Personally, I prefer a sport with a little more action.
"Hello?"
Ted Turner, please.
"Who's calling?"
Gomez Addams.
"Hey, Turner here."
Ted!
Listen, I think I'm going to pass on those Atlanta Braves of yours.
"Oh, that's too bad."
Yes, right.
Well, give our love to Jane!
"I will. Goodbye!"
No wonder he's so anxious to unload that team!
This sport doesn't have any future.
Now!
It's the first sentence.
Now!
Checkmate.
By jove, you're right!
Wait!
Do you mind if I take the last 19 moves over?
Of course not, darling.
No offense, but you guys take forever to play a simple game of chess.
Another blowout on the information super highway, old man?
That computer gives me nothing but trouble.
First the national security breach and now this.
Oh, dear.
If we're going to be stormed by the National Guard again,
I really should move the urns.
Last time I was sweeping up Cousin Phlegm for weeks.
No, it's not that.
Well, you know the TNT chat room, right?
Who doesn't?
Well, there's this woman I've been exchanging recipes with.
Yvette.
Yvette?
Fester, that's French!
Oh.
Right.
Sorry.
Anyway.
She's coming to town.
She wants to meet me.
She must be a woman of impeccable taste.
And a twisted sense of humour.
She's with the Laker girls.
She's probably all thin and trim and well...
I'm a tad out of shape.
Nonsense.
You're a lovely shape.
Perfectly round!
Well, not for long.
I'm going to be on a strict diet from this day on.
Starting tomorrow.
What's this?
Uncle Ripper's old magicians kit.
I found it in the attic.
Here,
I'll let you be my assistant.
What do I have to do?
Just stand against the wall
and put the apple on your head.
Pugsley,
if you're going to be my assistant,
you have to learn to stand still.
This Loch Ness lasagna looks delicious!
Come now, children.
Play with your food.
Would someone pass,
the purée of aardvark?
Certainly, Mama.
Roast yak, yummy.
Can someone pass me the eye of Newt?
Thank you.
Fester, you haven't eaten anything all day.
Are you sure you wouldn't like something else?
Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm going to lose weight for Yvette's visit,
or die trying.
Looks like he found a way to do both.
Oh, look, dear. He's finally coming around.
Where am I?
Who am I?
Does anybody have any cookies?
Excellent! He's back to his old self.
Now, Fester, I really think you need to eat.
You're right.
Diets just aren't healthy.
I need some more nutrition.
I think I've got something right... here.
Jurassic Chip,
my favourite.
Face it, Fester. You don't have the self-control to go on a crash diet.
I know.
I'm a weak man.
A round, weak man.
I've got it.
You're gonna get me some chocolate sauce?
No.
I'm going to turn you into a lean, mean muscle machine.
Great.
Can we do it after dessert?
I'm feeling a little peckish.
Now, there are certain scientific principles that apply to boxing.
I'm no good at science!
I flunked biology for eating my frog.
Look, Fester, you won't have to starve yourself if you work out every day.
I dunno.
Trust me, this is guaranteed to make you irresistible to women.
Are you sure?
Have you seen the way Morticia looks at me?
Now, hit it straight on.
Follow through.
And always keep your eye on your opponent.
Excellent form, old boy!
Don't forget to keep your head tucked!
Fester!
Are you okay?
No problem.
Wednesday's saw broke my fall.
Morticia, Gomez, this is killing me.
How was that?
Great.
You did that last mile in only 45 minutes.
Fester, today we're going to a hundred.
A hundred?
Don't worry. We'll keep a good eye on you to be sure you over-exert yourself.
Ready?
And...
Un...
Deux...
Tish!
That's French!
You know what that does to me.
Please, say some more.
I think it's so sweet that Fester's going to
all this trouble to impress his lady love.
Ah, courtship.
Remember when I used to fill your room with thorns?
Serenade you with dirges.
Shower you with diamonds, and snakes, and cages of tarantulas...
Darling, that was the only last night.
Right.
Let's relive those magical moments.
Fester?
Fester.
Maybe Fester needs to seek professional help.
An undertaker?
No.
A personal trainer.
Hm?
Pioneer?
You may look tough,
but I bet under that eight foot frame's a wall of fat.
Not bad.
Not for me.
You must be the personal trainer.
So you must be the client.
You better be up for some hard work.
After all, that pot belly wasn't built in a day.
But, I think I can take...
I mean...
I think I can trim you down.
But I'm not the client.
Tish, do you think I'm getting a pot belly?
Of course not, darling.
You have the physique of a gymnast.
I am cut, aren't I?
Well, if you're not my client,
and you're not my client,
then who?
Are you my trainer?
This... is gonna be a challenge.
I live for challenges.
Well,
where do we start?
Hip hop?
Spinning class?
Cardio funk?
Actually, with you, I think we're gonna go a slightly different way.
Al... right!
Fall in!
What's the matter with "at ease"?
Talk! out of formation again, and it's off to the brig!
Toro, toro~!
Tish!
That sets my Spanish blood afire~!
Mon amor...
French!
That sets the rest of my blood afire!
Mother?
Wednesday?
I want to see how secure this trunk is for my magic show.
Do we have a water tank I can drop it into?
No?
But you might try the river.
Good idea.
Wednesday, can I come out now?
I'm glad our children enjoy playing together so much.
And more importantly,
so do we~
I wonder how Fester's doing with his personal trainer?
Nine!
No bacon!
No pork chop!
And absolutely no ham!
I wouldn't worry about him, Tish.
I'm sure he's doing just fine.
After all, he is an Addams.
Mirror, mirror in front of my face.
Who's the biggest loser around this whole place?
Look at that.
Even my grooming aids don't respect me.
Who am I kidding?
Yvette's never gonna be interested in me.
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life alone.
A big, pathetic molten blob.
Have you seen the moon tonight, Tish?
No.
It's too cloudy and gloomy to see anything at all.
Exactly.
Care to take a walk with me to an open grave?
But of course, mon cher...
Gomez.
Did you hear something?
Seems to be coming from outside.
Do you think that's part of Fester's training?
He'll be through the door in a minute.
We can ask him.
Fester.
Why on earth were you
ramming your head against the door?
I was trying to get my mind off my problems.
By knocking yourself unconscious?
It's worked before.
What seems to be troubling you?
Yvette's coming tomorrow,
and I've got no time left to get into shape.
She's never gonna want me now.
I'm a failure.
A round, weak failure.
And?
You don't understand.
I really want Yvette to like me.
And how can she when I don't even like myself right now?
I see.
Fester,
I think it's time you forgot about the outer you,
and started focusing on the inner you.
Mama's right.
What really attracts women is an unerring self-confidence.
Just ask Gomez.
Really?
Self-confidence?
And I thought you fell for me because of how I looked in a speedo.
There you are, Fester.
These books are guaranteed to put you on the road to greater self-esteem.
"The Joy of Narcissism", "Unlocking Your Inner Egomanic".
And "Me, Me, Me".
Thanks Morticia.
I just hope you find them helpful.
Well, if nothing else,
I can always stand on them and look taller.
Fester,
try this on for size.
I don't know, Gomez.
I'm not so sure this look is really me.
That's the point, Fester.
It's not about the look.
It's about the essence of a man!
Easy for you to say.
At least your "essence" has a waistline!
Now, Fester.
Granted, Gomez is the best-looking man I've ever met.
But our relationship is based on so much more.
Cara mia, you still think I'm the best-looking man you ever met?
Oui, mon cher...
Tish.
That's French!
Sorry, old man.
Save my place.
I believe you were telling me how your relationship
is built on more than just physical attraction?
Oh, right.
I was also taken with Gomez's suaveness and sophistication.
I'll try anything once.
That's where I put my exploding cigar.
Hurry up, Mama.
Yvette will be here any minute.
Relax.
You don't want to look life-like, do you?
I got the shine off your boots like you asked me to, Uncle Fester.
Thanks, Pugsley.
Pugsley,
there you are.
I need you to help me with another magic trick.
Uh-uh, uh-uh!
Don't be such a scaredy cat.
All you have to do is jump through the hoop.
Really?
That's it?
Would I lie to you?
Now take a running start and jump.
How do I look?
Like death warmed over.
Thanks, Morticia.
You really know how to make a guy feel good.
Now remember,
suave.
And self-assured.
Miss Yvette?
Yvette?
Fester?
What an interesting couple.
They're almost an interesting quartet.
I thought you said you were with the Laker girls.
I am.
I drive their bus.
I thought you said you were a little bit on the chubby side.
Well, I've been dieting and exercising a bit.
Well, I could see that.
You're nothing but skin and bones!
I like my men with a little bit of... meat on them,
something to sink my teeth into.
I think she means that metaphorically.
I wouldn't be so sure.
Look, Fester,
I'm sorry,
but you and me,
it just ain't gonna fly, babe.
You understand, right?
See you in the chatroom?
I don't believe it.
After all the trouble I go through to develop my inner man,
and she blows me off just because I'm in tip-top physical shape.
That is a little shallow.
Tish, best not the rub it in.
Dear Fester, I'm sorry things didn't work out with Yvette.
Ah, well.
C'est la vie.
Fester... !
That's...
Don't even think about it!
And now, for my final trick,
I will make my debonair assistant disappear.
Help!
Abracadabra.
Yada, yada, yada.
Bravo!
That was excellent, darling.
Thank you all for coming.
I'll be here all week,
and drive home carelessly.
Wednesday, darling.
Aren't you supposed to bring Pugsley back?
What for?
I was only trying to save us money on food.
Wednesday.
Always thinking of others!
It's so nice to have such a well-adjusted family.
Wednesday?
Awoooo... !