Hello, Pugsley.
Have a bad day at school, son?
No.
The clay drives me wild.
Cara mia... !
Mon cher.
Kitty, dinner's almost ready.
Eel spleen, emu sinew.
Now, where did I put the tofu?
Pugsly, what's wrong with you?
That's thick juicy steak you're eating.
If you're hungry, why don't you try some of these hyena hearts?
No thanks.
What's with him?
I don't know.
It's not like Pugsley to pass up a new dessert.
Mmm.
Tastes like chicken.
You're late.
Wednesday?
Ever felt like you're walking on air?
Like the universe has meaning.
Like you have a purpose in life.
No.
You could at least look like you're in excruciating pain.
I'm sorry.
Here, I'll diagnose you.
"Dopey smile, walking on air, unmitigated happiness."
Dear brother, you have the worst of all possible illnesses.
An incurable condition, that turns your knees to jelly and your heart to mush.
A fate worse than eternal life.
Pugsley.
You're in love.
I know.
Now!
11,811...
11,812...
11,813...
I must say, your weeds are really outstanding this year.
I know.
Look how they've choked nearly every living thing.
I'm so excited.
I just ordered these hard-to-find items over the Internet.
Carl's Tools for Ghouls.
"His and Her Guillotines."
"King-sized coffins!"
Fester, what a wonderful gift idea!
11,527...
11,528...
Children, back from Bloodbath 3 so soon?
Yes, we left before the happy ending.
Soo, Pugsley, my son.
What's all this I hear about you being in love?
I had to tell them.
They refused to drag it out of me.
Who's your flame?
What's her name?
It's a secret.
Not even a teenager and already hiding things from your parents.
I'm proud of you.
Remember, Pugsley.
Nothing says "I love you" like a stink bomb!
Actually, Pugsley.
What little girls really like, are boys with blue faces.
Really?
Come on.
Let's go play "Hyperventilation".
Ahhhhhhhhhhh... !
Our children.
Always helping each other out.
Thank you, Thing.
You're right.
This brush is better for bringing out the pallor.
Mother?
I have to ask you something.
No, dear, you can't have any lead paint chips.
It'll spoil your appetite for dinner.
Not that.
Mother, how did Father get you to like him?
Let me think.
Oh, yes.
He entered my field of vision.
That's it?
But he continues to touch my heart by writing me beautiful love letters.
Among other things.
Really? Can I see some of 'em?
Well, I don't suppose your Father would mind.
Thank you, Thing.
"Your trembling lips, your quivering..."
I don't think so.
"Oh, ecstasy. Oh, lust."
Oh, nevermind...
How about this one?
"My darling."
"This last half hour without you has been an eternity."
"I can hardly wait to take you in my arms."
"Hold your body intertwined."
"Expose your neck."
"Kiss your cheeks."
Cara mia...
Mon cher...
"Kiss your cheeks and run my fingers through your hair."
"For you are my bliss, my love, my life."
"Yours eternally, Your humble servant."
Are you sure Pugsley Addams wrote this?
A student saw him leave it on my desk.
Besides, it's his handwriting.
See how he makes little pitchforks out of the K's.
I say it's time we pay a little visit to Mr. and Mrs. Addams.
Haiya!
Badminton!
The perfect game for unwinding at home!
Principal Mason.
Haiii... ya!
Hello, Principal Mason.
What can I do for you?
Oh, no.
Pugsley's in trouble?
What did Pugsley do this time?
Dynamite the seesaw?
No, this time it's serious.
Principal Mason and Miss Haskell are coming right over.
Will the police be joining us?
I don't think so.
Too bad.
Last time they brought their handcuffs.
I feel better than to order over the internet.
Fester, what's wrong?
Look at this junk.
This is pathetic.
Even children wouldn't play with these.
They look perfectly harmful to me.
Oh, yeah?
Feel.
What is that? Foam?
And look at this sickle.
It's made of rubber!
It couldn't even get a paper cut off of this.
What is this world coming to?
I just hope that new coffin I ordered turns out better.
The delivery men are setting it up outside now.
Hot date tonight?
Darlene.
I met her outside the convenience store.
She's not really my type.
But I really like her getaway car!
Fester, that is so shallow.
Thank you.
Morticia, I'd like you to come outside and see my new coffin.
We may need a woman's opinion.
Of course.
I'll be back, darling.
Badminton, anyone?
Prepare to meet your doom.
Promises, promises.
You think you can take me, do you?
You bet I do!
Ready?
Go ahead.
Hit me with your best shot.
Please! Come in.
You must be Mr. Addams.
I'm Pugsley's teacher, Katie Haskell.
Of course.
We met when I picked Wednesday up from detention.
You must really like her.
You keep asking her back.
Ha ha!
I win!
Ha ha!
Yahoo!
Game, set, match.
Mrs. Addams, I take it?
No, that's Mama!
Mrs. Addams is in the cemetery with the new coffin.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Oh, don't be.
It's supposed to be one of the roomier models.
Mama, we'll pick this up later.
Principal Mason will be along shortly.
Apparently a fight broke out on the playground.
Ahhh, Wednesday and Pugsley will be sorry they missed it. Please sit down.
Please sit down.
Thank you.
Speaking of Pugsley.
The reason I'm here is because your son broke me this love letter.
Wonder who forgot to set that arrow on fire?
What?
Mr. Addams, that arrow nearly hit me.
Better luck next time.
I've got to make Pugsley come to his senses.
Pugsley, how could you?
It's easy. You mix in nitroglyercin and...
Not that.
I mean, how could you have a crush on Ms. Haskell?
She's all wrong for you.
No, she's not.
She's the most unpopular teacher in school.
And besides, how'd you find out?
She's downstairs complaining to Father about the letter you wrote her.
Uncle Fester was right.
I should have sent her a stink bomb.
Trust me, she's not the type who would appreciate it.
You don't know that.
Oh no? She practically fainted at the sight of a toy arrow.
Why, if she saw a fake hatchet,
she'd go running out of the house.
Would not.
Wanna bet?
Mr. Addams, maybe I should read you Pugsley's letter.
Although I have to admit, some parts are rather embarrassing.
Great. Read those first.
"The first time I saw you, my heart flamed with a fierce passion as I drank in your radiant beauty."
"Your captivating allure drew me like honey to a suckle."
"Honey to a suckle."
You're right, that is embarrassing.
You wrote this?
I certainly did.
I thought Pugsley wrote this.
Pugsley?
I admit, my son is talented.
But only a man in the throes of true passion could pen such thoughts.
Mr. Addams.
I had no idea you felt this way.
What can I say? It was love at first sight.
Mr. Addams.
I'm not used to such an attractive man, or... any man, falling for me.
All I can say is...
Seize the moment.
Miss Haskell.
Katie.
Please, I'm a married...
Explore the tenderness of my lips.
I'll be right back.
Gomez, how could you?
Querida, please... !
You know I would never even look at another woman.
Maybe not look.
But kiss.
Caress.
Tish!
Listen to me.
One minute, I was reciting a love letter.
And the next, she pounced on me.
Believe me.
You're the only woman I love.
The only woman I could ever love.
Oh, Gomez.
How could I have doubted you?
Shame on you, Morticia!
For even thinking Gomez would cheat on you.
Mama, you've been eavesdropping.
Nicely done.
So, what are we waiting for?
Let's throw the brazen hussy out of the house.
Great.
I'll get the catapult.
I think we should let Miss Haskell down easily.
So, we string her out a window?
No, too harsh.
She may not take rejection well and we don't want to hurt her feelings.
You know, any woman who goes after a married man,
wants something she can't have.
I bet if Gomez were to chase after her,
she'd run like a scared rabbit.
Mama, that's a splendid idea.
But what if Pugsley sees Gomez with Miss Haskell?
Oh, don't worry.
Miss Haskell will be running out of here so fast.
Pugsley won't even know what's happening.
But I couldn't even pretend to be interested in another woman.
Gomez, you'd be doing it for me.
But, Tish!
S'il te plaît?
Now!
Where were we?
Let's see.
We were right here.
Ooh!
Mr. Addams... !
Yes, my darling.
You're breaking my back.
Great. I can visit you in the ER.
Gomez.
How could you?
Like this? What?
Gomez, you're a lech!
Lech, lech, lech!
Who's that?
Just my brother stopping by to say hello.
Is there some place where we could be alone?
Some place, you know, romantic?
Of course.
To the dungeon!
So, I was thinking next summer we could go to Florida and watch the hurricane.
Morticia, I don't know how to tell you this.
But your husband is a double-crossing, two-timing, flandering Don Juan, no good scum!
Nice of you to sugarcoat it.
My husband?
Gomez?
You got another?
He's all over some other woman?
Dear, noble Gomez.
Noble?
It was Mama's idea.
Well, Ma. How could you?
Pugsley's teacher came on to Gomez,
so we were trying to scare her away.
Oh, I get it.
Like putting out fire with gasoline?
Right.
Oh, dear.
Maybe I should check on them.
My darling, I want to kiss your frozen lips.
Caress your clammy skin.
Electroshock your middle toes.
What?
You're kidding, right?
When it comes to amore, I never kid.
Oh!
You know.
Maybe we're being just a bit hasty.
Gomez, how could you?
Your wife!
Just pretend she isn't there!
But I thought Mrs. Addams was dead!
You told me she was in the cemetery, in a coffin!
But she was.
I'm sorry, Tish, but it's too late.
My heart belongs to...
What's her name.
Gomez, why, why, why?
Why not, why not, why not!
Gomez, Mr. Addams, please.
Hush, my darling.
Gomez, I'm leaving this house and taking the children with me.
Go ahead and leave.
Take the children.
The neighbours' children.
Take Mama.
She's your Mama.
Very well.
We'll share custody.
But I get Lurch.
Get away from me, you sicko!
Gomez!
Au revoir~
Tish, that's French!
You're sick.
You're all sick.
Let me in!
Pathetic.
Let's go.
What did I tell you?
If you don't let me in this second...
Miss Haskell!
Excuse me, Miss.
Have you seen Miss Haskell?
Principal Mason?
Katie?
It's me.
Katie!
It's alright.
Calm down now.
Your eyes.
They're so blue.
They are?
Why.
Miss Haskell, I mean Katie.
You're beautiful.
I am?
Yes.
Come on.
Let's get out of this madhouse.
Getting rid of Miss Haskell was easier than we thought.
Thank goodness for trapdoors.
There.
I hope that's everything.
I'd hate for the kids to mistake this for a real one and not hurt themselves.
Pugsley, how were things at school, today?
You're not still pining over Little Miss Homewrecker, are you?
No way.
Besides, she's getting married to Principal Mason.
Ah, the rebound, no doubt.
Darling, we should send them a wedding present to show there are no hard feelings.
Capital idea, Tish.
What about this?
I overheard Miss Haskell say how much she liked it.
A rubber hatchet it is!
Let's play.
You don't fool me.
That's a fake.
How'd you guess?
Ahhhh... !
I'm so glad that Pugsley is finally over that ghastly teacher.
Gomez, it's so nice to hear you speaking of Miss Haskell in such disparaging terms.
Tish.
You weren't...
jealous?
Well, maybe for a moment.
Querida.
You need never be jealous again.
You are the only woman for me in this world,
and beyond.
Mon cher...
Awooo... !