It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Lena Horne!
* It's time to play the music *
* It's time to light the lights *
* It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight *
* It's time to put on makeup *
* It's time to dress up right *
* It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight *
Uh, I bet on a horse that came in so late
they had to pay the jockey time and a half.
Ha, ha.
* To introduce our guest star *
* That's what I'm here to do *
* So it really makes me happy *
* To introduce to you *
Ms. Lena Horne! Ahh!
* But now let's get things started On the most sensational, inspirational *
* Celebrational, Muppetational *
* This is what we call *
* The Muppet Show *
Thank you, thank you. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls, and dogs and frogs,
and pigs and chickens, and welcome to The Muppet Show.
Hey, we are particularly happy tonight to have with us as our special guest star
the talented, the beautiful, and the indefatigable Miss Lena Horne.
But right now, we're gonna start off the show with an act
that was discovered by George our janitor.
Here it is, right from the cleaning room into your living room, The Ragg Mopps!
* M *
* I say M-O *
* M-O-P *
* M-O-P-P *
* Mopp *
* M-O-P-P Mopp, mopp, mopp, mopp *
* R *
* I say R-A *
* R-A-G *
* R-A-G-G *
* Ragg *
* R-A-G-G-M-O-P-P *
* Ragg Mopp *
* R-A-G-G-M-O-P-P *
* Ragg Mopp *
* A *
* I say A-B *
* A, B, C *
* A, B, C, D *
* A, B, C, D, E *
* A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H *
* -Ragg Mopp -La-da-da-la-la-la *
* R-A-G-G-M-O-P-P *
* Ragg Mopp *
Yeah, Now, that's my kind of act,
That kind of act only comes once in a lifetime.
If you're lucky.
Okay, okay. Good number. Good number, you guys. Good number.
George, clean up your act.
Kermit, Kermit, is it true what I've heard,
that I'm not doing my song in the show tonight?
- Uh, that's true. - Why?
Well, Piggy, because Lena Horne is our guest this week.
And, uh, how can I say this? There are singers and there are singers.
You catch my drift?
Oh, and you don't want me to overshadow Miss Horne.
Oh, of course you're right. What a considerate frog.
Oh.
Ignorance is truly bliss.
Uh, Miss Horne on next. Miss Horne on next.
No, not you. The wrong Miss Horne.
And now it is my great pleasure to present a performer
whose name is synonymous with style, taste, and talent,
the incredible Miss Lena Horne.
* Like the pine tree Lining a winding road *
* I've got a name *
* Like the singing bird Or the croaking toad *
* I've got a name *
* And I carry it with me *
* Like my daddy did *
* But I'm living a dream *
* That he kept hid *
* Moving me down the highway *
* Rolling me down the highway *
* Moving ahead so life *
* Won't pass me by *
* Like the fool I am *
* And I'll always be *
* I got a dream *
* They can change their minds *
* But they can't change me No, no, no, no *
* I got a dream, yeah *
* I got a dream *
* I know I could share it *
* If you want me to *
* If you're going my way *
* I'll go with you *
* Moving me down the highway *
* Rolling me down the highway *
* Moving ahead so life *
* Won't pass me by *
* Oh, oh, oh, yeah *
* Moving me down the highway *
* Rolling me down the highway *
* Moving ahead so life *
* Won't pass me by *
I could listen to her sing until the end of time.
She doesn't sing that. Not her style. No.
No, no, no, I mean I could listen to her sing forever.
No, she doesn't sing that either.
Why don't you just check yourself into the old fools' home
while they still have a bed left?
- Kermit. Kermit? - Yeah.
- My love, I've been thinking. - What?
The consideration that you've shown Lena Horne
has only reinforced my undying love for you.
- Yeah. - Oh, kiss me quick!
- Ahem. Uh, Piggy… - Yes?
I appreciate the fact that you find me attractive…
Every frog wants to be needed.
…but, uh, there is no room in my life for romance at this time, thank you.
Oh, I'm crushed. Oh!
I'm destroyed. My life has no meaning.
- It's… It's over. It's over. - Piggy, listen…
The sun will never shine on this pig.
O death, death, where is thy sting?
Uh…
Uh, Piggy, aren't you just overdoing it a little bit?
Uh, maybe.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Mrs. Lola Bramswell of Covington, Kentucky,
has come upon a most unique diet.
For the past 10 years, she has eaten nothing but seaweed.
Uh, tell us, Mrs. Bramswell, has eating only seaweed presented any problems?
No. Not really.
Except that twice a day, I find myself going in and out with the tide.
That's not easy to do in Kentucky.
- George. George. - Huh?
- Do you like circuses? - Oh, I love them.
- Oh, then you must like Ringling. - I don't know, I never ringled.
Will you love me forever?
I don't know, baby. Ask me again in a million years.
You know, my aunt has a chest that goes back to 1700.
Wow, that must make it tough on your uncle.
Yes…
Hey. You know, they say the children of today are the parents of tomorrow.
Huh, I always thought it took longer than that.
You know what really bugs me about you?
- What? - Your temper.
- You're always blowing your top. - Oh, yeah?
Hey, Lena, we are so pleased to have you with us on the show tonight.
You have long been one of our favorites.
Oh, thank you. And I'm a big fan of you and the Muppets, Kermit.
That makes us all very happy, because we on the…
Psst. Psst. Psst. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha.
- Fozzie. Excuse me a minute. - Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. hoo-ha.
- Fozzie, what is it? - What is it?
- Mm-hm? - It's "us" and "we" and "ours."
But only you, the frog, get to talk to the guest star. Ho-ho.
Well, Fozzie, see, I'm speaking for everybody.
Oh, sure, sure. But the guest stars only get to know you.
Not me. Hm!
- Yeah, but… - That's right. That's right.
They will never know that I am a great comedian.
And they will never know that my family was in show business.
And that I'm sensitive, intelligent, and, yes, I'll even say it, talented.
- Well, look, Fozzie, it's just that… - Excuse me,
but aren't you Fozzie Bear, the great comedian?
What?
Yes. A sensitive and intelligent person like you must be a great comedian.
Oh.
Well, there you are, Fozzie, huh?
Wow. You mean, you actually know me?
Listen, when you've made a name for yourself in show business,
everybody knows you, so it's…
It's only natural that I would know the great Fozzie Bear.
Ah.
Sure. Just as it's only natural that you would know Lena Horne.
Oh. Lena Horne? Oh, I love Lena Horne.
Oh, yes, she's terrific. I mean, she's great. Don't you?
- I think she's terrific and great too. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, she's gonna be a guest on our show one of these weeks. Mm-hm.
Ahem. Uh, Fozzie, she is a guest.
This week.
- She's a guest this week? - Yes.
- On this show here? - Mm-hm.
Oh, wow. Wow, that's great.
I don't wanna miss Lena Horne. You gonna stick around and see her?
- I might just do that. - Oh, yeah.
I didn't get your name.
Day. Doris Day.
Cute. Cute name. You know, with a name like that, you should be in show business.
- Fozzie, will you get out of here! - Ahh!
I'll wait for you outside, Ms. Day.
I'm sorry about that, Lena. Sometimes he's just un-bear-able.
Cute, Cute-o.
Come here-ski.
Is squiggly worm.
Scooby-Doo.
Thank you.
And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire
and has come up with an act the likes of which has never been seen before.
So let's give a big hand to The Great Gonzo.
Okay, thank you. Tonight I present a unique version of "Pop Goes the Weasel."
Uh… ahem, with a surprise ending.
Hey, it wasn't my fault!
Ah, you yokels!
Gonzo. What's the matter?
Oh, gee, Ms. Horne. It's really depressing.
You hear them booing out there?
Sometimes it takes a long time for an artist to be appreciated.
But as long as one person appreciates you, you just gotta keep on trying.
And as for me, I think you're fantastic.
You…?
- I don't know what to say. - Well, listen…
* In this world of ordinary people *
* Extraordinary people *
* I'm glad there is you *
* In this world of overrated pleasures *
* And underrated treasures *
* I'm glad there is you *
* I live to love *
* I love to live with you beside me *
* This role's so new *
* I'll muddle through With you to guide me *
* In this world *
* Where many, many play at love *
* And hardly any stay in love *
* I'm glad there is you *
* More than ever *
* I'm glad there is *
* You *
- Thank you, Lena. - You're great, Gonzo.
Aw.
Boy, oh, boy.
It sure is great being in the show business, chief.
Uh, yeah, Scooter.
- But I tell you, this isn't an easy job. - Huh?
Sometimes in this business you have to be ruthless, merciless, and cruel.
In what way, chief?
- I just cut Piggy's song from the show. - Why?
Because there's no way she could follow the great Lena Horne.
- She'd look ludicrous. - Yeah.
Yeah, but these are command decisions, Scooter.
It's lonely at the top.
He's right. Yeah, I've gotta be ruthless, merciless, and cruel.
- Hm. - Oh, how kind my Kermit is,
not wanting me to overshadow Lena Horne.
Oh, no, no, no.
He cut your number so you wouldn't look ludicrous.
- What?! - Oh, I'm sorry.
You see, I've gotta be ruthless, merciless, and cruel.
- Cruel? - Mm-hm.
I'll show you cruel, kid.
- Hi-yah! - Oh!
Kermit never told me about this part.
Part this. Hi-yah!
Now it's time for that riotous, mirthful bundle of laughs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Thank you. Oh, boy, oh, boy. What a fantastic audience you are.
No, I mean it. I mean it. I've seen audiences come and I've seen them go.
Well, you're seeing them go now, right out the door.
- Says you. - That's right.
- Says you! - You better have a way out of this.
- I do, I do. - Says you.
- Sessue Hayakawa. - Huh?
Sessue Hayakawa, a great Japanese actor.
And speaking of Japanese actors,
did you know "Toshiro Mifune" means "no smoking" in Japanese?
Ha, ha.
Well, he's either brilliant, or that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Ah, you can't stop the old Fozzie tonight.
I'm really cooking. I'm one rare bear. Ha, ha.
You're a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.
And now, my tribute to Marcel Marceau.
An impression of a man balancing himself on one leg.
Count them. One. Here we go.
Thank you. No applause. Now, uh… Now…
Now a man balancing himself on no legs.
Thank you. I love you. Yes, I love you. Mwah! Oh, I could stay on forever.
You stay on any longer, you'll be running into the prayer of the day.
Senior citizens, one. Bear, zero.
Hilda, would you help me find my key to the dressing room?
Oh, I am so sorry, Miss Horne. My head is such a pickle.
I left the iron on in the costume room.
Uh, I'll be back in a jiffy.
Animal.
Animal, I was wondering, would you help me find my key?
Ah, all right.
B flat.
Let's have the monsters standing by. Monsters standing by, please.
Ahem. Aren't, uh you going to be standing by, too?
Uh, no. Why?
Because you're the monster.
What you said at the beginning of the show,
about Lena and me.
- I just got it, El Greeno. - Uh, well…
Yeah, you meant that I couldn't follow her.
Well, Piggy, sometimes the truth hurts.
Hurt? I'll show you hurt.
Hi-yah!
You know, there's a children's TV show that I really enjoy.
Maybe you've heard of Sesame Street?
Anyway, here's one of my favorite songs from that show.
* Sing *
* Sing a song *
* Sing out loud *
* Sing out strong *
* Sing of good things *
* Not bad *
Every time.
* Sing of happy *
* Not sad *
Never, never sad.
* Sing *
* Sing a song *
* Make it simple *
* To last your whole life long *
* Don't worry that it's not good enough *
* For anyone else to hear *
* Sing *
* Sing a song *
* La-la la-la-la La-la la-la-la-la *
* La-la-la la-la-la-la *
* La-la la-la-la La-la la-la-la-la *
* La-la-la la-la-la-la *
* Sing *
* Sing a song *
* Make it simple *
* To last your whole life long *
* Don't worry that it's not good enough *
* For anyone else to hear *
* Sing *
* Sing a song *
* Sing *
* Sing a song *
* La-la la-la-la-la-la *
* Mm *
Well, that's it for this week's madness.
Hey, we'd like a special thanks for our special guest star Miss Lena Horne!
Thank you, Kermit, thank you. It was fun.
Oh, good.
- I was listening to Piggy sing backstage. - Mm-hm.
I think she ought to have her own spot on the show.
Uh, really? Well, maybe next time we'll let her sing a song.
Oh, Kermit!
Oh! You do love me.
Oh! Give your little porker a kiss on the chops.
O death, where is thy sting?
See you next time on The Muppet Show.
- Author! Author! - Is he here?
- Hm? Who? - Arthur.
Oh, go back to sleep.