Hello, I'm Mr. Hiller from the Board of Education?
When hanging someone by the foot,
it is important that their hands not touch the floor.
Otherwise they could get splinters.
You must be one of the Addams children.
Are your parents home?
Do you have health insurance, Mr. Hiller?
Yes.
Why?
No reason.
So, according to my records,
you have another sibling?
Yes.
There were three of us,
but Pugsley ate the little one.
And neither of you have been to school?
No.
My parents would rather we learned something.
Wednesday?
Here, I fixed it for you.
Excellent work.
Pugsley's good with blades.
That isn't real, is it?
Oh no.
Good.
The real one's downstairs in the playroom.
Could I see your parents now?
Please?
Right this way~
Now!
Mother, this is Mr. Hiller.
How do you do, Mr. Hiller?
Why, you perked up my African strangler.
Come here, darling.
Mrs. Addams, I was sent here to...
Mother, I'm going to release some more nerve gas.
Have fun, dear.
You are allergic to poison oak, aren't you?
Mrs. Addams, your children are eight and eleven years old.
They grow so fast.
Why, it seems like just yesterday they were playing in their cages.
Look, they've got to attend school.
Why? I never did.
Maybe I should speak to Mr. Addams.
Certainly.
There you are.
You rang?
Lurch, Mr. Hiller would like to see Mr. Addams.
Couldn't I just stay here?
I'm sure you and I can settle this matter.
Follow me.
Oh, dear Patra!
You must be starving.
White meat or dark?
Mr. Addams, I'm Sam Hiller from the Sherman School.
They're gonna crash!
Not if I don't do something!
Beautiful, beautiful!
That'll teach 'em to ride discount!
Mr. Hiller, don't move!
You're on fire.
We need to talk about sending your kids to school.
Ridiculous.
Why, have children just to send them away?
I'm opposed to the whole nonsense.
But don't you want them to learn?
"Learn", you say.
Thank you, Thing.
Look, this is little Wednesday's.
Cinderella.
I'm glad she can read.
Not that, open it.
See?
She made it herself.
I bet they aren't teaching that at the Sherman School.
No, not the last time I checked.
Look, this isn't my idea.
The Board of Education.
Around here, Mama's the Board of Education.
She knows all the fine arts.
Anatomy, taxidermy, biological weapons.
She's a real sweetheart.
Yaaa...
hoo!
Nice shot!
Watch this.
Right for the nose.
You almost hit him!
Try again.
This time, make a stab for those beady, little eyes!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
What's the matter with your friend?
I don't know.
I guess he didn't want to play darts.
The little girl chopped the doll's head off.
You should've seen that maniac.
Gomez blew up this train!
Even, even the plants were homicidal... !
One of them tried to strangle me!
Uh-huh.
You weren't there.
That, that, that knife was aimed straight for my head!
Straight! Like...
I got away.
Oh, did I tell you about that old witch?
Who was squeezing that, that monk's head in a vice!
Ooh!
Yessum.
You did.
Maybe you should go home and lie down for a while.
Oh, and maybe you and Principal Comstock should
leave those Addams kids right where they are.
I'll give her the message.
Now go home!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... ooohhhh!
I'm going, I'm going!
Thank you, Thing.
Look, darling, I finished it.
Do you think Cousin Emar is going to like his new sweater?
How could he not?
That color really matches his eye.
Did I just hear a peal of thunder?
You did, Tish.
You did.
Oh, the most heavenly sound.
It makes life worth living.
You remember our honeymoon, Gomez?
Who could forget our first night at Death Valley?
The moon was full.
The bats were nesting in our hair.
And that divine care...
Lurch!
Music!
Ahhhhhhhh... !
Mail's in...
What could this be?
Well, isn't that sweet?
The Sherman School insists we enroll the children immediately.
Morticia, you can't send the children to school.
I'd be lost without them.
Gomez.
I've seen little Wednesday looking through the bars at the other children.
I think she wants to play with them.
Well, she didn't get that from my side of the family.
I know.
I wonder how we ended up with such a sociable child.
This probably won't hurt.
Children, can we come in?
Can you wait five minutes?
I wish this could wait.
Children?
I'm afraid we've got some bad news.
Oh, no, it's true.
There is a Santa Claus.
Wednesda.
The time has come for you and Pugsley to go to school.
But we didn't do anything wrong.
Yeah, we've been good.
I don't like it either.
But according to the school board, we have no choice.
We're sorry, darling.
Okay.
Well, back to playtime.
Don't move.
Wednesday... !
Not again.
The poor children.
I don't envy them.
Gomez, look on the dark side.
Maybe their school has a barbed wire fence, or overcrowded classrooms?
That's true.
I just hope the other children aren't a bad influence on them.
So easy to fall into the wrong crowd.
I know.
One day, it's a harmless game of tag in the next...
team sports.
Fortunately, we've always encouraged them to just say no.
Do you think the children are feeling a little better by now?
I doubt it, querida.
The last time I checked,
Wednesday couldn't even turn the handle on the rack.
Little Pugsley was just lying there.
Waaaah!
Then again.
Maybe they are coming around.
Hurry up, children.
The school bus is here.
Thank you, Mother.
Now, remember, if anything goes wrong, call.
We'll be waiting right here by the phone.
All you have to do...
Children, you're going to be just fine.
Denial assumes the guilty conscience.
Goodbye, children.
Have a nice day.
Bye, Mother. Father.
I'm going to miss the sound of their little feet sneaking up behind me.
And their soft laughter as Lurch steps into one of their bear traps.
I miss them already.
I know, darling.
You must be brave.
So where are Wednesday and Pugsley?
We were supposed to go over American anarchists this morning.
Mama, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Wednesday and Pugsley have gone to...
school.
School?
But they're only children.
My point, exactly.
Gomez.
Nesides, I'm their teacher.
Aren't I good enough for them anymore?
Of course you are.
But the school board insisted.
Well! Let me at them.
I'll pipe bomb the roof right off their building!
Mama, you can't do that.
Morticia's right.
That's Fester's job.
Gomez, Mama, there will be no revenge seeking.
The children have got to go to school, and that's that.
As usual, you're absolutely right, Morticia.
I won't give Wednesday or Pugsley a second thought!
It's four minutes after three, and they're not home yet.
What are they gonna do? Detain them for night school?
Patience, Gomez. Rome wasn't burned in a night.
Well, they'd be home by now if the bus driver let Pugsley take the wheel.
Maybe he did.
Children, please tell us about your first day of school.
They didn't make you play outside, did they?
Wednesday!
The Scream. It's your favorite.
What's wrong?
Barbarians! What did they do to you? Tell us.
They killed him.
The killer?
The dragon.
What dragon? Who killed a dragon?
Knight in shining armour.
What sort of madman would kill a dragon?
It's in this book.
They made us read it.
Grimm's Fairytales.
What a lovely name, Grimm.
How would you write such trash?
Doesn't anyone care about their children these days?
Apparently not.
Well, we can.
We will not let Wednesday and Pugsley be subjected to this brutality.
Unless, of course, we do it ourselves.
Let's call that a nice Mr. Hiller and invite him over to discuss it.
You know, I really think he loved us.
No, no, no... !
But, sir, they insist on speaking to you!
I did. They're a bunch of kooks! I barely escaped with my life.
You two can go over there.
Closet.
A little souped up battery acid.
To take care of those awful roses in the backyard.
Some roses. They don't even have thorns on them.
Can Pugsley lick the cauldron?
We have to let it cool for a few weeks.
Let's go out in the garden and see if the weeds we planted need watering!
Wednesday, what are you doing?
Principal Comstock and Miss Morrison are coming over this afternoon
to talk to Mother and Father.
So?
So, it's their fault we had to read those horrible stories.
They have to be taught not to frighten little children.
Thanks anyway, Lurch, but I'll get the punch bowl.
Mission accomplished.
But what if Mother and Father drink that?
Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to them.
By the way, I put some arsenic in your sandwich by mistake.
Please help yourself to some punch and cookies.
The children made them from an old family recipe.
The bats are my favorite, although the lizards are good, too.
You can feel them wiggling, practically all the way down.
Maybe later.
Although they do sound appetizing.
You remember our daughter, Wednesday.
Oh.
Hello, little Wednesday.
Hello.
Is that poor hog alive?
Of course.
Father rescued him from the jaws of a mad hyena.
What can I say? I have a soft spot for animals.
What? No vultures?
It's lunch time. They're on the highway looking for roadkill.
Do stay.
They might bring home some leftovers.
You two!
I just love your sense of humour.
Enough with the pleasantries.
Just tell 'em that I'm in charge of teaching the children, from now on.
The reason we asked you here is
we're concerned about what you're teaching in school.
We don't believe violence belongs in the classroom.
Violence?
Not that there isn't a time and place for it.
But when innocent victims, sweet childhood heroes are hurt,
that's when we draw the line.
Thank you.
Mr. and Mrs. Addams, I assure you we would never promote such a thing.
Oh, no.
What about Hansel & Gretel?
Pushing sweet old ladies into hot ovens.
And killing poor defenseless dragons.
Is this the sort of thing you want to feed little children?
Oh, get them, Gomez!
Yeah. Let 'em have it!
I'm beginning to see your point.
Maybe the stories are a little violent.
From slaying dragons to slaying people.
From swords to guns.
To AK-47s.
missiles.
To stealth bombers!
To releasing anthrax into a heavily populated area
and watching millions die a slow and painful death...
I like her.
They should have that one teaching the kids.
So, you'll talk to the school board?
Oh, absolutely.
And thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Addams, for bringing this to our attention.
It is good to have parents so involved.
Oh, my!
Oh, you Addams.
People are so nice.
I can't believe Sam said there were a bunch of kooks.
Can't he take a joke?
You really think he believed they were trying to kill him?
Who knows?
He's obviously a terrible judge of character.
Why, those Addamses wouldn't hurt a fly~
Thank you, darling, for making Pugsley's lunch.
I just hope he likes it.
We're all out of timber wolf.
Listen to this.
"Mount Jordan smothers entire town in volcanic ash."
Tish.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
honeymoon?
We're ready for school.
Children, you frightened us.
Yes. Is it Halloween already?
No. We're dressed up for the school of play.
I'm the stately oak tree.
And I'm the happy sunflower.
That does it.
Why are you fighting?
Children, if you needed help with your costume, why didn't you just say so, now?
I ask you, what sort of tree has leaves?
And look at these horrible petals.
They're so bright and colourful.
That should do it.
There.
Thanks, Father.
Come on, Wednesday.
I want to show you what I have for Show & Tell.
I guess you can only do so much for them.
And hope they grow into productive members of society.
Hold the pin, Wednesday.
Yipoo!
I'd say we're off to a good start.
Cara mia.