john, one egg or two?
honey, one egg or two?
two.
introduction to mr. john selig,
a reasonably average man
who goes through life
with both eyes open
and both hands firmly on the wheel.
mr. john selig—
practical and steady—
who is about to be blindsided
by the twilight zone.
les?
leslie?
all right, sir.
don't worry about a thing.
be fixed in a jiffy.
but it fell...
yes, shoddy workmanship.
i'm sorry about this, sir.
it's the way things are these days.
always rush, rush, rush.
nobody giving a fig for quality.
not like the old days.
what are you doing?
fixing your mirror.
what's it look like?
but there's a camera back there.
where?
i don't see a camera.
that's because you've covered it up.
did i?
well, that's one job done.
good day.
hey, come back here.
where the hell do you think you're going?
back to work.
may i suggest you do the same?
it's nearly 9:00
and you know how mr. weatherall gets...
never mind.
never said a thing.
good day.
how do you know my boss's name?
i don't.
you said it.
no, i didn't.
you must have mistaken me for someone else.
good day.
are you going to stand there all day?
what were you doing up there?
up where? upstairs.
the mirror? the camera?
ah, yes, that.
nothing whatsoever.
a little routine maintenance.
it's a camera.
you've been spying on me.
i have not.
look, it's all just part of the job.
be a good fellow and let me get to it.
no, i'm calling the police.
you wouldn't want to do that.
no, i don't think so.
why not?
false complaint.
show me where fixing a camera's against the law.
that's not the point.
i didn't put that camera there
in the first place.
i don't even know how it got there.
then you want installation.
i'm sorry, that's not my department.
have a nice day.
oh...
you're not as pleasant in person as you are on tv.
that's it.
iamcalling the police.
there's really no need to do that.
look, john...
may i call you john?
we don't want to make too big a scene over this.
it makes everything too complicated.
i'd tell you, but...
look...
all right, i'll tell you
but we've got to stand right...
in there.
in the closet?
shh.
why there?
it's outside camera range.
but it's in the bathroom.
no, the other cameras.
all right, talk.
i'm risking my job telling you this.
you're not supposed to know, see?
it takes all the fun out of it.
all the fun out of what?
look at my chest.
excuse me?
here.
you see those letters?
j-s-t-v in big friendly letters?
what about it?
it stands for john selig television.
you're on television.
i am?
yes.
24 hours a day.
you've got quite a following.
people tune in
in the middle of the night
just to watch you sleep.
extraordinary.
who's watching?
oh, everybody.
everyone who subscribes.
everyone?
my neighbors?
all the people i know?
they were quite helpful.
helped us set up cameras for maximum coverage.
your job, your car, the office...
living room, den, bathroom...
that one was less than perfect.
bedroom, kitchen...
bedroom?
well, it is a cable service.
adults only, that sort of thing.
well, now you know.
so if you'll excuse me...
i don't believe you.
how could this happen
without someone telling me?
shh!
if you knew, you'd act differently.
it would take all the fun out, like i said.
everyone on the service signs a contract
specifying they won't spill the beans.
gives folks you know
a chance to be on tv.
(on radio): archie, call nine.
i have to go.
now be a good fellow
and don't tell anyone i told you.
all right?
john?
your breakfast is ready.
you better eat it before it gets cold.
haven't you finished dressing yet?
did you see that man?
what man?
he came right into the bathroom.
i spent ten minutes with him in the closet.
did you sleep all right?
i slept fine.
this morning is the problem.
i have no idea what you're talking about.
oh, i got to go.
have a nice day, honey.
(whispering) don't blow it for us.
the ratings are terrific.
bye.
let's see.
gee, i think i left my car keys around here somewhere.
i think i'll look for them.
yes?
this is to inform you
that destruction of company property
is to be avoided at all costs.
please inform maintenance
and do not touch the equipment again.
thank you.
try and stop me!
hello.
you were warned.
mr. selig? yes?
you're to come with us.
hey, let me go.
where are you taking me?
my-my coat.
come on, guys.
i don't know who you are but you can't do this to me.
you should have told us sooner.
you've gone and done it now, haven't you?
done what?
where are we going?
into some very big trouble.
yes, some very serious trouble indeed.
smile at the birdie, mr. selig.
who are they?
fans.
whose?
yours.
now that the secrets out,
they can all come out of the woodwork.
all those hormones repressed for five years.
disgusting, isn't it?
they'd rip the clothes
right off you in a second, just like that.
do you really think so?
go ahead.
try it.
typical, isn't it?
all these channels, nothing interesting on.
yes, i'll bring him in.
if you please, mr. selig.
this way.
ah, mr. selig.
arthur spence.
nice to meet you.
please, take a seat.
make yourself comfortable.
would you care for a cigar?
something to drink?
no, thank you.
comfortable?
yes, thanks.
good, good.
now, then, mr. selig.
what the hell
are you trying to do to us?
what am i...?
what are you doing to me?
to you?
my dear mr. selig, look around you.
this is a multimillion-dollar business.
when we first...
whenyoufirst went on, we couldn't get
$100 for a 30-second commercial.
now we're right up there— $100,000 for a 30-second spot.
this was accomplished through long, hard hours
of careful work.
now when we're just about to break even,
when we're just clearing our deficits,
you pull this?
soyoudecided to do all this.
me?
no, wasn't me.
then who?
who?
who decided you should pay taxes?
who decided you should get up at 8:00 to go to work?
who decides what money you use?
fashions you wear?
i don't know.
same guy.
you can't put my life on television.
i have rights.
oh, yeah?
this is the constitution of the united states
and the bill of rights.
show me where it says
that i can't put you on tv.
that's a technicality.
aw, mr. selig.
let's cut right through to the heart of the matter,
shall we?
during the past five years,
you have become an institution on american television.
people like you.
hell, i watch you play bridge every friday with the clearsons.
he cheats by the way.
we have a better view of his hand.
i always thought as much.
no, wait a minute.
i don't understand.
why me?
what's so interesting about me?
you know marilyn carstairs?
the woman on all the tv game shows.
okay.
you tell me.
what was the last thing she actually did
that made her famous?
can't come up with a thing, can you?
don't feel badly.
neither can anybody else.
but she's on tv.
you see, some people are famous
just for being famous.
you put their face on tv often enough
and before you know it they become a celebrity.
we took that bet on you.
and it paid off.
there were down times.
you have to expect that.
like when you lost your job two years ago.
at first, the ratings went up.
everybody wanted to know what was going to happen.
but when you stayed unemployed, the ratings went down.
so we stepped in
and arranged that job for you at teldar.
you did that?
of course.
mr. selig...
you don't actually think things happen by accident.
haven't you ever noticed
how sometimes things justseemto go your way?
something will happen and you'll find yourself saying,
"gosh, thatwas lucky"
or "gee, wasn'tthat
a coincidence."
thatwould be us.
we have a whole department
that looks after happy coincidences.
how do you think you met leslie?
my wife?
hired by us.
though i suppose
we'll have to find her a new spot now
if you make a federal case of this.
there you have it, mr. selig.
thousands of jobs.
people's livelihood.
millions of dollars of income.
it's all riding on you.
can't you just forget it?
go back to living your life
just the way you did before?
no.
no, i can't.
i want my privacy back.
you have no right!
as you wish.
i'll have the car brought around to take you home.
can i help you?
it's you, isn't it?
oh, mr. selig, i'm your biggest fan.
i watch you all the time.
you're wonderful.
thank you.
can i have your autograph?
i guess it couldn't hurt.
it's all over with now.
i want to have your baby.
i beg your pardon?
then a lock of hair.
a jacket!
i think maybe you'd better go.
please, mr. selig.
i've come all this way.
i'm supposed to take you home.
call me.
we'll have to go out the back way.
and i want you to know
i got sacked because of this.
two weeks notice, and out— just as cold as you please.
i didn't mean to cause you any trouble.
i wish there was something i could do.
you just did.
come on.
hi.
come on in.
i was just going over the fan mail.
i had no idea so much had been collected.
gifts, offers of marriage...
it's amazing.
i just came to drop this by.
it's a check... back pay for the last five years.
oh, yes, they always intended to pay you.
they kept it in a trust fund until you found out
or the show got cancelled.
but that's a lot of money.
yes, i suppose it is.
what are you doing?
company equipment.
not needed around here much more, is it?
the show's been cancelled.
now that you know, it's not much fun anymore.
then it's really over?
sorry, not my department.
but the money... the women.
you wanted your life back just the way it was.
well, that's what you've got.
and i hope you're satisfied.
sorry about your job.
that's the way it goes.
thanks, though.
that makes two of us.
i was just getting used to it.
not much can be done now, i suppose.
no, i suppose not.
here.
come here.
look...
i was thinking.
if you were the guy in charge
and i were you, what would you do?
maybe you'd tell me i was off the air
so i'd think i was,
but i'm really on television without knowing it.
this way, i'd go back to acting normal—
which is what everyone wants in the first place.
well, then, john.
good luck.
break a leg, as they say.
my, but isn't it a wonderful day.
the next time you think
people are talking about you behind your back,
or a happy coincidence seems a little too good to be true,
check behind the bathroom mirror
or see if there are any channels missing from your tv.
it just might be
that john selig's ratings have dropped
and you've become a star
in the phosphor-dot world of the twilight zone.