It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
* It's time to play the music *
* It's time to light the lights *
* It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight *
* It's time to put on makeup *
* It's time to dress up right *
* It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight *
Hey, question:
If a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole?
Think about it.
* To introduce our guest star *
* That's what I'm here to do *
* So it really makes me happy *
* To introduce to you *
Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
* But now let's get things started On the most sensational, inspirational *
* Celebrational, Muppetational *
* This is what we call *
* The Muppet Show *
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Hello, hello, hello.
And if I sound a little British tonight, it's because our special guest star
is one of England's truly great performers, Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
He sings, dances, plays the piano, tells jokes.
In fact, he's a one-man variety show, and we're really pleased he's with us.
But right now, let's kick things off with a new musical group we call the Snerfs.
The Snerfs?
Well, now I've seen everything.
Good, can we leave?
Okay, nice number. Nice number, Snerfs. Way to go. Mm-hm.
- Oh, Kermit. - Yeah?
I finally got the punch line down for the act tonight. Wanna hear it?
- Uh, okay. - Good.
Quack!
Uh, fine, fine, but keep working on it, okay?
Oh, sure, toad, thanks a lot.
You know, put me down like everybody else. Yeah, that's right, put me down.
- Bitter duck. - Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
Kermit, I am really gonna get them tonight.
- Get who? - Hmm? Oh, Statler and Waldorf.
You know those two old guys who sit in the box and heckle me every night?
- Mm-hm. - Well, tonight I am ready for them.
Yeah, I can handle any insult. Any of them.
Hey. Hey, let's try it, okay? Uh, let's see, uh…
You be the audience and I'll tell a joke,
and then you insult me, and then just watch my razor-sharp wit at work.
- Okay, you ready? Huh? - Uh, no.
Good, okay. Ahem. Here we go.
I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but last night she burned the water.
Boo! Boo! That's terrible! Terrible! Get off the stage! You are the worst!
Oh, please don't heckle me.
Uh, Fozzie, is this an example of your razor-like wit?
Could still use a little sharpening, huh?
Sheesh.
Uh, when it comes to song-and-dance men, it's pretty hard to top our special guest.
So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome to Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
* Got my tweed pressed *
* Got my best vest *
* All I need now is the girl *
* Got my striped tie *
* Got my hopes high *
* Got the time and the place And I got rhythm *
* All I need's the girl to go with 'em *
* If she'll just appear *
* We'll take this big bird… *
I must stop taking those pills. It'll go away in a minute.
Whatever it is, it's a real one.
I hope it's not a female.
Yes, um, I didn't see you there.
I'm sorry, I'm doing my song-and-dance number.
Would you mind waiting over there, please?
Uh, over there, in the corner.
Oh, yes. Yes, well, over here.
Let me show you. Let me show you. That's fine.
That's it, okay. Trust me, trust me.
I'll be gentle with you. Yeah.
No. No, bring the feet. I think the tail will follow.
Bring the feet. That's it, good. Left, right, right, left, that's it.
Good, that's fine. Now, could we just twist you round now?
As you go, that's it.
Now, back off, will you? Back off, left hand down a bit, left hand.
As you were, off you go, off you go. There you go. That's fine.
I'm just gonna do my song-and-dance number.
It's the only thing I've got in the whole show.
Worthwhile.
Thank you.
Ah.
Take it!
Are you all right?
That was marvelous. Fantastic!
I've never seen anything…
It is a female.
* My striped tie And my best, best tweed *
Come on, leave me alone. Get back.
Get… Goodness' sake.
Great big gawky fool, get back!
Why don't you get…? Get back. Get back there, back! Get away!
Oh, no, her sister!
Mr. Hitchcock! Mr. Hitchcock!
Get away, you great big gawky-looking thing, get off.
- Bravo. - Brilliant.
Oh, there aren't many performers who could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth.
Mm. Course not, they'd burn him.
Statler, you must be the old fool there's no fool like.
Hey, Kermit? Kermit?
This time I have really got it.
I have really mastered the art of handling hecklers.
- Oh, you think so, huh? - Yeah, oh, I know so.
Okay, I tell you what, uh, you tell a joke, and I'll heckle you.
- Great. - But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback.
Right. Ahem. Uh…
My cousin's so dumb,
he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster.
I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
- What do you think? Uh, too subtle? - Will you get out of here?
Sheesh.
- George? - Yeah.
Would you like to come to my place for dinner tomorrow night?
- Maybe. What are you fixing? - Well, do you like duckling?
I don't know. I never duckled.
Do you know what happened in 1776?
No, baby, but there's a great party in 1342.
I'm really into American history.
- Oh? - Mm-hm.
You know, Washington, Jefferson, Revere…
- Oh. Do you like Franklin? - Well, I don't know. I've never frankled.
- Do you mind if I light up? - Why, no.
* Many, many years ago when I was 23 *
* I was married to a widow Who was pretty as could be *
* This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red *
* My father fell in love with her And soon they two were wed *
* This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life *
* For my daughter was my mother 'Cause she was my father's wife *
* To complicate the matter Even though it brought me joy *
* I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy *
* My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad *
* And so became my uncle Though it made me very sad *
* For if he was my uncle Then that also made him brother *
* Of the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my stepmother *
* Oh, I'm my own grandpa *
* I'm my own grandpa *
* It sounds funny, I know But it really is so *
* Oh, I'm my own grandpa *
Sing it, Pa.
* Father's wife then had a son Who kept them on the run *
* And he became my grandchild For he was my daughter's son *
* My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue *
* Because although she is my wife She's my grandmother too *
* Oh, if my wife is my grandmother Then I'm her grandchild *
* And every time I think of it It nearly drives me wild *
* For now I have become the strangest case You ever saw *
* As husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa *
* Oh, I'm my own grandpa *
* I'm my own grandpa *
* It sounds funny, I know But it really is so *
* Oh, I'm my own grandpa *
* It sounds funny, I know But it really is so *
* Oh, I'm my own grandpa *
Uh, well, Bruce, welcome to our show.
Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit.
- Although, it is a little strange. - Strange?
It isn't like any other show on television.
I mean, I'll buy the fact you're a frog who can talk.
Well, there's nothing strange about that.
And I'll even buy the chicken, uh, who shares my dressing room.
- Uh, but she's not for sale. - I beg your pardon?
- That chicken's not for sale. - Oh.
I wouldn't mind selling her, but her husband plays in the band.
No, you misunderstand me.
You see, I don't actually want to buy a chicken.
Oh, I see.
Mind you, I wouldn't mind, uh, leasing a duck.
Well, uh, I can let you have a duck right here.
I can give you a good rental deal on this duck.
- Quack. - Oh. It's not a bad-looking duck.
It's a great little duck. It was last owned by a little old lady
who only used it as a decoy during the hunting season.
Really?
Well, how much to rent this duck for a month?
Ah, for one month, this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits.
- A pig and two rabbits? - Yes.
Hold on a minute, will you?
One pig, there we are.
- Yeah, one pig. - And, uh, I'm fresh out of rabbits.
- Oh. - Uh, have you got change of a rat?
Oh, sure, I can let you have a woodpecker.
Oh, good, that's fine. Okay, that's a fair exchange.
- Is that a deal? - Mind the legs.
- Wonderful doing business with you. - Lovely doing business with you as well.
- Okay, let's go, come on. - Fine, off you go. Fine.
You see, it is strange here.
Any other show on television charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck.
I wish I had a good-looking bird.
Two pigs for one lousy duck? This is an outrage to all porkdom.
Well, I was, um…
Really, Miss Piggy, I was only joking. I wasn't having a go at you.
Yeah? Well, have a go at this.
- Hi-yah! - Oh!
That was vicious. Come here, you.
- Monkey with me? - Hi-yah!
That Miss Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest annoyance.
Oh, I usually take aspirin. Maybe I'll try some umbrage.
Uh… "Same to you…" Same to you and more of it.
- Uh, Fozzie? - Huh?
I know you're worried about your act tonight.
Oh, boy, whew, am I.
I really wanna get the best of those two old hecklers, Kermit.
Well, I can guarantee you that Statler and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight.
But… But they always heckle me.
Every show they heckle me. Why not tonight?
Well, the show's running long. and your act's been cut.
Uh, Hilda. Hilda.
- Yes, Fozzie. - Don't move. Just stay right there.
- But why? - So you can break my fall when I faint.
Cute. Cute faint.
Once again, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you
those two solid citizens of song, Wayne and Wanda.
Decent, decent people.
* I think that I shall never see *
* A poem lovely as a tree *
Whew.
Oh, Kermit, you've got to let me do my big act in the show, please.
Yeah, but listen, Fozzie, this is just one week.
Oh, but, Kermit, in this type of show, people expect a stand-up comic.
- Yes, and we got one. - Oh! Oh, then I am going on after all. Oh.
No, uh, Bruce Forsyth is.
Hilda!
Cute. Cute fall.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight we thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest.
You're not giving him a rest. You're giving us a rest.
Yeah, okay. Uh, be that as it may, substituting for Fozzie tonight
is our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
And may I say, you look a wonderful audience.
Don't be too sure. We haven't heard your jokes yet.
Sir, you're old enough to have heard my jokes,
Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's.
In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes,
you've heard everybody's jokes.
Ah, same old stuff.
We want new blood.
You look as though you could use some.
Why don't you go to the blood bank and cash an artery?
- Good, good stuff. - Well, I've heard better.
I'm sure you have, sir.
In fact, at your age, you're lucky you can hear at all.
Only kidding. You've probably got a great sense of humor.
In fact, I know you have. I saw your wife outside.
Oh! Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me.
But, you know, one thing I like about our two countries
is we have this cultural exchange going on.
We send you lots of our drama shows,
like Upstairs, Downstairs,
The Six Wives of Henry VIII and The Forsyte Saga.
And by the way, I thought Eric Porter played my life brilliantly.
I was gonna play the part myself, but they said I wasn't the type.
Uh, then, of course, you send us your drama shows, like Columbo,
Starsky and Hutch, Police Woman.
They're not Shakespeare, perhaps, but just as violent.
By the way, thank you for Kojak. He's made such a big hit in our country.
He's such a sportsman. Goes to Scotland, plays golf.
He's also a good tenpin bowler. Got the head for it.
But, um, he gets very annoyed at the bowling alley
because people keep sticking their fingers up his nose. Ha, ha!
Gotta be a split.
Anyway, don't let's talk about him. Let's get back to me.
- Ladies and gentlemen… - Uh, excuse me, Mr. Forsyth?
- Please, call me Bruce. - Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Fozzie Bear.
Hey!
Yeah, thank heavens there's only one.
Aw, see those guys up there?
- The minute I come out, they start up. - Don't worry. Don't worry.
- Do you see the box they're in? - Yeah.
I may decide to bury them together.
Ah! Oh, that's… Boy, see how he handles them?
See? I was watching in the wings over there.
Yeah? Well, why don't you flap them and fly out of here?
Ho, ho.
- Look, you can handle those two. - Well…
You can do it.
All you need is a bit of pacing, a bit of timing.
- The right retort, the right line. - Yeah? Oh?
He couldn't throw a line to a drowning man.
Uh, uh…
- Go on. - Okay. Uh…
Do you mind? We work alone. Uh, that is, unless we work together.
How's that?
- A little soft, Fozzie. - Oh.
Go for the jugular vein. There, go right in.
- Right there? Okay. Ahem. - Go on.
Uh, uh… Oh! Oh.
Uh, hey, is that a suit you're wearing?
It's a nice one, but won't your wife notice the hole in the living-room rug?
That's good. Now you're rolling. Go in for the kill.
Hey, that's some nose you got there.
Why don't you rent yourself out as an anteater?
- I like it. Quit while you're ahead. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You call that a head? I've seen better heads on cabbages.
You don't wanna lose your audience.
You call that an audience? It looks more like an oil painting.
Believe me, you've got them.
Got them? Who wants them?
- No, no, enough. - We surrender. We surrender.
- No more, no more. - You did it, Fozzie.
Ah! I did! Bruce, I did it! Oh! I did it, I did! Oh! Ah! Oh!
Bruce, oh, this is the happiest moment of my life.
Oh, just learning from a pro like you,
working side by side with one of the greats.
You even learned how to cue the big musical finish to the comedy spot.
- You did. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - All right.
* Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money *
* Maybe we're ragged and funny *
* But we travel along, singing a song *
- Thank you, Mr. Forsyth. - It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.
* Hey *
* We travel along, singing a song *
* Side by side *
I like the ears. Keep the ears going. They love it. Listen to that. Ah!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you…
And now Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Well, Dr. Bob, here's your next patient.
Oh.
Wow, what have we here? Another sick chicken?
I'm not a chicken. I'm a duck.
Shall we prepare for surgery on the chicken?
- Duck! - Aah!
- What was that? - I don't know.
- Somebody yelled "duck." - Well, let's get back to the chicken.
- Duck! - Aah!
I don't understand what's going on around here.
- Ahh! Duck! - Aah!
Oh, no, I'm not gonna fall for another one of… Oh!
So Dr. Bob has received a serious blow.
Tune in next week, when you will hear Dr. Bob say to his patient:
What kind of doctor do you think I am?
Quack.
I should know better than to ask a chicken.
- Duck! - Aah!
* Let there be you *
* Let there be me *
* Let there be oysters *
* Under the sea *
* Let there be wind *
* And occasional rain *
* Chili con carne *
* Sparkling champagne *
* Let there be birds *
- Small ones, huh? - Yes.
* That sing in the trees *
I don't want that big one back.
* And someone to bless me *
* Whenever I sneeze *
Bless you, Piggy.
* Let there be cuckoos *
* A lark and a dove *
* But most of all, please *
* Let there be love *
Come in, boys.
* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *
* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *
* Let there be cuckoos *
* Doot, doo, doo *
* A lark and a dove *
* Doo, doo, dah *
- * But most of all, please * - * Doot, doot, doo, doo, doo *
* Let there be love *
* Love, love *
* Let there be love *
* Love, love *
* Let there be love *
- * Yes, Brucie * - * Love *
* Let there be love Love between Bruce and the pig *
* Love, love, love, oh, yes Oh, love, love *
Yeah.
Well, that's about all the time we have. We'd like to have a special thanks
to our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth. Yeah!
Thank you.
May I say, it's been a pleasure to be on this television show.
And, Kermit, you're a wonderful MC.
Yeah, but he's an MC-squared.
He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water.
Please, Fozzie, a little humility.
Yeah, if you wanna be working next week.
Oh, in that case, oh, please forgive me, frog, please.
Bruce, you taught him well.
Hey, we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show.
The Muppet Show. Hey.
- This show brought a tear to my eye. - Really?
Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.