[DOOR OPENS]
-Who are you? -I'm Loretta Swit.
-Loretta Swit, our guest star. -Yes.
-Internationally acclaimed actress. -Oh, well...
-Star of M*A*S*H. -Yes.
-A brilliant comedian. -Oh, you're very sweet.
Dressing Room Number 3.
Sweep the floor when you're through, and try not to dirty the towel.
I'm beginning to wonder about this show.
When my contract arrived, it was written in crayon.
It's The Muppet Show,
with our very special guest star, Loretta Swit.
[CHEERING]
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
♪ It's time to play the music ♪
♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
♪ It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
♪ Why do we always come here? ♪
♪ I guess we'll never know ♪
♪ It's like a kind of torture ♪
♪ To have to watch the show ♪
♪ But now let's get things started ♪
♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪
♪ It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
♪ This is what we call ♪
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
[HONKS]
[LAUGHS]
[WHOOPS]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
And it's gonna be a wonderful show
because tonight's guest is the lovely star of the M*A*S*H TV series,
a brilliant comedian, a great movie actress,
Miss Loretta Swit.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
Yes! But while we're waiting to meet our invited guest,
let's look in on some other guests who weren't invited.
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
♪ One night Farmer Brown Was taking the air ♪
♪ After locking up the barn With the greatest of care ♪
♪ Then down in the henhouse Something stirred when he shouted: ♪
♪ Who's there?! ♪
♪ This is what he heard ♪
ALL: ♪ There ain't nobody here But us chickens ♪
BOTH: ♪ Bock, bock ♪ ALL: ♪ There ain't nobody here at all ♪
-♪ Bock, bock ♪ -♪ So quiet yourself ♪
-♪ Bock ♪ -♪ And stop that fuss ♪
-♪ Bock ♪ -♪ There ain't nobody here but us ♪
Hey, we chickens are trying to sleep,
and you bust in.
-♪ Bock ♪ -♪ And hobble, hobble, hobble, hobble ♪
♪ With your chin ♪
♪ There ain't nobody here But us chickens ♪
CHICKENS: ♪ Bock, bock ♪ ALL: ♪ There ain't nobody here at all ♪
CHICKENS: ♪ Bock, bock ♪
-♪ Your stomping around ♪ -♪ Bock ♪
-♪ Is shaking the ground ♪ -♪ Bock ♪
♪ You're raising up a powerful dust ♪
WEASEL: We chickens is trying to sleep, and you bust in.
ALL: ♪ And hobble, hobble, hobble ♪
♪ It's a sin ♪
♪ Tomorrow is a busy day ♪
♪ We've got things to do ♪
♪ We got eggs to lay ♪
♪ We got worms to dig ♪
♪ We got ground to scratch ♪
♪ And it takes a lot of settin' Gettin' chicks to hatch ♪
ALL: ♪ There ain't nobody here But us chickens ♪
You tell them.
ALL: ♪ There ain't nobody here at all ♪
[ANIMALS CLAMOR]
-♪ So quiet yourself ♪ BEAR: ♪ Yeah ♪
ANIMALS: ♪ And stop that fuss... ♪
[WHISTLES]
[CHICKENS CLUCKING]
ANIMALS: ♪ And kindly point that gun The other way ♪
♪ And hobble, hobble, hobble off And hit the hay ♪
Get them, girls!
[GONZO YELPING]
Save the hens! Save the hens!
[GUNSHOT]
-♪ There ain't nobody here ♪ CHICKENS: ♪ Bock ♪
[GUNSHOTS]
-♪ There ain't nobody here ♪ -♪ Bock, bock, bock ♪
-♪ But us chickens ♪ -♪ Bock, bock, bock-bock ♪
[CLUCKING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Yeah.
-What'd you think of that? -I liked it.
Oh, you--? Aah!
You liked that?
No, I just wanted to see what you'd do if I said I did.
-Ha-ha-ha. -Oh!
Okay, nice opening number. Chickens, check your guns.
Oh, can I help? Ha-ha-ha.
-Kermie. Kermie. -Hmm?
-I have a surprise for you. -What's that?
-Hold it. -Uh...
-Thanks. -Thank you.
What was that all about?
Um, uh, nothing. Bye.
[GIGGLES]
Hmm. How can I run a show with people pulling dumb stunts like that?
-Congratulations, chief. -On what?
That photographer said you were gonna be on the cover story
of that big gossip paper Tongue Magazine.
[GASPS]
They found out that you and Miss Piggy were secretly married last year in Vegas.
What?
But--
Piggy? Piggy?
Yes, mon chéri?
Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Um, what would make you think a thing like that?
The photographer who was just here! He was from Tongue Magazine!
Oh. Oh, him.
Well, it was just a little teeny tiny item.
It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
Well, it was a slight exaggeration...
-That's a bald-faced lie! -It's not. We are close.
I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy!
You have done that to me too many times! I will not stand for it!
What are you gonna do?
I'll tell you what I'm going to do! I'm going to fire you!
Piggy, you are fired! You are fired, Piggy!
You are fired! Fired!
[PANTING]
You're kidding.
I am not kidding.
But-- But I am in the next number.
I will cancel-- Cancel the next number!
Put on the Snorers' Chorus instead.
Snorers! Snorers' Chorus! Get the Snorers' Chorus on-stage.
-Hold it. Wait. It's my number. -Get out there. You guys, get out there.
-What? -You can't fire me. I'm the star.
You can be replaced, Piggy.
[SNORERS SNORING]
Oh? Oh, oh, I see. Just try.
-I will! I will! I will replace you. -Try, frog!
Boss, the Snorers are gonna put the audience to sleep.
-Well, so... -See? See?
I'll introduce Loretta.
-Get out there. Eighty-six the Snorers. -Okay, chief.
Snorers, get off the stage! Yeesh.
He must be kidding. How can he fire me?
Don't ask me. I was asleep.
Ugh! And now, ladies and--!
Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
here in a salute to the San Andreas Fault, Miss Loretta Swit.
[CHEERS]
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪ I feel the earth move under my feet ♪
♪ I feel the sky tumbling down ♪
♪ I feel my heart start to tremblin' ♪
♪ Whenever you're around ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, when I see your face ♪
♪ Mellow as the month of May ♪
♪ Oh, darling, I can't stand it ♪
♪ When you look at me that way ♪
♪ I feel the earth move under my feet ♪
♪ I feel the sky tumbling down ♪
♪ I feel my heart start to tremblin' ♪
♪ Whenever you're around ♪
♪ Oh, darling, when I'm near you ♪
♪ And you tenderly call my name ♪
♪ I know that my emotions ♪
♪ Are something I just can't tame ♪
♪ I've just got to have you, baby ♪
♪ Ah-ha-ha ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yeah ♪
♪ I feel the earth move under my feet ♪
♪ I feel the sky tumbling down ♪
♪ I feel the earth move under my feet ♪
♪ I feel the sky tumbling down ♪
♪ Tumbling down ♪
♪ I feel the earth move ♪
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Oh, that was terrific, Loretta.
Thank you, Gonzo. You're sweet.
Oh, I haven't laughed so much since I saw Earthquake.
Sweet, but sick.
I said, I hate long goodbyes!
So what?
So long!
Oh, heh. Oh, yeah?
-Well, the earthquake number went fine. -Oh, good.
I tell you, I do not need this show.
I have a whole world waiting out there for moi.
Well, don't keep them waiting!
Oh, I have musical-comedy offers, press conferences, film offers...
The last film you were ever offered was Lardo Sings the Blues!
-Oh. Oh, no, no... -Lardo Sings the--
-Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? -No, kids, kids.
No, no, no. Let's discuss this like grown-ups.
You don't discuss it like grown-ups when you're talking to a pig!
-You don't discuss it like grown-ups! -Croak! Croak! Croak!
-Not you! -Croak, goes the frog!
Quiet!
Kermit, you can't just pick her up and throw her out in the snow.
-Mm. -Not without a forklift, I can't.
Very funny, wart-boy.
Yeah? Yeah?
-Kermit? Kermit. -Nyah, nyah!
Shh. Now listen to me.
Who do you think you could get to play those scenes
-with the same verve and talent... -Mm. Talent.
-...and pizzazz? -Pizzazz.
Well, in Vet's Hospital, I was hoping you would.
[LORETTA GASPS AND PIGGY SCREAMS]
I'd love to.
Oh, good.
Oh, do you think the costume would fit me?
Sure. Oh, of course.
Anybody can play this part.
Uh, excuse me, do you work here?
Hi-yah!
[THUDDING]
[GROWLS]
NARRATOR: Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Say, isn't someone missing?
Okay.
Isn't someone missing?
[GROANS THEN LAUGHS]
Hello. I'm Nurse Loretta, and I'm here to fill in for Nurse Piggy.
Well, uh, if you're here to fill in for Nurse Piggy, you'd better fill out.
Oh, really.
Is that some kind of a fat joke?
Uh, yes, unfortunately, it's not the funny kind.
For sure. For sure.
Well, shall we get started?
Not yet. I'm not sure you're qualified
for what we do here at Veterinarian's Hospital.
-Oh. -Well, she might be.
I think I've seen her face somewhere else.
That couldn't be. My face has always been right where it is.
[BOB & JANICE GROAN]
You just qualified.
Have you got the instruments?
-Yes, doctor. Scalpel, sutures... -Have you got clamps?
No, my stomach's a little upset, but I don't have any clamps.
[BOTH GROAN]
I think you're overqualified.
LORETTA: Oh, ha, ha.
Say, I just remembered where I saw your face.
-It was on a show called M*A*S*H. -That's right.
Dumb name for a show, M*A*S*H.
Oh, I don't know.
My uncle, a sled dog, was on a show called M*U*S*H.
-Ohh. -Did it have a long run?
Yes, thanks to the Eskimo with the whip.
Oh, really.
NARRATOR: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:
Wait a minute. We haven't had a patient yet.
That's nothing. You haven't had a laugh yet either.
[BOB & JANICE GROAN THEN LAUGH]
[MUPPETS SINGING VOCAL WARM-UPS]
ROWLF: Okay. Okay, everybody. Ready?
-Scooter. -Oh, sorry.
Yes, okay, now let's rehearse it one more time
before Miss Piggy comes out.
-Good. Yes. ROWLF: Here we go. Ready?
ALL: ♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to mind ♪
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪
-Nice. That was very pretty. -Piggy will really like that.
Yeah. But in Piggy's case, shouldn't it be:
♪ And days of auld lang swine ♪
[ALL LAUGHING]
Joker.
ROWLF: Now, now. Now, now, be serious, guys.
Because Piggy's been with us for a long time,
and when she goes, well, it'll be very sad.
-Yeah. -Yeah, true.
Yeah, that's true.
On the other hand, when she goes, she takes her dog with her.
Foo-Foo! Yeah! We'll be rid of Foo-Foo.
That's right, that's right, it is so long to the hog's dog.
-Yeah! -Yeah, hog dog, yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
That dog is man's best fiend.
Yeah. You're right about that.
Yeah. Hey, Rowlf, the guys and I know another song for Piggy.
What's that?
♪ For she's a jolly good porker ♪
ALL: ♪ For she's a jolly good porker ♪
♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪
How terribly sweet of you all.
I... I don't know what to...
Oh!
ALL: ♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
GONZO: Olé! Arriba!
[BAND PLAYING MELANCHOLY JAZZ MUSIC]
♪ Some of these days ♪
♪ You'll miss me, Kermie ♪
♪ Some of these days ♪
♪ You'll feel so lonely ♪
♪ You'll miss my hugging ♪
♪ You'll miss my kissing ♪
♪ You'll miss me, honey ♪
♪ When I'm away ♪
♪ You'll feel so lonely ♪
♪ Just for me only ♪
♪ For you know, Kermie ♪
♪ Heh, you've had your way ♪
♪ And when I leave you ♪
♪ You know it'll grieve you ♪
♪ You know you're gonna miss Miss Piggy ♪
♪ Heh, some of these days ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
♪ You're gonna miss Miss Piggy ♪
♪ Heh! Some of these days! ♪
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
One more time!
♪ And when I leave you, ha, ha! ♪
♪ You know it's gonna grieve you ♪
♪ You're gonna miss, miss, miss Miss Piggy ♪
♪ Some of these days! ♪
Ha!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Goodbye, dressing rooms.
[GRUNTING]
Goodbye, walls.
Goodbye, crummy stairs.
And... Foo-Foo!
Come to Mommykins. Foo-Foo.
Ahem. Kermit?
Oh, Foo-Foo? Wait for the bus.
[BARKS]
-Kermit, ahem, we are departing. -Good.
We just have time to discuss, once more, you and I,
as adult mature people,
why I resigned.
You did not resign. You were dismissed.
You were given the boot, discharged, sacked!
You were fired!
There are many reasons why I resigned.
Ugh!
Sometimes things just don't work out between people.
-Hm. -Even though those...
people might care deeply about you.
Oh, Piggy.
Kermie? Oh, Kermie.
-How quickly your anger is gone. -Well, maybe.
You've forgotten all about that silly old gossip-column item, hmm?
It was a cover story, Piggy.
A cover story that said we were secretly married!
Scooter, Scooter, would you go up and ask Loretta
if she would take Piggy's part in Pigs in Space?
I'd love to.
[PIGGY GASPS THEN KERMIT CHUCKLES]
I'll get even for this. I am leaving!
Good.
Oh, Kermit, I'm so happy to be working avec vous.
Oh, avec moi?
Oh, I'm so happy you asked me to be in Pigs in Space, you little froggy-woggy.
Oh, yeah?
Oh! Well, I'm all ready. Wish me luck. Kissy-kissy, Kermie.
KERMIT: Mm, yeah, yeah.
[LORETTA & KERMIT GIGGLING]
I'll get even for this.
I'm staying!
NARRATOR [ECHOING]: And now, Pigs in Space!
As you may recall,
our last episode had nothing to do with the previous episode,
or this one either.
[LAUGHS]
Why, Linky-poo, how divine you look. Hee-hee-hee.
Don't be disrespectful, Strangepork.
These are not mine. I was attacked by them.
Well, if they're not yours, whose could they be?
[GRUNTING]
First Mate Piggy, report to the bridge on the double.
Oh. Oh, oh.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Yes... Yes, Captain Hogthrob? What is the matter?
Uh, can we try that again without the nose?
You mean the snout's out?
Mm-hm. Much better.
-Now, listen, First Mate Piggy. -Yes?
You must stop hanging your things to drip-dry in the shower.
-Really? -Mm.
And whose is this?
[HOGTHROB GASPING]
Where did you get that?
Right where you left it.
That's a lie. I never saw it before in my life.
Then why did your mom sew your name tag in it?
Oh! Um... Uh...
It is your name, Linky.
[STAMMERS]
I'm the captain. I have to look my best.
All right, Swit, I'm back. I'm taking over.
Oh, I'm so glad you're back. How we missed you.
I mean, well, no, this was really a lot of fun,
but, oh, you belong here.
-Really? -Oh, yes.
Oh, Pigs in Space is nothing without you.
Oh, Lorett, oh.
I'm so glad that Kermit rehired you.
Oh, wait a second. I did not rehire her. Pig, get off this stage!
I will not!
Oh, this is terrible.
We've been invaded by a little green monster.
Worse than that, we've got two First Mate Piggys.
Listen, you either get off this stage or I throw you off.
Yeah? You and whose army?
I don't need an army to throw you off this stage, pig.
-Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? -No, I don't!
Stop it, stop it. Hold it, hold it, hold it!
-Everybody hold it! KERMIT: What?
Oh, now, Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to the show.
Well...
And, Miss Piggy, oh, Miss Piggy,
you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else.
-Well... -Oh, so come on, now.
Let's sing a nice warm lovely together song.
I hate sappy songs like that.
All right, then, why don't you two just kiss and make up?
Well, let's sing the sappy song.
-You don't make it easy, frog. -Shh.
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
♪ Isn't it warm? ♪
♪ Isn't it cozy? ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
By side.
♪ Ports in a storm, comfy and cozy ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
♪ Everything shines ♪
♪ How sweet ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
BOTH: ♪ Parallel lines ♪
♪ Who meet ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
♪ Everyone winks ♪
♪ Nobody's nosy ♪
BOTH: ♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
♪ You bring the drinks ♪
♪ And I'll bring the posy ♪
ALL: ♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
♪ One's impossible ♪
♪ Two is dreary ♪
♪ Three is company, bright and cheery ♪
♪ Side ♪
♪ By side ♪
-Welcome back, Miss Piggy. -Thank you.
Oh, we've missed you so.
-Tell her how much we missed her, Kermit. -Tell me.
Well, what would we do without you, huh?
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
ALL: ♪ What would we do without you? ♪
♪ How would we ever get through? ♪
♪ Who would I complain to for hours? ♪
♪ Who'd bring me the flowers When I had the flu? ♪
ALL: ♪ Who changes subjects on cue? ♪
♪ Who cheers us up when we're blue? ♪
♪ Who is so dear And who is so deep? ♪
BOTH: ♪ And who would keep us occupied When we want to sleep? ♪
ALL: ♪ How would we ever get through? ♪
♪ What would we do without you? ♪
Okay, everybody, one more time just for Miss Piggy, huh?
Here we go.
ALL: ♪ Year after year, older and older ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
♪ Sharing a tear and lending a shoulder ♪
ALL: ♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
♪ One is lonely ♪
♪ And two is boring ♪
ALL: ♪ Think what you can keep ignoring ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
♪ By side by side by side by side ♪
♪ By side ♪
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[CHATTERING]
Okay, well, that's all the time we have, but before we go,
let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star
that we always have time for.
She's beautiful, she's funny, and she remains calm
when everybody around her is going, "Aah!"
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Swit! Yay!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Yeah! Yay!
Thank you.
-Thank you, Kermit. -Aw.
You know, I hope nobody out there believes
that I was really trying to take over for Miss Piggy.
Oh, no, no, no.
Because, you know, when a great actress and a great star has developed a role,
it's impossible for another actress to fill her shoes.
KERMIT: Mm-hm.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Funny, the shoes don't fit.
They don't.
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
[ALL CHATTERING]
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
South Dakota.
South Dakota has nothing to do with this show.
That's what I want: nothing to do with this show.