Alice Cooper, 1 5 seconds to curtain, Mr. Cooper.
Ready whenever you say, Scooter.
Uh, sir, I think there's something you should know.
Yes. - These monsters aren't ours.
I know. They're mine.
It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star,
Alice Cooper! Yay!
♪ It's time to play the music It's time to light the light
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to get things started
♪ Why don't you get things started?
You've gotta admit, the opening is catchy.
So is smallpox.
♪ It's time to get things started
♪ On the most sensational, inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show! ♪
Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Tonight, our special guest star is one of the world's most talented,
but frightening performers, Alice Cooper.
So, beware of ghoulies and ghosties
and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.
That does it! I'm leaving!
Here's Alice Cooper.
♪ Welcome to my nightmare
♪ I think you're gonna like it
♪ I think you're gonna feel
♪ You belong
♪ Welcome to my nightmare
♪ Yeah
♪ Welcome to my breakdown
♪ I hope I didn't scare you
♪ That's just the way we are when we come down
♪ Yeah
♪ We sweat and laugh and scream here
♪ 'Cause life is just a dream here
♪ You know inside you feel
♪ Right at home
♪ Here
♪ Welcome to my breakdown Yeah
♪ Welcome to my nightmare Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Welcome to my nightmare
♪ I think you're gonna like it
♪ I think you're gonna feel you belong
♪ Welcome to my nightmare Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Welcome to my nightmare Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Welcome to my nightmare Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Where do you suppose he got the name Alice?
It's a family name. He was named after a maiden uncle.
Hey, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show.
Let's see, what's next? William Tell act onstage, you guys.
Come on, move it! Move it!
Don't shout! It makes me n... n... nervous.
OK, way to go, Alice. - Oh, thank you, Kermit.
It must be great to be a rock star.
Oh, would you like to be a rock star?
Uh, well, uh, yeah, sure, love to be a rock star.
Well, then, just sign this contract.
Contract?
Uh, yes, I have a friend that runs a service.
He could guarantee to make you a rock star.
Yeah, well, when I said I wanted to be a rock star, I was sort of half kidding.
I mean, well, I'd like to be an astronaut too.
Well, then, just cross out the word "rock star" and write in "astronaut. "
I don't think I want anything to do with this.
It looks like you're stuck with it, doesn't it?
Just read it over anyways.
Oh, he must be kidding.
Why, how can he guarantee that? And what must it cost?
Not a penny... Just your soul.
I... I... I'm sure I didn't hear that, or see it.
Ouch!
But that I heard.
You just can't move when I'm shooting. I've told you that a thousand times.
Well, you know me: In one ear and out the other.
Weird, weird show.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
Well, our latest development is the germ enlarger.
For years, scientists have had to study teensy weensy germs
under a powerful microscope.
But now, the germ enlarger makes the microscope obsolete.
Comes out of your pay, Beaker.
Here, in this dish, is isolated a sample of the deadly germ
skeptococcus yuchotherium.
Now, watch what happens when Beaker adds one drop of germ enlarger.
Notice how easy it is, now, for Beaker to study that germ.
And vice versa.
That's all, for now, from Muppet Labs. Well, Beaker...
Hmm.
Bunsen, that germ better not be contagious.
"... party of the first part guarantees to give party of the second part
fabulous riches and worldwide fame. "
Kermit, what is this contract?
Oh, that... Oh, that... That just belongs to Alice. That's, uh...
You know the Faust story? - No.
OK, well, you see, Faust sold his soul to the Devil
and in return, became very rich and very famous,
and Alice says that this is that kind of a contract.
Really? Where do I sign?!
I've gotta get a pen. Hey, give me a pen.
I'll give you a chicken for it. I'll give you all my chickens for a pen!
I'd sell my soul for a pen!
No, I have other plans for that.
A pen! I gotta have a pen!
Somebody! Fozzie! Scooter!
Ooh! I've never known a toothache this bad before.
He's never known a toothache this bad before.
It's like having toothache all over my body.
It's like having toothache all over his body.
And another thing. - And another thing.
I keep hearing voices.
And what's worse... - And what's worse...
...the echo is often incorrect.
Shh.
And sometimes...
And sometimes it says what I'm going to say before I've said it.
...it says what I'm going to s...
Yeah, well...
Yeah, well, none of this is helping my toothache.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Pity you couldn't take the teeth as well.
Who was that?
Don't look at us.
Whoa!
I've never known a toothache this bad before.
He's never known a toothache this bad before.
It's like having toothache all over my body.
It's like having toothache all over...
And another...
Mr. Cooper. - Yes.
I don't believe it.
Let me come right to the point.
You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate,
barbaric, naughty...
...freako.
Why, thank you.
Freakos: One, Civilization: Zero.
Who ordered the spider sandwich?
Uh, oh, Gladys, this show is so weird tonight.
I'm gonna stay right down here in the canteen with these clean-cut kids.
Why can't we have one thing nice on this show tonight?
♪ Somewhere
♪ Over the rainbow
♪ Way up high
♪ There's a land
♪ That I heard of
♪ Once in a lullaby
♪ Somewhere
♪ Over the rainbow
♪ Skies are blue
♪ And the
♪ Dreams that you dare to dream
♪ Really do come true
♪ Someday I'll wish upon a star
♪ And wake up where the clouds are far
♪ Behind me
♪ Where troubles melt like lemon drops
♪ Away above the chimney tops
♪ That's where you'll
♪ Find me
♪ Somewhere
♪ Over the rainbow
♪ Bluebirds fly
♪ Birds fly
♪ Over the rainbow
♪ Why then, oh, why can't I?
♪ If happy little bluebirds fly
♪ Beyond the rainbow
♪ Why, oh, why
♪ Can't I? ♪
Oh, boy, this is a spooky show.
Think about that, folks.
Not you.
Huh?
- # This is my... - # Once a year day
♪ Once a year day Felt the morning sun and knew that
- # This was my... - # Once a year day
♪ Once a year day
♪ Even got a kiss from you
♪ I feel like hopping up and down like a kangaroo
♪ Jumping fences, climbing trees What pleases me is what I'll do
- # 'Cause this is my - # Once a year day
♪ Once a year day
♪ Everyone's entitled to be wild
- # Be a child - # Be a goof
♪ Raise the roof
♪ Once a year
♪ This is my once a year day
♪ Once a year day Felt the morning sun and knew that
♪ This was my once a year day
♪ Once a year day
♪ Everyone's entitled to be wild
♪ Be a child Be a goof, raise the roof
♪ Once a year ♪
And, with the power vested in me,
I have touched you and made you beautiful.
Let no man call you ugly.
With me at your side, we will lead a life of eternal happiness.
♪ When I get home from work wanna wrap myself around you
♪ I wanna take you, squeeze you
♪ Till the passion starts to rise
♪ I'd like to take you to heaven
♪ That would make my day complete
♪ But you and me ain't no movie stars
♪ What we are is what we are
♪ We share a bed, some lovin'
♪ And TV
♪ And that's enough for a workin' man
♪ What I am is what I am
♪ I tell you, baby You're just enough for me
♪ Sometimes when you're asleep
♪ And I'm just staring at the ceiling
♪ I wanna reach out and touch you
♪ But you just go on dreamin'
♪ I'd like to take you to heaven
♪ That would make my day complete
♪ But you and me ain't no superstars
♪ What we are is what we are
♪ We share a bed, some popcorn
♪ And TV
♪ And that's enough for a workin' man
♪ What I am is what I am
♪ I tell you, baby You're just enough for me
♪ I tell you, baby You're just enough for me ♪
Excuse... Hey, who turned off the lights?
Miss Piggy wanted onstage for Pigs in Space.
I'll be right there.
Pardon moi, Alicimo.
What? What the...? Hey!
All right, listen, Cooper, the deal is off!
Make with the magic!
Oh, all right. - All right!
Oh, all right, all right! That's better!
And you can tell your man I wouldn't sell you my soul if you paid me!
Creep!
Yeah, hello, boss?
No, no, I didn't make a sale.
Uh, listen, do I get any commission on hourly rentals?
Touchy.
And now, Pigs in Space!
When we last saw the spaceship, Swinetrek,
Captain Link Hog Throb was suffering from a mysterious space disease.
Oh!
First Mate Piggy, help me move Link back to the electro cosmotron.
Yes! Yes!
It's like King Kong.
Easy, yeah, good, good.
Whew! - Oh, doctor, does he stand a chance?
Well, I hesitate to try this shock treatment.
It's very dangerous, and it could kill him.
Oh! Is there no alternative?
Well, you could give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
You connect the wires, I'll throw the switch.
Mmm-hmm. - Ready?
So... just... Now, all connected.
Three... two... one...
Hey... what...
Oh! Look, Dr. Strangepork, he's coming around.
Yes, it worked! Turn it off now, First Mate Piggy.
Yes.
Uh, Dr. Strangepork, what happened?
Oh, just temporary, Link.
I said turn it off!
Uh... I did!
Uh-oh. Sorry, Link.
But look at me. I'm just a shell of my former self.
But, uh... But, uh, uh...
You're much more interesting. - Mmm?
No, I think he looks weird.
Of course he looks weird.
I'm just trying to make him feel better, dummo.
Huh. Do you really think I look more interesting?
Yes, dear.
Well, in that case, how about a little kissy kissy.
What?! - Hmm?
Look what you did!
Funny, I look more interesting, but you look weird.
Hey, shut up, Strangepork!
I'll do something to help as soon as I can stop laughing.
Oh, yeah? Well, stop this!
Hi-yah!
Oh, no! Swinekopf, look what you've done to me!
Tune in next week, but I'm sure you'll be able
to find something better to watch than
Pigs in Space!
Yeah... What did you think of that?
Out of sight. - You mean you liked it?
No, it was out of sight. I had my eyes closed.
And now, for one last time, Alice Cooper.
♪ Well, we got no choice
♪ All the girls and boys
♪ Makin' all that noise
♪ 'Cause they found new toys
♪ Well, we can't salute ya Can't find a flag
♪ If that don't suit ya That's a drag
♪ School's out for summer
♪ School's out forever
♪ School's been blown to pieces
♪ No more pencils
♪ No more books
♪ No more teacher's
♪ Dirty looks
♪ Well, we got no class
♪ And we got no principles
♪ And we got no innocence
♪ We can't even think of a word that rhymes
♪ School's out forever
♪ School's out for summer
♪ School's out with fever
♪ My school's been blown
♪ To pieces ♪
Well, it's been a little strange tonight, even for us,
but before we all go home and hide under the bed,
uh, let us bring out our very special guest, Alice Cooper!
What a great show!
Kermit, it's been a real pleasure.
This is the voice of doom!
Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.
Gonzo, is that the contract with the devil?
Uh, no, it's worse than that. This is the bill from Special Effects.
I don't want to think about it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
So that was Alice Cooper?
You should see his sister, James Fennimore.