Happy 13th anniversary.
Well, thank you, mama.
It's lovely.
Actually, it's more of a gift for Gomez.
Really?
I don't think it's my size.
Darling.
Ohhh.
Thank you, Mama.
Look at those two lovebirds.
They're as crazy about each other now as they were the day they met.
Mother, Father,
how did you meet?
Please, Wednesday.
There are some things that a delicate child such as yourself,
are better off not knowing.
Fester's right.
Some things can scar a person for life.
But we've already been exposed to musty TV, Barney, and the Spice Girls.
Yeah, what could be worse than that?
The children do have a point.
Shall we?
Well,
for starters,
I wasn't supposed to marry your mother.
I was supposed to marry her sister,
Ophelia.
Aunt Ophelia?
I'll never forget the first day we met.
The sun was shining.
The birds were singing.
I knew we were in for trouble.
Gomez?
Here,
try this for your cold.
It'll eat right through your sinuses!
Thanks, Mama.
I don't know what's come over me.
I never get sick.
Oh, it's probably just nerves.
After all, it isn't every day a young man meets his bride to be for the first time.
I've got an idea.
Instead of this arranged marriage with Ophelia,
why don't I go out on my own,
find someone, and full madly in love?
What's the fun in that?
Besides,
arranged marriages are an Addams family tradition.
We've been doing it for centuries,
and there hasn't been a divorce yet.
Just a few untimely deaths.
Gomez,
trust me,
I always know what's best for my boys.
Strychnine... !
Now!
Special delivery.
Let's hope it's a wedding gift.
We could use some new vats.
Hmm, fragile.
Son!
Mama!
Fester, back for my wedding!
Gomez,
you almost cut my arm off back there.
Better luck next time.
I see you got a new crate.
Isn't it a beauty? It's
It's made from the cheapest pine available,
so it splinters easily.
See?
Oooh!
That must have hurt.
So!
How are things at MIT?
Mama, MIT was three universities ago.
Remember?
They expelled me for blowing up the chemistry department.
Oh, that.
Some places will kick you out for anything.
Fester, let's go outside and celebrate your return while the night is still there.
Good idea.
Nice aim.
Nice shot.
Next time you should try hitting the ball.
Sorry.
I guess all this talk about marriage is affecting my game.
Well, if you're having second thoughts,
maybe you should talk to Mama.
I tried.
But she and Mrs. Frump have been planning this since they were children playing with matches.
Haha!
You know, Fester,
Ophelia has a sister.
We could make this a double wedding.
Not me.
I'm a bachelor for life.
Besides, I promise the doctors at the asylum I'd never reproduce.
Oh, well.
I guess I'll just have to make the best of it.
Well, maybe Ophelia won't be as bad as I think.
Fore?
Lady fingers.
Oh, Lurch,
I do hope Ophelia likes Gomez.
Oh, I like what the boys have done with the window.
That must be them.
Gomez, come on!
What is it, Mama?
It's time to meet your new bride.
This is so exciting!
We're here!
Eudora!
Griselda!
Where's Ophelia?
Right behind me.
My bags are in the car, and please,
careful muchie with the Gucci... !
Welcome!
I don't think so.
Well!
You must be Gomez~
I'm Fester.
I'm Fester!
Well, aren't you the comedian?
I'm Ophelia.
Nice to meet you.
What was that?
Oh, that's just my sister's cat.
She likes things with claws.
We brought Morticia along to be Maid of Honour.
You remember Morticia?
Of course!
Welcome!
Morticia, Gomez. Gomez, Morticia.
Morticia,
it has such a dreary ring to it.
Why, thank you.
Bet you didn't know I was a judo champ.
No,
but then again, I didn't know I had a slipped disc either.
Oh!
Not only is Ophelia a black belt,
she was student body president,
head of the glee club,
and class caterer.
A real joiner.
What about you, Morticia?
Are you a joiner, too?
When socializing with others,
it's best not to put glass in their iced tea.
Cyanide is more effective.
Good point.
Now, Morticia.
No one wants to hear about your anti-social tendencies.
In fact, Morticia refused even to go to school.
I had to teach her everything she knows.
Math, science, organic poisoning.
She aced her SATs,
and her post-mortems.
Blah, blah, blah.
Come on, Gomer!
It's Gomez.
Gomez...
Perfect!
So,
what do you wanna do now?
Go into a coma?
You are such a kidder.
Now,
guess what?
I have a surprise for you.
You're leaving?
I can't believe we both grew up with such oddball siblings.
Yes, well.
So, where is Morticia?
Oh, who knows? Probably off-feeding her black widows or something.
Now,
close your eyes~
Now, open them!
It's nice.
What is it?
Hello?
Fabric swatches?
What for?
I'm redecorating this house,
from top to bottom.
Why?
This junky old furniture is so depressing.
And the lighting in here makes everyone look so ghoulish.
I know.
It took us years to get it that way.
Anyways,
I figure we can replace these drab curtains with a paisley chintz.
Paint the walls a nice eggshell.
And redo the entire...
Listen,
petal head.
You're not laying one hand on this house.
Excuse me.
But isn't it time for your Freaks R Us meeting?
Now,
I really think we could get a lot more light in here
if we simply knocked out this wall.
More light?
Are you nuts?
The next thing you're gonna wanna do is put in...
wall-to-wall carpeting!
Oh, that reminds me!
The carpet people should be here any minute to give me an estimate.
Now, what do you think?
Pile or shag?
Gomez,
do something,
now!
I would, but every time I try to put my foot down, she...
Excuse me, Ophelia?
I have to go with Fester on this one.
See what I mean?
No... ?
Lurch,
I can't go back to school and
leave Gomez in Ophelia's clutches.
Who knows what she'll do?
She's liable to turn him into a fine upstanding citizen.
That... lunatic!
Let's get rid of her!
Yeah, you're right.
Mama'll kill us if we ruin her best hatchet.
I know.
Why don't we scare Ophelia off?
We'll convince her that this place is a death trap!
Then she'll slip on the eight balls,
fall through the trap door,
into a vat of hydrochloric acid.
Ready?
Ophelia!
Oh, Ophelia~?
Ophelia!
If you're looking for Ophelia...
whoa!
That was close.
She's in the...
Ahhhhhhhh... !
Gomez!
Gomez?
Are you alright?
Hey, Gomez!
Nothing like a little hydrochloric acid to soothe your aching muscles, right?
There.
Now, here's how it works.
I tell Ophelia that there's a delivery for her at the front gate.
She comes running out of the house,
trips on the wire,
which triggers the rope,
drops the sack of flour on her head,
and knocks her down the steps!
Hello, Morticia.
Gomez,
you startled me.
I like that.
I see you discovered Cousins Otis-and-Redding.
Handsome, aren't they?
But they fought like cats and dogs.
Really?
Yes,
Otis always wanted to work on his tan.
But Redding,
he hated to go outside unless it was raining.
I'm on Redding's side.
I love the rain.
You do?
What about,
hurricanes, flash floods, and...
lightning storms?
Oh, yes.
The shock of the bolt as it strikes your body.
The tingle of your hair standing on end.
The feel of electricity as it stops your heart.
Gomez~!
Oh, there you are.
Now, let's talk about the honeymoon.
Honeymoon?
Lurch,
what happened to you?
Ophelia.
Hey, Ophelia!
There's a delivery for you from Eames House of Vile.
I mean, style.
I'll get it.
No! Gomez, wait!
About the marriage,
maybe we're,
pushing things a bit.
I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her,
I hate her, I hate her.
Nonsense!
Ophelia and Gomez are perfect for each other!
I hope you don't mind.
I found these growing in your garden
and noticed they were blossoming.
I never knew roses could be so lovely.
Morticia?
Yes, Gomez?
How about a walk?
I love cemeteries.
They're so... gloomy.
Unfortunately, your sister doesn't think so.
She wants to build a pool here.
A pool, whatever for?
I don't know.
Something about swimming.
I love Ophelia dearly,
but she does have some rather strange ideas.
Still, I'm sure she'll make a very good wife.
For someone else, perhaps.
Morticia,
you're not engaged to anyone,
are you?
Me? No.
Well, not yet.
Mama's in the process of arranging my marriage to Vlad Addams,
your cousin, I believe.
Cousin Vlad?
A greater rake has never been born!
Trust me, Morticia, he's all wrong for you!
Well, I guess Mama hasn't met the right man for me yet.
Or maybe she has, and she just doesn't know it... !
Well...
C'est la vie.
That's strange...
All of a sudden, I feel a peculiar urge coming over me.
Perdon?
Morticia, that's French.
Speak some more.
Un, deux, trois...
Gomez!
Mor... ticia!
Ophelia,
it's not what it looks like.
It isn't?
I mean,
it isn't.
You see, Ophelia, Gomez was just kissing my arm, as practice for when he's married.
That's right.
For when we're married.
Married?
Oh, my!
I hope Gomez's heartfelt proposal
puts your doubts about this union to rest.
You can see for yourself
he really loves Ophelia!
Hello, Morticia.
Gomez.
I suppose I should congratulate you now that your wedding's official.
Oh, that.
One train going West,
the other going East.
Destined never to cross paths again.
What if they were to crash, head-on?
And rust together for eternity.
Better still.
What if they were to go up together in a ball of fire?
Here, you take this.
And when the two trains reach that bridge?
WAM!
That strange feeling is coming over me again.
Morticia.
Say something in French.
Just...
one more time.
Pourquoi?
I don't know what I'm doing,
but I can't help it.
I could help it,
but I don't want to.
Morticia,
I've been madly in love with you
ever since the first moment I laid eyes on you.
And I've been in love with you.
Gomez,
I hate to interrupt.
But Griselda and Ophelia and outside in a pink Miata.
What are we going to do?
Tell 'em to put it in the garage before the neighbors see it?
Wait, I've got it!
Oh, Gomez~
I've got to show you the patterns for us to look at.
Oh, no.
She's flipped.
Quick, we've got to get out of here!
What are you two going to do?
You're crazy about each other.
I can't come between Gomez and Ophelia.
It would break her heart.
And I did give Ophelia my word that I'd marry her.
Curse our Addams' family honour!
Tragic. Just tragic.
In love with one woman,
promised to another.
Why, it's worse than Romeo and Juliet!
Fester, that's it!
We'll do what Romeo and Juliet did!
What did they do?
Why, they committed suicide.
Right! Morticia,
Let's put on these cement boots,
and go skydiving.
What a wonderful idea.
Oh, wait.
I have a fear of heights.
I know.
We could throw ourselves to the hyenas.
Good idea.
Except I'm allergic to hyenas.
I know.
Why don't you both
spontaneously combust?
Excellent idea!
I'll get the lighter fluid.
What am I saying?
Life would be no fun without you two around.
You can't kill yourselves.
Fester.
That's so sweet.
Look, Gomez.
What are we going to do?
You didn't really take your own lives, did you?
Here, Pugsley.
Have some more paint chips.
No, son.
We didn't.
But I came perilously close to marrying Ophelia.
And I came perilously close to losing the only man I ever loved.
Tish.
You could never lose me.
Come on, tell us what happened next.
I have the feeling the rest of the story will have to wait until tomorrow.
Come on, Wednesday, Pugsley.
Let's go outside to the cemetery
and see if we can dig up someone new.
Okay.
I'll get the shovel.
Okay.
Happy anniversary, Tish.
Happy anniversary,
mon cher...
Awooooooo... !