Now, Tish,
remember the secret to tossing a boomerang is all in the wrist.
You try.
Don't be surprised if it takes a while to get the hang of it.
Mmm...
Here it comes!
Querida! Excellente!
Merci.
Tish, that's French.
More, more!
Crêpes Suzette.
C. omme ci, comme ça
Oui, oui, monsieur.
Keep going! Go on, go on. =
Darling, someone's at the door.
That's okay. We're married!
I'll get it.
Mmmn.
Cousin Itt?
Mmn...
Now!
It's the first sentence.
Now!
Go on, Tish.
Say some more!
Moulin Rouge!
Vive le France!
Cousin Itt.
Cousin Itt!
Good to see you, old man!
What a surprise. We didn't know you were coming.
You're absolutely right, Cousin Itt.
No call is necessary.
Besides, that would give us a chance to leave home.
Such a charmer.
No wonder the Countessa's crazy about you.
Aside from your good looks.
She threw you out?
Ah, she found out about Eudora.
And Simone?
And Lucinda, Monica, and Cosima, too!
Now, Itt, it's not nice to cheat on your girlfriend.
I know.
It's hard when you have women throwing themselves at you.
Well, you're welcome to stay as long as it takes to mend your broken heart.
I'll have Lurch put an extra cobweb in the guest room.
So, you have a suitcase?
I guess he's planning on staying through the weekend.
Children, did you dig up anyone nice?
I wish.
We buried the gumball machine Grandmama gave Wednesday for the Ides of March.
A pink gumball machine.
Wednesday.
I'm sure Grandmama meant well.
Poor Mama. She does have a habit of giving total useless presents.
Well, not totally useless.
Let the magic show begin.
Hurray!
Totally empty.
Fester!
You never looked better!
Thanks a lot, Gomez.
Oh my.
Hey!
Uh-oh.
That's better.
Excellent magic show, Cousin Itt!
Cousin Itt.
A little something for the Ides of March.
Mama always gives presents on the Ides of March!
She says it brings her bad luck.
You're welcome.
The beauty supply store says they're indestructible.
Great gift.
Even though Cousin Itt hasn't cut his hair in 20 years.
Prescription glasses.
The perfect gift.
If I ever lose my 20-20 vision and become legally blind.
You're welcome.
A sun reflector for tanning!
Mama...
You shouldn't have.
I suppose you could always use it to get liver spots.
Gee, thanks.
I don't have one of these.
I got it, at the pawn shop.
I love pawn shops!
Everybody is so depressed and desperate.
Wait.
This comb looks familiar.
See?
I?
Why, Cousin Itt!
This is the comb we gave you two Friday the 13ths ago!
Itt...
Cousin Itt?
If you don't come out, we'll have to turn on the humidifier.
You know what that does to your hair.
That's better.
Cousin Itt.
Do you want to tell us why you pawned your comb?
Cousin Itt, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
You're among family.
You're...
broke!
I'm disappointed in you, Cousin Itt.
Squandering your entire fortune at the roulette table.
Gomez is right!
You could have lost it faster playing Craps.
Now that your career as a gambler is over,
what do you think you'll do?
Hey, there!
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Why, none of our family has worked in over 300 years.
Have you no pride?
Let us give you a million dollars just for entertaining us with your magic tricks!
Cousin Itt.
It's noble to not want to accept money, but we won't hear of it.
Morticia's right. As an Addams,
it's our responsibility to look out for one another.
Besides, what job could possibly showcase your special talent?
Such as your exceptional people skills.
I'll have a burger...
Shake...
And an order of fries.
Hold it.
Nevermind.
I told you once, I told you a thousand times!
Wear a hairnet!
Maybe you can find a job that showcases your flair for the English language.
Mr. Itt,
you are the worst receptionist we've ever had.
You're fired.
Perhaps a job that will allow you to make your mark in the world.
Uh, I can't really see where I'm going...
And stay out! You hairy excuse for a stylist.
Cheer up!
It's not everyone who can get fired from three jobs in one day.
Say, are you finding anything new in the classifieds?
A job as a zookeeper?
I don't know. I've always seen you as more of an executive type.
Say no more.
I'll call the Parks Commission and see what he can do.
After all, we did make a sizable donation last year to keep him from draining the swamps.
Commisioner Green?
Gomez Addams.
I believe I have the solution to all your problems.
A real find!
Commissioner Green.
Commissioner Green, welcome.
Mr. Addams.
You remember my lovely wife, Morticia?
Of course.
Who could forget such an...
unusual face.
Why, thank you.
So, Mr. Addams, you've piqued my curiosity.
Tell me about this, um, find of yours.
Why, I'll let him speak for himself.
Commissioner Green, to the den.
Commissioner?
Itt.
Itt, Commissioner.
I'll leave you two alone to discuss business.
Wait, uh...
'Ello.
Thank you. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Addams.
This is the most sensational thing that's ever happened to our zoo.
I knew he was the man for the job.
Oh, is he ever?
I'll be back shortly with a couple of guards...
Attendants!
We don't want to lose him!
Ta-da!
Cousin Itt must have really laid on the charm.
Itt's the man who can do it!
Come. It's time for a celebration.
To the cemetery.
After you, querida.
To the county zoo.
To us.
I mean,
to Cousin Itt.
Wait, darling.
I think we're missing someone.
You're right.
Itt!
Lurch?
Please ask our cousin to join us in a toast to his new job.
Mmmm.
Darling, do you think he'll be happy at the zoo?
Of course. Judging by the Commissioner's reaction,
I'd say Cousin Itt is getting the Star Treatment.
Easy, men.
Don't drop it.
Okay, let's go.
If he gets loose, he'll shred you to pieces.
He's an incredibly vicious animal.
Careful, careful.
Careful.
Hmmm... ?
Awoooo... !
Decay! a phantom of the chaudess!
The wild rhythm~ of a camperine.~
It sets my [G-slur] blood afire!
Darling, you don't have any ***** blood.
I haven't?
Then I must have a fever.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me.
An Ides of March-present from Mama?
Mother,
what did I do wrong?
Oh, darling.
Don't worry, Pugsley.
They always put wigs on children before they sell them.
Don't take it personally, Pugsley.
Your Grandmama's known for giving the worst possible presents.
Remember that year she gave a case of champagne to the Betty Ford Clinic?
Hmm.
Atilla the Hun Day, 1996.
I suppose it's the thought that counts.
Although she should have thought of something else.
Well, you know Mama, if it's something you don't want, she'll buy it for you.
Mama, come back.
Got it.
Boy, talk about an itch that's hard to reach.
Darling, Cousin Itt's on the front page!
Nice office!
I like that metalwork!
Oh, look at all the people waiting to see him!
On his first day, too.
No wonder he didn't say goodbye.
They needed him right away.
I just hope Commissioner Green appreciates him.
Look at all this money.
Oh, money, money.
Hehehe.
You overgrown a hairball.
You're making us a fortune.
A fortune!
I'm rich. I'm rich!
I wouldn't be surprised if Cousin Itt is having the time of his life!
Hello... ?
Here you go.
Oh, there, we...
We'll get you some water, and then we...
Can't say that I blame you.
I don't like fishsticks, either.
You really think so?
Me?
Juliet Roberts?
You mean, this?
Ooh.
Why, Mr. Itt.
I ought to slap your face.
But I won't.
Come on, I think I know a way out of here.
"... to the right, to the left!"
Let's see.
Tarnished arsenic...
Oh, yes.
And a six-pack of hemlock.
My name is Gomez Addams.
You made my father laugh.
Prepare... to die.
Why, it's a note.
Thank you, Lurch.
Today I'll give you a chance.
I will duel with my left hand!
Of course, I am left-handed.
Ha ha!
It's from Mama.
She wants us to meet her in the cemetery tonight.
Excellent.
No one can stay mad in the cemetery for long.
"We interrupt this program for a special bulletin,"
"of the wild beasts and snakes in the county zoo."
News bulletin! A wild beast escaped from the zoo last night.
Lurch, put some Yeti snacks out on the front lawn.
If we're lucky, maybe the beast will stop by for a visit.
Mmm.
Another inch and I would have nicked that spare toe of mine.
Commissioner Green here to see you.
Probably wants to talk about promoting Cousin Itt.
Congratulations, Commissioner.
I hear you had a wild beast escape from your zoo.
You mean he's not here?
Why would he be here?
Oh, there's just something about this place.
Thank you.
... ahhhh!
Perhaps the children have seen him.
I think they're in the playroom.
Shall we?
All you have to do is flip these switches one by one.
Watch.
Go on.
There he is.
Cousin Itt!
What are you doing home?
Is that perfume I smell?
And lipstick on your hair?
You sly old dog, you.
Commissioner, is that true?
You locked him in his office and refused to let him out?
B-but..
I, I...
You fed him frozen foods?
B-b-b-but, he, he's, he's, he's a...
Commissioner Green,
Cousin Itt is resigning as of now.
You can find someone else to run your zoo.
run my zoo?
Tell you what.
I'll pay you a salary.
I'll give you 500, no, 750 a week!
Executive salaries are going for the roof these days.
That would be unreasonable.
a thousand!
thirteen hundred and a parking space.
Two thousand, a covered parking space and a corner ca...
uh, office!
I'm sorry, Mr. Green, but our cousin cannot be bought.
A hairdresser, a masseuse, and a Gameboy?
Now you're getting a little greedy.
Done!
I must say, I envy Cousin Itt's negotiating skills.
So, uh...
I'll expect him bright and early, tomorrow morning~
The Countessa took you back?
Cousin It, that's wonderful.
I see.
Sharing you is better than not having you at all.
There's no arguing with reason.
What?
Commisioner,
you might want to get your hearing checked.
What our cousin said was,
thank you for your kind offer,
but he's returning to his position as a kept man.
But but but but, wait, you can't!
Au revoir!
Tish.
That's French.
Mr. Itt, come back!
We do need you...
Don't worry.
Pugsley can replace Cousin Itt as your star attraction.
Ready, Uncle Fester?
Let 'er rip!
Woo... ha ha ah ha!
Woo ha ha ha!
Oho! ha. Ha.
Look at him! Again! One more time!
Oh!
Mama, please, buying us a present when we've been so ungrateful.
Oh, hush now. You've all apologized enough.
Besides, you were right.
I never did give any thought to my gifts.
Now, this is something for the cemetery,
I think the whole family will enjoy.
Come and see, everybody!
Thank you, Mama, but having you around is
better than any gift you could possibly give.
It's from the '70s,
so the reception is completely staticky.
Mama, it's... perfect.
A real beauty.
Now,
let's see if we can find a love story,
where everybody dies.
"I love you, darling."
"And I love you."
"But I have to kill you."
"Okay."
Fantastic!
I never knew TV could be so entertaining!
This is the best present ever.
Awoooooo... !