"Beware of Kitty"?
What the...
Kitty? Here, kitty.
Kitty?
Hello?
Mail's here.
What the...
I don't know what it is, but I've got a funny feeling we've forgotten something.
You're not going to believe this,
but those killer bees I ordered have escaped!
Fester, that's awful!
How did it happen?
I have no idea.
I take that back.
Thing!
You touched my package, didn't you?
Thing, if we've told you once, we've told you a thousand times,
you've got to be more considerate of other people's property.
No use trying to come up with excuses this time.
You've been a very bad Thing.
Bad Thing!
You have to stop reading other people's mail.
Not to mention using up all the hot water and leaving fingerprints all over everything.
Morticia is right.
You've been very selfish. Se
Selfish, selfish, selfish!
Oh dear,
I don't think that went well.
You don't think I was too hard on him, do you?
No.
We had to be honest.
Besides,
you know Thing doesn't stay mad.
for long.
Now!
Thing!
Oh, Thing!
Tish, sometimes I wish your name was spelled "O-O".
"O-O"?
It's practically impossible to blow smoke rings and spell out "Morticia".
Has anyone seen Thing?
I knocked on his door to see if he wanted me to chop his nails.
But he didn't answer!
I'm afraid Thing is still sulking.
In fact, I don't think he's left his room since we had our little talk.
You're right. He didn't even follow to children to school this morning.
What a grump!
Thing?
Good morning, Fester.
Did you have a bad night's sleep?
No.
I slept like a baby.
Too bad.
That's not the worst of it.
Feel.
Congratulations, old man.
You've been dormant so long, you finally gathered moss.
I wish it was moss.
Gomez?
Morticia?
I think I'm growing hair.
Don't be ridiculous.
Your father didn't start growing his hair till he was well over 50.
He was at least 55.
You're right.
Maybe it's just all that stress of fighting with Thing.
You want me to take a little bit off the top?
Nah.
Cutting it will only make it grow faster.
I mean, what if it never falls out?
My days as America's number one bachelor will be over.
Dancing just isn't the same without Thing guiding along the needle.
Or being underfoot.
Darling, don't you think it's about time we patch things up with Thing?
You're right. It's not good to stay confined to your room.
Unless, of course, you're Aunt Hatchet and the state orders it.
I wouldn't be surprised if the poor Thing were moping in bed.
Blanket's pulled up over his fingers.
Thing?
Thing, are you hiding from us?
Thing's parents.
It's amazing how much he looks like his father.
Although he does have his mother's thumb.
Tish, maybe there's something we don't know about.
Darling, that was his Halloween costume two years ago.
Remember, he went as Michael Jackson's hand.
Look! Thing has messages.
Maybe they could tell us where Thing is.
Of course, it would be a violation of privacy to listen to them.
Hmm...
oops.
You have one message, Sunday 2pm.
Why, that was yesterday.
It's from... Jessica.
Apparently he didn't show up for the date.
That's odd.
You know how much he likes to hold her hand?
Look, darling.
Thing's bed wasn't slept in last night.
Lurch's mint is still on the pillow.
Not that Lurch should be giving Thing mints.
The chocolate melts in his hand.
Darling, you don't suppose Thing is...
missing?
So, what do you think?
Mama, that was taken when Thing was a baby.
He looks completely different now.
Check this out.
This was taken when Thing's parents took him to Chernobyl on vacation.
See?
His palm is pierced.
Thing was a typical teenager.
I can't believe Thing is gone.
It seems like only yesterday,
he was running his fingers through my spiderweb... !
Mama,
that was yesterday.
But I know what you mean.
We all miss Thing.
Poor Thing.
Out there somewhere in the cold,
cruel world living hand to hand.
Why, that piece was priceless.
Whoever did it had excellent aim.
There's a note attached.
It must be from Wanda.
The woman I met at the monster truck rally?
She hates to use the telephone.
Wait a minute.
That means she's outside somewhere.
Fester, what are you doing?
I can't let her see me like this,
with my hair growing in.
She'll never want to date me again.
But this isn't from Wanda.
It's a ransom note.
I don't believe it.
Thing's been...
Thingnapped.
It says,
have a disinterested party drop over the ransom,
or we'll never see Thing in one piece again.
Oh!
Boyd and Howe, private detectives.
Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for Howyn Boyd.
Wrong number.
I don't know, Kirsty. Maybe we should go back to being store detectives.
I can't go back to Brimell's department store. It's too depressing.
Our first case.
Boyd and Howe, private eyes.
Jimmy Boyd speaking, what happens to be the problem?
Our Thing is missing.
I see. A missing... thing.
Can you tell us what he looks like?
How tall is he? Does he have any identifying marks?
Let's see. He's five inches high,
twelve when he stands on his wrist.
He's got a clear complexion
and a hangnail on his right pinky.
But we don't need you to find Thing.
We only need you to drop off the ransom.
We'll pay you five hundred dollars an hour.
Five hundred dollars an hour.
We'll, uh, check our schedule and we'll get right back to ya.
So, it's all set.
The detectives are on their way over right now.
Oh, I just wish I could get my hands on those Thing-nappers!
I'd give them a left.
I'd give them a right.
Gomez,
get a hold of yourself.
You're absolutely right, Tish.
It's all my fault.
I never should have yelled at Thing the way I did.
Fester,
you can't blame yourself.
We were all angry with him.
I'm not going to blow my top anymore.
From now on,
I'm gonna be calm, cool, and collected.
Jimmy!
Quit clowning around
and get down from there.
This is our first case
and we need to make a good impression.
I'm trying.
I can't...
Get out of there.
Come on.
They are waiting for us.
Oh, look at you. You are all dirty.
But something just grabbed me.
One minute I was walking...
Jimmy, get a hold of yourself.
We are private detectives now.
Danger is our middle name.
We can handle anything.
Right. Right. We're, good PIs!
We can handle anything.
Right.
Boyd and Howe are here to see you.
Gomez, the detectives are waiting for us.
It's important we keep our composure.
You're absolutely right, querida. The family's in a crisis.
That burns, that burns... !
Hey, what gives?
More hot wax.
Okay, but first.
Again.
Not a single hair.
Well, at least it was painful trying.
Thank you for coming.
Nice place.
Now...
The name of the kidnapped victim is... Thing.
Is that his first name or his last name?
Last name.
And what is his first name?
Thing.
"Thing Thing"?
What kind of a name is that?
It fits him perfectly.
That's right.
He signs his name "Thing T. Thing".
I see. And the T would stand for... ?
Thing.
Thing!
Look.
Maybe you need someone else to handle this for you. Say, uh...
a psychiatrist?
Gomez, they're perfect.
The ransom note did say the Thing-nappers wanted it as a disinterested party.
They seem very disinterested.
Congratulations. You've got the job.
We do?
Wonderful.
Finally.
We got a job!
We can pay our bills.
Where did he go?
To the den, of course.
Come. Let's join him.
"Drop off the ransom in a trash can on the corner of Park and Place at midnight."
"Or you'll never see Thing in one piece again."
Oh, Park and Place.
I'd sure hate to be caught there after dark.
Why?
I hear it's supposed to be very dangerous.
Only if you have a lot of cash or valuables.
That reminds me, the ransom!
To the safe.
You guys got a safe?
The best.
And you'll never guess where it's hidden.
See this painting?
Spanish doubloons?
No.
Deed to Rhode Island?
No.
Bomb?
No.
That's odd.
This was supposed to go off yesterday.
Leave it to Fester to scrimp on a timer.
Ahh!
This is what the Thing-nappers are after.
Diamonds.
Diamonds?
Could I see them?
And then there's the matter of your fee.
Oh, Mr. Addams.
There's over a thousand dollars here. We couldn't accept...
We'll take it.
That must be the drop-off point.
Do you see Mr. Thing anywhere?
Uh-uh.
Me neither.
Let's go.
Kirsty!
Look!
Radiation therapy, my foot.
It's supposed to make your hair fall out.
Look at me. I'm worse.
Fester, you poor dear.
I just wish Thing was here to make fun of me.
Don't we all?
Well, the detectives should be back with Thing any minute now.
So, have you got Thing?
Mr. Addams.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Addams.
We've got some, uh...
very bad news.
Very, very, very bad news.
Well, tell us.
What is it?
Thing is...
Yes?
We saw him with our own eyes.
All that's left of Thing is a...
Go on.
Thing is no longer the...
thing he was.
In fact, there's hardly anything left of him at all.
You mean Thing is... ?
Yes.
I'm afraid so.
He's...
left his body.
He's dead!
Dead as a doornail!
Kaput! Finished! Finito!
Billy, you've dug the train up the snow... !
they get the idea!
Oh, Gomez.
Uh...
Excuse me, Mr. Addams, sir.
Your... Your $1,000 back.
Please, please, keep it.
Thank you.
Would anyone like to say a few words?
I would.
Gomez! Fester.
Quit it!
Baby.
What can you say about Thing?
That he loved Bach.
The Beatles.
Magic fingers.
That he loved to have his palm read, and play the...
touchtone.
There, there, Morticia.
Hey!
I was here first!
Was not!
Was, too!
Thing?
You were more or less than just a hand around the house?
You were a loyal companion.
A great listener.
And a surprisingly good card player.
Talk about a poker face.
I'll never forget the first time I met him.
He was wearing a joybuzzer.
Joybuzzer!
Oh, Thing.
How could I have called you selfish when you're always so supportive of everyone?
Always there with a slap on the back.
A thumbs up.
A wrist to cry on.
I'll never forget the way he used to help little Pugsley with his finger painting.
It's all my fault... !
I shouldn't have yelled at him.
I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid!
Thing, you're back!
Fester, your hair is falling out.
Now th at Thing is back safe and sound,
I'm going bald again.
Never run away again, Thing!
You were out gathering the morning mail.
And they Thingnapped you from the front yard.
And you don't wear the color green because it makes you look fat.
I think I misunderstood him.
They threw you in their car and locked you in the glove compartment.
Then you found a bloody ice pick,
and opened the compartment door.
And made a break for it over the hood of a...
Maserati.
Wiping off a fender as it went around a turn going a hundred thousand miles per hour?
Thing, you said you were kidnapped on a Sunday.
The Thingnappers were working on the weekends?
They must be understaffed.
But Thing, we don't get mail on Sundays.
Now Thing,
come back here and tell the truth.
I see.
After we scolded you, you decided to stage
your own kidnapping to see if we still care.
Aha!
I thought the handwriting on that ransom note looked familiar.
Ha ha! The diamonds!
Thing, just because we might be angry with you doesn't mean we love you any less.
After all, you're one of the family.
Apology accepted.
Toast.
Welcome back, Thing.
Thing, will you ever forgive us for forgetting your birthday?
That's our Thing.
Not a mean bone in his hand!
The nicest Thing that ever lived.
Wednesday?
Pugsley?
Creepy birthday, Thing!
Now make a wish and blow out the candles.
Yeah, hurry up!
Make a wish.
Hey!
Thing, turn it off!
Thing, ever the prankster.
Let's have cake!
Yay!
May we all come down with food poisoning together.
Awoooooo... !