Hmm.
Such a delightful sound.
Oh.
Hey, Morticia.
I'm glad you're here.
I need someadvice on my
big date tonight.
How can I help you, Fester?
Which one of these says "I'm dangerous, but not desperate"?
Hm.
Dynamite is a girl's best friend.
That was my choice, too.
Now, what about these?
Eau de River Rat? Or
Or Carnage No 5?
For Men.
Hmm.
Why not use both?
Mixing two volatile explosives together can be dangerous.
Good idea!
Ready?
Love
Here I come!
Now!
You got any 5's?
Go Fish. [ MORTICIA, wearing a TRIBLY ]
Your turn.
Do you have any 7's?
Gomez, you're not even trying to cheat.
Why should I?
I'm already losing.
Besides,
I love to Go Fish.
Well, if you're going to play fair, why play at all?
Gomez, Morticia!
Come on, it's only a game!
Remember,
it doesn't matter whether you win or lose.
It's how many stitches you require.
Fester's right.
Next hand, I'll deal from the bottom of the deck.
Now you see, was that so hard?
You just have to learn, to be insensitive to each other's needs.
Thank you, Fester.
You know so much about relationships.
That's because you date so many women!
You know,
you should share your talent with the world, old man.
You mean help other people get dates?
That would cut in on my action.
I think Gomez means counsel other couples and help them stay together.
You want me to listen to people's ugly, sordid, personal problems?
Sounds like fun!
I'll have to advertise.
Maybe I'll take to the air!
Capital ideal, old man.
Radio or television?
I was thinking of sky writing,
but that's even better!
Do you argue all the time?
Are you miserable in your marriage?
Well, why — ?
Well, why wait for happiness?
I'm Fester Addams!
And I can help you!
But, why take my word for it?
Listen to this unsolicited testimonial.
Gomez and Morticia were having problems until I stepped in.
How's your relationship now?
C'est magnifique.
Tish! That's French.
Call now!
Or visit our website,
at... !
www.FesterLove.com
before it's too late!
Cut.
How was that, Mama?
Nice job.
You're going to make a lot of couples very unhappy.
Darling, would you like to cut the deck?
I'm sorry.
Did you want them julienned?
Hello, children. How was school?
Some girl said "hello" to him, and now he's in love.
What's her name, son?
Mary.
Mary?
Pugsley, if you keep running into walls,
how will I know which injuries I've caused?
Oh, darling.
Do you remember the emotional rollercoaster,
the raging hormones,
the constant heartache of our first love?
Yes.
Too bad we can't relive that agony...
Who says we can't try?
After all, you were always good at puppy love.
Woof.
I don't understand it.
All those TV commercials, advertisements and top magazines?
Haven't we gotten any calls?
Of course!
A lot of people phoned in to make appointments.
Great! When's the first one?
Who knows?
I just told thm to drop by.
Uhh.
We're here to see Fester Addams, the couple's counselor?
Follow me.
Laurie, why are we here?
We don't need therapy.
Up the stairs.
Before we get married, I really think we should learn how to communicate better.
I'm sorry, honey, what did you say?
See what I mean?
Wait there.
I told you advertising would work!
My first clients.
Welcome.
Make yourselves uncomfortable.
Have a seat.
Now, why don't we start with a little role-playing?
I'll be the man.
You'll be the woman.
Well, what about me?
You can be the lucky death row inmate who doesn't have to wait for a ridiculous appeal!
Now, Gary, Gary, Jerry!
I'm doing this for your benefit,
so pay attention.
Your eyes... are like a cesspool of dirty water.
Your hands...
like cement.
So rough and hard.
Breath...
like a fetid swamp.
What kind of sick, disgusting jerk are you? That's gross!
Exactly.
Now.
After a few sessions,
we'll have Jerry behaving just like me.
Listen, Jerry may be cheap, but...
I'm really lucky to have him.
You are?
Yes.
No, no, no!
This is all wrong!
Now...
Shall we start again?
I think we've had enough.
Fester, you're a genius.
You may be a bit... unorthodox, but...
who can argue with the results?
Four minutes
Nice work!
Doctor.
Hm.
I wonder if we can bill 'em for the full hour.
[ MORTICIA WAVING ARMS OFF-BEAT ] Night falls, darkness lingers.
Swamp cries.
Bats fly.
I... smile.
Ahhh, querida.
Reliving our youth brings out the...
deep poet in me.
No.
Shall we?
Swing goes~
Cool, Tish baby.
Ahh, querida.
You're quite the swinger.
Darling, we haven't done this in ages.
I know.
I feel like a teenager!
Gomez, do you still have enough energy to go all the way?
Let's see!
Wheeeee~
eeeeeeeeeeee. [ SWINGS back round, KICKS GOMEZ in BUTT ]
Ugh!
Oh.
Darling?
I've still got it.
Thanks for letting me carry your books home, Mary.
And for letting me scrape the gum off the bottoms of your shoes.
Whatever.
See you tomorrow.
Wait.
Where do you think you're going?
Inside.
Not yet.
So tomorrow then, right, Bugsley?
It's Pugsley.
Oh, you're so funny.
What do you see in that pipsqueak, anyway!
What?
Are you jealous?
Yeah.
Good.
You can carry my books.
She's got them both wrapped around her finger and twisting in the wind.
I'm impressed.
But nobody tortures my brother.
Except me.
Dance, dance, dance.
Now pay attention.
Women like to be showered with gifts.
Here you go.
And that's what I would do on a first date, Jennifer.
F.
Pay attention!
And this is what I would do on a second date.
I don't understand.
You notice that all these women are swooning around me?
You know,
patients often fall in love with their therapists.
You don't think... ?
[ Laurie comes back, hand-in-hand with JERRY ] We don't have an appointment, but we have to see you again.
You have to see him again.
I could think of better ways to spend my money.
Your money?
It's our money!
Well, when we get married...
Or should I say, "if"?
Oh, I suppose you'd rather, end up with someone like Fester here.
I would be happier with a raving psychopath than a cheapskate like you.
I was afraid something like this was going to happen.
Laurie.
You're my client.
It would be unethical for me to go out with you.
What?
You make my skin crawl!
That's very flattering, really.
But I think the both of you should leave, right now.
Lurch to the dungeon!
Lurch! Come to the dungeon.
Lurch, to the dungeon!
Lurch... !
You rang?
Oh.
Lurch.
Would you please show these people out?
Before I do any more harm?
What are you talking about?
Hey... !
Put us down, you freak!
I only ever wanted to help people.
Are you going to let a few lovesick women stop you?
But they keep falling for me... !
That's it!
I quit!
Ahh, querida.
Remember when we used to drive down the railroad tracks at night?
The headlights turned off.
Those diesel engines,
bearing down on us.
There's nothing more romantic than the threat of impending death.
Fester!
Why the long face?
I'm quitting my practice.
But you've helped so many people!
Tell that to Jerry.
Laurie's so smitten with me, she's ready to call off her engagement.
Fester, you always were quite the homewrecker.
Yeah...
But from now on, I'm going to stick to demolition.
If Laurie doesn't marry Jerry,
I'm gonna have to live with his guilt for the rest of my life!
Hey...
Fester,
this is no time to think about yourself.
You're right.
I'm gonna have to find Laurie and convince her to forget all about me!
Peace, brother.
That was close!
Uh-oh.
Pugsley?
I got your note.
Pugsley?
I know what you did to my brother.
And I'm impressed.
You are?
Congratulations.
You did a great job using him to make Biff jealous.
You mean you don't mind?
Why should I?
As long as he gets hurt in the end.
Thanks.
So, Pugsley.
My brother.
Did you hear what Mary had to say about you?
She was just using me.
[ PUGSLEY, UNDER TREE ] Ow.
Love hurts.
'REEL PLEX' 'CITIZEN VEIN'
Laurie!
Sorry.
Laurie... !
Quiet down!
Laurie... !
Shhhhhhhh! Get lost!
Fester?
Is that you?
Gomez, Morticia.
What are you doing here?
I have to find Laurie and convince her to marry Jerry.
Everyone looks alike in the dark.
So I brought along, a little help.
See you later.
Bonne chance!
Tish! That's French.
Pugsley, I told you, I don't need you to carry my books home for me, today.
Oh, it's no trouble.
It is for me and my house and the other side of town.
Pugsley?
This isn't funny.
Whatever, I'm leaving!
Agh!
Ah! Hey!
Help!
Ugh!
Oh!
Looks like she fell for you, after all.
Help!
How do I get out of here...!
Just follow the alligators.
Ow!
Oh, ow, ow!
Oh!
[ MUFFLED, with LIGHTBULB in MOUTH ] Lori... !
Fester?
What are you doing here?
I went by your house,
your mother said I could find you here.
It's no use.
You can hide from me,
but you can't hide from your feelings.
What is he talking about?
Are you blind?
Isn't it obvious?
She's in love with me.
What?
What!
Shhhhhh.
What!
What?
It's not her fault.
Everyone knows that a lot of women fall in love with their therapists.
Let's face it.
I'm irresistible.
Now look, Fester.
Why don't you just...
Get outta here!
Alright.
Come on, Laurie.
Uhh...
Over my dead body.
Oh!
Gentlemen,
may I suggest a duel?
Choose your weapons.
I'm not fencing anyone.
Suit yourself.
Whoa, watch it!
Duelling pistols then?
He's got a gun... !
This'll do nicely.
You'd best stand back, dear.
Fester never did have good aim.
You're not doing this.
Ten paces!
Turn,
and then fire!
One...
Jerry! This is crazy.
You don't have to go through with this.
It's okay. I know what I'm doing.
I guess it's just you and I now.
I don't think so.
Gerry!
Now that's true love.
Too bad it wasn't a big enough fall to do any serious injury.
Look, they're holding hands.
Well, old man. Looks like you put their relationship back together, after all!
Nevertheless,
my career as a couple's counselor is over.
Too dangerous?
No, I'm just tired of seeing other people having all the fun.
Ha ha... !
Jerry! haha!
Hey, get off!
Sorry.
Shall we?
As long as it's with you, querida.
Did you see how miserable Pugsley was this evening?
Yes.
You know, breaking up is even more fun than making up.
Too bad he'll get over it.
Well, girlfriends come and go!
Wednesday... !
But sisters are forever.
Querida, no peeking!
Ooh!
Fester.
I need more power.
Comin' right up.
Nice, old man.
That should do the trick!
Can I look now?
Almost finished.
You know, querida?
I really enjoyed reliving our youth.
Yes.
But I'm looking forward to growing old and decrepit together~
Ahh, now. Right this way, querida!
You can look now.
Why, it's beautiful... !
Ohhh...
Wow.
Not half as beautiful as you...
Awooooooo... !
Ooh.