Jean Stapleton, 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Stapleton.
Thank you.
Good luck, Miss Stapleton. - Good luck, Miss Stapleton.
Thank you.
There's just one thing I've got to remember.
I am normal.
Jean, get a grip on yourself.
Oh, no, I didn't mean that!
No, please!
It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star,
Miss Jean Stapleton! Yay!
♪ It's time to play the music It's time to light the light
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to get things started
♪ Why don't you get things started?
Think we'll be entertained tonight? - I will. I brought a book.
♪ It's time to get things started
♪ On the most sensational, inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show ♪
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome again to The Muppet Show.
The show they said would never get off the ground.
Uh, they were right.
But we are fortunate enough to have with us as our special guest,
a wonderful actress and television star, Miss Jean Stapleton.
Kermit, excuse me, excuse me. - What is it, Fozzie?
I gotta tell you what happened. - Mm-hmm.
When we were booking Jean for the show,
I was expecting a call from my tailor.
Your tailor? - Yeah.
When a guy phoned and asked me if I liked Jean Stapleton
I said that I don't wear jeans
and I certainly wouldn't want them stapled on.
Stapled on.
Jeans... ears.
Help me.
Is it too late to go into hibernation?
Yes, by about two minutes. - Gotcha.
Well, we'd like to get the show off to a great start,
but having failed that, let's head for the border!
♪ Tico Tico, Tico Tico Tock
♪ Tico Tico, he's the cuckoo in my clock
♪ And when he says "cuckoo" he means it's time to woo
♪ It's Tico time for all the lovers on the block
♪ I've got a heavy date A tete-a-tete at eight
♪ So speak, oh, Tico, tell me if it's getting late
♪ If I'm on time, cuckoo But if I'm late, woo-woo
♪ The one my heart is gone to may not want to wait
♪ Forjust a birdie and a birdie who goes nowhere
♪ He knows of every lover's lane and how to go there
♪ For in affairs of the heart my Tico's terribly smart
♪ He tells me, "Gently sentimentally at the start!"
♪ Oh, we hear the little Tico Tico calling
♪ Because the time is right and shades of night are falling
♪ I love that not-so-cuckoo cuckoo in the clock
♪ Tico Tico Tico Tico Tico Tock
♪ Forjust a birdie and a birdie who goes nowhere
♪ He knows of every lover's lane and how to go there
♪ For in affairs of the heart My Tico's terribly smart
♪ He tells me, "Gently sentimentally at the start!"
♪ Oh, we hear the little Tico Tico calling
♪ Because the time is right and shades of night are falling
♪ I love that not-so-cuckoo cuckoo in the clock
♪ She loves that not-so-cuckoo cuckoo in the clock
♪ Tico Tico Tico Tico Tico Tock ♪
Am I crazy or was that good?
You're crazy.
I thought so.
OK, nice number.
Tico Tico. Ahh.
No pictures backstage. Out, out!
Buenos dias, Senor Kermit.
Gonzo, you weren't in that last number.
No. I'm learning Spanish for my new act.
Oh, OK. - Yeah, you have to learn Spanish
if you're gonna train Mexican jumping beans.
Uh, makes sense. - Gracias.
I'm gonna go rehearse now. - Great. Adios.
What?
Uh, goodbye. - Oh, goodbye.
Adios. Whatever.
Kermit, look!
They're gone! My Mexican jumping beans were in this dish and they're gone!
Well, maybe, uh, somebody ate them.
Ate my stars? Kermit.
It wasn't you, was it? - Uh, no, Gonzo, it wasn't me.
I know how to find out. All I have to do is say "Arriba. "
Ah! Ah! - Arriba.
Arriba. - Ah!
Animal! Come back here! - What?
You ate my stars!
Animal, you gotta get on stage for the band!
♪Arriba! ♪Arriba!
♪Arriba!
I hope he doesn't eat my waltzing walnuts.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our special guest star,
comedian, actress, singer and very nice lady, Miss Jean Stapleton.
Uh, gentlemen, lady...
What? - What seems to be the problem, Jean?
Well, uh, that music, it doesn't seem to be the right music.
May I see it, please? - It seems normal to me.
Yeah, just your ordinary, very elaborate pretentious orchestration.
What's it called? - Elaborate Pretensions for Orchestras.
Uh, couldn't we just do that nice, simple piece?
Well, how about a nice, simple Latin American riff?
♪Arriba!
No Latin stuff tonight. - No. No, thank you.
It's that sweet, simple duet that I rehearsed with Fozzie.
Where is Fozzie? - I know how that one goes.
It goes like this...
Oh, yes. Thank you. That's it.
♪ Won't you play
♪ A simple melody
♪ Like my mother
♪ Sang to me
♪ One with good old-fashioned
♪ Harmony
♪ Play a simple
♪ Melody
Fozzie? Fozzie? - Here I am, Jean.
You forgot something. - Oh, I never forget.
Where's your ukulele? - Oh, I forgot!
You're a dingbat.
I was only kidding.
Go!
♪ Musical demon Set your honey a-dreamin'
♪ Won't you play me some rag
♪ Just change that classical nag
♪ To some sweet beautiful drag
♪ If you will play from a copy
♪ Of a tune that is choppy
♪ You'll get all my applause
♪ And that is simply because
♪ I want to listen to rag
♪ Musical demon Set your honey a-dreamin'
- # Won't you play me some rag - # Play a simple melody
- # Just change that classical nag - # Like my mother
- # To some sweet beautiful drag - # Sang to me
- # If you will play from a copy - # One with
- # Of a tune that is choppy - # Good old-fashioned
- # You'll get all my applause - # Harmony
- # And that is simply because - # Play a simple
- # I want to listen to rag - # Melody
Come on, everybody! Sing!
♪ Musical demon Set your honey a-dreamin'
- # Won't you play me some rag - # Play a simple melody
- # Just change that classical nag - # Like my mother
- # To some sweet beautiful drag - # Sang to me
- # If you will play from a copy - # One with
- # Of a tune that is choppy - # Good old-fashioned
- # You'll get all my applause - # Harmony
- # And that is simply because - # Play a simple
- # I want to listen to rag - # Melody
Now you! - # I want to listen to rag
Me! # I want to listen to rag
Now everyone! - ♪ I want to listen to rag ♪
Boy, that number was something else!
You mean it was good? - No, it was something else.
OK, 1 3 and 75...
Sandwich! Here's your sandwich, frog!
Gladys, I didn't order a sandwich. - What?!
Look, somebody ordered a sandwich from the canteen. Now who was it?
I don't know. You'll have to ask around.
I'm too busy. You do it.
Gladys, I'm trying to put on a show.
Well, big deal!
Look, I got a full grill downstairs.
Got six burgers on, couple of steaks and two lobsters.
Lobsters? Since when are they on the menu?
They're not on the menu. The lobsters ordered the steak!
Why don't you just leave the sandwich?
It ain't been paid for yet. - Well, you can charge it to the show.
Are you nuts? - Take it back, sell it to someone else!
Who's gonna buy a walnut lima bean sandwich?
Walnut and lima bean, is that what it is?
Yeah. - Gonzo, your lunch is here!
Take it back. - What's the matter with it?
You forgot the jelly.
Show business!
Oh, I'm so happy.
Why is that?
Because we're out together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek.
Hey, waiter, can you break a ten?
Certainly.
Don't mention it.
I wish I hadn't.
Oh, I see you don't have much to say.
I don't understand that. - You have to think about it.
Wait a minute! You've got a fish sticking out of your ear.
Yes, it's my herring aid.
Transistorized? - No, marinated.
I see you still don't have much to say.
Um, I've thought about it. I still don't understand it.
Oh, Laticia, I love you.
Say, are you pulling my leg?
No, why?
It just dropped off.
I don't get that either.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I would now like to sing a very pretty little song
accompanied by my doggy friend.
♪ I love my little cat, I do
♪ It's coat is, oh, so warm
♪ It comes each day with me to school
♪ And sits upon the form
♪ When teacher says "Why do you bring
♪ That little pet of yours?"
♪ I tell her that I bring my cat
♪ Along with me because
♪ Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow
♪ Bow wow
♪ Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow
♪ Bow wow
♪ I've got a little cat And I'm very fond of that
♪ But I'd rather have a bow wow Wow, wow, wow, wow
I can't go on. It's humiliating to be called a "bow wow. "
But it's only a song, Rowlf. - I refuse to do it, Miss Oink Oink.
Sing, flea bag. - Uh, yes sir.
♪ I'll be so glad when I get old
♪ To do just as I please
♪ I'll have a dozen bow wows then
♪ A parrot and some bees
♪ Whene'er I see a little pet
♪ I'll kiss the tiny thing
♪ 'Twill remind me of the time gone by
♪ When I would cry and sing
♪ Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow
Bark bark.
♪ Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow
Meow. - # I've got a little cat
♪ I am very fond of that
♪ But I'd rather have a bow wow Wow, wow, wow, wow
- # Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow - Oink oink.
- # Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow - Bow wow.
♪ I've got a little cat I am very fond of that
♪ But I'd rather have a bow wow wow ♪
Uh, Miss Stapleton,
I hope you are surviving your ordeal on this unsavory program.
Oh. - I mean, you obviously are a woman
whose taste is impeccable.
Oh, thank you, but I'm enjoying it. - Hmm.
I'm having a lot of fun. I guess that means my taste is, um...
...peckable.
Peckable.
Oh, speaking of language, can I ask you a question about the Swedish Chef?
The Swedish Chef? What about him?
Well, you all know around here that he doesn't speak real Swedish?
He what?! - No, he doesn't.
He... Uh, send in the Chef!
Send in the Chef! Imagine.
All these years, you mean he has been speaking mock Swedish?
Don't be too hard on him.
Well, I have never... Where is he?
Oh. He said he got here as soon as he could.
Well... Well, you tell him that from now...
How do you know what he said?
Oh, I took a correspondence course once in mock Swedish.
Oh, he admits the whole thing. - Mmm.
He says he doesn't speak real Swedish. - Hmm.
Well, you tell him that this must end.
He must stop speaking mock Swedish,
and speak honestly and normally.
Oh, all right.
Well...
Aww. - What?
He admits the error of his ways.
And he says from now on he'll speak only in his native tongue.
Mmm. Good.
What, uh, what did he say?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't speak mock Japanese.
Wayne, Deadly and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama.
Miss Piggy, what are you doing here?
You're not even in the melodrama.
Mm-hmm. You are not the first to notice.
But Miss Piggy, I never even thought of putting you in the melodrama.
I thought of putting you in the hospital.
Uh, yeah, but see you wouldn't want to be in the melodrama, it's a small part.
How small? - It's a very small part,
and I can't give a very small part like that to a big star like you.
Oh, well, hmm... I see your point.
Yeah, so I thought I'd give it to Annie Sue.
She needs experience. - She needs talent.
Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, please don't make me do the melodrama.
But it's your first chance at a dramatic role.
I know, but I'm too scared.
Oh, Annie Sue, you'll be just fine, really.
All right, break! Give it a rest, frog!
Excuse us.
Kermie, it is obvious that the child is unprofessional.
Annie Sue, go to your room.
Oh, brother.
But... - I will save the show, Kermie.
The part shall be played by moi.
Uh... by you, Miss Piggy?
Yes.
OK. Hey, guys, tie Piggy to the railroad tracks.
Now, for the last time, will you marry me?
For the last time, never, you scoundrel!
Oh, where is my hero?
Never fear, my pet, I will save you.
My hero!
Wayne?
Curses, foiled again.
Isn't this a double-overhand knot? - Yes, it is.
I haven't seen those since I left the Junior Swamp Scouts.
You were in the Junior Swamp Scouts, too?
Troop 37. - Troop 37?
Junior Swamp Scouts never blue.
A Junior Swamp Scout's always true.
Always ready to save the day.
We're Junior Swamp Scouts. Hooray, hooray!
I don't believe this. - Uh-oh!
You got the double sheep's head wrong.
It goes like this. - You'll suffer for this, guys.
Remember? The rabbit runs around the tree twice,
and then goes in his hole.
Oh! Now I get it. - Who cares?
There. She'll never get out of that. - Hey.
You remember... - Hey, guys! Hey!
Hey... Oh, that does it!
Where's that frog?
Kermit? Kermit, of all the lousy cheap shots you ever pulled on me...
I know, Miss Piggy. I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that whole sketch was going to get that far out of hand.
Oh, please forgive me.
You're forgiven.
Whoa! - Wardrobe!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.
Many people suffer the embarrassment of being ridiculously tall and spindly.
Isn't that right, Beaker?
But now comes the Honeydew shrinking pill.
Take one, Beaker. - Hmm.
Not the whole bottle!
Oh dear.
Well, I guess that's all for today from Muppet Labs.
Whoa!
OK, strike the Muppet Lab set, please.
Kermit, could I see you for a minute?
Oh, sure, Jean. - About this next number,
I really would rather not do it.
You mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates
and the chickens playing bagpipes and you dancing with a seven foot doorknob?
It's just one cliche after another.
I... I see what you mean.
I'll tell you what I'd really like to do.
What's that? - Another duet
with my favorite Muppet. - Ah, well, that's very nice.
That's a delightful idea. - Oh, good, good.
Now where's Crazy Harry?
Crazy Harry? That's suicidal.
There you are, you cute thing.
Jean, I don't know what you're planning to do
but whatever it is, it is not safe. - Oh, no, this is a wonderful idea.
It's a musical number.
A musical number? - Yes, yes.
Well... I guess as long as it's musical, it's OK.
Oh! You darling!
Now listen, is the boiler set up? - It's beautiful.
Oh, great. Go ahead, get ready. - The boiler?
I'll get up the steam.
I didn't know Crazy Harry played a musical instrument.
Oh, yes. - Which one?
The explodaphone.
Explodaphone? Jean, you could get killed!
Oh, Kermit, listen. I'm not new to this business.
I've been all over the world.
You might be again.
Listen, don't worry. You're gonna love it.
Well, I may not love it, but I'll introduce it.
Uh, and now, once again,
here she is, taking her life into her own hands
and throwing it away,
ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton.
♪ I'm just wild about Harry
Oh!
♪ And Harry's wild about me
♪ The heavenly blisses of his kisses
♪ Fill me with ecstasy
Oh!
♪ He's sweet just like chocolate candy
♪ And just like honey from the bee
Whoo-hoo!
♪ Oh, I'm just wild about Harry
♪ And he's just wild about
♪ Oh! He cannot do without
♪ He's just wild about me
♪ He's sweet just like chocolate candy
♪ And sweet as honey from the bee
♪ Oh, I'm just wild about Harry
♪ And Harry's wild about
♪ Cannot do without
♪ Harry's wild about
♪ Me ♪
Thank you! Well, those of you with nervous dispositions
will be very happy to know that we have reached the end of The Muppet Show.
But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you
for our courageous guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton. Yay!
Thank you, Kermit. I really got a kick out of it.
Did someone say "Kick out of it?"
Harry, you're not supposed to set those off if somebody says just anything.
Did someone say "Just anything?"
Oh, help. Good night. - Did someone say "Help, good night?"
No!
I liked that last number. - What did you like about it?
It was the last number.