It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors.
* It's time to play the music *
* It's time to light the lights *
* It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight *
* It's time to put on makeup *
* It's time to dress up right *
* It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight *
My cousin is so thin, he paints his head gold and rents himself out as a flagpole.
* To introduce our guest star *
* That's what I'm here to do *
* So it really makes me happy *
* To introduce to you *
Mr. Jim Nabors!
* But now let's get things started On the most sensational, inspirational *
* Celebrational, Muppetational *
* This is what we call *
* The Muppet Show *
Thank you. Thank you, thank you. All right.
Here we are once again with another great show for you,
with our special guest, Mr. Jim Nabors,
and all of this is coming to you, by the way,
from the Benny Vandergast Memorial Theater.
We on The Muppet Show owe everything to Benny.
Including three months back rent.
So in lieu of the rent, here's the fantastic Dr. Teeth with "Money."
Yeah!
* Don't want no loving Don't want no kissing *
* Don't want no gal to call me honey *
* Don't want my name In the hall of fame *
* Just want a big fat pile of money *
* Give me that almighty dollar For that lettuce, hear me holler *
* Give me buckets full of ducats Let me walk around and wallow *
* In mazuma, el dinero Wanna be a millionaire-oh *
* Give me money, money Money, money, money *
* I want that green ammunition That's the stuff for which I'm wishing *
* Fill my closets with deposits I'm a demon in addition *
* Give me shekels, give me pesos Let me see their smiling face-ohs *
* Money, money, money, money, money *
* Wanna get me a suit That's made out of loot *
* And whistle "The Wearing of the Green" *
* I've got that monetary-itis Like to be just like King Midas *
* Want that golden touch Is what I mean *
* Give me that old double eagle Want that tender that is legal *
* And financially substantial Any sum I can inveigle *
* Wanna live in regal splendor With that loving legal tender *
* Money, money, money, money, money *
* I'm a greenback collector, I'm a paper-bill inspector *
* I'm a savage for that cabbage Man, to me it's golden nectar *
* Pour that filthy lucre on me Spread those loving germs upon me *
* Money, money, money, money, money *
* And if they ever plant trees Of e pluribus unum *
* I wanna be the guy That they send out to prune 'em *
* Oh, give me money, money Whoo, money, money, money *
* Money *
Oh. They don't write the old songs anymore.
Yeah.
- They only write new ones. - Yeah, huh?
Oh, Dr. Teeth, you are one hip dude.
Nice number. Don't lose any money though.
Oh, I won't, I won't.
- Hi. Are you Kermit the Frog? - Uh, yeah.
- I'm Scooter. - Cute. Cute name.
- I'm your new gofer. - Gopher? No, no.
We have frogs, pigs and chickens around here, but never a gopher.
You don't even look like a gopher.
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, well, you don't understand. You see, I'm your new gofer.
Yeah, I'll gofer coffee, I'll gofer sandwiches, gofer anything you need.
- I see. - Yeah, I work real cheap,
and I got plenty of ideas for your theater, and I'll start tonight, okay?
Listen, kid, I'm sorry, but you're too young,
you don't have experience, and I don't have any money in the budget.
Yeah, well, my uncle owns this theater.
Start today, get me a cup of coffee. Your salary is 20 a week.
- Stand by for the next number. - Could you make it 25?
- Are you kidding? I can't afford it! - My uncle will be really disappointed.
How about 30?
- My wife's not feeling well. - Oh, sorry to hear it. What's the trouble?
She's got the shingles.
We're real proud to have with us on the show
a gentleman who has two distinct personalities.
He's a real country boy who became famous as Gomer Pyle,
and he sings everything from pop to opera.
So let's give a real Muppet Show welcome to Jim Nabors!
* Gone with the wind *
* Just like a leaf that has flown away *
* Gone with the wind *
* My romance has flown away *
* Yesterday's kisses Are still on my lips *
* I've had a lifetime of heaven *
* At my fingertips *
* Now all is gone *
* Gone is the rapture That thrilled my heart *
* Gone with the wind *
* The blackness that filled my heart *
* Just like a flame *
* Love burned brightly, then became *
* An empty smoke ring that has gone *
* Gone with the wind *
* Now all is gone *
* Gone is the rapture That thrilled my heart *
* Gone with the wind *
* The blackness that filled my heart *
* Just like a flame *
* Love burned brightly, then became *
* An empty smoke ring that has gone *
* Gone with the wind *
Eh, that Jim Nabors is a real good sport. A real good singer.
I used to live next door to him.
He was a real good neighbor. Heh-heh-heh!
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Billy Lee Boomer, a gas station attendant from Penny Box, Texas,
reported a flying saucer landed at his station last night.
Said Mr. Boomer:
They didn't want no gas, they just wanted to use the restroom.
Can't say as I blame them. Said they'd traveled 83 million miles without a stop.
No, I don't know when we're going on either.
- Hey, Kermit, here's your coffee. Whoa! - Oh!
- Hot, huh? Just the way you like it. - Oh, oh, oh.
- Too much sugar. - Well, anyway, I just found this
- fantastic new act. - Scooter, I don't have time on the show
- for a new act. - Oh, that's too bad.
I found it in my uncle's office. It's his favorite act.
- What's the name of the act? - They're called the Danceros.
- They are fantastic. They're out of sight. - And they're your uncle's favorite act.
- Right. Oh, boy. - I'll introduce them.
Hey, Danceros! You're on!
Okay, now with great pride, and, ahem, no little fear,
the international debut of the Danceros.
Whatever they are.
Take it.
Going home!
It went better in rehearsal.
- Hey, Animal. Are you on next? - Yeah.
Well, as they say in show business, break a leg.
- What? - I said, break a leg.
Oh, thank you.
- Ow! - Ha-ha-ha!
- Ugh. George, George. Come here. - I'm busy.
Come here. Have you met Scooter? This is Scooter.
He's our new gofer, so if you need anything around here, you know…
Need anything? Me? Need anything from some young kid? Huh.
Listen, I've been with this theater since the very beginning, you know?
Before that new guy bought it and ruined it.
Now the roof leaks and the seats are torn, furnace is on the fritz…
- He is the worst. - Yeah, he's my uncle.
He is the best.
- What's a theater without problems? - Right.
Your uncle's got a good head on his shoulders.
Unlike some people around here.
Ten, 11, 12…
Yeah, go.
You know, my marriage was wrecked by something really stupid.
- What was that? - My husband.
- My doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu. - What did he say to do?
He says take two fortune cookies and he'd call me in the morning.
- Do you believe in the hereafter? - Oh, yes.
Wow, then you know what I'm here after.
Oh, I just love this music.
Are you listening to me?
Your voice is music to my ears.
You got something I've been looking for all my life.
Well, it's halftime.
- It is? - Yeah.
- What's the score? - Muppets six, audience nothing.
All right, now this is what you call your dog kind of music here, as you'll see.
Sing it.
* Bowery corner *
* Foggy night *
* Passing crowd *
* Electric light *
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
* German chef *
* Can of tin *
* Sausages are boiled within *
Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf.
* Yellow dog *
* Nearby prowls *
* Smells a sausage *
* Softly growls *
* Clumsy man *
* Wooden leg *
* Upsets the boiler with his peg *
* Spills a sausage *
* Scatters wurst *
* Yellow dog, he gets there first *
* He grabs the sausage *
* Splits the fog *
* It's another case of dog-eat-dog *
Hey, Jim, it's a real pleasure to have you with us.
Thank you, Kermit. It's a real pleasure to be here.
I'm sort of an old country boy and I feel right at home
with all these chickens and roosters and pigs.
Especially that Miss Piggy, I just love her.
- Piggy Lee. - You called, my love?
Hey, Miss Piggy.
Piggy, if you don't mind, Jim and I were just trying to hold a quiet conversation.
Oh, go right ahead. Don't mind me.
Kermit, one thing, I never know whether to call him Jim or Gomer.
I guess it is confusing. I played Gomer Pyle on television for…
- I love Gomer Pyle. - Oh, thank you.
Well, I played him for so long I guess I get confused myself.
But it goes along with my astrological sign. I'm a Gemini.
That means I got twin personalities.
- Yeah. Hey, listen, I'm a Taurus. - You're Taurus.
- That's the sign of the bull, isn't it? - Mm-hm.
I'm a bullfrog.
- That's just a little joke. - What sign were you born under, Piggy?
Well, I wasn't born under a sign, I was born over a sign.
At Becker's Butcher Shop.
I moved as soon as possible.
- I don't blame you. - Mm, mm.
I was wondering, does being a Gemini give you any kind of problems?
It sure does, you know, because I talk like this, but then I sing like this:
- What happened to Kermit? - He doesn't appreciate classical music.
But it drives me bananas.
- Oh, sing again, please… - Wait a minute, Miss Piggy.
- Oh, Jim! Oh, I love it when you sing. - Control yourself, Miss Piggy, Kermit!
- Kermit? Kermit? Could you… Hold it. - Yeah, Fozzie, what?
Listen. "What?" Listen. Listen.
There is a kid following me all around the theater.
Yeah, I know. His name is Scooter.
- Cute. Cute name. - Yeah.
The trouble is, you see, he's following me
and giving me these jokes for my act and they are awful.
Fozzie, how would you know?
How would I know? Smarty-frog.
Okay, listen. Here's one of these jokes he gave me. It's terrible.
Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes.
I stay at a hotel so exclusive room service has an unlisted number.
That's funny!
Scooter!
Scooter?
Here they are, the world's finest and most morally unobjectionable singing team,
Wayne and Wanda.
And now, "Indian Love Call."
* When I'm calling you *
Hey, baby. You called?
Okay, uh…
Uh, here we are, moving right along now, the comedy star of our show,
the man who comes to us from a very long engagement,
but a very short marriage.
The man who thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom.
I'd like now to bring out one of the top comics of the business…
Hey, since he's not here, bring out the regular guy. Ha-ha-ha!
Okay, here he is now, our very own barrel of boffs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Thank you. Thank you.
Time for fun with Fozzie Bear. Here's some jokes from everywhere.
Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear.
Time for the audience to go elsewhere.
Ahem. If you don't mind, I'll do the jokes.
We don't mind. But when are you gonna do them?
Pay no attention to them, folks.
They don't bother me, I can handle hecklers in my sleep.
Oh, well, don't tell that to the audience. They're asleep too.
Uh, uh…
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
- Oh. Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
Listen, I'm gonna tell you my best joke and if you don't laugh
then I'll never come back out on this stage again, okay?
- It's a deal. - Yeah.
Oh.
Ah, ah, uh, uh…
These two cannibals were talking. One cannibal says to the other cannibal:
"Who was that lady I saw you out with last night?"
The other cannibal says, "That was no lady, that was my lunch."
I got you, I got you. And I lied. That was my worst joke.
Oh, I love me when I'm good. Pacing, timing…
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
Well, either we're getting soft or we're in the first stages of senility.
- Oh. - Uh.
Golly.
Here it is, my first night at Benson's Bakery as a watchman.
And I gotta be real careful to not let anybody in here.
Uh-oh. Here comes somebody now.
Wait! Stop right there. Stop right there. Put up your hands. Put up your hands.
- I beg pardon? - Your hands. Put them up.
Oh. Oh. Okay.
- What's that? - Those are my hens.
- Where shall I put them? - Well, right here on the table, I guess.
Okay.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. What right have you got to be here?
What rat do I have? Well, I got this rat right here.
Oh, well, I guess you do have a right to be here.
Mm. Thank you.
- Now, wait a minute. Don't move a hair. - Okay.
- What's that? - That's the hare I'm not supposed to move.
Now, wait a minute. I don't want beef out of you.
No beef, okay. Here's some pork.
No, no. Now wait just a minute.
What are all you animals doing here? This is supposed to be a bakery.
You see, the farmer's been losing money. We came here to raise some dough!
Well, well, well, I'm glad we got that straightened out.
For a minute there I thought you were just being silly.
Let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin…
- Hi, Fozzie, - Let me tell you…
Oh. Oh. Hi. Hi, Scooter.
Hey, Fozz, you know,
I think you're the greatest comedian there ever was.
Me?
You think that I'm the…
Oh, wow.
- Really, I mean it. Cross my heart. - Yeah?
You're the best. Nobody, nobody tells a joke as good as you.
Every line, every joke, everything you say, it makes me fall down laughing.
- You're a million laughs. - Okay. Hey, hey.
In that case, let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin.
He's so rich his automobile's fitted with a prescription windshield.
Okay, tell me about him.
Lucky his uncle owns this place.
That was a joke!
And now, once again, folks, Mr. Jim Nabors.
* Well, life on the farm Is kinda laid back *
* Ain't much an old country boy Like me can't hack *
* It's early to rise And early in the sack *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* Simple kind of life Never done me no harm *
* I'm raising me a family And working on a farm *
* My days are all filled With an easy country charm *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* Well, I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle *
* The sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle *
* Life ain't nothing But a funny, funny riddle *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* Work's all done And the sun's setting low *
* I pull out my fiddle And I rosin up my bow *
* The kids are asleep So I keep it kinda low *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* I'd play "Sally Goodin" All day if I could *
* But the Lord and the wife Wouldn't take it very good *
* I fiddle when I can And I work when I should *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* Well, I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle *
* The sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle *
* Life ain't nothing But a funny, funny riddle *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
Yaa-ha!
Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo! - Yahoo!
* I wouldn't trade my life For diamonds or jewels *
* I never was one of them Money-hungry fools *
* I'd rather have my fiddle And my farming tools *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* City folks driving In a black limousine *
* A lot of sad people think That's mighty keen *
* Folks, let me tell you Exactly what I mean *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* Well, I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle *
* When the sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle *
* Life ain't nothing But a funny, funny riddle *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* Fiddle was my daddy's Till the day that he died *
* He took me by the hand And held me close to his side *
* Said, "Live a good life Play the fiddle with pride" *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* My daddy taught me young How to hunt and how to whittle *
* He taught me how to work And play a tune on the fiddle *
* Taught me how to love And give just a little *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
* Well, I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle *
* As the sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle *
* Life ain't nothing But a funny, funny riddle *
* Thank God I'm a country boy *
That wraps it up for another one.
We want to give our special thanks to our very special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors.
Yeah, let's hear it from you all.
- Jim, I hope you had a good time. - I sure did, Kermit.
But tell me, who was that little fella who kept following me through after the show?
That's Scooter. His uncle owns the theater.
- You called? - No, I didn't.
Oh, that's okay, Kermit. He was real nice.
He picked up my coffee and he picked up my wardrobe…
Yeah, I even picked up his accent. Well, golly!
Be careful he doesn't try to pick up your paycheck.
- I'm shocked! - I'm Fozzie.
- I'm Piggy. - I'm Animal.
Well, I'm saying good night. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
- Golly. - Golly.
Pay up. They made it through another one.
- Double or nothing, next week's show? - You're on.