It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
* It's time to play the music *
* It's time to light the lights *
* It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight *
* It's time to put on makeup *
* It's time to dress up right *
* It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight *
New York is so crowded, even the cemeteries have standing room only.
* To introduce our guest star *
* That's what I'm here to do *
* So it really makes me happy *
* To introduce to you *
Mr. Paul Williams!
* But now let's get things started On the most sensational, inspirational *
* Celebrational, Muppetational *
* This is what we call *
* The Muppet Show *
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, good friends.
Hey, we got a great show for you tonight.
Our special guest is Mr. Paul Williams,
singer, composer, actor and all-around good guy,
and we're not gonna do any jokes about his size.
But he's such a cute little fella, we're gonna make him an honorary Muppet.
But right now let's get started with a musical number done up in a brand new way:
"All of Me."
* All of me *
* Why not take all of me *
* Can't you see *
* I'm no good without you *
* Take my lips I want to lose them *
* Take my arms I'll never use them *
* Your goodbye Left me with eyes that cry *
Here, take them too.
* How can I Go on, dear, without you *
* You took the part That once was my heart *
* So why not Take all of me *
Hey, you want my hair?
Well, hair it is. Ha, ha.
Hey, you need a nose? Guaranteed not to run.
Friends, Romans, and countrymen.
There you go. You want me to put my chest in your chest?
Here, here. Let me give you a hand.
* You took the part That once was my heart *
* So why not take *
* Why not take *
* All of me *
Ohh, ha, ha.
Ugh.
Hark! I hear the cannons roar… No, hark, the cannons r…
- Ugh… - Hi, Fozz. What's wrong?
- You look worried. - It's my new act, I hope it works.
- Oh, come on, you're the greatest! - Yeah?
Yeah, you're always good.
Besides, you're on soon. Now is no time to panic.
Oh, well, see, I got 10 minutes of jokes here on the War of 1812.
- Now is the time to panic. - Ahh.
Listen, if you're really in trouble,
why don't you just use the old telephone pole bit?
- The old telephone pole bit? - Oh, yeah, it's the best.
- I don't know it. - It's a classic!
- It's a classic? - Yeah!
Terrific, I can use it. Tell me, what is it?
- The curtains open… - The curtains open.
- The audience is there… - The audience is there!
- There we are together, on-stage… - There we are together… Hold it!
- "We?" - Well, yeah.
No, you don't understand. You see, I am a stand-up bear.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah. See…
I work alone. I tell the jokes on-stage, alone.
Ha, ha, no, you don't tell jokes in the telephone pole bit.
- Why not? - Well, you're the telephone pole.
Cute. Cute idea.
We'll see.
Okay, right now, friends, it is my great pleasure
to introduce one of the most talented people in our business.
and it's a real treat to have him with us on The Muppet Show, Mr. Paul Williams.
* Just an old-fashioned love song *
* Playin' on the radio *
* And wrapped around the music *
* Is the sound of someone promising *
* They'll never go *
* You'll swear you've heard it before *
* As it slowly rambles on and on *
* No need in bringin' 'em back *
* 'Cause they've never really gone *
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* Comin' down in two-part harmony *
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* One I'm sure they wrote for you and me *
* To weave our dreams upon *
* Listen to each evenin' *
* When the lights are low *
* To underscore our love affair *
* With tenderness and feeling *
* That we've come to know *
* You'll swear you've heard it before *
* As it slowly rambles on and on *
* No need in bringin' 'em back *
* 'Cause they've never really gone *
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* Comin' down in three-part harmony *
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* One I'm sure they wrote for you and me *
Two, three, four…
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* Comin' down in three-part harmony *
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* One I'm sure they wrote for you and me *
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* Comin' down in three-part harmony *
* That's just an old-fashioned love song *
* One I'm sure they wrote for you and me *
- Bravo! Bravo! - Encore! Encore!
- Heh, heh! He's a credit to his race. - What race is that?
The 100-yard dash.
Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.
Folks, let me take just one moment of your time
to acquaint you with a fascinating new product.
It's Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer.
Now, you can use it on all sorts of dishes.
For example, dishes like this one here.
Whoo, that's one of the problems with dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break.
But if you had used All-Purpose Tenderizer in such fashion as this…
your dish would have been as tender as this.
Oh, it sets me all a-quiver!
Well, it's lovely.
And what it does for dishes it can do for utensils too. Watch.
It only takes a second.
So there it is, Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer.
It's new from Muppet Labs.
Oh, goodness.
Okay, who's the smarty-pants who tenderized the table?
I mean it!
Science, huh? They can put a man on the moon.
Huh. Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man!
"Silence." A poem by Rowlf.
That's me.
Silence
Hear the nothingness
Listen to the quietness
Of everlasting space
Down the winding velvet corridors Of time it sweeps
And sweeps and sw…
And sweeps away the sound of creatures Crying in the night…
…creatures crying in the night…
And cry we must
For we have tasted the forbidden fruit
But lo, lo, the faceless names, name…
…faceless names and nameless faces
Whisper of our woes
But overall… overall
The blessed silence falls
Sweet serpentines of silence
Singing their sad song
Out of the silence and dark
We build the music, silent music
And the endless emptiness of emptiness
Drumming in our ears…
Will you all get out of here?!
But in the end
All is silence
Quiet, silent ways
All still
Could you hold it down, Rowlf? We're trying to do a show here.
You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted.
This is a great show to do.
I have a special reason for being very excited. You see…
Except for me, the entire cast is Muppets.
Muppets are little, tiny things.
For the first time in my life, no one will make jokes about how short I am.
For the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on the show.
For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of 30 million people.
I am a telephone pole.
Hmmm…
- Fozzie, what are you doing? - It's my new act with Scooter.
I'm practicing to be a telephone pole.
Hmmm…
That's ridiculous. You don't look like a telephone pole.
No one would believe you were a telephone pole.
* I am a lineman for the county *
On the other hand, what do I know about telephone poles?
Huh, I'll be darned.
You say that's your boy? How could you have a son that age?
I didn't. When I had him, he was just a baby.
Oh, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
You are more beautiful than the summer days.
You know, there's a lot of ham in you. Ha-ha-ha!
That man is annoying me.
He isn't even looking at you.
That's what's annoying me.
I can't understand it! I just can't seem to hold on to a job!
My last one only lasted for 10 minutes!
- Yeah? What were you doing? - I was a librarian!
Hey, you wanna take a trip?
Sure, I'd love to.
Okay, hang on…
- Ahh! - Aah!
* I'm in love with a big blue frog *
* A big blue frog loves me *
* It's not as bad as it appears *
* He wears glasses And he's 6-foot-3 *
* Well, I'm not worried about our kids *
* I know they'll turn out neat *
* They'll be great-lookin' 'Cause they'll have my face *
* Great swimmers 'Cause they'll have his feet *
* Well, I know we can make things work *
* He's got good family sense *
* His mother was a frog From Philadelph-i-a *
* His daddy an enchanted prince *
* The neighbors are against it And it's clear to me *
* And it's probably clear to you *
* They think values on their property Will go right down *
* If the family next door is blue *
* Well, I'm in love with a big blue frog *
* A big blue frog loves me *
* But it's better than the beau I had last year *
* When I loved a little bumble bee Oh, yeah *
* Loved a bumble bee *
Well, Paul, listen. Listen, Paul.
I just want to say what a real thrill it is to have you on the show.
That's very kind of you, Kermit, thank you.
You know what? You're not gonna hear any jokes about your being little-bitty
and small and cute and all that sort of thing, like you are.
You're not gonna hear that coming from me.
- You promise? - No.
- Us little guys gotta stick together. - Oh, yeah.
And besides that, there have been a lot of famous people who were small in size.
- That's true. - Sure, like Napoleon.
- Uh… Truman Capote? - Uh… Mickey Rooney.
Tom Thumb.
Not to mention the legendary Wally Blatner.
Wally Blatner, a famous… Who is Wally Blatner?
Well, he invented the elevator shoe.
- The elevator… Really? Lifts, right? - Mm-hm. Right, right.
Whatever happened to old Wally?
Well, one day somebody pressed his down button and he was never seen again.
Down button? Oh, I get it, you mean he…?
- That's terrible. - Yeah, if you think that was terrible,
what about the 12 people who were riding with him?
That's a ludicrous story.
I mean, even told by a frog, that's ridiculous.
Really? Hey, do you wear lifts?
- Sometimes, yeah. - Oh, yeah?
Going up!
Now Paul is someone everybody can look up to.
I am a telephone pole, I am made of solid wood.
I am too talented for my own good.
Will you please…?
Yes, ma'am, you're confirmed. Two tickets to New York City. Thank you.
- Hello. - Hello.
I want to go to Pittsburgh.
I can send you to Pittsburgh first class on a supersonic jet for $764.
You got anything cheaper?
I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for 511.
You got anything cheaper?
I can send you to Pittsburgh excursion economy in an old prop job for about 398.
You got anything cheaper?
Yeah, I could send you to Pittsburgh standing-room only
on a broken-down old bus for about 75 bucks.
You got anything cheaper?
Yeah, I think I can work something out for you, pal.
Hey, Charlie, you wanna mail this to Pittsburgh?
My mother is very religious.
- She's a fanatic? - No, she's a church.
And here they are now, my kind of people,
Wayne and Wanda!
* You do *
* Something to me *
Ow! Ow!
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman, recently had a most unusual experience
and we at Muppet News Central feel it is a story that should be shared with everyone.
Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman to tell you of this bizarre event.
Well, it was about a week ago and I was sitting at home watching television.
- It must have been about 9:00. - Mm-hm.
Suddenly the phone rang.
Well, I picked it up, but there wasn't anybody there.
So I hung up, and then I went back to watching the television.
Darnedest thing.
Whenever unusual events occur, you'll hear it first on Muppet News.
Boy, my uncle will be really interested in this.
- That's private business here, Scooter. - Sorry.
And, by the way, you guys are really gonna do the old telephone pole bit?
That's right, chief.
Lots of luck.
- Scooter, I won't do it. - What?
I just found out what the telephone pole bit is and I will not do it!
Oh, come on… Fozzie, come on, we're on now. Besides, we'll be terrific!
Scooter, we will not be terrific. We will die out there. Die!
Of course we're not gonna die. What makes you think we're gonna die?
Just a hunch.
Folks, we got a little something different for you tonight in the old comedy spot.
Our own Fozzie Bear is being joined by our gofer Scooter.
And here they are doing that classic comedy sketch, the telephone pole bit!
Hello, and what's your name?
Mike Oznowiczsky.
Oh, so you're the telephone Pole!
Huh, good old Fozzie. He's never been better.
- Or shorter. - Same difference.
* That's a sad song *
* That used to be our song *
* The one you just played *
* I wonder if I'd stayed *
* What we'd be doin' now *
* Yeah, but part of bein' people *
* Is an ever-changing mind *
* We don't mean to be unkind *
* We just grow *
* That's a sad song *
* That used to be our song *
* And oh, she sang it too *
* And every word rang true *
* Like a bell somehow *
* When I ran off chasing visions *
* My emotions made me blind *
* Like a fool I left behind *
* An angel's glow *
* So play it one more time *
* That sympathy in rhyme *
* Let those old familiar feelings *
* Start to show *
* Come and sing my favorite phrase *
* Oh, from those good old days *
* Let those tears And sweet memories flow *
* Play it one more time *
* Whoa, sympathy in rhyme *
* And old familiar feelings *
* Start to show *
* Let 'em show *
* Come and sing my favorite phrase *
* From those good old days *
* Let those tears And sweet memories flow *
* Let those tears And sweet memories *
* Flow *
That's about the end of the show, folks.
We'd like to thank our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
Thank you, thank you, Kermit. I've loved every minute of it, little guy.
Except, of course, for the parts that I hated.
I'm sorry about that, Paul.
But we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
- This show is good for what ails me. - Yeah? Well, what ails you?
Insomnia.