It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Candice Bergen!
* It's time to play the music *
* It's time to light the lights *
* It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight *
* It's time to put on makeup *
* It's time to dress up right *
* It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight *
Hey, question.
What has a thousand legs, but can't walk?
500 pairs of pants.
* To introduce our guest star *
* That's what I'm here to do *
* And it really makes me happy *
* To introduce to you *
Miss Candice Bergen!
* But now let's get things started *
* On the most sensational, inspirational *
* Celebrational, MuppetationaI *
* This is what we call *
* The Muppet Show *
Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hey. Boy, do we have a show for you tonight.
Our special guest star is the beautiful Miss Candice Bergen.
She's not just another pretty face.
Besides being an actress, she's a top photographer, a writer, a world traveler.
- What you'd call a well-rounded person. - Heh. You can say that again.
Woo-woo! Woo-woo!
Listen. We're not gonna have those male-chauvinist-pig jokes
while Miss Bergen is out here.
I'm tired of any kind of pig joke.
Uh, Piggy, what are you doing out here?
Oh, Kermit, dear.
Did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on the show,
you forget about me?
Uh… Uh, yeah, well.
We could have a seal act on the show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
He tries so desperately to hide his love for me.
Yeah, but, uh…
You promised I was gonna open the show this week, flipper face.
Uh, Piggy, my love, my life…
Never mind that jazz.
Listen, turkey. Ms. Bergen said I should stand up for my rights.
Either I open the show or Ms. Bergen and I walk.
Uh, well, okay, you can open the show, Piggy. You get to open the show.
Oh! What a surprise! Thank you, my love.
Mwah! Kissy, kissy.
Uh, never let it be said that the frog is a pig.
So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Ms. Piggy.
and her rendition of "What Now My Love?"
* Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom *
* What now, my love? *
* Now that you left me? *
* How can I live *
* Through another day? *
* Watching my dreams *
* Turning to ashes *
* And my hopes *
* Into bits of clay *
* Once I could see *
* Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Once I could feel *
* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Now I am numb *
* I've become unreal *
* I walk the night *
* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Without a goal *
* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Stripped of my heart *
- * My soul * - * Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom *
* What now, my love? *
* Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Now there is nothing *
* Only my last *
* Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Goodbye *
* Ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom *
* Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bah *
Oh! Oh!
Nice, Piggy. You never sounded better.
Okay, so I lie a little.
Uh, wire for Kermit the Frog.
Wire for Kermit the Frog.
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Of course I am.
Wire for you.
Cute. Cute bit.
I love a good running gag.
There's a great little "down home country style,
sitting by the fire whittling and fiddling" song
called "Put Another Log on the Fire."
Here now is that song, and here too is tonight's very special guest star,
Miss Candice Bergen.
* Put another log on the fire *
* Cook me up some bacon and some beans *
* And go out to the car And change the tire *
* Wash my socks And sew my old blue jeans *
* Come on baby, you can fill my pipe *
* And then go fetch my slippers *
* And boil me up another pot of tea *
* Then put another log on the fire, babe *
* Come on, tell me why you're leaving me *
* Now, don't I let you wash the car On Sunday? *
* Don't I warn you When you're getting fat? *
* Ain't I gonna take you fishing With me someday? *
* Well, a man can't love a woman More than that *
* And ain't I always nice To your kid sister? *
* Don't I take her driving every night? *
* So sit here at my feet 'Cause I like you when you're sweet *
* And you know It ain't feminine to fight *
* So put another log on the fire *
* Cook me up some bacon and some beans *
* And go out to the car And change the tire *
* Wash my socks And sew my old blue jeans *
* Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe *
* And then go fetch my slippers *
* And boil me up another pot of tea *
* So put another log on the fire, babe *
* And come and tell me Why you're leaving me *
Yee-haw!
Letter for Kermit the Frog.
Letter for Ker…
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
You know I am, Fozzie.
Letter for you.
A letter.
Funny. Funny.
Someday I'm gonna get him.
I don't know how, but I'm going to get him.
It's not a bad joke, though.
Oh. Letter for Scooter the gofer. Letter for Scooter the gofer.
- What's that? - Are you Scooter the gofer?
- You know I am. - There's a letter for you.
I'll have to read it later. I'm busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen.
See you.
Funny!
Hey, when I went to school, I was the teacher's pet.
What's the matter? Couldn't she afford a dog?
If the queen of England was free tomorrow night,
would you take her to dinner?
Sure bet. Course I would.
She can't make it, so how about me?
You know, you dance like Rogers.
Oh, Ginger Rogers?
No, Roy Rogers.
Hey, Mildred, would you mind if I popped the question?
Oh, of course not, George.
Thanks.
Oh, shut up.
It's nice to have you with us on the panel, Clara.
Okay. It's time once again, friends,
time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program.
And our subject tonight is, "Does travel broaden the mind?"
Our panel tonight consists of Mildred Hockstadder, MA, BA, DA and DUMB.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, brother.
Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse and black belt holder.
- Mm-hm. Kissy, kissy. - Ugh.
Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch.
Let's move it along, Frog.
And our guest panelist, Miss Clara Cartwell,
well-known travel agent and author of the best-selling book,
Europe on $5,000 a Day.
Ha, ha. No, no, no. It's called Europe on $50 a Day.
The book itself, however, costs $5,000.
Mm. Mm-hm. Probably well worth it, too.
Oh, yes. Yes.
- Yes, pictures and everything, I bet. - Yes. The works.
Okay, but let's get back to our subject, which is "Does travel broaden the mind?"
Miss Cartwell.
As I write in my new book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day,
traveling is the most broadening experience possible.
Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all, and she's broader than any of us.
Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't be on the panel, you'll be under it!
- Ladies, please control yourselves. - Excuse me.
Carla, let me apologize for those weirdos.
I myself am a world traveler.
Is that right? Where have you been?
Persia.
I bought a rug there. Mm.
Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it.
I like bald eagles.
No.
- Oh, dear. - Not that kind of rug.
Yes. Well, I think we're getting away from the subject,
which was "Does travel broaden the mind?"
Ah. Well, absolutely no doubt about it.
For example, I had a friend who never went anywhere,
lived in the same town for over 30 years.
She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.
To laugh is to live!
You mean it isn't an Italian soup?
- And he calls himself a world traveler? - Mm-hm.
No, no, wait,
I have been to restaurants where I have ordered Mastroianni and gotten it.
Really? What did you get?
A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowl.
I always send him back.
What do you get when you order a Russian dressing?
Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights?
I fail to see the humor in that.
Oh, I love it.
Burst his balloon, honey, he's so pompous.
Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either let some air out, or go on a diet.
You're knocking me off the panel.
I'll knock you out of the theater in a second.
Okay, ladies. Wait. Please. We have a special guest with us.
I think you'd better put your best face forward.
And whose face is Porker here going to borrow?
That does it. Why…
Well, I guess that does it for our panel.
- I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell. - No, it's been very broadening.
- Uh, do you really like me without my rug? - I do. Are you busy later?
What? No, but I could, uh… We could wing out somewhere.
Join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution, a modern myth?"
* It's not where you start *
* It's where you finish *
* It's not how you go *
* It's how you land *
* A hundred-to-one shot *
* They call him a klutz *
* Can outrun the favorite *
* All he needs is the guts *
* Your final return *
* Will not diminish *
* And you can be the cream of the crop *
* It's not where you start *
* It's where you finish *
* And I'm gonna finish on… *
Rowlf. Hey, Rowlf, listen,
Kermit says you sang the song too quick. You have to sing it again.
- But you only have a minute. Okay? - All right.
Here we go.
* It's not where you start It's where you finish *
* It's not how you go, it's how you land *
* A hundred-to-one shot They call him a klutz *
* Can outrun the favorite All he needs is the guts *
How am I doing?
* The final return will not diminish *
* And you can be the cream of the crop *
* It's not where you start It's where you finish *
* And I'm gonna finish on… *
Listen. It's my uncle's favorite song.
He'd like to hear it one more time, but you only have 20 seconds.
All right, hit it!
* It's not where you start It's where you finish *
* It's not how you go, it's how you land *
That's 15 seconds.
* A hundred-to-one shot They call him a klutz *
* Can outrun the favorite All he needs is the guts *
- Ten seconds. - * Your final return will not diminish *
- * And you can be the cream of the crop * - Five, four.
* It's not where you start It's where you finish *
* And I'm gonna finish on time *
Nearly.
Cheese.
- Got that? - Yeah.
Um, Kermit, do you think you could do something more candid?
Uh, sure. Let's see.
How's that?
Well, it's not exactly candid, if you know what I mean.
Okay. Yes. Candid for Candice.
Frog in repose.
What I was thinking was something a little more natural,
More natural? Let's see. What have we got? Well…
- Make sure you get my good side. - Which side is the good side?
I think it's this side. It might be this side.
Or maybe… I don't know. What do you think?
Well, I think that… Head-on. Why don't we try one head-on?
- Just naturally. - Head-on?
Although my profile has been compared to Barrymore.
Yeah, Ethel Barrymore.
Sweetums, if you don't mind, Candice is trying to take my picture.
- Oh, yeah? Is that a good camera there? - Yeah. That's a terrific camera.
This is an 85-210 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss optics.
This is a great camera.
I don't know, I've tasted better.
Kermit, he ate my camera.
You're lucky. Last week he ate the guest.
Cute. It's a cute show.
Der speecy spicy chili juice.
Here are der speecy spicy.
This here, the hotsie totsie.
This here der pepper saucen.
Mm.
More speecy spicy seesly chili juicely.
With the hotsie totsie.
Der pepper saucen.
Mm-hm. Mm. Mm!
* Look at that face *
* Just look at it *
* Look at that fabulous face of yours *
* I knew first look I took at it *
* This was a face that the world adores *
* Look at those eyes *
* As wise and as deep as the sea *
* Look at that nose *
* It shows what a nose should be *
* As for your smile *
* It's lyrical, friendly And warm as a summer's day *
* That face is just a miracle *
* Where could I ever find words to say *
* The way that it makes me happy *
* Whatever the time or place? *
* I'll find in no book *
* What I find when I look at that face *
Hmm. Interesting.
Rather definitive, yes?
Of course. Why not?
Inspired, but by what?
* The way that it makes me happy *
* Whatever the time or place *
* I'll find in no book *
* What I find when I look… *
Animal, that does not look like her.
I told you to paint her.
Ah. Thank you.
* What I find when I look at that face *
Note for Kermit the Frog.
Oh. Are you Kermit the Frog?
Yes, Fozzie. I am Kermit the Frog.
Note for you.
G sharp.
Will you guys cut that out?
Funny!
Funny, I like it.
Time now for Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
- All right. Now, what's the next case? - He's right here, Dr. Bob.
- Of course. What's this man here for? - A stomachache, Dr. Bob.
Stomachache, check.
There. That should ache for some time.
He's also here for a sore throat.
- Easy. - Wait!
I've got a sore throat, I want it to go away.
Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?
Open up your mouth.
Aha. Aha! Oh-ho!
- I see the problem immediately. - What is it, Dr. Bob?
- This man has a frog in his throat. - Are you certain?
Positive.
Very funny. Just see if this dumb doctor sketch ever gets on the show again.
And so Dr. Bob has found a patient
with a case of ingrown TV-show host.
Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:
Let's clean up around here. This operating room is a mess.
That's nothing. You should see it in here.
Watch this. Have I got a topper for my running gag tonight!
It is too much. Okay, watch.
Flower for Kermit the Frog. Flower for Kermit the Frog. Flow…
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
You know I am, Fozzie.
- Flour for you. - Hmm?
See? See that? That's a joke.
Yeah. And that was the punch.
No, Fozzie. This is the punch.
* And I am all alone *
* There is no one here beside me *
* And my problems have all gone *
* There is no one to deride me *
Ahem. I'm here. It's me.
Because you have to have friends, you see, Gonzo.
* The feeling's oh so strong *
* Yes, you've got to have friends *
* To last that whole day long *
* I had some friends but they're gone *
* I said, something come And took them away *
* And from the dusk to the dawn *
* Well, here is where I'll stay *
* Well, standing at the end Of the road, guys *
* Waiting for your new friends to come *
* I don't care if I'm hungry or cold *
* I gotta get me some *
* 'Cause you gotta have friends *
* The feeling's, oh, so strong *
* Yes, you gotta have friends *
* To make that day last long *
* Yes, you gotta have friends *
* La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la *
* Friends *
- * La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la * - * Friends *
You have to have friends, you see.
You have to have friends. It's important in life to have them.
Don't you think? It is, though.
* Friends *
* Yes, you've got to have friends *
Oh, boy, oh, boy. Kermit's letting me wrap up the show tonight.
Okay. Ahem.
Now, let's thank our special guest star Miss Candice Bergen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Fozzie. I had a terrific time.
It's just that I'm a little worried that maybe Kermit's upset with you.
- You know what I mean? - Oh, no, no, no.
- He loves running gags. - Pie for Fozzie the Bear.
Pie for Fozzie the Bear. Are you Fozzie the Bear?
No.
Good. I got a pie for you anyway.
Look what you did.
We'll see you next week on The Muppet Show.
You did that to the lady, the guest. What a runt.
Are you all right?
- I think I ought to see a doctor. - Why do you say that?
I'm beginning to like the show.