as certain as death and taxes, we are told
the meek will definitely inherit the earth.
perhaps, but not always.
consider, if you will, mr. arky lochner
a well-known petty crook, sidebar six-for-fiver shylock
registered coward and owner of a yellow streak so vivid
it could be slathered on a hot dog.
mr. lochner was written out of the will
when the meek were guaranteed their inheritance.
just now he's trying to avoid another kind of payoff—
a soulful payoff—
in that offtrack betting parlor we call
the twilight zone.
(deep- cease your flight,
you four-flushing pismire.
this is the second most ill-advised action
you have ever taken, arky lochner,
you miserable gobbet of human meat.
the first was trying to make a bargain
that would outwit me.
i'm 32,000 years old, you human virus.
among my peers in the 4th canonic order of demons,
i'm considered a truly ghastly
dinner companion.
did i mention i enjoy sucking the marrow
from living bones of idiots like you?
you thought you could outwit the magnificence of volkerps?
i still got two days.
the contract ain't up for two days.
why are you tormenting me?
because i'm a demon, you imbecile.
i don't send singing telegrams.
i torment.
that's why i'm called a demon instead of the easter bunny.
two days...
you made the deal.
you don't bug me for two days.
bug you?
two days from now i'll remember you mentioned bugs.
perhaps i'll turn you into one.
a small, black, crawling bug,
not unlike the kind i spear with a claw
crack like a nutshell
and feed to my serpent mate, diptha.
shelovesto be bugged.
you got to help me!
he'll turn me
into a bug and eat me.
no, no.
his wife is a snake lady and she'll eat me.
help me or it's all over for me.
should i twist off his head, mr. lancaster?
i perceive that you are seriously deranged
to burst in unannounced, arky,
with my boys looking for you.
unless you have secreted
somewhere on your scrofulous body
the $165,000
including today's interest at 750%
that you have owed me for three months
three weeks and...
four days.
you got to protect me, mr. lancaster.
i could do that, sir.
i could twist off his head for you,
mr. lancaster.
sit, bork.
nino, before we have gus and bork reduce him
to his component parts,
would you be interested
in hearing his tale of woe?
calmly, now, arky,
tell us what seems to have unhinged you.
the 165 g's i got loaned from you
i needed it because i had to make this deal
with this demon, this thing with big teeth.
he calls himself volkerps.
a supernatural being?
yeah, you got it.
a creature of stygian darkness, a denizen of the nether reaches,
a monster from some nameless plane of witchcraft and horror.
you got it.
bork...
twist his head off.
i ain't making it up, mr. lancaster.
the thing's after me.
he's in the alley.
go on.
we made this deal, me and volkerps.
he gives me the winners
at pimlico, aqueduct, santa anita, hawthorne,
liberty bell and maywood all in the same day.
in exchange for?
refusal option on 51% of my soul.
things must be really bad in hell.
your soul's pretty grungy.
they said good help's hard to get.
he mentioned doing windows and floors.
then you could pay me back,
including the interest rate.
you'd finally extricate yourself
from the nasty, brutish life that distinguishes you.
that's how i supposed it would be.
yeah, sure, and pigs will fly.
he gave me all the winners, all right.
20, 30, 42 of them.
i bet them all, and they won,
each and every one.
except a few of them had strokes and died
as they crossed the finish line.
a bunch got disqualified
because they was full of dope.
eleven got scratched for bumping in the stretch.
on and on like that.
sure, they all came in first,
and i lost every cent you gave me, mr. lancaster.
that's why i been ducking your collectors.
that's why mr. volkerps is going to eat me
if you don't protect me.
why should i bother
even allowing that this fantasy
has a basis in fact?
$165,000 plus the interest for four months.
ms. thorne, my accountant,
makes a strong case for your existence,
despite its distinguished wretchedness.
you believe me?
i believe that i believe
you believe it.
as the most powerful underworld figure
in this metropolis
i have made cohesive sense of the rackets.
now i grow bored.
ennuifills my days and nights...
save for the joys of my association
with ms. thorne.
you've bought yourself
a reprieve through dint of sheer imagination.
i won't have gus and bork dissect you.
i will assist you.
already i feel heroic.
tell me,
how did you locate a demon
in these conservative climes?
this woman i heard about
has a strong in with the netherworld.
she set it up.
she gets a commission.
we'll pay her a visit.
gus, the car, if you please.
try to hurry, dear.
we have dinner with the mayor tonight.
you are the impressive cassandra fishbein
trafficker in the black arts?
i'm a beautician.
beauty technician and cosmetologist.
i got a license.
i'm nino lancaster,
a business associate of mr. lochner.
he advises me you served as a go-between—
amanuensis, amicus curiae—
for him and a personage named volkerps.
i'm calling a cop.
probably not.
very likely my employee.
i ask your assistance voluntarily
or perhaps my employee could persuade you.
who the hell are you?
i'm a poor businesswoman trying to make an honest buck
in a world of kids
hot for purple hair and shaved heads.
ah, yes, business.
have you considered the range of unexpected tragedies
that could befall an unwary coiffeuse
whose insurance premiums
would not cover the mysterious mixing
of ddt with her shampoos?
or the inconvenience resulting from, perhaps,
the truckers who shlep said wares
from the distributors
decide they've lost the bills of lading
and said goods wind up in beirut?
or the authorities
decide to toss the businesswoman's apartment
for illegal and noxious substances
which would result in said authorities
discovering nickel bags of such vegetation and powders
stuck down in the pillows
of a sofa.
pardon my complex syntax
but i imagine you get my drift.
yeah, i set it up, but i'm just a clearinghouse
for a select few demons and soul-traders
of very high quality.
they have to make this quota of souls
to stay in good with the boss.
i'm a canvasser, a scout, to steer likely prospects.
excellent.
you will set up a meeting with mr. volkerps.
oh!
put me down.
when?
how dare you, you brute.
now.
you're out of your mind.
volkerps has an ugly personality.
he'd think i turned him.
are you trying to get me snuffed?
have you considered
how cold and uncomfortable it is being hung upside down
on a meat hook in a freezer?
(chanting) by all the mages of solomon's court
by the three-eyed moon of ashtoreth
i call thee, volkerps, to come forth.
cassandra, i smell betrayal.
no, honestly!
they made me call you.
get them.
do it, almighty volkerps.
waste them.
first things first, cassandra.
the little rat human, he has two days.
but you...
next!
don't just stand there.
pile! pile!
what happened?
where's nino?
i don't know.
he's got to be dead.
volkerps came.
he came straight from hell.
he stunk like a rotten egg.
you left him?
you ran?
i ran like hell.
that thing fricasseed the woman.
turned her into ashes like a cigar.
oh, my god, nino.
nino!
all right.
that means we have to consolidate our interests
get the accounts transferred into the corporate name
begin amortizing the rolling stock
and make sure the boys don't take over the territory.
are you crazy?
that thing is going to fry and eat us.
who's there?
nino.
open up.
you alone?
i said open the door, now.
nino, honey, what happened?
can you walk?
obviously.
is your body burned?
how did you get away, sir?
it's going to be more difficult than i thought.
if you can't take him, what chance have i got?
i didn't say impossible.
i said it was more difficult than i thought.
how did you get away?
i dazzled him with fancy footwork.
okay, let's get to it.
gus, bork,
go see nuncio.
have him talk to our people
at the ship-fitting operation.
get me 100 gallons of lead paint.
what color, boss?
it doesn't matter.
it comes in battleship gray, which is your standard color.
maybe he can mix some nice pastel...
quiet!
i don't care what color.
get anything, but get me 100 gallons
with the highest lead content they can find.
then spray the office.
ceiling, floor, walls, windows.
every inch of it.
every corner.
then do it all over again.
when you're done, do it ten times more.
meanwhile you keep an eye on arky.
i've got a long trip ahead of me.
wait a minute.
you can't just go and leave me here.
where's he going?
some things you don't want to know.
this is going to save me?
i'm not at the pinnacle of my profession for nothing.
we have to wait till midnight.
he'll come at midnight.
anybody wants to go, do it now.
not you, arky.
here's looking at you, kid.
you again?
i thought you'd had enough.
i'll give you one chance.
what?
cancel the contract with arky.
give him about a million dollars
to make up for his losses.
slime back to your pit
and i won't kick the crap out of you.
why you!
hazel, the door.
arky, the patch.
i'm bleeding.
i'm actually losing pus, ichor and lovely slime.
you lousy twerp.
enough is enough.
submit, submit, submit.
i order you by the power of asmodeus, belphegor, belial,
and the toad of death to suppress thyself.
submerge, submit, suppress.
get your miserable ugly backside
into the box, you twerp.
you lousy punk.
wow.
i've had some small experience in these matters.
is that how you got away before?
he got me a little, but not much.
i'll get you.
i'll rend you.
i'll savage you.
i'll shred you.
i'll suck your bones dry.
you think you're the first slug from hell
all puffed up with hot air
who tried to muscle in on my operation?
if you're wondering how i beat you, look around.
you're small potatoes.
father?
papa, what are you doing in here?
papa demon: you idiot!
i knew i shouldn't have left the family business
in your inept claws.
like father, like son.
you saved me. you saved me.
yeah, i saved you.
now all you got to do is make a deal with me.
business, arky...
is strictly business.
oh, arky, arky.
poor mr. lochner.
in that magical mystical bookie parlor
we call the twilight zone
there's an old, old, very old saying:
making a deal with a demon is seriously crazy.
but making a deal with the master of demons,
well, that's crazy as a soup sandwich.