Now remember, Pugsley.
The object of Bombardment is to keep throwing balls at each other,
until one of us is an only child.
Ready?
Let's go.
My turn.
Wednesday?
What did we tell you about not playing ball in the house?
Yes, Mother.
That's a good girl.
Cowabunga.
Lurch, whatever possessed you to go on a surfing safari for your vacation?
Girls.
As long as it isn't for the sunshine.
Huh, Lurch.
Ready for your non-stop flight to "Hula Hula" Land?
Hang. Ten.
Lurch.
Just wait till he gets to Hawai'i.
He's sure to make a big splash.
Now!
You look ravishing, Tish.
Absolutely ravishing.
Here, put this on.
Darling, is something wrong?
Everything's fine.
Here, put this on.
Gomez, what's gotten into you?
Nothing.
It's just that your former suitor's coming to visit
and you've never looked more alluring!
Gomez.
You know Damien was never my suitor.
We were just childhood friends.
You're the only man I love.
Nothing could ever come between us.
Except that.
Alright, buddy.
Up against the wall.
Big ball.
Little ball.
There you are.
And I was just on my way to collect the 100,000 I owe your employer.
Kylie wants his money now.
And he don't take kindly.
To deadbeat gamblers.
I haven't extracted, I mean, borrowed it from my dear old friend, yet.
Geez,
what kind of kook would lend you money?
Trust me.
This kook.
Will welcome me.
With open arms~
Morticia.
Damien!
So good to see you, again.
Wow, you haven't changed a bit.
Except that she's married, now.
Oh, this is my charming husband, Gomez.
Gomez, a pleasure to meet you.
Ahh.
Valuable antiques.
Priceless paintings.
Mmm, sterling silver.
I must say, this house has everything.
Including a nearby hotel!
Gomez, don't be silly.
You're welcome to say with us as long as you're in town.
Absolutely.
Well, I couldn't.
Well, I guess there's no arguing with a guest.
But we insist.
We'll send for your bags.
Oh, as it happens there.
Right outside here.
There we are.
Here, Gomez.
Wow.
Tish, I'd heard you'd married well, but I...
Your two fortunes combined must be quite substantial.
Not that I haven't, uh, done well myself.
Really?
What line of work are you in?
High... finance, uh, lending, borrowing.
Actually, I'm in town for a... fundraising mission.
How nice.
Tea?
Thank you.
Oh, Tish.
Remember how your mom used to make hot, steaming cider
on a cold Fall's day.
Of course!
She used to pour it from the roof onto the neighbours below.
Much as I do, today.
Remember how taken we were with the dark side.
Apparently one of us still is.
Oh, Damien.
Do you recall the time when you and I were twelve?
Blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah...
blah blah blah.
And then we got in trouble for
trying to feed the vultures.
Your little sister... !
Oh.
Darling?
I'm afraid we've been leading you out of the conversation.
Well, you know how it is when old~ friends get together.
Of course.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go pick out a present for our upcoming anniversary!
That's odd.
Our anniversary isn't for another eight months.
You don't think he's jealous, do you?
Gomez?
Why, he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body.
"You know how it is when old friends come to visit?"
He's after her. I feel it in my bones.
Very good.
Now,
there's an 'R' on the chart.
Can you see it?
Excellent.
Now, try for the 'L'.
Mama, Fester!
I'm bearing my soul to you and you
just stand there playing with hatchets!
For your information,
I'm giving Fester his annual eye exam.
Seeing is believing.
Besides,
you know Morticia would never look at another man.
Yeah.
At least he's not dashing, charming, and a swell dresser.
But he is.
Well, at least she doesn't laugh at jokes that only the two of them can share.
But she does.
At least she didn't ask him to stay with you... ?
But she did.
You want to take this one, Mama?
All yours, round head.
Well, what are you doing here?
Don't leave the two of them together.
Go, go, go!
By Jove, you're absolutely right!
Fester.
I think you have astigmatism.
My dear Morticia.
Remember that play we used to act out for our parents?
Of course.
My favorite scene was the one in which you looked up at the sky and whispered,
"You are the bane, of my life."
No, no.
It was like this.
"Darling."
'You are the love of my life."
"The bane, of my existence."
"Please, take me in your arms."
"I give you no resistance... !"
I knew it.
Can you hear this?
Well,
answer me.
Did you hear it?
What?
Hard of hearing,
in right ear.
Mama, Fester!
I just heard Damien shamelessly profess his love to Morticia!
I say we knock him off.
I'll dig the shallow grave.
No!
I don't want Morticia to think I'm jealous.
But, you are jealous.
I know.
It's gnawing away at my insides!
Like a tiger gnawing away at an antelope!
I wish it would stop.
I'm beginning to enjoy it.
I've got it.
Why don't we find another woman for Damien?
A decoy!
Capital idea, Mama.
Fester, how's your old girlfriend, Queenie?
Uh, she'll never quit the circus.
Those bearded ladies make a fortune.
I wish Lurch were here.
He doesn't look half-bad in a wig and a dress.
Then maybe we should hire a
"housekeeper" to take Lurch's place?
Well, you certainly have excellent references.
That is because,
I view dirt and grime
as public enemy number one.
Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
Never store nitroglycerins next to sulphites.
Or they go up in a whoosh.
Now about the accommodations.
We have several guest rooms.
Will your, uh, significant other be joining you?
We need to know.
One rack or two?
No significant other.
Men are sloppy and lazy.
Date much?
Hey!
Give it to me!
You messy, messy men.
Thank you, Ms. Pippins.
We'll be in touch.
What a nut!
Who's this?
Alex Banning.
She's the last one on the list.
Hi!
What are we gonna do? She's dreadful!
I know, but we are desperate.
Oh, Ms. Banning, won't you come in?
Hey...
I'm Gomez Adams.
This is my fascinating brother Fester.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Whoa... !
We'd like to start off the interview
by asking you a few questions.
Do you do windows?
No.
Do you do dishes?
No.
Do you mind picking up after children?
You don't have a maid that does that?
Good point.
Do you mind picking up after an attractive, single man?
Did you say "single"?
It's got to be here somewhere.
Where do you keep your cash... ?
Where, where, where...
Ahh, bingo!
This should do the trick.
Beautiful.
What do you think?
He's single, eligible, and rich!
And sooo cute!
Then why wait another moment?
Carpe diem.
Huh?
Seize the day!
Excuse me, Mr. Damien... sir?
Would you like a little tea?
Sure, why not?
Ohh!
Mr. Damien...
Mr. Damien?
Sir?
Wake up!
Mr. Damien, wake up!
Wake up, please!
Third degree burns are a really good way to get a guy's attention.
Ooh, I'll, I'll get you some water... !
Oh, no, Mr. Damien... !
He hates me.
Nonsense.
All you need is a slightly less violent approach.
Let's start by practicing eye-contact.
On the other hand, you can never underestimate the importance of good conversation.
Damien is in Finance.
So why not dazzle him with your in-depth knowledge of the market?
I like to shop!
I was talking about the stock market.
Now the DOW Jones Industrial is a composite of 30...
Then again, personality isn't everything.
Hello?
Why not flatter his male ego?
Let him know you desire him.
Take him in your arms and confess your undying love.
I don't think I could do that.
Of course you can.
There's nothing to it, see?
"I've been madly in love with you ever since the first moment I laid eyes on you."
"Promise me you'll be mine, forever."
Morticia, what are you doing?
Putting these rocks in the cushions.
You should be putting those rocks in the cushions.
You're right.
I don't know what's come over me.
Except that my whole world is crashing down upon my shoulders.
Bummer.
Anyway,
have you seen the new housekeeper?
Fester, you know as well as I do
that that woman is not a housekeeper.
I guess it was her aversion to dust that gave it away.
And I know perfectly well why Gomez brought her into this house.
You do?
Well, I guess it's just as well.
I think it's a good idea.
Fester!
How could you say that?
Why, I can't bear the thought of him with another woman!
And she said she couldn't stand the thought of seeing Damian with another woman.
I guess the only decent thing I can do,
to leave this life and
let Morticia have the man she loves!
You mean kill yourself?
No, of course not.
That's the coward's way out.
Well, that's a relief.
I'm going to let you kill me.
Okay, now stand over there
and hold that over your heart.
Too dull.
Maybe you should use a pistol.
Whatever you say,
it's your party!
One, two, three...
Oh, that Wednesday, and her practical jokes!
Now, please, Fester.
Pay attention.
Try not to miss.
Ready?
Aim?
Fester, stop!
How about these cyanide tablets?
They're chewable~
No, they'll only give me indigestion.
I guess the only thing left for me to do is to,
step aside and let Morticia find her true happiness.
Oh, at last.
Hey!
Can't a guy get some sleep around here?
Ah, Gomez.
There you are.
Listen, I was wondering if you could give me a hand.
Back?
No.
I need your advice.
I keep a lot of cash in the house,
and I was wondering if you had any suggestions where I could hide it
in case somebody breaks in.
How about your pockets?
It always works for me.
Crap!
Gomez!
Mr. Damien.
Uh, Gomez, wait, uh, I uh...
Hi, Mr. Damien.
Excuse me.
Shouldn't you be,
vacuuming up curtains?
Oh, I'm not a very good housekeeper, huh?
No, you're not.
Perhaps you should look for another way to make a living.
One that doesn't involve scalding people with tea.
Maybe you're right.
If only I didn't have to wait until my 25th birthday to get my billion dollar inheritance.
That's not till, um...
Tomorrow?
Uh, Miss Banning, one more thing.
Yeah?
Could I take you out for your birthday?
Oh, I thought you'd never ask!
Oh, I was...
Tell me more about this inheritance...
Morticia.
I must speak to you.
And I, to you.
Darling?
Gomez,
our life together has been filled with joy.
Until now?
I guess it sometimes happens in a marriage.
New person comes along and...
And husband and wife
reach a parting of the ways.
Gomez,
we have come to our parting of the ways.
Our hour has struck.
Though my heart is breaking,
I freely give you up.
How could you fall in love with Damien!
How could you fall in love with Alex!
Alex?
Somebody call us?
Hi~
Damien?
Hello.
You mean you're not in love with Damien?
Of course not.
And you're not in love with Alex?
Never!
Oh, querida.
Oh, guess what!
We're going to run off together.
Congratulations.
Why, that's wonderful.
As soon as I pay off a few debts.
So are you planning to run off to any place in particular?
Not really.
Except for a two-week stay at Los Ranchos,
and Gamblers Anonymous.
Well, that wouldn't be my first choice, but if it makes you happy...
My darling, we have a plane to catch.
Morticia?
It was our pleasure.
Gomez, thanks for everything.
Stop by anytime!
Ahh, there's nothing like young love.
C'est vrai.
Well, there is one good thing about our marriage almost breaking up.
What's that, darling?
Making up.
Stand still, Pugsley.
Open wide.
Why...
There's a virtual gold mine down there.
I got those gold bars on my trip to Fort Knox.
Now, let's see.
You have no pulse.
No heartbeat?
Your temperature is three below zero?
Oh, congratulations, Fester.
You're as healthy as a corpse.
Look!
Up in the sky.
It's a bird!
It's a plane.
No, it's an eight foot butler!
It's about time.
Pugsley just doesn't suffice as a dartboard.
Lurch, it's good to see you.
Yeah, we've missed you.
Welcome home, old man.
So, Lurch, did you have a horrible time?
Meet anyone special?
Oh.
Little surfer girl.
Well, you didn't miss anything here.
Except Gomez and Morticia's marriage almost broke up.
Gomez tried to kill himself.
A friend of Morticia's came and almost robbed us blind.
The housekeeper we hired turned out to be rich!
Wednesday's always chasing Pugsley around,
He goes, ahhhh!
Mama's always making up a potion... !
I'm the devil!
No, nothing, ever happened around here while you were gone... !
Awooooo... !