this woman in front of me?
She was beautiful, strong, and angry.
And then suddenly it hit me.
As i lost consciousness, a warm
Thought rose up.
I had found what i was looking for.
Hey! Hey!
Are you okay?
Sorry i whupped your butt.
Your friend dracula explained everything.
I'm sure you'll figure out what
Kind of pizza you want someday.
What's your name?
Tanya.
Well, tanya, perhaps sometime
You'd like to... Hey, foxy lady!
Want to see dracula dance?
I knew it was over for me then.
No woman could resist dracula's dance.
Let's get married!
Out of sight!
I listened to my broken heart
For a sign of what to do next.
But it was silent, like a silent fart.
And as you know, it's the silent
Farts that are the most deadly.
So i decided i would use my pain
To become a silent fart of vengeance!
And i would kill dracula!
That dumb story gonna make
Dracula throw up.
I promised myself i'd keep
Wearing this bracelet until the
Day i had my revenge.
Blah, blah, blah.
Gonna talk dracula to death.
That's what you gonna do.
I didn't know dracula
Was married. Yeah.
I wonder what happened to her.
Why don't you ask her yourself?
Irwin's grandmama is dracula's wife?
Hey, baby.
Don't you "hey, baby" me, dracula. Tanya?
You can't kill dracula, lionel.
He's my baby's daddy.
Dracula is my dad?
Dude!
Then that means
Dracula is my grandpapa, yo.
Dude! Yo!
Dude!
Yo!
Dude, irwin is half
Mummy, half vampire?
It would appear so.
What, what, what?
Does that mean i'm cool enough
To date you now, mandy?
A-A-A-A-Ah!
It burns, yo!
What was that... Mace?
No, garlic butter.
He's definitely part vampire.
A-A-A-A-Ah!
Why, woman, why?
A-A-A-A-Ah!
But you always told me my dad
Was a navigator on a spice
Freighter. Why'd you hiddity-Hide the
Truth?
'cause it would've broke my
Little baby's heart if he knew
Your daddy disappeared on us.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't you lay it on dracula.
See, here what happened.
Dracula was out mowing the lawn.
Hmm. Dracula thirsty.
Baby, bring dracula some
Refreshing lemonade!
Get it yourself!
I'm busy with the baby!
Baby, we ain't got no... A bat!
Aah!
Please, baby, please call an
Ambul... No, baby, no!
Not on dracula's face!
Ow!
Crazy woman try to kill dracula.
Dracula gonna get the heck out of here.
I didn't know you could turn into a bat.
Woman, everybody know dracula
Turn into a bat.
That's what dracula do.
I'm sorry, honey, baby.
Dracula sorry, too.
Sorry you so old and ugly now!
I guess we both got beat up by tanya.
So, you still feel the
Need to get revenge?
Dad!
Aah!
Dracula family a bunch of nerds!
No, what i feel the need to do is...
Strut!
No!
You get back here, put dracula
Out his misery!
Come on!
Look... Oh, they so ugly!
Dracula think these potatoes
Need more salt.
No, honey, the doctor said
You gots to cut back.
You can't tell dracula what
He can and can't eat!
Grandmama can, dracula!
Grandmama can.
Yes, baby.
Dude.
I can't believe we
Have to do a report on tall tales.
Hey!
I was around when some of the
Big names in tall tales were
Still in the scene...
Pecos bill, paul bunyan, john henry.
Name-Dropper.
Tall tales are important.
They're what made this country
What it is today.
You mean a bloated,
Directionless, omni-Corporation
Fixated on tawdry gossip and
Reality television?
Yep.
You should share your stories, grim.
Pecos bill was the
Rootin'est, tootin'est, six-Shootin'est,
Poop-Scoopin'est cowpoke ever to
Poke a cow in the eye.
He said... Don't say it.
He'll explode, grim.
It's not natural to
Suppress bodily functions, yo!
He's gonna blow!
No need to thank me for saving
Your life, yo.
Start the story, grim,
Before billy speaks again.
Hey... It was way back when
The american west was full of
Gold and trailers... Instead of
Just trailers.
I was doing a little bit of
Work, waiting for the 6:30
Twister to come through.
Ah! It's a twister!
Someone save us!
Sorry, lady, nobody can stop a
Twister that size.
You're all doomed!
Not so fast, twister.
Do not fear, citizens of the trailer park.
I, pecos billy, and my trusty
Steed, widowmaker, will tame this twister.
"pecos billy"?
I swear. It's true.
He called himself pecos bill and
Pecos billy because of the
Sometimes- "y" rule.
All right. Whatever.
Move on.
Where was i?
Ah, yes.
Pecos billy was all set to do
Battle with the twister.
Do not fear, citizens
Of the trailer park.
I, pecos billy, and my trusty
Steed, widowmaker, will tame this twister.
Like i was telling that
Lady, nobody can stop a twister that size.
Hey, but it's your funeral!
That all you got, you dirty twister?
Ow!
That all you got, you...
A-A-A-A-Ah!
Yee-Haw!
All right, kid, let's
Blow this thing and go home!
Left butt, red.
And that's how
Pecos billy saved the arizona trailer park.
That's the most
Ridiculous story i have ever heard.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
If that tale wasn't tall enough
For you, let me tell you the
Tale of the tallest tall tale of
All... Paula bunyan!
Um, "paula" bunyan?
Isn't it supposed to be paul?
There is a little-Known
Sometimes- "a" rule.
Anyway... [ old-Timey piano music plays ]
A-A-A-A-Ah!
You must pay the rent!
But if you saw me in half,
How can i pay the rent, loser?
Gee, i hadn't thought of that.
I suppose you can pay me half at
The beginning of the month and
Half... In the middle!
Can you hurry this
Sawmill thing up already?
I've got other appointments.
Look, this is my land, buddy.
Nobody tells me what to do on my land.
This is my land, you big lummox!
You're ruining my... Sod.
It's gonna be a cold winter.
I'll need this wood.
And t wood.
Aah! Help!
This heat is giving me split ends!
Well, this is just as
Good as a saw, i suppose.
You giant, melon-Headed, ape creature!
You've ruined my land and taken
My damsel in distress.
You set things right this very
Instant, or, so help me, i'll
Sue you so hard, your bank
Account won't know its fees from
Its assets!
Fine.
Talk to my lawyer... Babe.
Hey, babe?
I've got a guy out here who
Wants to sue me.
2-For-1!
This is totally awesome.
I'm still alive.
So, mandy, that's how
The grand canyon was born.
Would you like to hear another
True tall ta...
Well, i saved the best tall tale for last.
I know you can't wait to hear it.
This one's a doozy, the bee's
Knees, i tell you.
A tale of love and tragedy.
This is the best tall tale of
Them all, so you'd better listen to it!
Yes, sir, yo.
Oh, my gosh.
I peed myself.
The tale of john henry.
It was a dark and stormy night.
Hey, nonny-Nonny!
Chug-A-Chug-A, chug-A-Chug-A!
Who-O-O-O-O!
All righty, then.
On this, the fourth day of june in the year
One-Aught-Neener-Neener, we bear
Witness to one of the single
Greatest showdowns of our age...
Man versus machine!
Who will dig through the mountain faster?
Wh-O-O-O will survive?
I've got 10 bucks on the machine.
I'll win this contest
And the hand of my lady love, yo.
And... They're off!
I'm doing it all for you, baby!
A-A-A-A-Ah!
Drat!
He's keeping pace.
I can't let this guy win.
I need that 10 bucks for gas.
This ain't fair, yo.
That thing's on 'roids!
Oh, no!
Hyah!
And the winner is who?
The machine!
You rapscallion.
So, what happened to
What's-His-Face?
John henry?
Oh, i suspect that he was
Digging so fast that he broke
The laws of physics and rocketed
Into the eighth dimension.
We are smucktroids of the eighth dimension.
You will live here now and enjoy
Our culture and marry one of our daughters.
Marry an alien?
That's every boy's dream!
I'm gonna go home and
Write my report.
Ooh, i like the one
About the platypus.
That's the one i'll write about.
In case you haven't
Figured it out, he's trying to
Get you all fs.
I can get an "f" all
By myself, thank you very much.
Mandy, wait up, girl!
Sabotage!
Hmph!
Was my plan that transparent?
Still, in every tall tale, no
Matter how tall, there's always
A bit of truth.
Yee-Haw!
[ groans, whimpers ]