It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Rita Moreno.
* It's time to play the music *
* It's time to light the lights *
* It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight *
* It's time to put on makeup *
* It's time to dress up right *
* It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight *
My cousin's so dumb, he spent two weeks in London
trying to find the European Common Market.
* To introduce our guest star *
* That's what I'm here to do *
* So it really makes me happy *
* To introduce to you *
Miss Rita Moreno.
Ah! Ah!
* But now let's get things started on the most sensational, inspirational *
* Celebrational, Muppetational *
* This is what we call *
* The Muppet Show *
Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome to The Muppet Show.
And what a show we got.
We have music, comedy, 225 dancing elephants who, unfortunately,
left their costumes at home because they forgot to pack their trunks.
- I gave him that joke. - I wish I gave it right back.
But right now, let's get things moving with our special guest star,
the beautiful, lovely, terrific and talented, lovely Miss Rita Moreno.
Okay, great number. Hey, would somebody help that guy up the stairs, please?
She always does. She was. But was I good?
- Good? Piggy, honey, you're a ripsnorter. - Ha, ha.
- Hey, Fozzie, can you get that? - I'll get it, Kermit.
Hello, The Muppet Show backstage.
- Who was it? - The Water Department.
What the hey?
And now Veterinarian's Hospital.
The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob, I was operating in the other room.
I know. It's the talk of the hospital.
Booga booga!
Cut that out. Let me have the ear thing.
Ear thing, Dr. Bob.
Ooh, feels good. Stick.
- Stick, Dr. Bob. - Fetch.
- What's that all about? - That's my laboratory retriever.
- Good girl. - Thank you.
- Oh, what do you think, Dr. Bob? - I think this man is sick.
- He ought to see a doctor. - But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor.
- That's your opinion, I'm outta here. - No, you're not.
You can't leave, Fozzie, Dr. Bob is the only one who can save you now.
- She's right, I saved over 500 last year. - What? Patients?
No, dollars.
- Of course, I also lost over 100 pounds. - What? In weight?
No, in England.
Dr. Bob, you should be ashamed of yourself.
You call yourself a doctor, Dr. Bob?
I'd never call myself a doctor. They don't come when you call them anyway.
Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say:
Dr. Bob, you've lost all your patients.
I can't help it, I got a short temper. About this tall.
Can I go now?
Okay, a little shaky. A little shaky, guys.
Well, your timing was awful!
- What do you know about time? - I know your face would stop a clock!
Pork chop!
- Hey, Fozzie. Can you get that, please? - Yeah, Kermit, I'll get it. Whew.
Ahem, ahem. Hello, Backstage, The Muppet Show.
- Fozzie, who was it? - Hm?
The Fire Department.
I think this is what they call a running gag.
No, that's what they call a running gag.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline, Fresno, Mr. Thomas Galli, or Galley, spent the last 27 months
teaching his pet chicken to dance classical ballet.
Last Saturday, the chicken passed her auditions
and became a member of the Royal Copenhagen Ballet.
Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish to move to Denmark,
so she fricasseed the ballerina for lunch.
Oh. Speaking of lunch, I wonder what the Swedish chef has up his sleeve.
A summons from the board of health, I wager.
Flip.
I got it.
Uh…
The Muppet Show. Backstage.
- Fozzie, who was that? - Las Vegas.
They're a nice-looking couple.
Yeah, but a couple of what?
I hear you come from a broken home.
Yeah, I broke it myself.
- Two, three, dip. - Aah!
- Dip. - Aah!
Aaah!
Does one ever encounter sharks in these parts?
Oh, no, absolutely not. Never, why do you ask?
Just curious.
I hear that the president said that you shouldn't panic if you don't have a job.
That's easy for him to say. He's got a job.
I don't think we should come to this ballroom any more.
- Why? - It attracts a lower class of animal.
Oh, well.
Aah!
I have a gnawing feeling you're right. Let's tango.
* I started on a journey Just about a year ago *
* To a little town called Morrow in the state of Ohio *
* I've never been much of a traveler And I really didn't know *
* That Morrow was the hardest place I'd ever try to go *
* So I went down to the station For my ticket and applied *
* For tips regarding Morrow Not expecting to be guyed *
* Said I, "My friend, I'd like to go To Morrow and return *
* No later than tomorrow For I haven't time to burn" *
* Said he to me *
* "Now let me see if I have heard you right" *
* You'd like to go to Morrow and return tomorrow night *
* You should have gone to Morrow yesterday, and back today *
* For the train that goes to Morrow Is a mile upon its way *
* If you had gone to Morrow yesterday Now don't you see *
* You could have gone to Morrow And returned today at three *
* For the train today to Morrow If the schedule is right *
* Today it gets to Morrow And returns tomorrow night *
* Said I, "I'd like to go to Morrow So can I go today *
* And get to Morrow by tonight If there is no delay?" *
* "Well, well," I said to him, "And I've got no more to say *
* Can you get anywhere tomorrow And get back again today?" *
* Said I, "I guess you know it all But kindly let me say *
* How can I get to Morrow If I leave this town today?" Said he *
* "You cannot go to Morrow Anymore today *
* For the train that goes to Morrow Is a mile upon its way" *
* I was so disappointed I was mad enough to swear *
* The train had gone to Morrow And had left me standing there *
* The man was right in telling me *
* "You are a howling jay You cannot go to Morrow" *
* Well, I guess in town I'll stay *
I don't get it.
Right now, friends, I am proud to present a group of performers
that I personally discovered in the waiting room
of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio.
They weren't performing there, they were just waiting.
Anyhow, let's bring them on with a big hand, Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphones.
Ole, ole, ole.
Thank you, thank you and gracias. Thank you.
I am the beloved Marvin Suggs.
And now presenting the performing members of the Muppaphones.
- Move it. Yeah, yeah. - Another day, another headache.
Attention! Ahem.
Tuning up.
- Ow. - Ow.
Ow.
Oh, no. Move it, Marvin. Move it. Move it, Marvin. Move it. Move it.
Attention!
Tuning up.
- Ow. - Ow.
Ow.
Move it, Lucy. Move it. Move it, move it, move it.
Attention!
Tuning up.
- Ow. - Ow.
Yes, yes, yes, Marvin, you've done it!
- Bernard. - Hm?
Ow!
And now, "Lady of Spain."
The song.
* Ow, ow, ow, ow *
* Ow, ow, ow, oooow *
* Ow, ow, ow, ow *
* Ow, ow, ow, oooow *
* Ow, ow, ow, ow *
* Ow, ow, ow, ooow *
* Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow *
* Ow, ow, ow, ow *
Can we have quiet here? Can we have a little quiet? Quiet! Quiet, please!
Aagh!
Okay, time again to raise the intellectual level of our program,
as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance.
Our special guest tonight is Miss Tiffany Gonzalez.
Hello, hello.
Aloha, Tiffany. And our question of lasting importance:
"Is conversation a dying art?" What do you think, Tiffany?
Well, yes, Kermit, people don't know how to talk.
They speak gibberish. They don't say nothing.
You talk to people, they don't listen.
Fabulous, I'm talking to this crazy guy, I'm talking about war and peace.
Then he tells me something about the price of coconuts. Am I crazy or is he crazy?
- What did she say? - I wasn't listening.
I was listening and I still don't know what she said.
What's the matter with you? You don't understand English?
No, I don't understand English.
- Wait a minute! - Don't make fun of the lady's accent.
What accent? Listen, butch, I speak as good English as the next guy.
Yeah, if the next guy is Desi Arnaz.
- Piggy, please. Girls, if you… - Excuse me, I want to talk…
Listen, you.
How would you like a high heel in your ham hocks?
- Well, I never. - What about conversation as a dying art?
If conversation is a dying art, you killed it! Ha, ha.
Piggy, please. Why don't you let Tiffany and The Guru talk?
"Tiffany and The Guru." Didn't that star Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon?
- I saw that movie. - Listen, your time is almost up.
Listen, in my country we have a seldom-used saying:
"When the swine lubricates the automobile you end up with a greased pig."
That don't make sense.
I know. That's why it's seldom used.
In my country we have a saying too:
What is that supposed to mean?
That means one more crack from you and you're one dead enchilada!
And who let this wacko taco on the panel?
Listen, how would you like to take a flying leap into a sausage factory?
- Don't touch me! - Okay, I'm sick and tired of you!
Come over here! Come here! She's a coward.
Well, the question is "is conversation a dying art?"
And I don't think it is, but it is severely injured.
Tune in next week when our topic will be improving US-Latin American relations.
That Miss Moreno is easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears.
Yes, in fact, I just got a concussion from that discussion.
The Muppet Show. Backstage.
Okay, who was it this time?
The Atomic Energy Commission.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
There is no news tonight.
Hey, listen, Rita, at this time in the show…
- Kermit, Kermit, before you go on. - What?
I just have to tell you that I have always been a Muppet nut.
That I love all of you so much.
A frog is very ticklish. Hey, but listen.
This is the part of the show where we have what we call our "talk spot," you see,
where the guest sits here and talks casually and spontaneously with the frog.
I know, but, Kermit, haven't you ever noticed on these variety shows,
when they have a talk spot, the actors come off so phony?
I mean, you know that they're rehearsed. You know that they are reading cue cards.
Yeah, but, Rita, on our show, on our… Wait a minute…
"But Rita, but Rita, on our show,
we do not use any cue cards, Rita,
on our show, we do not…"
Kermit!
- I was just kidding there. - Oh, sorry.
Kermit, can't we just please do it Muppet-style. Let's ad-lib it.
Oh, you mean ad-lib, just sort of… Yeah, just make it up?
I don't mind. Sure, yeah, just chatting, like that. Sure.
I don't mind, but there are others who might take offense.
- Like who? - The guy who holds the cue cards.
Nice lady no want Sweetums to hold cue cards?
Well, I, uh…
No.
Nice lady let Sweetums hold something else?
Oh, sure, you can hold anything you want.
- Uh-huh, that best offer me have all week. - Aah!
Happens so often on our show, our guest stars just get carried away.
As all of us right-thinking people know,
Wayne and Wanda are the only truly uplifting act
on this whole questionable program.
So with a sense of awesome pride,
I present the singing team of Wayne and Wanda with "Goody Goody."
Oh, goody, goody.
* So you met someone Who set you back on your heels *
* Goody Goody *
- Okay, moving right along, friends. - Stall, stall.
Yeah, okay.
Once again, by popular demand, Mr. Fozzie Bear.
Thank you. Yeah, love you all. Yeah. It's me again, the old Fozzie Bear.
Hickory dickory dock, a laugh a minute by the clock.
Oh, yeah, well, you better check your clock. It looks like it stopped.
I go with a lovely girl. She's so bowlegged,
when she stands around the house, she stands around the house.
Hey! Hey! You remind me of Charlton Heston.
- Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes. - Well?
Well, I'm good enough to play the Palace.
You're not good enough to clean the Palace.
- Didn't you like my last joke? - Yes, if you promise it's your last joke.
You guys wouldn't know a good joke if you fell over one.
Well, we're not in any danger with your act.
Okay, on-stage for Rita's closing number. That's Rita, Floyd and Animal, please.
On-stage, on-stage.
Okay, everybody ready…
- I'll get it. - Don't answer that phone!
- I got it. - No, Fozzie, do not answer that telephone.
Oh, but, Kermit, all these terrific funny things happen when I do answer it.
- I'm aware of that, I'm aware of that. - Watch out, I'll get it.
Is there no end to this running gag?
Well, I guess that puts an end to this running gag.
Yeah, and also to all the incoming calls.
* Never know how much I love you *
* Never know how much I care *
* When you put your arms around me *
* I get a fever that's so hard to bear *
* You give me fever *
* When you kiss me *
* Fever when you hold me tight *
* Fever *
* In the morning *
* Fever all through the night *
Oye, buddy.
It's not nice.
So cool it.
*Sun lights up the morning *
* Moon lights up the night *
* I light up when you call my name *
* 'Cause you know I'm gonna treat you right *
* You give me fever *
* When you kiss me *
* Hold me tight *
* Fever *
* When you kiss me *
* Fever when you hold me tight *
* Fever all through the night *
* Fever *
* All through the night *
That's my kind of woman.
Well, once again, folks, we've come to the end of the show,
and I cannot but pause to thank our lovely guest star, Miss Rita Moreno.
Ole.
Wish you wouldn't throw things on the floor. We try to be neat around here.
Oh, that's okay, Kermit. He loves it, I had lunch with him today.
Okay, if you say so. Hey, thank you, Rita. And thank you all.
Join us next time on The Muppet Show.
Fozzie, go backstage.
I still couldn't find the chewing gum.