It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
* It's time to play the music *
* It's time to light the lights *
* It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight *
* It's time to put on makeup *
* It's time to dress up right *
* It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight *
Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home.
After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.
* To introduce our guest star *
* That's what I'm here to do *
* So it really makes me happy *
* To introduce to you *
Miss Sandy Duncan!
* But now let's get things started *
* On the most sensational, inspirational CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI *
* This is what we call *
* The Muppet Show *
Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, I'm in a great mood tonight.
That's because our special guest star is a good friend and a lovely lady,
Miss Sandy Duncan.
And so that means our show tonight should be a real bang-up affair…
- Did somebody say "bang"? - Uh, no.
Wow.
I've always wondered what the show looked like from here.
Let's start off the show with a musical number
staged by our own gofer, Scooter.
- It could be a bomb… - Did somebody say "bomb"?
- Oh! - Oh, no!
Wow. Heh.
Somebody's gotta introduce our guest,
so it might as well be Fozzie.
Okay. Here she is, a star who does it all.
She sings, she dances, she acts, and she makes you feel good all over,
Miss Sandy Duncan!
* Lost in a crowd *
* Alone *
* And drinking my third *
* Hungry for company *
* Can't think of the words *
* Watching the boys My heart in my hand *
- * What a misplaced pitiful sight * - * Pitiful sight *
* Just a stiff upper lip Who'll be knowing tomorrow *
* What she should have been Saying tonight *
* Won't you tell me *
- * What's a nice girl like me * - * Nice girl like you *
* Doing in a place That never closes? *
* Well, I can hardly hear you Holy Moses *
- * Looking so sad * - * Looking so sad, so sad *
* Won't you tell me *
- * What's a nice girl like me * - * Nice girl like you *
* Doing by the dance floor After hours *
* Dozing over rows Of whiskey sours *
- * Feeling so bad? * - * Feeling so bad, so bad *
* I'm feeling so bad for me *
* What you doing here, girl? *
* Won't you tell me *
- * What's a nice girl like me * - * Nice girl like you *
* Doing in a place That never closes? *
* I can hardly hear you Holy Moses *
- * Looking so sad * - * Looking so sad, so sad *
* Won't you tell me *
- * What's a nice girl like me * - * Nice girl like you *
* Doing by the dance floor After hours *
* Dozing over rows Of whiskey sours *
- * Feeling so bad? * - * Feeling so bad, so bad *
* I'm feeling so bad for me *
* What you doing here, girl? *
- Bravo! Bravo! - Wonderful.
- Fantastic. - Tremendous.
You know, she makes me feel like a young boy, heh.
She makes me feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one.
Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend.
- What? - Would you lend me a fiver till payday?
- Fozzie, you already owe me 5. - Oh, please.
I know it, but I gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beazley.
The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap.
Well, uh, we worked out a good deal.
- You pay him by the line? - No, I pay him by the laugh.
Oh. Then he owes you money.
Oh, that was cute. That was real cute, frog!
* Bork, bork, bork *
The spoons.
English word, here the moo-fin.
See the moo-fin? For the hooI, the boomer shooting.
That's make der hooI, we throw der hoop. Here we throw hoop.
Mm-hm. That's very good. This were the hooI. Hoop!
That's weird. We throw der hoop.
This were the hoop. Donut.
Okay. It's time for our own king of comedy.
You've no doubt heard the expression "The next act needs no introduction."
Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction.
He needs an act.
In your opinion, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.
Mm-hm, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any.
I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now.
One of your favorites and I'm sure one of his, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Hey, thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you.
Hey, love you.
Oh, look out, I've got some great ones for you.
Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them.
Huh? Huh?
Hey, we got three kids, one of each.
Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll!
Why don't you butter yourself and slip out of here?
Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with the banana sketch?
- Oh, nice segue. - Smooth.
- Good blend. Mm. - Mm.
Hey, hey. These two bananas are walking down the street,
- and one banana says… - Ha, ha.
Listen to Fozzie.
Oh! He has them eating right out from his hand.
He's got a new writer, Gags Beazley.
Not the legendary Gags Beazley?
- You mean you've heard of him? - Well, who hasn't?
- Me, for one. - Oh.
But Gags Beazley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music.
He wrote the famous banana sketch.
The banana sketch. What's the banana sketch?
You never heard of the banana sketch? But it's the funniest…
What's…?
Ah, ah. Oh, hear that?
- Great. - Oh, boy, I killed them.
I closed with the banana sketch.
- Whew. - Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?
You never heard of the banana sketch?
Yeesh.
Hey, guys. Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch!
- What's…? - Ha, ha!
I think somebody's pulling my leg.
Somebody is pulling my leg. It's the Great Gonzo.
Ah. You never heard of the banana sketch?
Will you cut that out?
Yeesh.
You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.
Why? Were they dirty?
- Where'd you say you were born? - In Paris.
- Oh, how'd you do that? - Mm, the usual way.
My cousin lives in the desert, and, boy, can he run fast.
- Because the sand is so hot? - No, because the trees are so far apart.
- Do you remember where we first met? - Yeah. At the hop.
- Ah, you know, I'm falling for you. - What can I do?
Get out of the way!
- Wanna join me? - Yeah.
Backwards.
Excuse me. Sideways.
- Oh. Ah. - Oh. That was fun. It was fun.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
- Huh? You talking to me? - Yes.
I couldn't help noticing that you're crying.
Of course I'm crying. I feel sad.
I mean, wouldn't you feel sad if you looked like me?
I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look.
- Oh, you're just saying that to be nice. - No.
No, I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people.
Every time I walk in this park, people yell, "Police!"
They cry, "Monster!"
Mothers grab their children, and little dogs run away,
and flowers wilt.
Come on. I think you're exaggerating a bit.
Oh, yeah? Well, watch this.
Hello, flower.
- See? - Yeah, gee.
And then see this dog over here?
Uh-huh.
Hello, doggy.
But I'm not running away, I'm not calling the police,
and I don't think you're a big lump. So there.
Well, it's true. You're not.
A beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me?
Yeah, I just don't like seeing people cry. There's too much sadness in the world.
If people just took a little time to look past the physical,
they might find a lot of beautiful things about you.
Oh, heh, heh. Oh.
I feel so good, so loved, so beautiful!
You see? If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.
Oh, I feel beautiful!
- See? - Oh, heh, heh. Oh.
Hello, flower.
Oh. Hello, doggy.
I feel beautiful!
Hello, fountain.
- Oh, thank you, beautiful lady. - You're welcome.
Hello, pavement. Hello, grass.
Oh, my.
You mustn't look so sad.
Oh. I know that you may appear to be, on the outside, ugly.
But inside,
I'll bet that you are as beautiful as a morning sunrise.
On the other hand…
* When life seems full Of clouds and rain *
* And I am filled With naught but pain *
* Who soothes My thumping, bumping brain? *
* Nobody *
* When winter comes With snow and sleet *
* And me with hunger And cold feet *
* Who says "Here's two bits, go and eat"? *
* Nobody *
* I ain't never done nothing to nobody *
* I ain't never got nothing from nobody No time *
* And until I get something from somebody Sometime *
* I don't intend to do nothing For nobody *
* No time *
* When I try hard And scheme and plan *
* To look as good As e'er I can *
* Who says "Look at that handsome man"? *
Who does?
* Nobody *
* When all day long Things go amiss *
* And I go home To find some bliss *
* Who hands to me A glowing kiss? *
- Nobody. - Right.
- * I ain't never done nothing to nobody * - * Ah-woo! *
- * I ain't never got nothing from nobody * - * Ah-woo! *
* No time *
* And until I get something from somebody Sometime *
* I don't intend to do nothing For nobody *
* No time *
- Hi, everybody. - Hi there.
Oh, dear, I should have warned him.
* Never smile at a crocodile *
* No, you can't get friendly With a crocodile *
* Don't be taken in By his welcome grin *
* He's imagining how well you'd fit Within his skin *
* Never smile at a crocodile *
* Never tip your hat And stop to talk a while *
* Never run, walk away *
* Say "good night," not "good day" *
* Clear the aisle and never smile At Mr. Crocodile *
Yeah.
* You may very well be well-bred *
* Lots of etiquette in your head *
* But there's always Some special case, time or place *
* To forget etiquette *
For instance…
* Never smile at a crocodile *
* No, you can't get friendly With a crocodile *
* Don't be taken in By my welcome grin *
* I'm imagining how well you'd fit Within my skin *
* Never smile at a crocodile *
* Never tip your hat And stop to talk a while *
* Never run, walk away *
* Say "good night," not "good day" *
- Good night! - Good night!
* Clear the aisle and never smile At Mr. Crocodile *
Maybe I could meet you guys tomorrow for lunch?
It's nice for the two of us to have a moment to talk.
- I'd enjoy it, yeah. - Hey, Sandy. Hey, Kermit.
- Yeah, hi, Fozzie. - Hi.
Hi. Oh, boy, do I have good news.
- You can't stay long? - No.
No, I got plenty of time.
That's bad news. What's the good news?
Oh. Okay, frog, see, the good news is that I have a great idea for a sketch…
- Oh. - …for both of us to play.
- You wanna do a sketch with me? - No, not you. With Sandy.
- With me? Oh! - Yeah.
- That sounds great. - Yeah.
Who wrote your sketch?
Oh. My writer,
the legendary Gags Beazley.
Oh, come on, Fozzie.
- "Come on"? - Gags Beazley is your writer?
- You know him? - Well, I…
Of course I know him. Gags Beazley.
- He wrote the famous banana sketch. - Right!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Not you too, Sandy. - Huh?
Tell me, what is this banana sketch?
You never heard of it? Come on.
- Everybody's heard of the banana sketch. - I told you.
- You know something? - What?
Gags Beazley, I can't believe he's your writer.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I am impressed, Fozzie. Really impressed.
- Hm-hm. - Yeah.
- It's a real classic, this banana sketch? - Oh. Yeah.
- It was written by Gags Beazley? - Yeah.
- How does it go there, Sandy? - I mean, "Gags," "banana."
- The words synonymous, right? - Right.
You can say that again. I gag every time I hear about this sketch.
Fozzie, I could just be thinking about the banana sketch,
- and I start to crack up. - Oh… Me too.
- Do you? Does it make you laugh? - Oh, stop.
- Listen, hey, Fozzie. - What? What? What?
Do you use a green banana or a yellow one?
- Oh, yellow, yellow. - Aah! Ha-ha-ha.
A yellow one. I love it.
Hey, wait. Hold on. Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Hold! Hold! Hold! Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Sorry. - Sandy, Sandy, please, please.
Pretty please, Sandy, with sugar on it, please.
- What? - What is the banana sketch?
Ah. Tell him. Go ahead, tell him.
- You wanna tell him? - Tell him.
- Okay, I'm gonna try. - Yeah?
Okay. Well, all right, all right. Like, these two…
- These two bananas… - Ha-ha-ha!
…are walking down the street…
- I can't stand it! - It hurts to laugh.
Tell me the truth, Statler. Do you get the banana sketch?
No, I get the New York Times and the Manchester Guardian.
Sorry I asked.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline, Dallas, Texas.
Mrs. Billie Lee Bonkers of that city
recently entered the Guinness Book of Records
by establishing the world jumping-in-place record.
Mrs. Bonkers began jumping in place three months ago
and so far has jumped 652,000 times.
- …652,001… - Mrs. Bonkers.
…652,002…
Mrs. Bonkers, do you need any special incentive to keep you going?
Oh, my, no. I have all the incentive that I need.
Ah? How's that?
I am standing on a hot plate.
Six hundred fifty-two thousand and three…
Truly a courageous and inspiring story.
Where do we get these nuts?
Okay, stand by for Veterinarian's Hospital.
Veterinarian's Hospital.
Oh, frog of my life,
please tell me what they're saying about you is not true.
What's that, Piggy?
That you, you host of a television show, veteran of the boards,
you have never heard of the banana sketch?
"Uh, Piggy," said the frog, trying to refrain from losing his cool
and looking like a bad sport, "there is no banana sketch!
There never was a banana sketch and there never will be a banana sketch!"
Touchy, touchy.
Hey, which way to my dressing room?
And don't try to shove me into the refrigerator.
And now Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob? This is your first transplant.
Well, there's always a second chance.
- But what if he doesn't make it, Dr. Bob? - I don't mean him, I mean me.
Let me check into something.
Ah. Ah, the old ticker still sounds great.
Oh, you mean his new heart is fine?
No, I mean my new watch. I dropped it in when I was sewing him up.
So Dr. Bob dropped his watch in the patient's chest.
Tune in next week, when we'll hear Dr. Bob say:
Let's look on the bright side.
At least if he doesn't make it, we'll know the exact time he went.
That's wonderful, wonderful, right, Statler?
Good grief, did he jump?
* Try to remember *
* The kind of September *
* When life was slow *
* And, oh, so mellow *
* Try to remember *
* The kind of September *
* When grass was green *
* And grain was yellow *
* Try to remember *
* The kind of September *
* When you were a tender And callow fellow *
* Try to remember *
* And if you remember *
* Then follow *
* Follow *
* Try to remember *
* When life was so tender *
* That no one wept *
* Except the willow *
- * Try to remember * - * Bum, bum-bum, bum *
- * When life was so tender * - * Bum, bum-bum, bum *
- * That dreams were kept * - * Bum, bum-bum, bum *
- * Beside your pillow * - * Bum, bum-bum, bum *
* Try to remember *
* When life was so tender *
* That love was an ember *
* About to billow *
- * Hmm-mm-mm * - * Try to remember *
* And if you remember *
* Then follow *
* Follow *
Once again, it's time to fold up our tents, but before we go,
we'd like to give a special thanks to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
Thank you. Thank you.
Kermit.
- I want you to know I had a good time. - Me too.
You know how some shows give their guest star a dozen roses
at the end of the show?
- You shouldn't have. - I didn't. Hey, banana boy!
Sandy, it was the frog's idea, not mine, not mine.
It's all right, I love it.
- I love all of you. - Yeah?
I hope that's the last I ever hear of the banana sketch.
We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Thank you.
Hmm. Well, how'd you like the show?
Eh, maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it.
Have a banana.